The heart is where we experience emotion. What people feel influences their decisions, reactions, and behavior. When a young man says to a woman, "I love you with all my heart," he means his emotions have helped guide his heart to commitment. But love isn't the only emotion in the heart. Anxiety, fear, and anger can turn a heart into a place of turmoil and distress; conversely, joy, peace, and love give a sense of well-being.
The Bible describes this emotional link. First Samuel 4:13 says that Eli's heart "feared" for the ark of God. Deuteronomy 1:28 says the spies who gave a bad report about the land discouraged the people's hearts. Psalm 61:2 speaks of an overwhelmed heart. In each case, emotions in the heart affected behavior.
It is true that many children decide what to do based on how they feel. They procrastinate because they feel unmotivated, react because they're angry, or give in to peer pressure to feel accepted. Through the everyday work of child training, parents help children learn that responsibility requires that we do things we don't feel like doing. Those who make decisions based only on how they fel often end up making poor choices.
A wise grandfather warned his grandchildren about falling in love. "you don't fall in love," he'd say. "You fall in ditches. You fall down stairs. You fall overboard. But you should plan your love life and choose carefully the person you're going to marry." This grandpa had a lot of wisdom. He understood that emotions are just one resource the heart contains for making decisions.
Nevertheless, the heart is where emotions are felt. Deep-seated needs are often experienced on an emotional level. Ultimately, God is the one who fulfills all of our needs, and he uses a number of tools to do so. God created the family to be a place where emotional needs are met. In fact, parents are a primary source for a child's emotional health, and how Dad and Mom relate to their children sets an important foundation.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Challenge Behavior Using a Heart Approach
You may be wondering, "So what do I do when I see problems in my kids? Do I focus on the behavior or the heart issue?"
The answer is both. When you see a behavior problem, ask, "What's the heart issue?" Then develop a strategy that addresses both the heart issues and the behavior.
For example, let's imagine 9 year old Samantha doesn't finish her homework assignments. Her teacher reports her work is sometimes sloppy and done only halfway; other times, it's not handed in at all. As we look at Samantha's life, we see she's also lazy with her chores and gives up easily when struggling with her friend.
The solution for Samantha will be two-sided. The behavior side may include setting up structures to help Samantha succeed. You could monitor her more closely and schedule a specific homework time, provide a quiet place for her to work undistracted, check her homework, and possibly even set up a reward system for when she finishes a job well.
Then, add a heart-focused side to the solution. Work on heart issues seperate from schoolwork. Look for opportunities to build a vision for qualities such as thoroughness, diligence, responsibility, and self-control-and develop them.
The solution needs to acknowledge the behavior problem and work toward different actions. At the same time, the deeper heart issues need to be challenged. By taking a two-pronged approach, you can bring about lasting change while teaching appropriate behavior.
You work with your children's behavior every day. It's part of the job. As you continue to discipline for misbehavior and affirm positive actions, don't forget about the heart. Realize behavior indicates deeper things that need attention or encouragement. On the other hand, identify your kids' heart issues and look for ways to build patterns of behavior that target those heart concerns. By working on both behavior and the heart, you'll achieve maximum change in your children and contribute to their success both internally and externally.
The answer is both. When you see a behavior problem, ask, "What's the heart issue?" Then develop a strategy that addresses both the heart issues and the behavior.
For example, let's imagine 9 year old Samantha doesn't finish her homework assignments. Her teacher reports her work is sometimes sloppy and done only halfway; other times, it's not handed in at all. As we look at Samantha's life, we see she's also lazy with her chores and gives up easily when struggling with her friend.
The solution for Samantha will be two-sided. The behavior side may include setting up structures to help Samantha succeed. You could monitor her more closely and schedule a specific homework time, provide a quiet place for her to work undistracted, check her homework, and possibly even set up a reward system for when she finishes a job well.
Then, add a heart-focused side to the solution. Work on heart issues seperate from schoolwork. Look for opportunities to build a vision for qualities such as thoroughness, diligence, responsibility, and self-control-and develop them.
The solution needs to acknowledge the behavior problem and work toward different actions. At the same time, the deeper heart issues need to be challenged. By taking a two-pronged approach, you can bring about lasting change while teaching appropriate behavior.
You work with your children's behavior every day. It's part of the job. As you continue to discipline for misbehavior and affirm positive actions, don't forget about the heart. Realize behavior indicates deeper things that need attention or encouragement. On the other hand, identify your kids' heart issues and look for ways to build patterns of behavior that target those heart concerns. By working on both behavior and the heart, you'll achieve maximum change in your children and contribute to their success both internally and externally.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
What Your Child Treasures
What are your kids interested in? What do they think about? Where do they spend their money? What do they want to do? Jesus said that "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (matt 6:21) Most of the time the activities our children chose indicate what they treasure.
Because the heart and behavior are closely linked, parents can look for things their kids can do that will encourage healthy heart change. Desires, hopes, dreams, and wishes start in the heart and then come out in a child's conversation. 8 year old Mike talked about becoming a pastor someday. He asked lots of questions about what pastors do and how he could become one. At home, however, he often got angry and hurt others with his words. He had a bad attitude toward his parents when they asked him to do something. And he spent a lot of time playing video games.
This was an opportunity to help him on a heart level. He desired to do something good but couldn't see the inconsistencies in his life that were preventing movement toward his goal. We could go to Mike and say "Mike, I hear you want to become a pastor. That's a great goal. In fact, you'd make a great pastor because you're friendly and outgoing. But I see a couple of problems that might slow you down along the way. Would you like to know what those are? Well, I notice you have a hard time obeying your parents sometimes, and you have a problem with anger. Those two things will get in the way of your goals." Also suggest that Mike should spend some time reading the Bible instead of dedicating his time to video games.
He will be ready to make the changes because children invest in the things that are in their hearts. Part of our job as parents is to inspire our children with a bigger vision for life, giving them something to set their hearts on.
If the things your child values aren't helpful, look for ways to limit them. One mom said, "We set a time limit on computer games because we saw they were consuming hours of our son's time. It's helped us in two ways. First, he's started building friendships with more children in the neighborhood. We've enjoyed watching him develop these relationships. But also we've been able to use the computer games as a privilege to help motivate him to treat us kindly. He knows we don't tolerate disrespect and that he may lose the little time he has on the computer if he isn't careful.
