I'm a Horrible Parent

It happens a lot. We are so tired and then the little thing our child does just sets us off. We turn into ugly parent.

Check out this video of this bad dad.

I feel bad for him. All I can do is say, Sorry!

Identify Pet Peeves

Anger is a problem in many families. One of the ways you can address it is by having some honest and even fun conversations about anger in family life. Here's an activity that can launch your family into an interesting discussion. Who knows where the interaction will lead you. You might have this discussion around the dinner table or part of an evening devotion time.

Begin with this statement: Let's all share some pet peeves that we each have. A pet peeve is something that others do that makes you mad or easily irritated. Other people may not be bothered at all but you have a hard time whenever this thing happens.

One mom said, "Here are some of mine. I don't like to see towels on the floor in the bathroom or bedrooms. I get angry when I lose my keys, or when the car gas tank is on E after Dad drives it."

Dad said, "That's interesting. I didn't know that was one of your pet peeves. You know, one of mine is when my tools aren't returned to the toolbox or when you drive my car and don't put the seat back in place."

The kids smiled as they saw their parents expressing pet peeves and were able to think of some themselves, borrowed toys, irritating noises or touching, and being interrupted while on the computer.

Then you might talk about being tolerant and thoughtful of each other. This discussion can be very practical and lead to many helpful thoughts and ideas about anger in daily family life.

The Parenting Thrill Ride

Parenting is rarely like a pleasant but slightly boring turn on a carousel. It's usually more like a heart-stopping and unpredictable roller coaster ride. In both experiences, the destination is never in question. But the roller coaster has more ups, downs and moments of terror.

As soon as you think you have it all together as a parent and feel as if you've reached a high point, you're suddenly slammed into yet another dip, another turn, another uphill climb. One second you're right side up, and the next second you're hanging on for dear life and maybe even screaming at the top of your lungs.

But oh, how much more exciting is the roller coaster ride! And how much more challenging! How much more thrilling, even with (or perhaps because of) the butterflies in your stomach, the fear, and the uncertainty of what's around the next turn! On roller coasters, I've screamed out God's name like a little girl. I've done the same in the twists and turns of parenting.

Prayer brings hope to my hopelessness and calms my anxiety when I need a reminder that I am not alone. Prayer reassures me that my confusion does not deter His plan.

Calling out His name affirms His presence, His power, and His purpose in my life. Regardless of how I pray- screaming from the roller coaster or in the quietness of my soul-I am reminded that just as there was a beginning, so there will be an end. Prayer brings hope to my hopelessness and calms my anxiety when I need a reminder that I am not alone.

Prayer reassures me that my confusion does not deter His plan. It calls me to look for the bigger picture, to embrace a larger view of whatever is happening, and to search deeper for meaning in the struggles and for purpose in the pleasures. Prayer reminds me that this parenting roller coaster is a ride like none other and that it draws on every attribute and ounce of strength I have to survive the ups and downs of the adolescent years and reach the end with relationships intact and training complete.

Prayer reminds me that the thrill of the parenting roller coaster is worth the discomfort; so I'm willing to crawl back into that seat and get locked in for another ride. Prayer changes things -- including me. It has a wondrous way of changing situations. It forces me to remain focused on what's important, and it helps me consider my teen from God's perspective. Prayer aligns my heart with His and connects my heart with His so that my plans for my teen fall in line with His.

Today's world sometimes seems to work against us. It's a tough time to be raising teens. In this confusing culture, all the parents I know need as much help as they can get.

Help for both the parent and teenager can be found through the daily application of prayer. Through prayer, you'll real ize the parenting ride isn't so bad, even if it is full of ups and downs, twists and turns, climbs and free falls, fear and relief. After all, parenting wouldn't be such a thrill ride any other way, would it?

Gods word is family business

One of the greatest treasures God entrust to any man or women is the gift of a child, and there is no substitute for a child other than the parents. What are we doing to keep these great relationships growing together in Christ? Here are just a few suggestions:

1. Relate God’s word to everyday life and activities.

- Use your car time to discuss God’s word or His character.

