Christmas, A Time to teach Generosity

Christmas is a highlight in the life of most children, but much of the benefit is focused on what they get. Of course one of the blessings of Christmas is giving, so look for ways to teach children generosity this year. Here are some ideas:

Involve kids in your gift giving strategy or help them develop their own. Planning, shopping, and wrapping can each provide ways for children to think about blessing others.

Anticipate with your children the delight others will experience when the gifts are opened. Help your child enjoy the fun others will have when receiving gifts.

Ask children the question: "What are you doing this year to make Christmas special for others?" This question alone can help teens think of others instead of just themselves. A short discussion can help move kids from selfish tendencies to generosity.

And most importantly, remind children of the generosity of God by sending us a special gift in his son.

Christmas: A time for Make-Believe?

What will your family do with Santa Claus, reindeer, elves, and a sleigh? Will you make them part of your Christmas tradition or not?

Some families choose to make this one of those examples of ways that we, as Christians, are different from the world and we celebrate the true meaning of Christmas instead of the secular version.

Other families weave the fun of these traditions into their family life, but emphasize to children the tru meaning of Christmas.

If you choose to make Santa a part of your Christmas tradition, be sure to teach children the difference between make-believe and reality. You might say, "Santa isn't real but we like to play the Santa game at Christmas."

Some children who come to this shocking discovery that Santa isn't real, question whether their parents are telling them the truth in other areas of life. Some even think, "Is Jesus real? Or is he another thing my parents made up for me?"

Christmas traditions can be a lot of fun. Just be careful what you're teaching and how children are putting it all together in their heads. And be sure to remind your children often about the tru meaning of Christmas.

Thanksgiving Break

I'm taking a little break from blogging through the Thanksgiving Week. I'll get back on here on Monday.

Have a great Thanksgiving.

Be Careful with Triangles

Triangles in relationships happen often in family life. Conflict between two people can become an invitation for another person to join in. If parents aren't careful, and create triangles inappropriately, people get hurt. But if triangles are used properly, they become great opportunities for healing and learning. Here are some examples to watch out for:

- A child who is unhappy with Dad's discipline may go to Mom and try to get her to overrule a decision.
- A dad may criticize the way Mom is handling a situation.
- A child may go to Dad with a proposal to get around Mom's instructions.
- A teen may get angry with Mom for the way she's treating his brother.
- One child may tattle on another.

Each of these situations represents an opportunity. Some advice suggests that triangles are always wrong and warn not to get involved. We don't believe that's the answer. Rather we suggest you triangle in as a counselor or coach instead of a critic.

When you decide to triangle into a relationship, be careful. You may be right, but being right is not enough. You also need to be wise. Be careful about taking sides and creating more division in the strained relationship. Instead, look for ways to bring healing.

The key is to focus on the issues of the person who comes to you. When Billy tattles on his brother by saying, "mom, Sam left the light on again," take time to talk to Billy about how he should handle the situation. Maybe the right thing is for Billy to go turn it off. Your role in the situation is important because you work with the problem from the perspective of the person who comes to you. Invariably, that person needs help and guidance to know how to respond to the challenge.

Triangles are opportunities for people to learn and grow. Identify them and take advantage of them, but be careful not to get sucked into the conflict in unhealthy ways.

A Lesson in Honor

Honor changes kids, but sometimes it's hard to communicate its importance to children. One way that you can teach honor is by modeling it as you extend hospitality to others.

We live in a compartmentalized society. Many of the entertainment options today decrease interaction between people and have them feeling lonely. It's an honor to be invited over for dinner or for an evening of games and activities.

Opening your home is an excellent way to extend grace and honor to others and it's good for your kids. Talk with your children about who you're going to invite and why. Plan the evening together and talk about how you'll treat your guests as special. Afterwards, talk about how things went and emphasize the positive things that happened and how you all worked together to show honor to others.

1 Peter 4:9 gives an interesting command to believers. "Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling." Use that verse before, during, and after to help your children understand the benefits of honoring others.

So, who can you invite over this week? Not only will you bless others, but also you'll be blessed yourself. And your kids are always watching and learning.

For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family consider the book "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, in You and Your kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Servant for the Day

Children often compete with each other in order to be first or best. This tendency on the part of children comes from selfishness, a major roadblock to sibling harmony. The solution is to learn how to be a servant, but how do you convince a five-year-old or a twelve-year-old that being a servant is a valuable thing?