Look for ways to guide your children into constructive and helpful activities, hobbies, and relationships. Sometimes you'll have to limit certain activities, but look for positive ones to replace those you're taking away. Try to attract your children to good choices by providing opportunities they'd enjoy. One dad gave his daughter a Christian-music sampler CD because she believed all Christian music was boring. When she heard some of the new songs, she realized many Christian artists actually sang the kind of music she liked. Dad looked for ways to encourage his daughter's interest in Christian music by sharing information about local concerts, special CD deals, and giving her music for her birthday.
Another dad felt uncomfortable about the amount of time his son was spending with neighborhood friends. When a Christian martial arts group started at church, he got his son involved. New friendships developed that replaced those from his neighborhood.
By adjusting what your children do, you can influence what they enjoy and eventually what they treasure. If they develop longings and desires to to the right thing, their choices will reflect those good values.
Sometimes simply providing different choices guides your child into more healthy heart situations, but other children seem to have a bent towards treasuring the wrong things. Or, they may want to spend hours in activities that aren't bad in themselves, but you know don't contribute to their maturity and growth. You may have to use a combination of approaches, including setting down some firm limits to guide your child in the right direction. That's part of the hard work of parenting, but it's not optional. Be creative, and look for alternatives, but recognize that, if achild isn't responding, you may have to provide parental control. Don't be afraid to take a stand to redirect your child into more healthy choices.
Because the heart and behavior are closely linked, parents can look for things their kids can do that will encourage healthy heart change. Desires, hopes, dreams, and wishes start in the heart and then come out in a child's conversation. 8 year old Mike talked about becoming a pastor someday. He asked lots of questions about what pastors do and how he could become one. At home, however, he often got angry and hurt others with his words. He had a bad attitude toward his parents when they asked him to do something. And he spent a lot of time playing video games.
This was an opportunity to help him on a heart level. He desired to do something good but couldn't see the inconsistencies in his life that were preventing movement toward his goal. We could go to Mike and say "Mike, I hear you want to become a pastor. That's a great goal. In fact, you'd make a great pastor because you're friendly and outgoing. But I see a couple of problems that might slow you down along the way. Would you like to know what those are? Well, I notice you have a hard time obeying your parents sometimes, and you have a problem with anger. Those two things will get in the way of your goals." Also suggest that Mike should spend some time reading the Bible instead of dedicating his time to video games.
He will be ready to make the changes because children invest in the things that are in their hearts. Part of our job as parents is to inspire our children with a bigger vision for life, giving them something to set their hearts on.
If the things your child values aren't helpful, look for ways to limit them. One mom said, "We set a time limit on computer games because we saw they were consuming hours of our son's time. It's helped us in two ways. First, he's started building friendships with more children in the neighborhood. We've enjoyed watching him develop these relationships. But also we've been able to use the computer games as a privilege to help motivate him to treat us kindly. He knows we don't tolerate disrespect and that he may lose the little time he has on the computer if he isn't careful.
Look for ways to guide your children into constructive and helpful activities, hobbies, and relationships. Sometimes you'll have to limit certain activities, but look for positive ones to replace those you're taking away. Try to attract your children to good choices by providing opportunities they'd enjoy. One dad gave his daughter a Christian-music sampler CD because she believed all Christian music was boring. When she heard some of the new songs, she realized many Christian artists actually sang the kind of music she liked. Dad looked for ways to encourage his daughter's interest in Christian music by sharing information about local concerts, special CD deals, and giving her music for her birthday.
Another dad felt uncomfortable about the amount of time his son was spending with neighborhood friends. When a Christian martial arts group started at church, he got his son involved. New friendships developed that replaced those from his neighborhood.
By adjusting what your children do, you can influence what they enjoy and eventually what they treasure. If they develop longings and desires to to the right thing, their choices will reflect those good values.
Sometimes simply providing different choices guides your child into more healthy heart situations, but other children seem to have a bent towards treasuring the wrong things. Or, they may want to spend hours in activities that aren't bad in themselves, but you know don't contribute to their maturity and growth. You may have to use a combination of approaches, including setting down some firm limits to guide your child in the right direction. That's part of the hard work of parenting, but it's not optional. Be creative, and look for alternatives, but recognize that, if achild isn't responding, you may have to provide parental control. Don't be afraid to take a stand to redirect your child into more healthy choices.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The Value of Listening
Jesus said, "Out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45); people talk about what's happening inside. Parents can use this principle to look deeper into a child's heart. In fact, both the things your child talks about and the way those words are said become a gauge, giving you cues for where to target your heart work.
"But my kids won't talk," some parents reply. It's surprising how many times we ask kids why they don't talk to their parents and hear the same answer: "Because they don't listen to me." Yes, it's true some children confuse listening with agreeing. They say to themselves, "My parents don't agree with me- therefore they don't understand me or don't listen to what I'm saying." These parents are often trying to listen, but aren't persuaded to change their own opinions or decisions.
On the other hand, we find some parents really don't listen to their children, whether they agree or not. They're irritated by the illogic, different viewpoints,. or naive opinions of their kids. Listening feels like torture as a child goes on and on about things that don't make sense to the parent. It's in these moments, however, that parents can learn a lot about a child's heart. Children may be wrong, but they're usually following some kind of internal logic.
As you listen to your kids talk, try to discern what they believe that may be distracting them from understanding the truth. Don't feel like you have to point it out on the spot. Take time to listen and make mental notes of errors in their thinking. Look for creative ways to help them understand truth more fully.
Proverbs 20:5 says, "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." The greatest enemy of listening is wanting to tell your own story. Be careful not to give your opinions too quickly. Kids shut down their hearts faster than a turtle can pull his head into his shell when they know sticking their necks out means having to listen to another lecture.
One dad realized his primary discipline strategy was forcing his daughter to listen to him when she made a mistake. Those lectures turned her off and she rarely wanted to spend time with him. He made some adjustments, abandoned the lecture approach, and used some heart-opening strategies. He focused more on his relationship with her by hanging out without an agenda, asking questions that didn't lead to a point, and complimenting her in areas of growth. Even when correcting he made shorter observations, gave clear instructions about what to do differently, and de-emphasized long lectures about his philosophy of life. His daughter began to warm up to him again.
