Setting Limits for the Strong Willed Child

The way God disciplined Saul of Tarsus redirected his intensity to something productive instead of destructive. God didn't just stop him from persecuting Christians. He redirected Saul's life goals so the same intesity Saul used to hurt others was applied to sharing Christ with people around the world. He changed his heart.

Sometimes a major crisis causes a change of heart, but more often it happens over time through interactions in everyday life.

A strong willed child may object every time you give an instruction, and you may find it quite tempting to give in. After all, eventually the child discovers some logic that makes sense. You child's lawyer type approach has backed you into a corner, and you begin to feel like it would be wrong to stay the course. The child has successfully talked you into a compromise.

Now, it's important for parents to listen to their children. In fact, compromise can be a good thing in many situations. Asking children to propose an alternative solution helps them develop the ability to appeal graciously to authority. Parents should look for ways to incorporate children into the decision making process.

But some parents have erred too far in that direction, and their children can't seem to follow any instructions without a dialogue. These parents feel as if they have to talk their kids into obeying, and children develop the belief that if they don't agree, they don't have to obey. Conversation can be good in some circumstances, but sometimes strong willed children need to just stop resisting and do it your way. Children who argue continually tend to value their own agenda above relationship. Their desires and getting what they want become the most important thing, revealing a heart-deep selfishness that needs to change.

If you find yourself in a pattern of never ending spiral conversations, and your child is becoming more demanding and self-willed in this area, you need to develop a new routine. In a calm moment, have a sit-down meeting with your child and say, "We seem to have a problem when I give you an instruction you don't like. I appreciate your persistence and many of your ideas are good, but when I tell you to do something, that's not the time to argue. This is a heart problem. So from now on, when I ask you to do something, I want you to obey first; then we'l talk about it later. I want to see if you can accept my instructions and cooperate without arguing."

Your job is to teach your child where limits exist in relationships. As an adult, you know when challenging someone crosses the line of insubordination, but strong-willed children often lack the sensitivity to pick up on basic social cues that tell them when they're exceeded appropriate relational boundaries. Frustratingly, they often don't even take notice of the subtle correction cues you give, so you feel like you have to get angry or become blunt, cold, rude, or even mean to get the message across.

You don't have to be mean, but it is often necessary to exaggerate the cues. When a persistent child launches into his arguments, you might typically give a look that communicates, "I've heard enough." A sensitive person would catch that look and stop talking or change the subject. But your child doesn't get it, so you have to make the cues more obvious. Of course, some children see the cues but decide to ignore them. You can raise the awareness level and help children realize that you're not going to follow the same old script. You might say, "Son, I've given you my answer, and I want to be done with this conversation, but I feel like you're a big truck, and I'm being run over. It's time for you to stop trying to change my mind. We're done."

Many parents try to break the will. In fact you've probably heard the parenting proverb that goes like this: Break the will without breaking the spirit. This will only be productive if you have a heart based approach to discipline, because stopping a child's determination forces her to reevaluate her values and priorities. You create a wall to block the child's will; but, at the same time, it's critical to feed the heart with new information and experiences. In this way, the walls you set up redirect a child's heart rather than just create a hurdle for her to overcome.

If behavior modification is the focus, however, determined children learn to get what they want. They discover ways to go through, over, around, or under your wall. It just takes time and a little creativity. The will is a good thing when it is directed by a wise heart, but a foolish heart creates a lot of pain for both the child and the parents.