- Take walks and discuss the wonder of His creation

- Let your children see how you handle crisis that may arise. It is better to be strategic about this because they will see even if you don’t want them to.

- Discuss their day at the end of the day and share with them how they acted in Christ like ways.

2. Plan structured times of Bible teaching for the family.

- Choose a time that works for everyone

-Keep the Bible age appropriate.

- Encourage kids to take part. This time should not always be mom or dad preaching to their kids for 20 minutes. Remember, kids learn best by doing.

3. Vary what you do during your family devotional time.

- Collect missionary cards (you know those cards that they give out that look like business cards and they want you to put them on your refrigerator and think bout them etc.). Well put these cards in a basket and at the end of the day have your child pull out a card and pray for the person who is on the card you pulled out, pray for the place they are a missionary to.

- Vary the amount of time you have family devotion. Sometimes family devotions can stretch out to long.

- When you go and pick up your child from kids church, stop asking if they had “fun” and start digging into what they “learned.” Use these lessons to continue to teach them throughout the week.

Have fun, and make sure you take this time.

Child Outbursts: Why Kids Blame, Make Excuses and Fight When you Challenge Their Behavior

Arguing with kids often seems like a losing battle—and it is. No matter what you say, your child has a smart comeback that pushes your buttons or leaves you speechless. And worst of all, when your child is angry, nothing is fair, and it’s never his fault. Here's how, in any argument, your child might set different “traps” for you to fall into. Once you know what these traps are, you’ll be able to avoid them—and hold your child accountable. If your child thinksit's somebody else's fault or that something isn't fair, he'll be able to justify a lot of inappropriate behavior… You’ll often see kids blame others and point the finger at someone else when you hold them accountable for their behavior. Very often they see themselves as the victim, no matter how aggressive or abusive their behavior is. Thinking of themselves this way gives them the ability, in their mind, not to take any responsibility—and if you don’t take responsibility, then you won't have to change. If your child blames others or comes back with excuse after excuse whenever you call him on his behavior, I believe you need to start challenging his thinking. And if he acts out or is destructive in order to get away with inappropriate behavior, know that this is a warning sign: you need to find ways to stop that pattern immediately. Here’s an example of how a conversation with your child can quickly be derailed by accusations, blame and anger. Let's say the child below hasn’t done his homework and now he's behind at school. He was in a bad mood when he came home, so he takes it out on his little sister by picking on her and calling her foul names. His mother is concerned and upset, and she attempts to talk to him about what’s going on. Soon, their conversation deteriorates into an ugly argument: Parent: "Why are you falling behind in school and picking on your sister so much lately?” Child: “It’s her fault that I call her names—she’s always bugging me and taking my stuff. I’m sick of her crap.” When you try to hold kids accountable, they will often use excuses to deflect your attempts to make them take responsibility for their actions. And in fact, if the mother in this example asked her child to apologize to his sister, he would say, “I'm sorry, but.” And it would be, “I'm sorry, but you looked at me funny.” Or “I'm sorry, but you laughed.” So whatever he says, he means “I’m sorry, but it was your fault.” And again, what he’s really stating here is, “I'm not responsible for what I say. I’m sorry, but I'm actually the victim here.” One of the big signs of whether or not your child is ready to change is whether or not he is ready to stop being the victim. If he can stop that victim thinking and start to take some responsibility for himself, I don't care if he’s 8 or 18, he has a better chance of changing than a child who continues to blame the world—and everybody in it. Parent: “Well, why aren’t you keeping up with your work?” Child: “The teacher didn't explain the assignment to me. How should I know what she wants me to do? She's an idiot.” Again, what we see here is victim thinking. In this kid’s mind, it's not his responsibility to get clarification from the teacher. One of the problems with this kind of thinking is that kids believe what they think—in fact, we all do. So if your child thinks it's somebody else's fault or that something isn’t fair, he’ll be able to justify a lot of inappropriate behavior and shirk a lot of responsibility. These are what we call “thinking errors”—and they cause a lot of problems for kids and adults alike. Understand that in their minds, they believe they’re right. Kids think, “My friends are allowed to stay out until 10 o’clock. Why can't I?” Or “Why can't I watch another hour of TV?” That’s victim thinking: they believe they’re a victim of your stupidity or failure to understand their world. And then the next jump in their thinking process is, “It's not fair.” When somebody thinks something isn’t fair, they are then able to reason, “This isn’t fair, so the rules don't apply to me.” Next, they’re able to justify not following that rule. Adults do the same thing. Very often, people know something is wrong, but they don’t see it as harmful. So they rationalize that the rules around that issue are unfair and they choose not to follow those rules. How many adults know that it's wrong to speed, but speed anyway? When you ask them about it, they have a lot of reasons, excuses and justifications why the rule isn’t fair and why it shouldn't apply to them. We see this in children all the time. When kids start complaining or blaming teachers, they're basically saying “It's not fair.” And once they believe that, then they don't have to do the homework assignment, clean their room or mow the lawn. And many kids are adept at making something unfair right away—they’re professional victims. As soon as your child excuses his irresponsibility by saying his teacher is an idiot, you can bet he’s found a way to rationalize not doing the work. Parent: “Well, why didn’t you just talk to her after school if you didn’t understand?” Child: “Why don’t you believe me? You're always taking the teacher’s side. It’s not fair. Why are you always picking on me?” Once again, we see the victim mentality kick in. Kids with behavior problems and a lack of problem-solving skills see any questioning of their actions, no matter how benign, as an attack. They start by saying, “I already explained that it's the teacher's fault, why are you bothering me?” And then they add some power and sting to their words by getting verbally abusive. This is their strategy of “Agree with me, or face my acting out, face my aggression, face my verbal garbage.” So there's the warning—“Agree with me or face my B.S.”