"But my kids won't talk," some parents reply. It's surprising how many times we ask kids why they don't talk to their parents and hear the same answer: "Because they don't listen to me." Yes, it's true some children confuse listening with agreeing. They say to themselves, "My parents don't agree with me- therefore they don't understand me or don't listen to what I'm saying." These parents are often trying to listen, but aren't persuaded to change their own opinions or decisions.
On the other hand, we find some parents really don't listen to their children, whether they agree or not. They're irritated by the illogic, different viewpoints,. or naive opinions of their kids. Listening feels like torture as a child goes on and on about things that don't make sense to the parent. It's in these moments, however, that parents can learn a lot about a child's heart. Children may be wrong, but they're usually following some kind of internal logic.
As you listen to your kids talk, try to discern what they believe that may be distracting them from understanding the truth. Don't feel like you have to point it out on the spot. Take time to listen and make mental notes of errors in their thinking. Look for creative ways to help them understand truth more fully.
Proverbs 20:5 says, "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." The greatest enemy of listening is wanting to tell your own story. Be careful not to give your opinions too quickly. Kids shut down their hearts faster than a turtle can pull his head into his shell when they know sticking their necks out means having to listen to another lecture.
One dad realized his primary discipline strategy was forcing his daughter to listen to him when she made a mistake. Those lectures turned her off and she rarely wanted to spend time with him. He made some adjustments, abandoned the lecture approach, and used some heart-opening strategies. He focused more on his relationship with her by hanging out without an agenda, asking questions that didn't lead to a point, and complimenting her in areas of growth. Even when correcting he made shorter observations, gave clear instructions about what to do differently, and de-emphasized long lectures about his philosophy of life. His daughter began to warm up to him again.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Behavior Can Be a Tool for Heart Change
Although we must be careful not to focus on behavior alone, it's important to realize that sometimes behavior can change the heart. Ideally, we change from the inside out, adjusting the heart and giving God greater control, resulting in outward changes. But that isn't how it always works. In the Bible we read God's commands for behavior- and his expectation of obedience. These commands are important not just for their external value, but because obeying them changes us.
Sometimes people just don't feel like doing what's right. Does that excuse their behavior? After all, they don't want to become hypocrites, and since they don't feel like doing what's right, why not continue to do the wrong thing until their hearts change? Of course the faulty reasoning here is obvious. Even if you don't feel like it, you need to do the right thing.
Many of the chores your children do are likely a struggle for them. Unless your kids are exceptional, they get frustrated with work and view cleaning their rooms, washing the dishes, or raking leaves as an intrusion into their lives. In those moments, pray for heart change, talk about deeper issues, but continue to hold the line. Children who learn to work hard are eventually surprised by the amount of work they can do, but it takes time. Quite frankly, even parents get tired of chores and often do them out of duty. Even then, though we can maintain positive attitudes because we know we're working for a greater good-the well-being of our families.
But how can we change the heart when we have to get the dishes done, clothes picked up, and get kids out the door to school? Heart work can seem elusive when you're faced with the urgency of daily life. Sometimes parents just have to do what needs to be done to keep things moving. But a heart approach to parenting means that at some points in our day or week we take the time necessary to address the hearts of our children. In the busier times, we make mental notes so we can develop a plan to reach down to the heart issues when the opportunity arises. But even on the run, many of the comments you make to your child reflect either a heart or a behavior approach to parenting.
Ten-year-old Jeffrey seemed irritated whenever Mom asked him to do something. She realized that his resistance was a pattern, likely indicating a heart problem. In the busyness of the morning one day, she took thirty seconds and stopped him in the hall. 'Jeffrey, I'm going to give you some instructions this morning. I've noticed you often react unkindly to me when I do that. I'm concernced about the pattern I'm seeing, because it seems to indicate a problem in your heart. Would you please think about it?"
By confronting Jeffrey when she wasn't reacting to his disrespect, she made some progress. Jeffrey knew Mom wasn't just interested in getting the job done but was committed to helping him change his heart as well.
Behavior is important, and parents need to address the behavior problems they see. But that's only the beginning. We must also talk about heart issues and challenge our children to consider what's in their hearts.
Some children, however, seem to be doing pretty well. They follow instructions and seem to respond positively to life most of the time. How do we know if their hearts are in the right place or if what we see is just a big cover-up? When children are young, parents can get a pretty clear picture into the heart by watching behavior. Preschoolers and young elementary-age kids tend to be transparent. Their selfishness, pride, or dishonesty can be glaringly obvious.
As children get older, however, they may cover up problems and hold more in their hearts, be more secretive, and make it harder to know what's really going on inside. With these kids, we need to watch more closely for inconsistencies in behavior that may indicate a problem. Even if behavior isn't a concern, parents need to be diligent, looking for subtle cues. Pray that the Lord will make you sensitive to the heart issues your child is wrestling with. Pray for wisdom and discernment as you seek to uncover what may be hidden. The Bible tells us two ways we can get a picture into our kids' hearts: (1) listening and (2) looking at what they treasure.
Sometimes people just don't feel like doing what's right. Does that excuse their behavior? After all, they don't want to become hypocrites, and since they don't feel like doing what's right, why not continue to do the wrong thing until their hearts change? Of course the faulty reasoning here is obvious. Even if you don't feel like it, you need to do the right thing.
Many of the chores your children do are likely a struggle for them. Unless your kids are exceptional, they get frustrated with work and view cleaning their rooms, washing the dishes, or raking leaves as an intrusion into their lives. In those moments, pray for heart change, talk about deeper issues, but continue to hold the line. Children who learn to work hard are eventually surprised by the amount of work they can do, but it takes time. Quite frankly, even parents get tired of chores and often do them out of duty. Even then, though we can maintain positive attitudes because we know we're working for a greater good-the well-being of our families.
But how can we change the heart when we have to get the dishes done, clothes picked up, and get kids out the door to school? Heart work can seem elusive when you're faced with the urgency of daily life. Sometimes parents just have to do what needs to be done to keep things moving. But a heart approach to parenting means that at some points in our day or week we take the time necessary to address the hearts of our children. In the busier times, we make mental notes so we can develop a plan to reach down to the heart issues when the opportunity arises. But even on the run, many of the comments you make to your child reflect either a heart or a behavior approach to parenting.