As parents we have to look for positive ways to frame the maturity issues that we know are best, but seem unreasonable to our children. In this case, you might try having a "servant for the Day." This child not only sets the table and takes out the trash but also gets some extra "Mommy time," helps with dinner, and sits next to Dad during story time. Throughout the course of the day, Mom has an opportunity to talk about more subtle aspects of servanthood that involve how children talk, listen, and even think.

Take time to praise demonstrations of servanthood. One child may not get the first turn or the biggest piece, but he gets the praise of Mom for being the mature one. That's a far more valuable reward.

Teaching children to be servants will promote harmony in your family. Becoming a servant will help children deal with the continual desire to build themselves up while putting others down. Learning servanthood is a way to honor others in the family and it brings honor back as well.

Who demonstrated servanthood recently in your family? How can you point that out and encourage it today?

Recognizing Foolishness

One of the greatest sources of sibling conflict is foolishness. Children often don't recognize the future consequences of their present actions. Billy trips his younger sister. Karen teases her brother until he cries. Martin takes his sister's CD player and uses up the batteries. All of these are examples of children not anticipating the consequences of their actions.

One of the ways that you can recognize foolishness is to listen to flags. Excuses like, "I was just kidding" or "I didn't mean it" or "I was just playing around" or "I didn't do anything wrong" are all cues that a child is not taking responsibility for foolish behavior. Children often evaluate life in terms of black and white and when they do something foolish the behavior may not have been wrong. These children don't recongnize that a good behavior can sometimes be wrong because it leads to something bad.

The first solution is to help children learn to take responsibility for their part of the problem. This is hard for many children who view mistakes as a sign of weakness. Help children take responsibility for foolishness and you will go a long way to teach them about wisdom.

You might ask, "What could you have done differently to aviod this problem?" This question helps children look at an offense a little differently. Instead of evaluating it based on right or wrong, now the behavior is judged based on its foresight and wisdom.

Of course the solution for foolishness is to help children learn wisdom. You want to help them anticipate the consequences of their actions. Tell stories of people who didn't see what was coming. And of course pray with your children because God says in James 1:5, "If you lack wisdom, ask God."

For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family consider the book "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, in You and Your Kids." by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Teach Kids to Make Wise Decisions

Look for ways to coach your children to make their own decisions or to think about how decisions need to be made. You may even want to encourage cooperative decision making when a child comes to ask for something.

Cooperative decision-making teaches children valuable skills of negotiation, compromise, communication, and creating alternatives. Mutual honor is demonstrated in the midst of cooperation.

How might you respond to this question: "Mom, will you take me to the store right now?"

Would you say, "no, I'm busy" or "Okay, let's go"? Those might be simple answers to the request but why not turn this into a cooperative learning experience about how we make such decisions.

Try saying, "Why don't you tell me more. I'm working on something right now. Let's work this out together."

Sometimes we make the error of emphasizing parental authority and other times we simply try to please our children. Neither is wrong but we might miss a valuable teaching opportunity.

Problem solving and decision-making become the garden where honor flourishes because children learn that the process is just as important as the end result. You can help children consider the ramifications of a particular decision. You might ask, "How will your brother feel if you do that?" Or, "I'm wondering how your friend feels when you eat a cookie in front of him."

Every problem we solve and decision we make has potential to show honor. Don't just tell kids what to do- ask questions. Sometimes there's nothing actualy wrong with our decisions, but can we be more honoring? Great lessons are taught through coperative decision-making.

For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family consider the book "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, in You and Your Kids" by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

A Practical Way to Teach Responsibility

Some children can't seem to do anything without getting distracted. One mom, Heather, said "When I tell my five-year-old son, James, to go get his shoes on because we've got to leave, he doesn't come back. When I go look, I find him sitting on the floor playing with his cars. And it's not just his shoes. Whenever I tell him to do something he gets sidetracked. I have to yell at him continually to get anything done."

Heather needs to use her frustation to identify the cause of the problem. James is easily distracted, but the deeper issue has to do with irresponsibility. Yes, he is only five years old, but James needs to learn to follow through with a job his mom gives him. This is the beginning of responsibility training.

Most children don't naturally feel an internal weight of responsibility. You can help develop it by watching your kids accomplish assignments and waiting for them to report back. Heather may say, "James, we've got to go so please get your shoes and bring them back to me. I'm going to wait right here in the doorway for you to report back."

As you wait, watch for distration. At first James may need very close monitoring but as he realizes that he needs to report back and that Mom hasn't forgotten about the job, he will feel the pressure to accomplish the task. Children who need constant reminders lack the character quality of responsibility. They need closer supervision, smaller tasks, and more frequent times of checking in.

