When a child continually demonstrates resistance to instructions, then it's time to decide whether you need to emphasize relationship more or you need to discipline for a lack of responsiveness.
Sometimes we take our children for granted, order them around, and don't appreciate them enough. The result is children who tend to resist instructions. If that's the case in your family then it's time to show more love and emphasize the value of your relationships together.
On the other hand, some children resist instructions because of poor character. Training is work and some children need to learn how to demonstrate genuine responsiveness when someone wants to talk with them. If you ask your son to come help in the kitchen, and before you finish your instruction he's whining and complaining, then stop the process. You may have to postpone discipline for a time because you need to get the table set in order to stay on schedule, but don't just let it go.
After dinner, talk to your son and confront him about his poor attitude. Explain the importance of cooperation and that you're going to have him help you with dinner every evening for a while. Increasing the workload to give more opportunity to practice may be just the constructive consequence needed to build a cooperative attitude. Kids want life to be easy. The reality is that life is hard. Cooperation is an essential character quality all children need and now’s the time to teach it.
For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, consider the Parenting is Heart Work Training Manuals and CDs. Lesson One outlines a five step Instruction Routine and helps you know how to teach it
Monday, October 26, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
When Giving Instructions, Consider the Timing
An important step in a good instruction routine is to consider timing. Parents who realize that a child needs an instruction must stop and think of the best way to present it. Ask yourself, "How can I communicate this problem to my child in the most effective way?" Pausing for just a moment, or in some cases, waiting a few hours, may prove to be the most productive way to deal with a situation.For instance, it's tempting to greet Jenny when she arrives home from school, "Jenny, you didn't take out the trash this morning and your bedroom's a mess." This kind of ambush focuses more on the issue than on the relationship.
Instead, a dad might say to his daughter, "Hi Jenny, I'm glad you're home" and then engage Jenny in dialogue about her day for a few minutes. After relationship has been reestablished, he could then say, "After you put your books away and get a snack, would you please come and see me? I have a couple of things to talk to you about." In this way Dad is trying to be sensitive to the timing of his instructions.
Considering the timing is a small way of saying, "I love you" to a child even in the midst of the work of family life. You'll want to make different adjustments in this area depending on the age of your child. Young children need to learn obedience, so we may give less warning and expect a prompt response. Older children, and certainly teenagers, need more time to prepare themselves. Teens will need to adjust their own expectations or agendas. This takes some work for the teen and patience for the parent.
For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, consider the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Instead, a dad might say to his daughter, "Hi Jenny, I'm glad you're home" and then engage Jenny in dialogue about her day for a few minutes. After relationship has been reestablished, he could then say, "After you put your books away and get a snack, would you please come and see me? I have a couple of things to talk to you about." In this way Dad is trying to be sensitive to the timing of his instructions.
Considering the timing is a small way of saying, "I love you" to a child even in the midst of the work of family life. You'll want to make different adjustments in this area depending on the age of your child. Young children need to learn obedience, so we may give less warning and expect a prompt response. Older children, and certainly teenagers, need more time to prepare themselves. Teens will need to adjust their own expectations or agendas. This takes some work for the teen and patience for the parent.
For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, consider the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The Gratefulness Principle
Gratitude increases closeness in relationships. As you parent your children, look for opportunities to take advantage of gratefulness to draw closer to your kids. Give your children small gifts of love day after day. Be careful, though, that you don’t confuse the gratefulness principle with the overindulgence trap.
Some parents, wanting their children to like them, recognize giving gifts opens the heart, so they overdo it by giving them too many things. Giving to your kids must be tied into relationship, or the gifts feed selfishness instead of gratefulness.
Overindulgence is giving your children more than their character can handle. When children lack gratitude, then the more you give them, the less they appreciate. Parents must restrain themselves or they’ll exceed their children’s ability to manage the blessings.
Overindulged children rarely become grateful when you give them more things. They grow to be more demanding and selfish. Parents then feel unappreciated and become resentful. The hearts of both parents and children harden toward each other, and closeness becomes a thing of the past.
If your children become overindulged rather than grateful, then pull back on the area where you’re giving too much. Look for creative ways to give differently to your child. Teaching the heart gratefulness can be a challenge. Having a child say thank you is just behavior. Gratefulness comes from the heart.
Monitor your child’s response to gifts of love to determine if you’re growing gratitude or overindulgence. As gratefulness increases, you can slowly give blessings in a way that will produce more gratefulness. You’ll know if you’re moving too quickly by your child’s response.
This tip comes from the book, Parenting is Heart Work by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Some parents, wanting their children to like them, recognize giving gifts opens the heart, so they overdo it by giving them too many things. Giving to your kids must be tied into relationship, or the gifts feed selfishness instead of gratefulness.
Overindulgence is giving your children more than their character can handle. When children lack gratitude, then the more you give them, the less they appreciate. Parents must restrain themselves or they’ll exceed their children’s ability to manage the blessings.
Overindulged children rarely become grateful when you give them more things. They grow to be more demanding and selfish. Parents then feel unappreciated and become resentful. The hearts of both parents and children harden toward each other, and closeness becomes a thing of the past.
If your children become overindulged rather than grateful, then pull back on the area where you’re giving too much. Look for creative ways to give differently to your child. Teaching the heart gratefulness can be a challenge. Having a child say thank you is just behavior. Gratefulness comes from the heart.
Monitor your child’s response to gifts of love to determine if you’re growing gratitude or overindulgence. As gratefulness increases, you can slowly give blessings in a way that will produce more gratefulness. You’ll know if you’re moving too quickly by your child’s response.
