Teens Need Relationship

Getting physically close to your child is important when giving instructions, especially with teenagers. Teens need relationship whether they'll admit it or not. In fact, the stronger the relationship, the less likely you'll get resistance.

Sometimes young people resent having to share in the workload of running a household. You might hear them say something like, "My parents are always ordering me around. It's like I'm their slave." Of course that's not true, but when parents take time to show value for the relationship before giving instructions, they can build a greater sense of teamwork.

When teens can't see how instruction is related to relationship, they’re more likely to justify unkind words or dishonoring actions when they don't like what you've told them to do. They don't understand that obedience is a demonstration of love. Getting physically close makes a statement about who we are together. Face-to-face contact says, "I care about you."

By affirming your relationship in the midst of the instruction, you teach your children an important lesson about the way God relates to us. Spirituality isn't just a list of do's and don'ts, but it comes within the confines of relationship.

Alex, a father of three said it well, "I had a picture in my mind of a Father who yells instructions down from heaven. Distance and harshness characterized my view of God. It wasn't until I became a dad and I remembered how my parents treated me that I began to see the connection. I was viewing God from what I had learned in my family growing up. I work hard now to give instructions in a more relational manner. It's amazing how something as simple as giving and receiving instructions can give you a perspective of who God is and how he relates to us."

For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, order the book, "Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids." To learn more about relating to teens, consider “Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, in You and Your Kids." Both of these books are authored by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Building Relationship Makes Kids More Responsive

Many parents see a problem and start giving instructions immediately. This often means that they yell across the parking lot or bark commands from the other side of the house. We believe this approach isn't the best. It's not enough to see the need and tell someone to respond to it. That approach doesn't demonstrate value for the relationship. Parenting isn't just about getting tasks done; it's about building relationships at the same time.

Start by getting close to your child. Most of the time this means that before you give an instruction you call your child over to you. This presents a problem in many young families because preschoolers often don't come when they're called. The fact is, even older children don't come when they're called unless they are taught to do so.

Take time to teach your children how to come when you call them. It takes practice but it's well worth the work. Parents often ask, "What do I do in the grocery store when I call my preschooler and he runs away?" Well, the grocery store isn't the place to practice. That's the final exam! By practicing over and over at home and at the park, children are then able to respond in public.

Like every step in a good instruction routine, getting close to each other requires changes from both child and parent. Children also find it tempting to yell across the house. Now children learn that dialogue only takes place when relationship has been established through eye contact and being physically close together. Sometimes it's the small things that demonstrate that a parent cares or that a child is willing to listen. Putting down the paper, looking up from the computer, or just turning to face your child before you speak communicates the importance of what you are about to say.

Some parents report major improvement in a child's responsiveness when they just implement this step and give instructions only when the child is within a few feet. Sometimes that little nonverbal statement about your relationship is all that's needed to gain a more cooperative attitude from your child.

And what if that doesn't work? Well, it's only the first step. Four more steps are yet to come and you can read about them in the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Learning from Natural Consequences

Sometimes the best way to help a child is by doing nothing and staying out of the way, allowing a natural consequence to provide the teaching. You’ve probably learned a number of things through natural consequences. Maybe more than you’d like to admit.
- save your sales receipt so you’ll have it if you need to return what you bought
- buy gas when your tank is on “E” even if you’re late for work
- don’t forget to water your plants
- don’t wash your husband’s red sweatshirt with his white underwear

Natural consequences allow life to provide its own lesson without outside intervention. When a parent intentionally stays out of a problem and makes little or no comment, the child has an opportunity to learn from life.

In the Bible, Peter was allowed to experience a natural consequence of lack of faith when he stepped out of the boat in Matthew 14. After he began to sink, however, Jesus was there to help him. Jesus also allowed Peter to make the mistake of denying him three times. No lectures or rebukes were needed; just a look from the master’s eyes and Peter was overcome with remorse. Many times in the gospels, Jesus allowed life to be the teacher and he took on the role of counselor or coach.

Natural consequences often happen if we, as parents, learn to keep quiet. The four-year-old who goes out to play on a hot day wearing a turtleneck learns by experience. The six-year-old who chooses to skip snack because she wants to continue her game may feel the pain later. The ten-year-old who spends all his money on one thing may wish he had not done so. Each of these experiences can be a learning opportunity if the parent responds wisely.