—he’s starting to escalate so his parent will back down and leave him alone. The worst part about this strategy is that it often works for kids—and by the time they’re young adults, they’re left with no problem-solving skills in their arsenal except intimidation and aggression. By the way, I think that you want to avoid letting your child gain control of the conversation by using curse words. If your child does this, make a mental note to deal with it later. That’s better than letting him push your buttons. Stay focused on the issue at hand. In fact, I often tell parents to write down the issue on an index card so they can keep referring to it when they’re tempted to get sidetracked. If I was talking to this mother in my office, I would coach her not to accept any excuse for abuse. When her son verbally abuses his sister, there should be clear, firm immediate consequences for that. You don’t have to lose your focus to assign those consequences. Wait until the end of the conversation but make sure you address that. Secondly, I’d recommend that she give her child a consequence such as doing homework downstairs instead of in his room. She should tell him that she wants to see his homework every night until his grades go up, according to his midterm report. In other words, she should be setting appropriate limits on him until his grades go up. If your child starts to escalate in this way and becomes verbally abusive, it’s also easy to become upset and angry and lose your temper. And that’s often just what he wants you to do, because then you’re stuck in a power struggle with him—and when that happens, you’re yelling and threatening, he’s yelling and threatening, and no one is talking about his responsibilities any more. Parent: “What did you call me? How dare you talk to me that way—I’m your mother! ” Child: “Why do you hate me so much? No one understands me but my friends. I hate you!” When the parent in our example finally loses it and responds to her son’s aggression, he makes another personal attack upon her and tries to manipulate her emotionally. In the moment, he may believe what he says, and this is yet another thinking error. His mother doesn’t realize that for him, his solution is to attack—he wants to render her speechless. And if you’ll notice, he’s still not talking about taking any responsibility or solving the problem. They're just going around and around because he continues to play the victim. And since his mother isn’t challenging him on that posture accurately, he's just stepping up his verbal abuse and manipulation. Parent: “I don’t hate you. Why would you say that?” Child: "I'm out of here.” (Kicks the wall and leaves.) Escaping a situation is the most primitive thing that humans do when they’re threatened: it’s the so-called “fight or flight” response. When your child reaches a point where he’s out of coping or problem-solving skills, his fight response is to yell at you, break things, or hurt people. If he chooses “flight,” he runs. This response is not good for communication or negotiation skill development, which are two fundamentals of problem solving. His behavior doesn’t resolve the conflict—in fact, both choices just tend to make things worse in the long run. The antidote to “fight or flight” is developing the communication and negotiation skills that are the basics of problem solving. A child, who doesn't want to communicate, has distorted thinking, constantly makes justifications, and continually takes a victim stance, has run out of coping skills. And when they run out of excuses, they start becoming verbally abusive and threatening. If that doesn't stop, then they run. So for most of this argument, this child has been fighting—and when that doesn’t work, he decides to run. The bottom line is that now this child’s escalation is getting physical. He went from verbal abuse to physical abuse when he kicked the wall. This is just another sign of his inability to communicate, his inability to solve problems and his world view that he's a victim and “It's not fair.” Again, if things aren't fair, then the rules about cursing at people or breaking things don't apply to him, because it’s not his fault. And that lets him off the hook. These kids have a way of thinking that justifies inappropriate behavior, that justifies violating other people's boundaries and that sees them as a victim of everything. When you try to interfere with or challenge that kind of thinking, these kids will get more upset , threatening or destructive. But as a parent, you have to challenge your child’s thinking errors and hold him accountable. Even though your child may try to shut down questions about his behavior, remember that you are the parent and you have control. My advice is to avoid getting sucked into a power struggle with your child, even when he leaves in the middle of an argument. Just say, “When you get back, we’re still going to have to deal with this.” Realize that the thinking errors kids use interfere with their ability to take genuine responsibility for their actions or inactions. They also inhibit a parent’s ability to teach their child how to communicate, negotiate or solve problems responsibly. In fact, thinking errors make communication impossible: they distort reality and allow the person using them to avoid taking responsibility. As a parent, it’s important to understand the thinking errors kids use so you won’t fall into the traps they set for you during an argument. If you know what your child is doing—and how to challenge him effectively—you can stop the blaming, excuse-making and victim thinking. In an upcoming article in Empowering Parents, I’ll be talking more about the thinking errors kids make—and how to deal with them as a parent.

