Teens are at an important stage in life where they are developing their own value system. Sometimes teens seem unresponsive to parental leadership but what you say has more weight than you imagine. Take time to identify character strengths and weaknesses and then respond accordingly.
When you see a problem, relating a consequence to the specific weakness can be more productive than just "grounding" a teen.
You might say, "I sense an ungrateful spirit in you, yet you seem to continually want me to sacrifice. I don't mind helping you, but I'm going to say no this time and I'll watch and see if your gratefulness increases for the things I'm already doing for you." This type of response teaches young people the value of gratefulness instead of just considering their own goals and desires.
A teen who lacks thoughtfulness about household chores may need a contract where parents agree to drive to an activity if the teen agrees to clean out the car. This again forces young people to give up demandingness and think of the needs of others. Sometimes teens want to come and go as they please but expect food on the table and their clothes cleaned.
One mom who was raising her fifth teenager said, "Alan is 13 now. When he was in kindergarten he was diagnosed with ADHD. He is often assertive in order to control situations. My husband and I have learned over the years that what we see as areas of weakness can turn into areas of strength later on. Alan is daring, not afraid to try something new. This last summer he went on a mission trip and was the youngest member of the team. He did well and was bolder than many of the adults. They found his assertiveness an encouragement."
Make observations for teens and give them feedback about their character.
"It looks like you're easily influenced by your peers."
"You seem to be having trouble managing money."
"Those words are unkind."
Don't overdo negative observations but helping teens see character weaknesses can be an effective way to help them grow. Look for positive character qualities to affirm as well.
“Thank you for taking initiative to clean up the kitchen.”
“Looks like you’re becoming more conscientious with your schoolwork.”
Giving your teen character-based feedback will be quite helpful over time.
This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
A Fun Way to Teach Children to be Servants
One of the roadblocks to sibling harmony is selfishness. Children want to be first or best. Teaching kids to serve others is an important way for them to learn honor. A servant gives more than half, considers others' needs, and looks for ways to benefit those around him. Children who learn to be servants make better employees, develop meaningful friendships, and enjoy relationships more.
One fun way to teach children to be servants is the "I Cut, You Pick" Rule. It helps children who both want the last piece of cake, or plan to split a chocolate bar. It simply goes like this. When children must divide something between the two of them, ask one child if he would rather cut or pick. The other alternative goes to the second child. This plan motivates the person cutting to be as equal as possible.
Now, instead of two children arguing about who got the biggest piece, they are both involved in the solution. The "I Cut, You Pick" rule equips children with a tool they can use in many situations to bring peace instead of frustration in relationships.
The technique actually comes from a Bible story of Abraham and Lot. They had too many herds and not enough food so they decided to divide the land between the two huge families. Abraham, being a wise servant of God, said, "I'll cut the land into two pieces and you pick which one you'd like." In the story, Lot chose what appeared to be the better piece but Abraham was rewarded in the end and, most importantly, their relationship was preserved.
This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
One fun way to teach children to be servants is the "I Cut, You Pick" Rule. It helps children who both want the last piece of cake, or plan to split a chocolate bar. It simply goes like this. When children must divide something between the two of them, ask one child if he would rather cut or pick. The other alternative goes to the second child. This plan motivates the person cutting to be as equal as possible.
Now, instead of two children arguing about who got the biggest piece, they are both involved in the solution. The "I Cut, You Pick" rule equips children with a tool they can use in many situations to bring peace instead of frustration in relationships.
The technique actually comes from a Bible story of Abraham and Lot. They had too many herds and not enough food so they decided to divide the land between the two huge families. Abraham, being a wise servant of God, said, "I'll cut the land into two pieces and you pick which one you'd like." In the story, Lot chose what appeared to be the better piece but Abraham was rewarded in the end and, most importantly, their relationship was preserved.
This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Teach Children How to Listen
A very important skill that children will need as adults is the ability to listen. Listening isn't easy. Most people would rather talk. Children interrupt, yell, and talk over each other, often resulting in misunderstanding. Teaching children how to listen can be a way to help them become less selfish.
One mom told how she taught her children to listen. "I use this technique whenever my boys are in conflict over a toy. I sit them down with the toy on the table and say, 'You can play with the toy as soon as you both agree on a plan.' I encourage them each to share an idea and listen to the other's idea. I teach them about compromise, working together, and sharing, but I let them work it out.
Sometimes they'll both be stubborn and I'll have them stay there until they can agree on a plan. I coach them along when they need it. They must always report back to me before continuing to play, providing an opportunity for me to affirm unselfishness and cooperation.
"It can be fun to teach a five-year-old how to persuade a two-year-old, or help two eight-year-olds negotiate a solution. Conflict is turned into cooperation through listening.
I (Scott) like to joke with children, "Do you know why God made lips for your mouth but not for your ears?" or, "Why do you think God gave you one mouth and two ears? It's because God wants you to quiet your mouth sometimes, so you can listen.
"James 1:19 gives children very practical advice. "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." As a parent, you have many opportunities to teach this valuable skill.
This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
One mom told how she taught her children to listen. "I use this technique whenever my boys are in conflict over a toy. I sit them down with the toy on the table and say, 'You can play with the toy as soon as you both agree on a plan.' I encourage them each to share an idea and listen to the other's idea. I teach them about compromise, working together, and sharing, but I let them work it out.