Ten-year-old Jeffrey seemed irritated whenever Mom asked him to do something. She realized that his resistance was a pattern, likely indicating a heart problem. In the busyness of the morning one day, she took thirty seconds and stopped him in the hall. 'Jeffrey, I'm going to give you some instructions this morning. I've noticed you often react unkindly to me when I do that. I'm concernced about the pattern I'm seeing, because it seems to indicate a problem in your heart. Would you please think about it?"
By confronting Jeffrey when she wasn't reacting to his disrespect, she made some progress. Jeffrey knew Mom wasn't just interested in getting the job done but was committed to helping him change his heart as well.
Behavior is important, and parents need to address the behavior problems they see. But that's only the beginning. We must also talk about heart issues and challenge our children to consider what's in their hearts.
Some children, however, seem to be doing pretty well. They follow instructions and seem to respond positively to life most of the time. How do we know if their hearts are in the right place or if what we see is just a big cover-up? When children are young, parents can get a pretty clear picture into the heart by watching behavior. Preschoolers and young elementary-age kids tend to be transparent. Their selfishness, pride, or dishonesty can be glaringly obvious.
As children get older, however, they may cover up problems and hold more in their hearts, be more secretive, and make it harder to know what's really going on inside. With these kids, we need to watch more closely for inconsistencies in behavior that may indicate a problem. Even if behavior isn't a concern, parents need to be diligent, looking for subtle cues. Pray that the Lord will make you sensitive to the heart issues your child is wrestling with. Pray for wisdom and discernment as you seek to uncover what may be hidden. The Bible tells us two ways we can get a picture into our kids' hearts: (1) listening and (2) looking at what they treasure.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Do It Like You Mean It
The heart makes commitments, the will makes choices, and behavior is where it all comes out. The heart work, or lack of it, is revealed in behavior, what you see every day in your children's lives. Sometimes what's going on in the heart is a mystery, but behavior is always on display.
Jesus taught his disciples about the relationship between the heart and behavior in Matthew 12:33: "Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit." Jesus was pointing out the fact that a heart reveals itself in behavior. He also said, "The things that come out of the mouth come from the heart." (Matt 15:18). If you watch children and listen to what they say, you'll learn more about what's going on deep inside.
Don't be fooled, however, by children who pretend to have their hearts in the right place. Sometimes behavior can mislead others. In speaking to the Pharisees in Mark 7:6, Jesus quoted Isaiah's words, saying, 'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." Sometimes people modify their behavior just to hide what's really going on in their hearts.
All children display both good and bad behavior. Sometimes kids do wel at school or at their friends homes. Parents get amazing compliments about how respectful, kind, and cooperative these kids are. But at home, disrespect, unkindness, and resistance dominate the same children's interactions. The inconsistency will eventually come together. Either children will grow more gracious at home, or they'll become more and more bold in their contempt for others. It all depends on what's going on in their hearts.
It's easy to fall into the trap of concentrating on behavior and missing the heart. After all, you can't see the heart, and working on it is more difficult. In a busy schedule, with all of the other stresses of life, many parents settle for outward conformity. Unfortunately, if not addressed, the heart problems grow and fester until they burst out in ways that shock parents.
Hypocrisy is behaving in a way that contradicts one's beliefs or feelings. When children act like they're obeying but turn around and grumble, complain, and do a half-hearted job, they're establishing a mask on the outside. This is dangerous; but the saddest thing is to watch parents excuse it with comments such as "Well, at least he's obeying" or "He's got a good heart." In reality, this kind of behavior indicates a decaying heart, with rebellion growing past dangerous levels.
In Matthew 23:27-28 Jesus called the Pharisees "whitewashed tombs." To help passersby recognize a grave in that day, people would paint the rocks white. Tombs looked clean on the outside, but decay filled the inside. Jesus knew the Pharisees focused on correct behavior and ignored the heart.
When you see behavior problems, recognize that something deeper is going on. Target your discipline for the heart, because when the heart changes, kids make lasting adjustments in their lives. Jesus told the Pharisees how they could change: "You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence... First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean." (Matt 23:25-26)
Jesus taught his disciples about the relationship between the heart and behavior in Matthew 12:33: "Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit." Jesus was pointing out the fact that a heart reveals itself in behavior. He also said, "The things that come out of the mouth come from the heart." (Matt 15:18). If you watch children and listen to what they say, you'll learn more about what's going on deep inside.
Don't be fooled, however, by children who pretend to have their hearts in the right place. Sometimes behavior can mislead others. In speaking to the Pharisees in Mark 7:6, Jesus quoted Isaiah's words, saying, 'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." Sometimes people modify their behavior just to hide what's really going on in their hearts.
All children display both good and bad behavior. Sometimes kids do wel at school or at their friends homes. Parents get amazing compliments about how respectful, kind, and cooperative these kids are. But at home, disrespect, unkindness, and resistance dominate the same children's interactions. The inconsistency will eventually come together. Either children will grow more gracious at home, or they'll become more and more bold in their contempt for others. It all depends on what's going on in their hearts.
It's easy to fall into the trap of concentrating on behavior and missing the heart. After all, you can't see the heart, and working on it is more difficult. In a busy schedule, with all of the other stresses of life, many parents settle for outward conformity. Unfortunately, if not addressed, the heart problems grow and fester until they burst out in ways that shock parents.
Hypocrisy is behaving in a way that contradicts one's beliefs or feelings. When children act like they're obeying but turn around and grumble, complain, and do a half-hearted job, they're establishing a mask on the outside. This is dangerous; but the saddest thing is to watch parents excuse it with comments such as "Well, at least he's obeying" or "He's got a good heart." In reality, this kind of behavior indicates a decaying heart, with rebellion growing past dangerous levels.
In Matthew 23:27-28 Jesus called the Pharisees "whitewashed tombs." To help passersby recognize a grave in that day, people would paint the rocks white. Tombs looked clean on the outside, but decay filled the inside. Jesus knew the Pharisees focused on correct behavior and ignored the heart.
When you see behavior problems, recognize that something deeper is going on. Target your discipline for the heart, because when the heart changes, kids make lasting adjustments in their lives. Jesus told the Pharisees how they could change: "You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence... First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean." (Matt 23:25-26)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Motivating the Unmotivated Child
The Bible tells us of people who needed a little extra motivation to get moving in the right direction. God often came alongside people such as Moses, Elijah, and Jacob to motivate them to take initiative when they might not have done so otherwise. In Judges 6, Gideon asked God questions, and it's as if God had to talk him into leading the people. He even used fleeces to make sure God wanted him to take leadership.