Even older children sometimes have a problem with irresponsibility. Yelling isn't necessary- more accountability is. It takes more work to wait or watch, but your investment now will give your children a valuable gift. Responsibility is the ability to complete a task even when no one is watching.

Responsibility training happens in a good instruction process. In Matthew 25, Jesus told a parable about three stewards who were given talents and the responsibility to invest them. Two of the stewards were faithful; one was not. God wants us to be faithful stewards and the roots of faithfulness are taught to children as you teach them to follow directions and report back.

For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, read the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN

When Children Resist Instructions

When a child continually demonstrates resistance to instructions, then it's time to decide whether you need to emphasize relationship more or you need to discipline for a lack of responsiveness.

Sometimes we take our children for granted, order them around, and don't appreciate them enough. The result is children who tend to resist instructions. If that's the case in your family then it's time to show more love and emphasize the value of your relationships together.

On the other hand, some children resist instructions because of poor character. Training is work and some children need to learn how to demonstrate genuine responsiveness when someone wants to talk with them. If you ask your son to come help in the kitchen, and before you finish your instruction he's whining and complaining, then stop the process. You may have to postpone discipline for a time because you need to get the table set in order to stay on schedule, but don't just let it go.

After dinner, talk to your son and confront him about his poor attitude. Explain the importance of cooperation and that you're going to have him help you with dinner every evening for a while. Increasing the workload to give more opportunity to practice may be just the constructive consequence needed to build a cooperative attitude. Kids want life to be easy. The reality is that life is hard. Cooperation is an essential character quality all children need and now’s the time to teach it.

For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, consider the Parenting is Heart Work Training Manuals and CDs. Lesson One outlines a five step Instruction Routine and helps you know how to teach it

When Giving Instructions, Consider the Timing

An important step in a good instruction routine is to consider timing. Parents who realize that a child needs an instruction must stop and think of the best way to present it. Ask yourself, "How can I communicate this problem to my child in the most effective way?" Pausing for just a moment, or in some cases, waiting a few hours, may prove to be the most productive way to deal with a situation.For instance, it's tempting to greet Jenny when she arrives home from school, "Jenny, you didn't take out the trash this morning and your bedroom's a mess." This kind of ambush focuses more on the issue than on the relationship.

Instead, a dad might say to his daughter, "Hi Jenny, I'm glad you're home" and then engage Jenny in dialogue about her day for a few minutes. After relationship has been reestablished, he could then say, "After you put your books away and get a snack, would you please come and see me? I have a couple of things to talk to you about." In this way Dad is trying to be sensitive to the timing of his instructions.

Considering the timing is a small way of saying, "I love you" to a child even in the midst of the work of family life. You'll want to make different adjustments in this area depending on the age of your child. Young children need to learn obedience, so we may give less warning and expect a prompt response. Older children, and certainly teenagers, need more time to prepare themselves. Teens will need to adjust their own expectations or agendas. This takes some work for the teen and patience for the parent.

For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, consider the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

The Gratefulness Principle

Gratitude increases closeness in relationships. As you parent your children, look for opportunities to take advantage of gratefulness to draw closer to your kids. Give your children small gifts of love day after day. Be careful, though, that you don’t confuse the gratefulness principle with the overindulgence trap.

Some parents, wanting their children to like them, recognize giving gifts opens the heart, so they overdo it by giving them too many things. Giving to your kids must be tied into relationship, or the gifts feed selfishness instead of gratefulness.

Overindulgence is giving your children more than their character can handle. When children lack gratitude, then the more you give them, the less they appreciate. Parents must restrain themselves or they’ll exceed their children’s ability to manage the blessings.

Overindulged children rarely become grateful when you give them more things. They grow to be more demanding and selfish. Parents then feel unappreciated and become resentful. The hearts of both parents and children harden toward each other, and closeness becomes a thing of the past.

If your children become overindulged rather than grateful, then pull back on the area where you’re giving too much. Look for creative ways to give differently to your child. Teaching the heart gratefulness can be a challenge. Having a child say thank you is just behavior. Gratefulness comes from the heart.

Monitor your child’s response to gifts of love to determine if you’re growing gratitude or overindulgence. As gratefulness increases, you can slowly give blessings in a way that will produce more gratefulness. You’ll know if you’re moving too quickly by your child’s response.

This tip comes from the book, Parenting is Heart Work by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

You Be the Leader Game

One activity that fosters cooperation in family life is the "You be the Leader" game. This game has three parts. In the first part, choose an activity and someone to lead. The activity might be cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, washing the car, raking the leaves, organizing the playroom, shopping for groceries, or some other household chore. The leader could be Dad or Mom or one of the children. It's best to play this several times and change the leader.