This tip comes from the book, Parenting is Heart Work by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Monday, October 12, 2009
You Be the Leader Game
One activity that fosters cooperation in family life is the "You be the Leader" game. This game has three parts. In the first part, choose an activity and someone to lead. The activity might be cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, washing the car, raking the leaves, organizing the playroom, shopping for groceries, or some other household chore. The leader could be Dad or Mom or one of the children. It's best to play this several times and change the leader.
In the second part of the activity the leader leads the family to complete the task. This is often a challenge when a seven-year-old or fifteen-year-old is leading, but that's all part of the lesson. Don't break roles and take over the leadership.
When Dad isn't the leader, he might begin to argue and then catch himself and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. That wasn't honoring." When Mom isn't leading, she may begin to complain in a whiny voice. Actions like these add to the fun and become visual examples of problems that followers experience.
The third part of the game is the most important. Sit down and discuss the experience. Ask questions like, "What did you find difficult about leading?" "What did you find difficult about following?" "Do you prefer to lead or follow?" "Why?" "What makes leading easy?" "What makes following easy?" Use these questions to talk about your specific experience, but also discuss leading and following in general. Be transparent and share some of the struggles you face.
After doing this activity, one mom shared that she would prefer to follow but is often thrown into a leadership role. Dad, on the other hand, would prefer to lead in some situations but he must follow because Mom is regularly involved in that area of family life. The young daughter shared how leading is made more difficult when followers complain or are uncooperative. Dad also talked about being a follower at work. Sometimes he needs to be a helpful participant, and look for opportunities to encourage others to reach their goals.
For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family consider the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
In the second part of the activity the leader leads the family to complete the task. This is often a challenge when a seven-year-old or fifteen-year-old is leading, but that's all part of the lesson. Don't break roles and take over the leadership.
When Dad isn't the leader, he might begin to argue and then catch himself and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. That wasn't honoring." When Mom isn't leading, she may begin to complain in a whiny voice. Actions like these add to the fun and become visual examples of problems that followers experience.
The third part of the game is the most important. Sit down and discuss the experience. Ask questions like, "What did you find difficult about leading?" "What did you find difficult about following?" "Do you prefer to lead or follow?" "Why?" "What makes leading easy?" "What makes following easy?" Use these questions to talk about your specific experience, but also discuss leading and following in general. Be transparent and share some of the struggles you face.
After doing this activity, one mom shared that she would prefer to follow but is often thrown into a leadership role. Dad, on the other hand, would prefer to lead in some situations but he must follow because Mom is regularly involved in that area of family life. The young daughter shared how leading is made more difficult when followers complain or are uncooperative. Dad also talked about being a follower at work. Sometimes he needs to be a helpful participant, and look for opportunities to encourage others to reach their goals.
For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family consider the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Five Causes of Anger
Some parents have a hard time analyzing their anger to get anything positive out of it. A helpful way to uncover what’s behind your anger is to recognize anger’s five basic causes. These five causes overlap at points and you may find that the situation you’re experiencing fits more than one, but this list is often helpful to bring some rationale to feelings. Use these causes to guide your self-reflection when you start to feel angry and then move into a more healthy response.
1. Physical Pain - When a child hits you or you step on a sharp toy, your anger may, in part, be fueled by the physical pain you experience.
2. Blocked Goals - Trying to leave the house by 7:35 am and turning to see that your three-year-old took her shoes off again can lead to anger.
3. Violated Rights - When her five-year-old is knocking on the bathroom door, a mom may feel angry and think, “I have the right to go to the bathroom in peace.” A dad may believe that he has a right to come home and have a few minutes to relax in quiet before taking on family problems
4. Unfairness - When a mom sees a big brother picking on his sister, or a younger child harassing an older one, she may get angry because of the obvious unfairness of the situation. A dad may feel it’s unfair that he has to help bathe the kids after putting in a hard day’s work.
5. Unmet Expectations - A mom might say, “I expected to arrive home from work to cook dinner, but instead I come home to this mess!” Unmet expectations seem to go along with the job of parenting but often result in angry feelings.
Discovering what is causing your angry feelings will often help you see where your child needs to grow or change, giving you more insight into how to discipline most effectively. Understanding the five causes of anger can help you as you relate to your family.
Each time you feel angry, stop for a minute and try to identify which of these is the cause. Putting a label on your feelings may help you redirect some of that energy to a more productive response. You may begin to see patterns in yourself and identify one particular cause that is more common for you. This observation can help you know how to adjust your reaction.
This tip was taken from the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
1. Physical Pain - When a child hits you or you step on a sharp toy, your anger may, in part, be fueled by the physical pain you experience.
2. Blocked Goals - Trying to leave the house by 7:35 am and turning to see that your three-year-old took her shoes off again can lead to anger.
3. Violated Rights - When her five-year-old is knocking on the bathroom door, a mom may feel angry and think, “I have the right to go to the bathroom in peace.” A dad may believe that he has a right to come home and have a few minutes to relax in quiet before taking on family problems
4. Unfairness - When a mom sees a big brother picking on his sister, or a younger child harassing an older one, she may get angry because of the obvious unfairness of the situation. A dad may feel it’s unfair that he has to help bathe the kids after putting in a hard day’s work.
5. Unmet Expectations - A mom might say, “I expected to arrive home from work to cook dinner, but instead I come home to this mess!” Unmet expectations seem to go along with the job of parenting but often result in angry feelings.
Discovering what is causing your angry feelings will often help you see where your child needs to grow or change, giving you more insight into how to discipline most effectively. Understanding the five causes of anger can help you as you relate to your family.
Each time you feel angry, stop for a minute and try to identify which of these is the cause. Putting a label on your feelings may help you redirect some of that energy to a more productive response. You may begin to see patterns in yourself and identify one particular cause that is more common for you. This observation can help you know how to adjust your reaction.
This tip was taken from the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
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