Passing on Faith: An Inheritance

I found an interesting article it is from The National Post, written by Brendan T.N. Caldwell who is a CEO of an investment management company.

Click here to read the article.

I thought the parallel of passing on a financial inheritance with the passing on of faith to be a really good picture. Caldwell talks about going from “shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations.” In other words, the first generation works hard to earn financial stability, the second generation enjoys and lives off of that, and the inheritance is gone by the third generation who needs to roll up their sleeves and start over.

“When it comes to faith, our nation is somewhere between the second and third generation. We still enjoy the benefits of a society whose ethics are rooted in faith, but we have forgotten how we got here and we may soon need to rebuild again.”

I think the above quote hits the nail on the head. Now, we can look at that assessment and become discouraged by it, or we can look at that and head into the challenge of “starting over.” While this may not be what we want to do, it is what is put before us.

“In a society that has largely forgotten God, how do parents pass along a spiritual inheritance to their children?”

I think Caldwell states something that is key to answering the question he poses. He reminds parents that our children first and foremost belong to God. He wants to be their father as well as ours, and it is our job as parents to introduce our children to him. We do that by sharing our God stories with them. We need to connect our children with community beyond us who hold the same beliefs and values we do. We also need to stay faithful ourselves be an example of a follower of Christ that our children see from day-to-day.

Is It An Adolescent Phase- Or Out of Control Behavior?