In the second part of the activity the leader leads the family to complete the task. This is often a challenge when a seven-year-old or fifteen-year-old is leading, but that's all part of the lesson. Don't break roles and take over the leadership.

When Dad isn't the leader, he might begin to argue and then catch himself and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. That wasn't honoring." When Mom isn't leading, she may begin to complain in a whiny voice. Actions like these add to the fun and become visual examples of problems that followers experience.

The third part of the game is the most important. Sit down and discuss the experience. Ask questions like, "What did you find difficult about leading?" "What did you find difficult about following?" "Do you prefer to lead or follow?" "Why?" "What makes leading easy?" "What makes following easy?" Use these questions to talk about your specific experience, but also discuss leading and following in general. Be transparent and share some of the struggles you face.

After doing this activity, one mom shared that she would prefer to follow but is often thrown into a leadership role. Dad, on the other hand, would prefer to lead in some situations but he must follow because Mom is regularly involved in that area of family life. The young daughter shared how leading is made more difficult when followers complain or are uncooperative. Dad also talked about being a follower at work. Sometimes he needs to be a helpful participant, and look for opportunities to encourage others to reach their goals.

For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family consider the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Five Causes of Anger

Some parents have a hard time analyzing their anger to get anything positive out of it. A helpful way to uncover what’s behind your anger is to recognize anger’s five basic causes. These five causes overlap at points and you may find that the situation you’re experiencing fits more than one, but this list is often helpful to bring some rationale to feelings. Use these causes to guide your self-reflection when you start to feel angry and then move into a more healthy response.

1. Physical Pain - When a child hits you or you step on a sharp toy, your anger may, in part, be fueled by the physical pain you experience.

2. Blocked Goals - Trying to leave the house by 7:35 am and turning to see that your three-year-old took her shoes off again can lead to anger.

3. Violated Rights - When her five-year-old is knocking on the bathroom door, a mom may feel angry and think, “I have the right to go to the bathroom in peace.” A dad may believe that he has a right to come home and have a few minutes to relax in quiet before taking on family problems

4. Unfairness - When a mom sees a big brother picking on his sister, or a younger child harassing an older one, she may get angry because of the obvious unfairness of the situation. A dad may feel it’s unfair that he has to help bathe the kids after putting in a hard day’s work.

5. Unmet Expectations - A mom might say, “I expected to arrive home from work to cook dinner, but instead I come home to this mess!” Unmet expectations seem to go along with the job of parenting but often result in angry feelings.

Discovering what is causing your angry feelings will often help you see where your child needs to grow or change, giving you more insight into how to discipline most effectively. Understanding the five causes of anger can help you as you relate to your family.

Each time you feel angry, stop for a minute and try to identify which of these is the cause. Putting a label on your feelings may help you redirect some of that energy to a more productive response. You may begin to see patterns in yourself and identify one particular cause that is more common for you. This observation can help you know how to adjust your reaction.

This tip was taken from the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Learn to Recognize Emotional Signals

The minor emotional signals you experience many times a day can help you know when and how to discipline your children. This takes some work and you may need to spend time educating yourself on the emotional signals you're already receiving.

Imagine a car's control panel with many little lights. They flash occasionally, sometimes even intensely. With experience you begin to learn about all those lights and what they mean. One indicates that the oil pressure is low, another reveals that the trunk is open. Yet another tells you that it's time to take the car in for maintenance. Emotions are like those little lights. It takes time to understand what they mean and how to respond rightly to them. When you become more in touch with the emotional signals in relationships and are more sensitive to others then you can begin to respond in healthier ways.

Hundreds of times a day, you make decisions about life. You'd be surprised at how many times it's a minor emotional signal that gets you started. A salesman knows just the right time to close the deal. A husband is amazed at his wife's perceptiveness to sense a problem in their son. A teacher decides to let the class take a stretch break. If you ask those people how they knew how to respond to a situation, they may not be able to articulate what it was that gave them the clue. They just felt as if it was the right thing to do.

If you analyze all of the above situations, you will discover that each involved specific objective signals that don't have to do with emotions. People relied on details that they saw, heard, or remembered. However, those cues trigger emotional responses, not intellectual reason. Salesmen, teachers, and parents often learn to look for signals and clues in others in the form of expressions or behavior. But some of the best skill comes from an emotional sense that this is the right response for the current situation.

Considering emotional cues may seem contradictory to what you've heard in the past. We've all been warned, "Be careful about making decisions based on emotions." That's good advice, especially as you're growing in your experience, because emotions can give unclear signals about life situations. It would be unwise to leave the house messy just because you don't feel like cleaning it, or confront someone just because he made you mad. That's not what we're talking about here.

