Often parents have a inadequate repertoire of discipline techniques so they do what comes naturally—they use anger as a consequence. Anger becomes the punishment that children learn to fear and the result is distance in relationships. Parents want to express disapproval for misbehavior and anger becomes the vehicle for showing it.
Imagine this scenario: You're making dinner and your six-year-old daughter, Amy, comes into the room complaining that she’s hungry. You tell her that you're making dinner and that she needs to wait. She persists and complains that she hasn't eaten all day. You remind her that she had a snack a few hours ago and then encourage her to leave the room.
Instead of leaving, she begins to whine, "I’m starving." Finally you sigh and offer her a banana or an apple. "I don’t like bananas! I don’t want an apple!" Okay, you give in. You offer her some milk and a cookie. Amy is so excited she jumps up…and knocks over the milk! You’ve had it! That was the last straw. Now you're really angry and yell, "What's the matter with you? Now look what you've done!!"
Think a minute. What caused you to lose control? Was it the spilled milk, or was it the fifteen minutes of whining and complaining? If we wait until we become angry to discipline, then we end up responding like a time bomb. Our children can never be sure when we’ll explode.
In this situation, Mom needed to take action earlier. "Amy, it makes me sad that you keep asking after I said 'No.' You need to go to your room until I call you for dinner."
In honor-based parenting, anger and its accompanying distance are not appropriate consequences. Instead, parents learn to reflect sorrow. Some parents may feel like hypocrites because they don't feel sad, they feel mad. But it doesn't take long for a parent to recognize that the sorrow is there. It's just masked by the anger. If you peel away the anger you will genuinely feel sad that your child is acting out or choosing to disobey. You see that their misbehavior will lead to an unhappy and unsuccessful life. Reflecting sadness is much more beneficial to the child and to the relationship.
Try it; you may be surprised. Children often open up in response to sadness and you may end up with a productive conversation. Sadness opens relationships; anger shuts them down. It may take some practice, and self control, but your relationships with your kids will benefit in the end.
This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Suggestions for Influencing Teens
Even the best of parents must make some changes in the way they parent as their children grow up. The old methods of relating don't work the same way anymore. In fact, they seem to cause problems instead.
Of all the changes teens make, the most important one is probably the adjustment in their relationship with their parents. They're moving from a parent-child relationship to an adult-adult relationship. Unfortunately, some parents never make the shift. They continue to treat their teens as if they're still eight or nine years old. Honor helps parents recognize the changes and make the necessary adjustments.
Although you may be able to "control" young children, the key word for teenagers is "influence." Here are five words that describe different ways you can influence teens.
1. Teach - provide them with new information or help them understand another facet of life.
2. Encourage - remind them of the benefits of moving in the right direction.
3. Entreat - earnestly ask them to act in a mature, responsible, and wise way.
4. Admonish - warn, caution, or advise them by anticipating possible negative consequences.
5. Persuade - use relationship, rewards, and consequences to motivate them to make wise choices.
Remember that you don't have to accomplish everything in one interaction. Change takes time and your influence over time will produce the greatest results.
This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Of all the changes teens make, the most important one is probably the adjustment in their relationship with their parents. They're moving from a parent-child relationship to an adult-adult relationship. Unfortunately, some parents never make the shift. They continue to treat their teens as if they're still eight or nine years old. Honor helps parents recognize the changes and make the necessary adjustments.
Although you may be able to "control" young children, the key word for teenagers is "influence." Here are five words that describe different ways you can influence teens.
1. Teach - provide them with new information or help them understand another facet of life.
2. Encourage - remind them of the benefits of moving in the right direction.
3. Entreat - earnestly ask them to act in a mature, responsible, and wise way.
4. Admonish - warn, caution, or advise them by anticipating possible negative consequences.
5. Persuade - use relationship, rewards, and consequences to motivate them to make wise choices.
Remember that you don't have to accomplish everything in one interaction. Change takes time and your influence over time will produce the greatest results.
This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Monitoring Frustration Levels
When allowing a child to solve a problem, it's important to monitor the frustration level. A little frustration, overcome by persistence, builds determination. Too much frustration causes discouragement. Coaching your child through the problem-solving process requires patience and sensitivity.