“Every teen goes through this!” You tell yourself these words, but in the back of your mind, you wonder if your child’s disrespect, acting out and destructive behavior really is normal. How do you know if your child is going through an adolescent phase, or if his out-of-control behavior is here to stay? The whole idea that an out-of-control teen or a kid with behavioral problems can't make appropriate choices is a patent falsehood. Why do parents often say, “Oh, it's just a phase; my teenager will grow out of it”? I think there is often a sense of denial that parents have when it comes to their teens’ acting-out or destructive behavior. When you’re a parent, it’s very troubling and sad to think that your son or daughter has a serious problem, and it’s painful to think that they might be different from other kids. Parents will do a lot to deny that, partly because of how bad it makes them feel. After all, denial helps you not feel what's in your gut and to avoid looking at the facts. Parents may also explain their child’s behavior with “It’s just a phase” because they truly believe this is so. Perhaps friends or relatives have assured them with these words. And television, magazines, the Internet and some counselors may even tell them that what their child is doing is normal. Personally, I think parents get a lot of misinformation today. That's not because anybody is bad or wrong, it's just the nature of our culture: parents are bombarded with information—but not all of it is effective for their child. How Do You Differentiate Between Normal Adolescent Phases and Inappropriate behavior? When you look at what is considered to be a normal adolescent phase, understand that there's a continuum. Within that continuum you'll see different types of behavior, depending on where your child is developmentally. So picture a line with a well-behaved child on one end, and out-of-control behavior on the other. I’ve found that most kids are somewhere in the middle. During adolescence, you might see your child do the following as part of “normal” adolescence: Be moody and look secretive, spend much of his time alone in his room. Get frustrated and stomp upstairs. Be short-tempered and more impatient with you. Decline to hang out with the family as much. Be late for curfew. Say things like, “Only my friends understand me! I hate it here, I wish I could leave.” Be discontented and restless. As unpleasant as it is at times, this is all part of the way teens and pre-teens typically individuate from their parents. But some behaviors are not normal—rather, they are warning signs. The following behaviors fit into that category: Stealing Being physically assaultive to others or destructive in the house. Being verbally abusive, intimidating or threatening. Abusing a younger sibling. Coming home drunk or high. Staying out all night. Getting arrested. Make no mistake: there's something wrong with this behavior. Parents who tell themselves “It's just adolescence” are setting themselves up for a rude awakening later on. I believe most parents know the line between normal and inappropriate behavior in their gut. If your child’s behavior starts affecting other people in a physical way, if he becomes verbally abusive, or is stealing, coming home high or drunk, or staying out all night, that's the line. Most parents know that line, even if they’re in denial—and at some point, they simply won’t be able to deny it anymore. If any of this is going on in your house, remember that the earlier you intervene with your child, the better. The sooner you tell your child that what he’s doing is not acceptable, and then teach him the tools he needs to behave differently, the better. Don't forget, a lot of kids who seek control by acting out—by being assaultive,verbally abusive or destructive, or abusing substances—don't know how to solve problems. They don't know how to make friends or communicate in a way that gets their needs met, so they use drugs and alcohol and inappropriate behavior to meet their needs instead. Dealing with Your Child’s Thinking Errors I’ve had parents of acting-out kids ask me, “Is my son angry; is he really frustrated; is