When a decision is very important it's essential to base it on more than a hunch or an emotional cue, but you'd be surprised how anger can become an asset in your parenting if you learn to keep it in check and understand what it is telling you.

To learn more about emotions and parenting, take a look at the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Correction's First Step

When you need to correct your child, start with calm words, avoiding threats or harshness. If children can respond to words then no further consequence is necessary. After all, that’s the mature way to handle conflict and mistakes. When a boss sees an employee doing something wrong, the best thing is to start with words of correction. If that doesn’t work, the boss may have to bring in some other kind of consequence.

You're teaching your child something very important when you start the correction process with words. You might even say to your child, "If words work, then that’s all we need. If you don’t respond to my words, then we’ll have to go to the next step.” Whether you’re working with a preschooler jumping on the couch or a sixteen-year-old coming in past curfew, the principle is the same—start with words of correction.

We’re not suggesting that every time there’s an offense, you have a dialogue. If your son hits and you’ve already talked about hitting, then you can just proceed to the next step. What you’re trying to do, however, is train your children to eventually receive correction through words without needing a further consequence.

Although your kids may need more than words at first, over time you’re moving them in the direction they should go in order to listen to God. It’s always best to respond to the whispers of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. But when we don’t listen, he’ll use other ways to get our attention. As parents, we don’t like to go further, but we will if we have to. Children need to see that their responsiveness or resistance determines the extent of the correction.

For more on how to build a good Correction Routine with your children, consider the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

The Value of Training

Every day you're training your children to become healthy responsible adults. Is it okay to get up and walk away in the middle of a meal? Is it acceptable to leave the table without helping to clean it up? Is it all right to eat without saying thank you to the one who prepared the meal? How will kids learn what's appropriate if you don't train them?

Unfortunately, as parents we get upset when our children need lots of correction or when they can't seem to change right away. It is true that some problems our children have take longer to overcome than others. Our response as parents is important, though. Our exasperation can damage the relationship. Firmness is important but the harshness can do more harm than good.

Kids make mistakes. Whether the errors are deliberate or accidental, children need a godly way to think in order to get back on track. Identify an issue you wish would change in one of your children. It might be arguing whenever you give an instruction or complaining when life doesn't go just right. Break the problem down and think of the alternatives you wish your child could do or think.

Talk about healthy alternatives and look for positive ways to motivate your child to maturity. You may have to use consequences to motivate change but don't neglect the potential of teaching new patterns of thinking, developing new skills, and giving children a vision for doing what's right.

Most of all, be patient. Training takes time and implies lots of work. You're a coach and your children are in training. Give your kids a vision for living life on a different level and they will grow into some great relating patterns.

This idea was taken from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Teaching Kids to Pray

Written by Marcia McQuitty

In a daily newspaper column, Dr. Billy Graham received the following question from a seven-year-old boy. “Will God hear my prayers, or does He just hear my parents’ prayers?” This question reminds us of the importance of teaching the children which God has given to us clearly, intentionally, and knowledgeably in the areas of spiritual discipline.

WHY teach preschoolers and children to pray?

Jesus clearly taught His disciples that children were important to Him and that they could be taught spiritual truths. In the Gospel of Mark we read: “Some people were bringing little children to Him so He might touch them, but His disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw it, He was indignant and said to them, ‘Let the children come to Me. Don’t stop them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these’… After taking them in His arms, He laid His hands on them and blessed them” (Mark 10:13-17). Jesus welcomed the parents and the children they were bringing to Him. By taking time for the children, Jesus showed the parents and the disciples that children are valuable and worthy of our time, relationships, and instruction.

Preschoolers and children can and will learn about prayer and how to pray if they have significant adults in their lives who are willing to teach them. In the Old Testament the child Samuel was a gift from God to a praying mother. As a result of this answered prayer, Samuel was taken to the temple to be taught by Eli the priest. God spoke to Samuel at a very young age and gave him a message to give to Eli, a man who had not always been obedient to the Lord. Eli said to Samuel, “What was the message He gave you? Don’t hide it from me.” Samuel gave God’s message to Eli, and Samuel grew and the Lord was with him. (1 Samuel 3:17-19) From this passage we see the value and importance God placed on one small boy.

HOW early can we teach preschoolers and children to pray?

When a child is born, there exists a potential for the child to have a relationship with his Creator. From birth the child develops physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, and spiritually. Significant adults need to nurture the spiritual development of preschoolers by teaching them that prayer is a way to talk to the God who created them.