Sometimes people who are unmotivated to take action are quick to complain. It's much easier to criticise, whine, and point out the problem than to offer constructive advice and become part of the solution.
Eight-year old Martin had a lot of complaints. Problems were never his fault, and he seemed to be able to point out others' weaknesses rather easily. Dad challenged his son one day by saying, "There are two kids of people in the world: whiners and solvers. People in our office at work have complained for weeks that the office schedule disappears and people can't find it. Today I created a red folder for the schedule and a place to keep it. People are pleased because this will help solve the problem of the missing schedule." Dad was trying to get Martin to consider his own whining and complaining and teach him to take action instead.
Even unmotivated people wrestle with issues and questions in their hearts, although you may not see it as clearly as in the strong-willed child. Some children process things more internally and aren't as transparent. These children appear complaint, allowing others to make decisions or take the lead, but their anger may be growing inside. The child may not know how to respond and choose to brood instead.
Fear of failure may keep un unmotivated child from taking action. Some kids want everything perfect before they'll take the first step. Unlike the strong-willed child, who often learns by jumping in and making mistakes, the unmotivated child will hold back until more parts of the plan become obvious.
Hannah, age nine, is shy and rarely tries new things. She is hesitant to take on an instrument at school, doesn't want to play on a sports team, and won't attempt the extra credit project for science class. Hannah is not a behavior problem, but Mom is concerned because Hannah lacks initiative and isn't going anywhere in life.
Mom realized Hannah had a heart issue that was keeping her from many good things in life. Mom began to challenge her daughter in some positive ways. They talked about the benefits of initiative, and Mom required that her daughter do the extra credit assignment at school. Mom also shared Scripture with her daughter about people who stepped out of their comfort zone. Mom praised Hannah for small steps of initiative with her friends and at church. Mom knows that Hannah has a long way to go in this area, but she's not allowing the lack of behavior problems to prevent her from moving forward with her daughter.
Sometimes parents overlook the unmotivated child because she isn't causing any trouble, generally gets along with people, and appears easygoing. It may be more difficult to know what's going on in this child's heart, requiring extra work and effort. Give your children opportunity to test out new things without criticism. Failure is often a good teacher. Making mistakes is part of growth.
Sometimes people who are unmotivated to take action are quick to complain. It's much easier to criticise, whine, and point out the problem than to offer constructive advice and become part of the solution.
Eight-year old Martin had a lot of complaints. Problems were never his fault, and he seemed to be able to point out others' weaknesses rather easily. Dad challenged his son one day by saying, "There are two kids of people in the world: whiners and solvers. People in our office at work have complained for weeks that the office schedule disappears and people can't find it. Today I created a red folder for the schedule and a place to keep it. People are pleased because this will help solve the problem of the missing schedule." Dad was trying to get Martin to consider his own whining and complaining and teach him to take action instead.
Even unmotivated people wrestle with issues and questions in their hearts, although you may not see it as clearly as in the strong-willed child. Some children process things more internally and aren't as transparent. These children appear complaint, allowing others to make decisions or take the lead, but their anger may be growing inside. The child may not know how to respond and choose to brood instead.
Fear of failure may keep un unmotivated child from taking action. Some kids want everything perfect before they'll take the first step. Unlike the strong-willed child, who often learns by jumping in and making mistakes, the unmotivated child will hold back until more parts of the plan become obvious.
Hannah, age nine, is shy and rarely tries new things. She is hesitant to take on an instrument at school, doesn't want to play on a sports team, and won't attempt the extra credit project for science class. Hannah is not a behavior problem, but Mom is concerned because Hannah lacks initiative and isn't going anywhere in life.
Mom realized Hannah had a heart issue that was keeping her from many good things in life. Mom began to challenge her daughter in some positive ways. They talked about the benefits of initiative, and Mom required that her daughter do the extra credit assignment at school. Mom also shared Scripture with her daughter about people who stepped out of their comfort zone. Mom praised Hannah for small steps of initiative with her friends and at church. Mom knows that Hannah has a long way to go in this area, but she's not allowing the lack of behavior problems to prevent her from moving forward with her daughter.
Sometimes parents overlook the unmotivated child because she isn't causing any trouble, generally gets along with people, and appears easygoing. It may be more difficult to know what's going on in this child's heart, requiring extra work and effort. Give your children opportunity to test out new things without criticism. Failure is often a good teacher. Making mistakes is part of growth.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Setting Limits for the Strong Willed Child
The way God disciplined Saul of Tarsus redirected his intensity to something productive instead of destructive. God didn't just stop him from persecuting Christians. He redirected Saul's life goals so the same intesity Saul used to hurt others was applied to sharing Christ with people around the world. He changed his heart.
Sometimes a major crisis causes a change of heart, but more often it happens over time through interactions in everyday life.
A strong willed child may object every time you give an instruction, and you may find it quite tempting to give in. After all, eventually the child discovers some logic that makes sense. You child's lawyer type approach has backed you into a corner, and you begin to feel like it would be wrong to stay the course. The child has successfully talked you into a compromise.
Now, it's important for parents to listen to their children. In fact, compromise can be a good thing in many situations. Asking children to propose an alternative solution helps them develop the ability to appeal graciously to authority. Parents should look for ways to incorporate children into the decision making process.
But some parents have erred too far in that direction, and their children can't seem to follow any instructions without a dialogue. These parents feel as if they have to talk their kids into obeying, and children develop the belief that if they don't agree, they don't have to obey. Conversation can be good in some circumstances, but sometimes strong willed children need to just stop resisting and do it your way. Children who argue continually tend to value their own agenda above relationship. Their desires and getting what they want become the most important thing, revealing a heart-deep selfishness that needs to change.
If you find yourself in a pattern of never ending spiral conversations, and your child is becoming more demanding and self-willed in this area, you need to develop a new routine. In a calm moment, have a sit-down meeting with your child and say, "We seem to have a problem when I give you an instruction you don't like. I appreciate your persistence and many of your ideas are good, but when I tell you to do something, that's not the time to argue. This is a heart problem. So from now on, when I ask you to do something, I want you to obey first; then we'l talk about it later. I want to see if you can accept my instructions and cooperate without arguing."