he mad?” My answer is always, “Yes, he is. But probably not for the reasons he's telling you.” An acting-out child will say things like: “If you'd leave me alone, I'd behave better.” He'll tell you it's the school's fault: “They don't understand me there, they keep picking on me.” The reality is that these feelings are coming from his inability to solve problems like getting along with other people, managing his impulses, and following directions. They also come from his unwillingness to make the right choices—or inability to ask for help. Instead, he keeps creating negative feelings by the way he thinks. A child in this situation is making a lot of what are called “thinking errors.” Just as there are spelling errors and math errors, there are also thinking errors. When your child blames somebody else for a problem he caused, that’s a thinking error. When he tells you that it's somebody else's fault that he broke a window, that’s also a thinking error. In fact, you'll see kids employ all kinds of thinking errors: they’ll blame you, justify their behavior, and lie. And acting-out kids are willing to back up what they're saying by punching a hole in the wall or calling you foul names. If your child doesn’t know how to get along with people, he might try to control you through behavior, manipulation, and dishonesty. And if you ask him what he feels, he won’t answer—or he’ll become more aggressive. That’s because he doesn’t know howhe feels. And many times, his feelings are so uncomfortable he won’t want to acknowledge them in the first place. That’s why it’s vitally important to focus on thoughts and behavior, not feelings. My Teen Acts Out: When Will It Stop? Here’s the truth: kids get more control from seemingly losing control. So let’s say you tell your 14-year-old that it's time to go do his homework. He starts freaking out and punching holes in walls. After he does this a couple of times, you stop telling him to go do his homework—by the way, that’s normal for most parents—and that becomes the solution. But here’s the danger: now your child has gotten more control over you. It looks like he lost control, but in the long run, he’s gained more control. Many acting-out kids “lose control” in order to get more control, but understand that it's an unhealthy kind of control. Believe me, if your child is doing this already, he will increase your tolerance for deviant behavior—what you would normally accept or even what you morally believe in. He will push you beyond your limits and you'll accept behavior from him that’s wrong and inappropriate. At the same time, he will decrease your expectations for appropriate behavior: you won't expect as much from him. Little by little, your child will become comfortable using acting out as a way to solve his problems. By the way, the whole idea that an out-of-control teen or a kid with behavioral problems can't make appropriate choices is a patent falsehood. I’ve worked with these kids for many years and believe me, they are able to make appropriate choices—and they do so every day. That's why they act out with some teachers, but not with others. Or they act out in the home and not in school. In my practice, I’d see parents of kids who were supposedly out of control. Then I would go visit these kids in the youth detention center where their probation officer sent them and they weren’t cursing out the guards there. They were saying “yes sir” and “no sir.” Remember, the idea that a child will grow out of this type of destructive behavior is not realistic. Understand that if your teen is acting out and using intimidation to get his way, he’s already put this behavior into place as his problem-solving mechanism—and the sad thing is, it works for him. The people in his life will back down and let him have his way until he reaches adulthood, but then he’ll really be in trouble. If your child doesn’t learn the all-important life skills of compromise, acceptance and appropriate negotiation, how will he ever hold a job or stay in a healthy relationship? The harsh reality is that letting a child get away with this type of behavior will handicap him for the rest of his life.