We can teach the very young child about prayer by using appropriate language. In their presence we can thank God for their very lives, the provisions of life, the Bible as a gift to us from God, and the people placed in our families and church. “Thank You, God” should be the first prayer taught to the developing child. As the child grows, the prayers can be expanded to include more relationships and content. Older children can be introduced to more developmentally appropriate ways of learning about prayer and how to pray.

WHAT are developmentally appropriate ways to teach prayer?

We teach preschoolers and children to pray by modeling and intentional instruction. Sometimes modeling is done without intentional instruction but often they are linked together. When a professor of missions at Southwestern Seminary grew up in a very poor family, he was asked by his mother to go to the nearby store and purchase food. When given the list and some money, he asked his mother if he could have money for shoes because he did not have any to wear. She replied by saying, “Let’s pray.” They knelt together by a chair, and she asked God for money to buy him shoes. When he got to the store, the man who helped him asked him why he was not wearing any shoes and he replied, “Because there’s no money for shoes.” The man filled the grocery list and also gave him a note for his mother along with money for shoes. That afternoon they went to purchase the shoes and when asked by friends where the shoes had come from, the young boy proudly answered, “From the Lord!” Years have passed and this professor still remembers the need for shoes, the prayer of his mother, and the provision of the Lord.
We teach preschoolers and children to pray by making prayer a part of each teaching opportunity at church. On Sunday mornings, I teach a wonderful class of kindergartners. At the close of each large group time, I ask the children if they would like to pray aloud. Sometimes I begin the time of prayer with simple explanations about prayer, why we pray, what kinds of prayers we pray, and how God loves to hear and answer our prayers.

We can teach preschoolers and children to pray by using our Southern Baptist missions education material which provides inspiring stories about missionaries and the work they are doing around the world. We need to use prayer calendars, maps, pictures, etc., to help the children we teach see the people around the world who need our specific prayers. The International Mission Board and North American Mission Board Web sites can give you specific prayer needs of missionaries.

We can teach older children to pray by using developmentally appropriate learning activities like the following:

Keep a personal prayer journal with prayer requests and answered prayer.

Read and collect a list of Bible verses and Bible stories about prayer.

Make prayer chains and other prayer reminders to keep at home.

Go on prayer walks in the neighborhoods and around the church.

Hear the testimonies of other Christians who have prayed specific prayers that were answered by God.

As we teach preschoolers and children, we must keep the big picture in our minds and hearts. What the Lord said to the prophet Jeremiah is also true today. “‘For I know the plans I have for you’—[this is] the LORD’s declaration—‘plans for [your] welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. You will call to Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart’” (Jeremiah 29:11-13). Research and experience tell us that what we teach and model for preschoolers and children will last a life time.

In order to prepare our children to live for Christ in the world today, we need to equip them with the wisdom and power to be found in prayer. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6). Jesus is not only a friend to our children but He wants to be their constant companion as they travel the road to adulthood…and learn to pray!

Parenting Lessons I've Learned Lately

Well, my boy is about to turn 2 on Friday and thought it might be good to get a bit of input on the topic of parenting so I have been doing some thinking. While much of it so far has been more reinforcing what we’re already doing by instinct – it’s also been helpful to be given frameworks for some of the concepts.

While much of it is common sense in some regards being given language to describe the ideas gives us some more techniques to try.

A few of these techniques that I’ve enjoyed:

Escalation Trap – most parents have experienced it. It’s a pattern whereby you as a parent only seem to get your child to do anything by escalating your efforts to get their attention – ie shouting, screaming, threats and craziness. The child also uses the same technique to get what they want – (tantrums). When this pattern takes over a family things can get pretty crazy as everyone’s pattern of behavior is to only respond to escalated behavior and to get their way by escalating.

Ask, Say, Do – a cool little technique for teaching a child to do something. Instead of taking complete control of a situation and doing everything for the child you start by asking them what they think they need to do first (giving them an opportunity to say what the first step is). If they ’say’ it correctly you move on to ‘Doing’ but if they don’t you then ’say’ what they need to do first. ‘Do’ is all about the child doing with you assisting – rather than the other way around. Then when the first step is complete you go through the cycle again (ask, say, do). I’ve been using this one for a few days now – something about him being in control but there being a clear process seems to work well for him.

Accidental Rewards – where you reward bad behavior – sometimes just to make a child stop behaving badly (buying the toy they want when they’re throwing a tantrum in the supermarket) or sometimes inadvertently by giving the child attention when they’re doing something antisocial (laughing when the child throws mashed potato at their grandmother). The problem with these accidental rewards is that the child learns that the behavior can get them something and they’re sure to repeat it.