Here's where the parent's role becomes so important. Unfortunately some parents turn into drill sergeants, commanding their children, and telling them exactly how to solve a problem. Other parents just take over and solve the problem themselves.
If six-year-old Paul announces at dinner, "I don't have a fork," the temptation is for Mom to just get up and get one for him or to give him hers. A wise parent may respond by simply saying, "I see you have a problem there, Paul. What do you think you ought to do about it?"
Some parents feel that just reflecting the problem this way isn't loving. They say, "I just couldn't do that. It doesn't seem right." What these parents don't realize, though, is that this loving response demonstrates confidence in your children that they can solve their own problems. Parents shouldn't turn their backs and walk away. Rather, a wise parent can help a child evaluate the choices, offer suggestions, and then praise the child for the accomplishment. Children grow in confidence as they learn to solve problems for themselves.
Paul may decide that a fork isn't necessary and then be content to use a spoon. His mom or dad could praise him for his flexibility. He may get up to get a fork out of the drawer only to find that all the forks are gone. Solving problems isn't always easy. He may find a clean one not yet put away or choose to wash a fork that's dirty on the counter.
At each step along the way, the parent may be tempted to step in but a wise parent can offer just enough guidance to allow the child to feel the accomplishment of problem solving. Monitoring the frustration level can help a parent know when to step in and when to allow the child to learn independently.
This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Here's where the parent's role becomes so important. Unfortunately some parents turn into drill sergeants, commanding their children, and telling them exactly how to solve a problem. Other parents just take over and solve the problem themselves.
If six-year-old Paul announces at dinner, "I don't have a fork," the temptation is for Mom to just get up and get one for him or to give him hers. A wise parent may respond by simply saying, "I see you have a problem there, Paul. What do you think you ought to do about it?"
Some parents feel that just reflecting the problem this way isn't loving. They say, "I just couldn't do that. It doesn't seem right." What these parents don't realize, though, is that this loving response demonstrates confidence in your children that they can solve their own problems. Parents shouldn't turn their backs and walk away. Rather, a wise parent can help a child evaluate the choices, offer suggestions, and then praise the child for the accomplishment. Children grow in confidence as they learn to solve problems for themselves.
Paul may decide that a fork isn't necessary and then be content to use a spoon. His mom or dad could praise him for his flexibility. He may get up to get a fork out of the drawer only to find that all the forks are gone. Solving problems isn't always easy. He may find a clean one not yet put away or choose to wash a fork that's dirty on the counter.
At each step along the way, the parent may be tempted to step in but a wise parent can offer just enough guidance to allow the child to feel the accomplishment of problem solving. Monitoring the frustration level can help a parent know when to step in and when to allow the child to learn independently.
This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Connecting with your child
Heart moments are what parents long for.
The fourteen-year-old who cleans up the kitchen just to see the delight on your face. The eight-year-old who cries that repentant cry when he truly realizes the seriousness of his disobedience. The four-year-old who gives you that big hug and says, “You’re the best mommy in the whole world!” All of these are heart moments and they not only remind us of the value of parenting, but also they give us encouragement continue on. Sometimes heart moments happen after weeks and months of hard work. Other times they come more spontaneously.
No matter what brought the heart moment on, you want to be ready for it.Pray daily that God would help you be ready. Be sure to take advantage of opportunities with your kids. Those opportunities may be when you're driving in the car, or when your child has just had an emotional experience. Be ready. Time and emotions are two of the things that open up the heart. Look for ways to connect and watch what God will do.
The fourteen-year-old who cleans up the kitchen just to see the delight on your face. The eight-year-old who cries that repentant cry when he truly realizes the seriousness of his disobedience. The four-year-old who gives you that big hug and says, “You’re the best mommy in the whole world!” All of these are heart moments and they not only remind us of the value of parenting, but also they give us encouragement continue on. Sometimes heart moments happen after weeks and months of hard work. Other times they come more spontaneously.
No matter what brought the heart moment on, you want to be ready for it.Pray daily that God would help you be ready. Be sure to take advantage of opportunities with your kids. Those opportunities may be when you're driving in the car, or when your child has just had an emotional experience. Be ready. Time and emotions are two of the things that open up the heart. Look for ways to connect and watch what God will do.
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