Your job is to teach your child where limits exist in relationships. As an adult, you know when challenging someone crosses the line of insubordination, but strong-willed children often lack the sensitivity to pick up on basic social cues that tell them when they're exceeded appropriate relational boundaries. Frustratingly, they often don't even take notice of the subtle correction cues you give, so you feel like you have to get angry or become blunt, cold, rude, or even mean to get the message across.
You don't have to be mean, but it is often necessary to exaggerate the cues. When a persistent child launches into his arguments, you might typically give a look that communicates, "I've heard enough." A sensitive person would catch that look and stop talking or change the subject. But your child doesn't get it, so you have to make the cues more obvious. Of course, some children see the cues but decide to ignore them. You can raise the awareness level and help children realize that you're not going to follow the same old script. You might say, "Son, I've given you my answer, and I want to be done with this conversation, but I feel like you're a big truck, and I'm being run over. It's time for you to stop trying to change my mind. We're done."
Many parents try to break the will. In fact you've probably heard the parenting proverb that goes like this: Break the will without breaking the spirit. This will only be productive if you have a heart based approach to discipline, because stopping a child's determination forces her to reevaluate her values and priorities. You create a wall to block the child's will; but, at the same time, it's critical to feed the heart with new information and experiences. In this way, the walls you set up redirect a child's heart rather than just create a hurdle for her to overcome.
If behavior modification is the focus, however, determined children learn to get what they want. They discover ways to go through, over, around, or under your wall. It just takes time and a little creativity. The will is a good thing when it is directed by a wise heart, but a foolish heart creates a lot of pain for both the child and the parents.
Sometimes a major crisis causes a change of heart, but more often it happens over time through interactions in everyday life.
A strong willed child may object every time you give an instruction, and you may find it quite tempting to give in. After all, eventually the child discovers some logic that makes sense. You child's lawyer type approach has backed you into a corner, and you begin to feel like it would be wrong to stay the course. The child has successfully talked you into a compromise.
Now, it's important for parents to listen to their children. In fact, compromise can be a good thing in many situations. Asking children to propose an alternative solution helps them develop the ability to appeal graciously to authority. Parents should look for ways to incorporate children into the decision making process.
But some parents have erred too far in that direction, and their children can't seem to follow any instructions without a dialogue. These parents feel as if they have to talk their kids into obeying, and children develop the belief that if they don't agree, they don't have to obey. Conversation can be good in some circumstances, but sometimes strong willed children need to just stop resisting and do it your way. Children who argue continually tend to value their own agenda above relationship. Their desires and getting what they want become the most important thing, revealing a heart-deep selfishness that needs to change.
If you find yourself in a pattern of never ending spiral conversations, and your child is becoming more demanding and self-willed in this area, you need to develop a new routine. In a calm moment, have a sit-down meeting with your child and say, "We seem to have a problem when I give you an instruction you don't like. I appreciate your persistence and many of your ideas are good, but when I tell you to do something, that's not the time to argue. This is a heart problem. So from now on, when I ask you to do something, I want you to obey first; then we'l talk about it later. I want to see if you can accept my instructions and cooperate without arguing."
Your job is to teach your child where limits exist in relationships. As an adult, you know when challenging someone crosses the line of insubordination, but strong-willed children often lack the sensitivity to pick up on basic social cues that tell them when they're exceeded appropriate relational boundaries. Frustratingly, they often don't even take notice of the subtle correction cues you give, so you feel like you have to get angry or become blunt, cold, rude, or even mean to get the message across.
You don't have to be mean, but it is often necessary to exaggerate the cues. When a persistent child launches into his arguments, you might typically give a look that communicates, "I've heard enough." A sensitive person would catch that look and stop talking or change the subject. But your child doesn't get it, so you have to make the cues more obvious. Of course, some children see the cues but decide to ignore them. You can raise the awareness level and help children realize that you're not going to follow the same old script. You might say, "Son, I've given you my answer, and I want to be done with this conversation, but I feel like you're a big truck, and I'm being run over. It's time for you to stop trying to change my mind. We're done."
Many parents try to break the will. In fact you've probably heard the parenting proverb that goes like this: Break the will without breaking the spirit. This will only be productive if you have a heart based approach to discipline, because stopping a child's determination forces her to reevaluate her values and priorities. You create a wall to block the child's will; but, at the same time, it's critical to feed the heart with new information and experiences. In this way, the walls you set up redirect a child's heart rather than just create a hurdle for her to overcome.
If behavior modification is the focus, however, determined children learn to get what they want. They discover ways to go through, over, around, or under your wall. It just takes time and a little creativity. The will is a good thing when it is directed by a wise heart, but a foolish heart creates a lot of pain for both the child and the parents.
Monday, March 9, 2009
It Starts in the Heart
Strong-willed children need a solid, inner sense of direction to keep them on the right road. Those who are unmotivated need a passion to help them stay the course. Where does all this come from? It comes from the heart. So, wherever your child fits, you must start with the heart to see lasting change take place.
The disciple Peter was strong willed. He was quick to share his idea about building shelters for Elijah, Moses, and Jesus after the transfiguration (Matt. 17:4) He was the one who wanted to step out on the water to walk toward Jesus during a storm (Matt 14:28). Peter needed a lot of redirection in his early life, but when it was time to pick someone to preach the sermon on Pentecost, Peter was chosen. Jesus was patient as he worked inside Peter's heart to build a man who could do the right thing, even under pressure.
When it came to pleasing his girlfriend, Samson was unmotivated to remain righteous (Judg 16:17) Although physically strong, he didn't have the internal stamina to withstand temptation, and tragedy struck his life. Wen God called Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, he had to coax him along the way. Moses seemed rather unmotivated, content just to live on the backside of the desert. But God had another idea. Moses gave five excuses for not obeying God, and each time God revealed another answer, patiently guiding him to do what he was called to do (Ex 3-4). Over time, Moses became a great leader, but God worked hard to bring him to that point. It took time to build in Moses' heart a confidence that God could handle any problem that might come.
Helping children develop a stronger will or redirecting their already strong will is a challenge in any home. The daily work of family life poses many opportunities to make changes. Instead of just reacting to the needs of the moment, parents would do better to identify the issues of the will and use a heart-based approach. Long range solutions are always heart related. Yes, you have to set limits and hold children accountable; but as you do, keep your focus on the heart. In the end, it's the heart change that your child needs to adequately guide the will.