I think some of the other ‘lessons’ that I’ve found helpful are:

Telling not Asking – instead of saying ‘do you think it’s time for a bath now?’ saying ‘it’s time for a bath now’ – the first option gives the child the option to say no and then leaves you needing to convince or negotiate. The second option might also get a ‘no’ but is less likely to get that result. I guess it’s about assertive instructions rather than open ended ones.

Other Bad Instructions – there are a heap of other bad ways to give instructions – giving too many at once (telling a 3 year old to do anything more than 1 thing is too many), not giving clear or detailed enough instructions (telling a child to eat with their cutlery without having taken the time to show them how), giving instructions that are vague, too hard, from one room to another, with bad body language. I guess it’s made me realize that many times it’s not a child who’s being disobedient but me as a parent who is simply not communicating well.

Quality Time – I’ve always tried to set aside time for my boy. I usually try give put aside extended amounts of ‘quality time’. This week though part of the teaching was that quality time was often best in short sharp doses. Anything from 30 seconds to a couple of minutes of complete focus on a child is really important at multiple times during the day. I guess I ‘knew’ this and do it – but it was good to know that it’s not just about long periods of time.

Teens Need Relationship

Getting physically close to your child is important when giving instructions, especially with teenagers. Teens need relationship whether they'll admit it or not. In fact, the stronger the relationship, the less likely you'll get resistance.

Sometimes young people resent having to share in the workload of running a household. You might hear them say something like, "My parents are always ordering me around. It's like I'm their slave." Of course that's not true, but when parents take time to show value for the relationship before giving instructions, they can build a greater sense of teamwork.

When teens can't see how instruction is related to relationship, they’re more likely to justify unkind words or dishonoring actions when they don't like what you've told them to do. They don't understand that obedience is a demonstration of love. Getting physically close makes a statement about who we are together. Face-to-face contact says, "I care about you."

By affirming your relationship in the midst of the instruction, you teach your children an important lesson about the way God relates to us. Spirituality isn't just a list of do's and don'ts, but it comes within the confines of relationship.

Alex, a father of three said it well, "I had a picture in my mind of a Father who yells instructions down from heaven. Distance and harshness characterized my view of God. It wasn't until I became a dad and I remembered how my parents treated me that I began to see the connection. I was viewing God from what I had learned in my family growing up. I work hard now to give instructions in a more relational manner. It's amazing how something as simple as giving and receiving instructions can give you a perspective of who God is and how he relates to us."

For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, order the book, "Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids." To learn more about relating to teens, consider “Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, in You and Your Kids." Both of these books are authored by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Building Relationship Makes Kids More Responsive

Many parents see a problem and start giving instructions immediately. This often means that they yell across the parking lot or bark commands from the other side of the house. We believe this approach isn't the best. It's not enough to see the need and tell someone to respond to it. That approach doesn't demonstrate value for the relationship. Parenting isn't just about getting tasks done; it's about building relationships at the same time.

Start by getting close to your child. Most of the time this means that before you give an instruction you call your child over to you. This presents a problem in many young families because preschoolers often don't come when they're called. The fact is, even older children don't come when they're called unless they are taught to do so.

Take time to teach your children how to come when you call them. It takes practice but it's well worth the work. Parents often ask, "What do I do in the grocery store when I call my preschooler and he runs away?" Well, the grocery store isn't the place to practice. That's the final exam! By practicing over and over at home and at the park, children are then able to respond in public.

Like every step in a good instruction routine, getting close to each other requires changes from both child and parent. Children also find it tempting to yell across the house. Now children learn that dialogue only takes place when relationship has been established through eye contact and being physically close together. Sometimes it's the small things that demonstrate that a parent cares or that a child is willing to listen. Putting down the paper, looking up from the computer, or just turning to face your child before you speak communicates the importance of what you are about to say.

Some parents report major improvement in a child's responsiveness when they just implement this step and give instructions only when the child is within a few feet. Sometimes that little nonverbal statement about your relationship is all that's needed to gain a more cooperative attitude from your child.

And what if that doesn't work? Well, it's only the first step. Four more steps are yet to come and you can read about them in the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Learning from Natural Consequences

Sometimes the best way to help a child is by doing nothing and staying out of the way, allowing a natural consequence to provide the teaching. You’ve probably learned a number of things through natural consequences. Maybe more than you’d like to admit.
- save your sales receipt so you’ll have it if you need to return what you bought
- buy gas when your tank is on “E” even if you’re late for work
- don’t forget to water your plants
- don’t wash your husband’s red sweatshirt with his white underwear

Natural consequences allow life to provide its own lesson without outside intervention. When a parent intentionally stays out of a problem and makes little or no comment, the child has an opportunity to learn from life.