Sometimes they'll both be stubborn and I'll have them stay there until they can agree on a plan. I coach them along when they need it. They must always report back to me before continuing to play, providing an opportunity for me to affirm unselfishness and cooperation.
"It can be fun to teach a five-year-old how to persuade a two-year-old, or help two eight-year-olds negotiate a solution. Conflict is turned into cooperation through listening.
I (Scott) like to joke with children, "Do you know why God made lips for your mouth but not for your ears?" or, "Why do you think God gave you one mouth and two ears? It's because God wants you to quiet your mouth sometimes, so you can listen.
"James 1:19 gives children very practical advice. "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." As a parent, you have many opportunities to teach this valuable skill.
This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Help Kids Choose Solutions
When a child runs into a problem, often the most efficient solution at the time is for the parent to solve the problem. But that isn't always what's best for the child. When troubleshooting a problem with your son or daughter you may want to offer several alternatives by saying, "Let's think of ways other people might solve this problem."
Depending on your child's responsiveness at the moment, you may want to share the worst alternatives first. This gives the child the opportunity to reject some of the poorer suggestions before the good ones come. As you share each alternative, help your child anticipate the consequences. After sharing a possible solution ask, "What might happen if you do that?" or "I wonder if _____ might happen if you do that?" Anticipating consequences helps your child learn to think through each alternative carefully.
After you've given your suggestions, let your child solve the problem. After all, it is his or her problem. As much as possible, avoid solving problems for children that they can solve for themselves. When faced with available alternatives children may not want to make any choice. Life is hard. The possible solutions may all look bleak.
You may ask, "What are you going to do now?" or "Which one of these choices seems like the best one for you?" Then allow the child to think about the situation. Once your children realize that the solution is up to them, they are more apt to take responsibility for choosing a response.
Keep in mind that sometimes children don't want any of the available solutions and therefore resort to complaining. Complaining takes place in two ways along the process here. First, children bring us problems by complaining sometimes and then other times children complain because they don't like any of the available alternatives. Complaining is focusing on a problem without acknowledging or taking responsibility for the solution. Complaining is unacceptable.
Don't take responsibility for a child's problem when the child just wants to focus on the negative. Encourage your children toward solutions, but leave the responsibility in their hands.
This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Depending on your child's responsiveness at the moment, you may want to share the worst alternatives first. This gives the child the opportunity to reject some of the poorer suggestions before the good ones come. As you share each alternative, help your child anticipate the consequences. After sharing a possible solution ask, "What might happen if you do that?" or "I wonder if _____ might happen if you do that?" Anticipating consequences helps your child learn to think through each alternative carefully.
After you've given your suggestions, let your child solve the problem. After all, it is his or her problem. As much as possible, avoid solving problems for children that they can solve for themselves. When faced with available alternatives children may not want to make any choice. Life is hard. The possible solutions may all look bleak.
You may ask, "What are you going to do now?" or "Which one of these choices seems like the best one for you?" Then allow the child to think about the situation. Once your children realize that the solution is up to them, they are more apt to take responsibility for choosing a response.
Keep in mind that sometimes children don't want any of the available solutions and therefore resort to complaining. Complaining takes place in two ways along the process here. First, children bring us problems by complaining sometimes and then other times children complain because they don't like any of the available alternatives. Complaining is focusing on a problem without acknowledging or taking responsibility for the solution. Complaining is unacceptable.
Don't take responsibility for a child's problem when the child just wants to focus on the negative. Encourage your children toward solutions, but leave the responsibility in their hands.
This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Understanding Why We Get Angry
One of the helpful steps in equipping children to control their anger is to recognize four causes of anger. After kids have settled down and you debrief with them about their anger, talk about what's causing it. You and your child may see patterns and then be able to head off the problem earlier next time.
1) Blocked Goals. This is the kind of thing that happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the playroom and find that Billy has left his Legos all over the floor and you keep stepping on them. Or, Billy may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it first. These are blocked goals.
2) Violated Rights. That's when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favorite CD. Those are violated rights.
3) Unmet Expectations. You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or Jackie thought she would be going to McDonalds but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.
4) Experiencing Unfairness. When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, Tom may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.
Whatever the situation, after a child has settled down, talk about the cause. Discuss the value of sacrificing rights, readjusting goals or expectations, and handling unfairness in a godly way. By examining the causes of anger, you can help children gain greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.
For more ideas about helping children deal with anger, consider the CD set, Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. A plan is also sold separately in an individual CD entitled, Helping Children Deal with Anger.
1) Blocked Goals. This is the kind of thing that happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the playroom and find that Billy has left his Legos all over the floor and you keep stepping on them. Or, Billy may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it first. These are blocked goals.
2) Violated Rights. That's when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favorite CD. Those are violated rights.
3) Unmet Expectations. You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or Jackie thought she would be going to McDonalds but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.
4) Experiencing Unfairness. When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, Tom may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.
Whatever the situation, after a child has settled down, talk about the cause. Discuss the value of sacrificing rights, readjusting goals or expectations, and handling unfairness in a godly way. By examining the causes of anger, you can help children gain greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.
For more ideas about helping children deal with anger, consider the CD set, Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. A plan is also sold separately in an individual CD entitled, Helping Children Deal with Anger.
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