The disciple Peter was strong willed. He was quick to share his idea about building shelters for Elijah, Moses, and Jesus after the transfiguration (Matt. 17:4) He was the one who wanted to step out on the water to walk toward Jesus during a storm (Matt 14:28). Peter needed a lot of redirection in his early life, but when it was time to pick someone to preach the sermon on Pentecost, Peter was chosen. Jesus was patient as he worked inside Peter's heart to build a man who could do the right thing, even under pressure.
When it came to pleasing his girlfriend, Samson was unmotivated to remain righteous (Judg 16:17) Although physically strong, he didn't have the internal stamina to withstand temptation, and tragedy struck his life. Wen God called Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, he had to coax him along the way. Moses seemed rather unmotivated, content just to live on the backside of the desert. But God had another idea. Moses gave five excuses for not obeying God, and each time God revealed another answer, patiently guiding him to do what he was called to do (Ex 3-4). Over time, Moses became a great leader, but God worked hard to bring him to that point. It took time to build in Moses' heart a confidence that God could handle any problem that might come.
Helping children develop a stronger will or redirecting their already strong will is a challenge in any home. The daily work of family life poses many opportunities to make changes. Instead of just reacting to the needs of the moment, parents would do better to identify the issues of the will and use a heart-based approach. Long range solutions are always heart related. Yes, you have to set limits and hold children accountable; but as you do, keep your focus on the heart. In the end, it's the heart change that your child needs to adequately guide the will.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Strong-Willed Parents
Parents need to develop strong wills. It's not an option. Many Strong-willed kids have weak-willed parents, allowing the children to become more selfish and demanding. Unmotivated children also need strong-willed parents to challenge them to succeed. Kids need parents who are willing to take a stand for what's right, demonstrate leadership, and set firm limits. They need moms and dads who will show them the path and encourage them to stay on it.
Unfortunately, some parents translate this mandate into a justification to rain anger down on their kids. Children need firmness, but don't think firmness is the same as harshness. Many parents confuse the two, but harshness damages relationships. Firmness sets down a boundary and lets children know that if it's crossed, a consequence will follow. Firmness holds a child accountable to take the next steps. Don't use your anger to overpower a strong will or to put a fire under an unmotivated child. It may work for a while, but in the end you'll lose closeness.
Unfortunately, some parents translate this mandate into a justification to rain anger down on their kids. Children need firmness, but don't think firmness is the same as harshness. Many parents confuse the two, but harshness damages relationships. Firmness sets down a boundary and lets children know that if it's crossed, a consequence will follow. Firmness holds a child accountable to take the next steps. Don't use your anger to overpower a strong will or to put a fire under an unmotivated child. It may work for a while, but in the end you'll lose closeness.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The unmotivated child
Unmotivated children are generally passive, cooperative, flexible, easygoing, and accommodating. These children may be easier to get along with because they lack the drive of strong-willed people. Still, even unmotivated children can be strong willed sometimes; it's just not their general tendency.
Marcus is content to let others lead. When his friend George comes over to play, Marcus lets him pick the game and decide when they'll move on to something else. George tells Marcus what to do, and Marcus seems content to follow along. Mom, who's rather strong willed herself, feels uncomfortable with the situation. She wishes Marcus would be the leader. Marcus needs to learn to lead at times, especially if George decides to do something that is wrong, but Mom needs to let Marcus be Marcus. She may need to adjust her expectations, recognizing that her son's personality strengths are different from hers.
Unmotivated children may seem easier to raise, but parents also struggle with these kids at times. They may not have the fortitude to stand up for themselves, withstand temptations, or push hard to complete a task. They're sometimes people-pleasers and may be easily directed in positive or negative ways, depending on who they're with. Interestingly enough, when it comes to defiance, these kids may be just as stubborn as strong willed children.
One day, Marcus decides he doesn't want to play with George anymore. As Mom discusses the issue with Marcus, she discovers his frustration is motivating him to give up. In fact, he does this regularly. If he doesn't get what he wants easily, he moves on to something else. Mom helps Marcus understand he should challenge George sometimes. She begins to equip her son with strategies and ideas and even coaches him to gently stand up for himself while George is over. Once Marcus puts his mom's ideas into practice, the boys play nicely more often, and Marcus has a good time.
In the same way that strong willed children need stronger fences in their lives, unmotivated children often need the brush cleared off their paths of life. Children who tend to give up easily need help to see the path more clearly so they can take the steps necessary for success.
Marcus is content to let others lead. When his friend George comes over to play, Marcus lets him pick the game and decide when they'll move on to something else. George tells Marcus what to do, and Marcus seems content to follow along. Mom, who's rather strong willed herself, feels uncomfortable with the situation. She wishes Marcus would be the leader. Marcus needs to learn to lead at times, especially if George decides to do something that is wrong, but Mom needs to let Marcus be Marcus. She may need to adjust her expectations, recognizing that her son's personality strengths are different from hers.
Unmotivated children may seem easier to raise, but parents also struggle with these kids at times. They may not have the fortitude to stand up for themselves, withstand temptations, or push hard to complete a task. They're sometimes people-pleasers and may be easily directed in positive or negative ways, depending on who they're with. Interestingly enough, when it comes to defiance, these kids may be just as stubborn as strong willed children.
One day, Marcus decides he doesn't want to play with George anymore. As Mom discusses the issue with Marcus, she discovers his frustration is motivating him to give up. In fact, he does this regularly. If he doesn't get what he wants easily, he moves on to something else. Mom helps Marcus understand he should challenge George sometimes. She begins to equip her son with strategies and ideas and even coaches him to gently stand up for himself while George is over. Once Marcus puts his mom's ideas into practice, the boys play nicely more often, and Marcus has a good time.
In the same way that strong willed children need stronger fences in their lives, unmotivated children often need the brush cleared off their paths of life. Children who tend to give up easily need help to see the path more clearly so they can take the steps necessary for success.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Strong Willed Kids
Children who make decisions with intensity tend to be called "strong willed." At the end of the day, their parents feel as if they've been engaged in hand-to-hand combat for hours and the children often win! All children fall somewhere between strong willed and unmotivated, depending on their intensity level about life. Strong-willed kids are generally determined, highly motivated, persistent, and not easily persuaded once they've made up their minds. Most parents consider a strong will a negative personality trait because it often creates resistance and frustration in family life.