Kids Who Ignore Consequences: 10 Ways to Make Them Stick

Does your child ignore every consequence you give him? This week, James Lehman gives you 10 specific ways to make consequences work—even for the most resistant child. When kids are faced with something unpleasant, they'll often act like it doesn't matter to them. When your child says, “I don't care” or seems unaffected when you give him a consequence, what he’s really saying is, “You can't hurt me.” That’s because receiving a consequence makes kids feel powerless. Their sense of self almost requires them to respond by shrugging and saying, “Whatever,” simply in order to feel in control again. Focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he's going to care. Personally, I don't think parents should worry too much when their child appears not to be affected. Instead, I think you should focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he's going to care. In fact, I think trying to get your child to care is a misdirected goal. Don’t put so much weight on making him “hurt” that you're not thinking about trying to get your child to learn a new behavior. If your child can stymie you by saying “I don’t care,” you’re giving him way too much power. To put it another way, if you're looking for your child to surrender, forget about it. A consequence is not designed to make your child say, “I’m sorry, Mom, I was wrong.” Rather, it’s there to help your child change his behavior. Think of it this way: the consequence for not following the speed limit is that you might get a speeding ticket. You may shrug and say, “Whatever,” to the police officer when he pulls you over, but that won't stop him from giving you that ticket. And if you say, “I don't care,” he'll say, “Well, here you go, sir. Have a good day.” He won’t argue with you; he’ll simply hand you the ticket and walk away. In my opinion, you have to be like that police officer when giving your child a consequence. Don't get sucked into an argument when your teen says, “I don't care,” because that argument brings you down to his level—and that's what he’s looking for. Instead, just say, “All right, fine, but you’re still going to lose your cell phone for 48 hours.” Then simply turn around and leave the room. Again, if you're trying to get your child to care about the consequence you give him, that's like trying to get him to like you. You shouldn’t try to control his emotional life. Just say, “These are the consequences.” And even if he says he doesn’t care, let him know that he will encounter them again if he breaks the rules. How to Give Consequences So They’ll Stick—Even When Kids Say They Don’t Care 1. Use Consequences That Have Meaning It’s almost never effective to give your child a consequence in the heat of an argument. Often, parents will be either too harsh or too lenient, because nothing appropriate comes to mind immediately. I advise parents to sit down and write a “Consequences List.” You can think of this as a menu of choices. When compiling this list, keep in mind that you want the consequence to be unpleasant, because you want your child to feel uncomfortable. If, like most teens, your child’s cell phone has meaning for him, don’t be shy about using it as leverage. It’s also important to think about what you want him to learn—and this lesson should be attached to the consequence. So let's say your child curses and is rude to his sister, and you want him to learn how to manage his feelings. I think an effective consequence might be that he would lose his cell phone until he doesn’t curse and isn’t rude to his sister for 24 hours. In those 24 hours, he might also have to write a note of apology to his sibling stating what he’ll do differently the next time he gets frustrated. If he fails to write the letter, he doesn't get his phone back—and the 24 hours starts all over again. 2. Don’t Try to Appeal to His Emotions with Speeches Remember, your job is not to get your child to love his sister or to appeal to his emotions with a speech, because all he will hear is, “Your sister looks up to you, blah, blah, blah.” Your job is to take his phone and say, “Hey, we talk to each other nicely around here. And if you can't do that, then you can't use the phone. We’ll talk about giving it back to you after you talk nicely to your family for 24 hours.” 3. Make Consequences Black and White When you give a consequence, the simpler you keep things, the better. Again, you don't want to get into legalese or long speeches. What you want to do is lay out your consequences for your child’s inappropriate behavior very clearly. It's often helpful if he knows ahead of time what will happen when he acts out. Just like there are speeding signs on the highway, the consequences for your child’s behavior should be clear to him. Tell him, “If you talk nastily to your sister, this is what's going to happen from now on.” And whenever you're going to introduce an idea to your child that may be unsettling, anxiety-provoking, or frustrating to him, do it when things are going well—not when everybody's screaming at each other. Wait until a calm moment and then lay out the consequences simply and clearly. 4. Have Problem-Solving Conversations I think it’s vitally important to have problem-solving conversations with your child after an incident has occurred. When things are going well, you can say, “If you get frustrated with your sister in the future, what can you do differently, other than to call her names? Let’s make a list.” You might help jump start some ideas by saying, “Instead of calling her names, how about going to your room and listening to some music for a few minutes? Could you do that?” And try to help your child come up with his own ideas. He might say, “If she follows me around the house, I’ll go to my room.” You can then say, “All right, why don't we try that? For the rest of today, if your sister bothers you, pick one thing that you’re going to do from this list and see if it's helpful.” Conversations like these are how you get your child to think about alternative solutions other than yelling at his sister, name-calling, or acting out. Look at it this way: we all get frustrated, we all get angry, and we all get anxious. But everyone has to learn to deal with those feelings appropriately—and a problem-solving conversation is the most effective way to talk with your child about change. 