Do It Like You Mean It

The heart makes commitments, the will makes choices, and behavior is where it all comes out. The heart work, or lack of it, is revealed in behavior, what you see every day in your children's lives. Sometimes what's going on in the heart is a mystery, but behavior is always on display.

Jesus taught his disciples about the relationship between the heart and behavior in Matthew 12:33: "Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit." Jesus was pointing out the fact that a heart reveals itself in behavior. He also said, "The things that come out of the mouth come from the heart." (Matt 15:18). If you watch children and listen to what they say, you'll learn more about what's going on deep inside.

Don't be fooled, however, by children who pretend to have their hearts in the right place. Sometimes behavior can mislead others. In speaking to the Pharisees in Mark 7:6, Jesus quoted Isaiah's words, saying, 'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." Sometimes people modify their behavior just to hide what's really going on in their hearts.

All children display both good and bad behavior. Sometimes kids do wel at school or at their friends homes. Parents get amazing compliments about how respectful, kind, and cooperative these kids are. But at home, disrespect, unkindness, and resistance dominate the same children's interactions. The inconsistency will eventually come together. Either children will grow more gracious at home, or they'll become more and more bold in their contempt for others. It all depends on what's going on in their hearts.

It's easy to fall into the trap of concentrating on behavior and missing the heart. After all, you can't see the heart, and working on it is more difficult. In a busy schedule, with all of the other stresses of life, many parents settle for outward conformity. Unfortunately, if not addressed, the heart problems grow and fester until they burst out in ways that shock parents.

Hypocrisy is behaving in a way that contradicts one's beliefs or feelings. When children act like they're obeying but turn around and grumble, complain, and do a half-hearted job, they're establishing a mask on the outside. This is dangerous; but the saddest thing is to watch parents excuse it with comments such as "Well, at least he's obeying" or "He's got a good heart." In reality, this kind of behavior indicates a decaying heart, with rebellion growing past dangerous levels.

In Matthew 23:27-28 Jesus called the Pharisees "whitewashed tombs." To help passersby recognize a grave in that day, people would paint the rocks white. Tombs looked clean on the outside, but decay filled the inside. Jesus knew the Pharisees focused on correct behavior and ignored the heart.

When you see behavior problems, recognize that something deeper is going on. Target your discipline for the heart, because when the heart changes, kids make lasting adjustments in their lives. Jesus told the Pharisees how they could change: "You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence... First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean." (Matt 23:25-26)