Four year old Michael wouldn't stay in bed. Mom had to send him back to bed several times each night. She said "This is torture. Even if I yell and get angry, it doesn't seem to faze him. Nothing I do works. It's not fair. I work with him all day. I ought to get a little relief in the evening before I go to bed myself."
Michael's mom is right that her son should go to bed and not keep getting up. She had to show him that she meant business and was firm.
A strong will keeps a child moving in a certain direction in spite of obstacles. Often these children need bigger barriers or tighter limits to teach them that those boundaries are firm. On the other hand, the strong willed child accomplishes things in life, because the roadblocks that might hold others back are no match for this kid's determination.
Joe, age eleven, found an injured cat in the neighborhood. He felt sorry for the cat and was determined to help it get well. He put the cat in a box, carried it home, and pleaded with Mom to take it to the vet. He fed the animal with an eye dropper and watched it inently for days. Eventually the cat did get well; but only because Joe didn't give up.
Joe's strong will was fed by his heart. He had compassion, valued life, and took on the challenge. His intensity paid off; but even if the cat had died, Joe was doing what he believed was right.
Children with strong wills have the potential to become the next generation of leaders. They have their own ideas and plans. They know what they want. They're persistent, confident, passionate, and determined to succeed at whatever they choose to do. Leaders have an agenda, look for ways to incorporate others into their plans, and have a higher need for control in life. Balanced with graciousness, leaders become a treasure because they make things happen, create organization out of chaos, and motivate people to action.
Unfortunately, it's hard to raise a leader. These kids always have their own ways of doing things and like to tell other people (including their parents) what to do. Many parents of strong-willed children wish their kids were more compliant. Yet, in reality, it's the strong-willed kids who are often better equipped to succeed, be creative, and face adversity.
Of course, a strong-willed child can also be defiant and rebellious. Many prisons are full of strong-willed people. The key, of course, is something deeper than the will. it's the heart. When the heart is in the right place, it guides the will in the right direction.
Four year old Michael wouldn't stay in bed. Mom had to send him back to bed several times each night. She said "This is torture. Even if I yell and get angry, it doesn't seem to faze him. Nothing I do works. It's not fair. I work with him all day. I ought to get a little relief in the evening before I go to bed myself."
Michael's mom is right that her son should go to bed and not keep getting up. She had to show him that she meant business and was firm.
A strong will keeps a child moving in a certain direction in spite of obstacles. Often these children need bigger barriers or tighter limits to teach them that those boundaries are firm. On the other hand, the strong willed child accomplishes things in life, because the roadblocks that might hold others back are no match for this kid's determination.
Joe, age eleven, found an injured cat in the neighborhood. He felt sorry for the cat and was determined to help it get well. He put the cat in a box, carried it home, and pleaded with Mom to take it to the vet. He fed the animal with an eye dropper and watched it inently for days. Eventually the cat did get well; but only because Joe didn't give up.
Joe's strong will was fed by his heart. He had compassion, valued life, and took on the challenge. His intensity paid off; but even if the cat had died, Joe was doing what he believed was right.
Children with strong wills have the potential to become the next generation of leaders. They have their own ideas and plans. They know what they want. They're persistent, confident, passionate, and determined to succeed at whatever they choose to do. Leaders have an agenda, look for ways to incorporate others into their plans, and have a higher need for control in life. Balanced with graciousness, leaders become a treasure because they make things happen, create organization out of chaos, and motivate people to action.
Unfortunately, it's hard to raise a leader. These kids always have their own ways of doing things and like to tell other people (including their parents) what to do. Many parents of strong-willed children wish their kids were more compliant. Yet, in reality, it's the strong-willed kids who are often better equipped to succeed, be creative, and face adversity.
Of course, a strong-willed child can also be defiant and rebellious. Many prisons are full of strong-willed people. The key, of course, is something deeper than the will. it's the heart. When the heart is in the right place, it guides the will in the right direction.
Monday, March 2, 2009
This is a little deep for me
Proverbs 20:5 says, "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters." The implication is that the heart is a hard place to get to at times, complicated to understand, and difficult to adjust.
Extra time and energy are required to make heart connections with our kids. Some parents find this approach daunting. "What do I do about my day to day problems? How do I handle the misbehavior I see now? Changing the heart sounds great, but I have to make sure he gets his homework done tonight."
It's true that sometimes we just have to get through the day. But once you have a heart based approach, your problem solving strategies change. With your new outlook, even day to day discipline has a long range view. Sure, it takes time, but the alternative is scary. Focusing only on behavior often allows children to develop deep heart problems that eventually manifest themselves in tragic ways.
Many parents are lured into believing that if the to do list items are checked off, it was a successful day. Infortunately, if the heart issues aren't addressed, then eventually they create bigger problems than you ever imagined. Teenage rebellion doesn't start at age thirteen; it starts much earlier, in a young child's heart. Sometimes parents are shocked when their teenagers get involved with drugs or sex or get in trouble with the law. But heart issues rarely appear suddenly; they grow over time. Parents who discipline from a heart perspective learn to see and address deeper issues before they turn into bigger problems.
Extra time and energy are required to make heart connections with our kids. Some parents find this approach daunting. "What do I do about my day to day problems? How do I handle the misbehavior I see now? Changing the heart sounds great, but I have to make sure he gets his homework done tonight."
It's true that sometimes we just have to get through the day. But once you have a heart based approach, your problem solving strategies change. With your new outlook, even day to day discipline has a long range view. Sure, it takes time, but the alternative is scary. Focusing only on behavior often allows children to develop deep heart problems that eventually manifest themselves in tragic ways.
Many parents are lured into believing that if the to do list items are checked off, it was a successful day. Infortunately, if the heart issues aren't addressed, then eventually they create bigger problems than you ever imagined. Teenage rebellion doesn't start at age thirteen; it starts much earlier, in a young child's heart. Sometimes parents are shocked when their teenagers get involved with drugs or sex or get in trouble with the law. But heart issues rarely appear suddenly; they grow over time. Parents who discipline from a heart perspective learn to see and address deeper issues before they turn into bigger problems.
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