5. Don't Get Sucked into an Argument over Consequences Don’t accept every invitation to argue with your child. Understand that he wants you to get upset so he can drag you into a fight. Your child also wants to show you that he's not hurt by the consequence you’ve given him. Believe me, I understand that it's annoying and frustrating as a parent. Kids will try to push your buttons by saying, “Who cares; whatever.” But don't get sucked into it. Just say, “All right, it’s too bad that you don't care—that means it's just going to happen more often.” Then go do something else. And remember, while you don't want to get sucked into a power struggle, you also don't want to destroy your child’s pride by demeaning him, either—you just want him to stop talking poorly to his sister. 6. Don’t Teach Your Child How to “Do Time” Many parents get frustrated and ground their kids for long periods of time in order to make the punishment stick. Personally, I think that’s a mistake. If you simply ground your child, you're teaching him to do time—and not to learn anything new. But if you ground him until he accomplishes certain things, you can increase the effectiveness of the consequence by 100 percent. I always say to make your consequences task-oriented, not time-oriented. So if your child loses his video game privileges for 24 hours, he should be doing something within that time frame that helps him improve his behavior. Simply grounding him from his video games for a week will just teach him how to wait until he can get them back—not how to behave more appropriately. Remember, if you ground him for 30 days, you’ve fired your big gun. If you ground him for 24 hours, you still have plenty of leverage. Many parents believe the key to making consequences effective is to get a bigger hammer, but that’s not a sound teaching method. Again, we want consequences to be learning experiences. A consequence that doesn’t fit the crime will just seem meaningless to your child, and won’t get you the desired result. Remember, you don’t want to be so punitive that your child simply gives up. That will never translate to better behavior. 7. Engage Your Child’s Self-interest Learn to ask questions in ways that appeal to your child’s self-interest. So for example, you might say, “What are you going to do the next time you think Dad is being unfair so you won't get into trouble?” In other words, you’re trying to engage his self-interest. If your child is a teenager, he won’t care about how Dad feels. Adolescents are frequently very detached from that set of feelings. They might feel guilty and say they're sorry later, but you’ll see the behavior happen again. So learn to appeal to their self- interest, and ask the question, “What can you do so you don't get in trouble next time?” Put it in his best interests: “Understand, if you're going to talk to your sister meanly or curse at her, things are only going to get worse for you, not better. I know you want to keep your phone, so let’s think of ways for you to be able to do that.” 8. How Will I Know If a Consequence Is Working? Parents often say to me, “My child acts like he doesn’t care. So how do I know if the consequence I’m giving him is actually working?” I always tell them, “It’s simple—you’ll know it's working because he’s being held accountable.” Accountability gives you the best chance for change. 9. Some Things Should Never Be Used as Consequences In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your child from going to church. Not ever. I also believe that sports should not be taken away. I have no problem with kids missing a practice if that’s part of a consequence, but taking away the sport entirely is not a good idea. 10. Don’t Show Disgust or Disdain When giving consequences to your child, I think you should be consistent and firm, but don’t show disgust or disdain. In my opinion, you should never be sarcastic with your child because it's wounding. What you’re trying to do is raise someone who can function, not somebody who feels they're a constant disappointment to you. It's very important to shape your behavior so that your child knows you're not taking his mistakes personally. Remember, the look on your face and the tone of your voice communicates a lot more to your child than your words do. Positive regard is critical for getting your message across. I think it’s important to remember that life is really a struggle for many kids. Going to school is difficult, both academically and socially, and there is tremendous pressure on children and teens to perform today. Personally, I think that kids should be recognized and respected for that. Think of it this way: what you're really trying to do is work on your child’s behavior to get him to try to do different things. So if your child misbehaves and you ground him from everything indefinitely, you're losing sight of all the other things he did right—and he will, too. Instead, we want to look at inappropriate behavior as a mistake your child makes. Parents often wonder why their kids make the same mistakes over and over, and I say, “Well, they do that because they’re kids. They’re not pretending. They perceive things very differently than adults do.” We want our kids to learn, so we use the things they enjoy as leverage to teach them better behavior. After all, giving your child a consequence until he shows you he can do better is an effective tool you have at your disposal at all times—even if he tells you he doesn’t care.

Confessions of a Dad

I hate public meltdowns.

In the last few weeks my child has suffered from chronic meltdowns. It seems no matter the routine, something provokes a complete loss of sanity. Anything from sock seams to crayons to cereal… my kid is easily provoked.

Though I know much of it is stress, it’s still not. fun.

It’s one thing for the meltdown to take place inside my home. It’s a “whole-nutha’ Oprah” when it takes place in the parking of our church…. or the restaurant… or Wal-Mart.

It seems the public meltdown is far more stressful. It’s all the stress of a meltdown… with an audience to boot.

For those that think me the perfect dad, all I have to say is, “Whatev!” So. not. perfect.

Maybe perfectly broken.

I hate the meltdowns. but I work through them.

I hate the audience. but I can’t help that.

I love the brokenness. only because I know that within that is a God with Strength greater than my own.

Give a parent some grace… public meltdowns are a reality. Share the love, not the judgment.