The question then is how are we going to respond? These may be tempting opportunities for parents to condemn, lecture, or put down a child. When you identify these situations in life, they are excellent opportunities to come alongside, express empathy, and help a child learn problem-solving skills.

This idea was taken from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Teaching Children to Affirm in Conversation

Many children don't know how to listen without thinking about the next thing they want to say. Or if they do listen, they make statements like, "I know," or "I can do it better than that." Instead, teach children to affirm others in conversation. It's part of learning what it means to be a servant. Listening can be hard work. It requires that children think of the other person, not just of themselves.

Children can say, "I agree" or "You're right." Instead of launching into their own version of the story, teach them to encourage the other person first. "That must have been exciting," or "You saw a fun thing." Good responses in conversation are "Oh," "That's interesting," or to ask a question. Conversation can be self-serving or others-serving.

If your children continually talk and rarely listen, encourage them to affirm the last thing you said before they begin talking. Affirming others' speech is a skill that children will use forever and it helps them address a little of their own selfishness now. Furthermore, it makes conversations with children more pleasant and enjoyable.

This tip comes from the chapter on teaching siblings to honor in the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

The Funny Side of Parenting

If you're a grandparent, we're sure you'll appreciate these quotes:

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars worth of pleasure.
and…
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.

~Gene Perret

Use Generosity to Teach Honor

Honor means treating people as special, doing more than what's expected, and having a good attitude. We work hard to develop honor in family life and are continually looking for new ways to teach it.

One helpful way to teach honor is to be generous as a family. Generosity opens our hearts as well as the hearts of the people who receive from us. Giving doesn't just focus on money. In fact, money is one of the easier things to give. A harder gift is that of time, attention, loyalty, or commitment to others.

Giving can be exciting. Planning the surprise, delivering it, watching the person's response, and enjoying the personal satisfaction of giving all add joy to family life. When a family works together to be generous, something happens in the members who participate. They feel a sense of teamwork. They enjoy the satisfaction of giving, not just individually, but the good sense of family pride.

Giving is fun and doing it in secret can make it even more exciting. Be on the lookout for honor opportunities for your family. Sometimes families will plan an anonymous gift. Hannah, age thirteen, reported that she overheard Mrs. Robertson talk about losing all her encyclopedias when her basement flooded. Knowing that the Robertson family didn't have a lot of money, Hannah's family decided to replace them. They went to several libraries asking for a used set. They paid a small price for a set that was newer than the one Mrs. Robertson had lost. They decided to give the set anonymously, which meant more planning and careful strategy.

Seeing a need and meeting it through an anonymous gift became a meaningful experience for Hannah's family. In fact, Hannah herself saw that her own observation contributed to the family's decision.

This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Envision a Positive Future

Take a few minutes and imagine what your children will be like as adults. Some parents have immediate thoughts of terror and doom, but instead, look at the good qualities your children have and imagine how those qualities will benefit them later in life. Then share those observations with your children.

Envisioning a positive future looks beyond the day-to-day discipline and says, "I see qualities in you that are going to make you successful." Statements like, "With that kind of thoughtfulness you're going to make a great husband." Or "Your thoroughness is going to make you a valuable employee someday." When parents learn to view their children this way, they look past the daily grind of parenting to what their children are becoming. What is my child good at? What do I see now that will bring success as my child grows?

We've probably all heard the statement that children believe what we say about them. If a parent tells a child he'll never amount to anything, he's likely to incorporate that into his belief about himself and it may end up becoming true. We can take that same principle and teach our children to see the good in themselves, the specific ways that God has blessed them.

Interestingly enough, giving our children a positive vision for the future encourages them to live up to it now. The qualities we focus on end up being the ones they see in themselves and develop.

Envisioning a positive future gives our children hope and direction. It says, "You're going to make it." "I believe in you." It's a way to honor our children. Like giving them a gift that will last a lifetime, a hopeful way of looking at themselves and their life.

After all God does this for us on a regular basis. Verses like Philippians 1:6 give us hope to live now to the fullest. "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.