In the Bible, Peter was allowed to experience a natural consequence of lack of faith when he stepped out of the boat in Matthew 14. After he began to sink, however, Jesus was there to help him. Jesus also allowed Peter to make the mistake of denying him three times. No lectures or rebukes were needed; just a look from the master’s eyes and Peter was overcome with remorse. Many times in the gospels, Jesus allowed life to be the teacher and he took on the role of counselor or coach.

Natural consequences often happen if we, as parents, learn to keep quiet. The four-year-old who goes out to play on a hot day wearing a turtleneck learns by experience. The six-year-old who chooses to skip snack because she wants to continue her game may feel the pain later. The ten-year-old who spends all his money on one thing may wish he had not done so. Each of these experiences can be a learning opportunity if the parent responds wisely.

The question then is how are we going to respond? These may be tempting opportunities for parents to condemn, lecture, or put down a child. When you identify these situations in life, they are excellent opportunities to come alongside, express empathy, and help a child learn problem-solving skills.

This idea was taken from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Teaching Children to Affirm in Conversation

Many children don't know how to listen without thinking about the next thing they want to say. Or if they do listen, they make statements like, "I know," or "I can do it better than that." Instead, teach children to affirm others in conversation. It's part of learning what it means to be a servant. Listening can be hard work. It requires that children think of the other person, not just of themselves.

Children can say, "I agree" or "You're right." Instead of launching into their own version of the story, teach them to encourage the other person first. "That must have been exciting," or "You saw a fun thing." Good responses in conversation are "Oh," "That's interesting," or to ask a question. Conversation can be self-serving or others-serving.

If your children continually talk and rarely listen, encourage them to affirm the last thing you said before they begin talking. Affirming others' speech is a skill that children will use forever and it helps them address a little of their own selfishness now. Furthermore, it makes conversations with children more pleasant and enjoyable.

This tip comes from the chapter on teaching siblings to honor in the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

The Funny Side of Parenting

If you're a grandparent, we're sure you'll appreciate these quotes:

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars worth of pleasure.
and…
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.

~Gene Perret

Use Generosity to Teach Honor

Honor means treating people as special, doing more than what's expected, and having a good attitude. We work hard to develop honor in family life and are continually looking for new ways to teach it.

One helpful way to teach honor is to be generous as a family. Generosity opens our hearts as well as the hearts of the people who receive from us. Giving doesn't just focus on money. In fact, money is one of the easier things to give. A harder gift is that of time, attention, loyalty, or commitment to others.

Giving can be exciting. Planning the surprise, delivering it, watching the person's response, and enjoying the personal satisfaction of giving all add joy to family life. When a family works together to be generous, something happens in the members who participate. They feel a sense of teamwork. They enjoy the satisfaction of giving, not just individually, but the good sense of family pride.

Giving is fun and doing it in secret can make it even more exciting. Be on the lookout for honor opportunities for your family. Sometimes families will plan an anonymous gift. Hannah, age thirteen, reported that she overheard Mrs. Robertson talk about losing all her encyclopedias when her basement flooded. Knowing that the Robertson family didn't have a lot of money, Hannah's family decided to replace them. They went to several libraries asking for a used set. They paid a small price for a set that was newer than the one Mrs. Robertson had lost. They decided to give the set anonymously, which meant more planning and careful strategy.

Seeing a need and meeting it through an anonymous gift became a meaningful experience for Hannah's family. In fact, Hannah herself saw that her own observation contributed to the family's decision.

This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Envision a Positive Future

Take a few minutes and imagine what your children will be like as adults. Some parents have immediate thoughts of terror and doom, but instead, look at the good qualities your children have and imagine how those qualities will benefit them later in life. Then share those observations with your children.

Envisioning a positive future looks beyond the day-to-day discipline and says, "I see qualities in you that are going to make you successful." Statements like, "With that kind of thoughtfulness you're going to make a great husband." Or "Your thoroughness is going to make you a valuable employee someday." When parents learn to view their children this way, they look past the daily grind of parenting to what their children are becoming. What is my child good at? What do I see now that will bring success as my child grows?

We've probably all heard the statement that children believe what we say about them. If a parent tells a child he'll never amount to anything, he's likely to incorporate that into his belief about himself and it may end up becoming true. We can take that same principle and teach our children to see the good in themselves, the specific ways that God has blessed them.

Interestingly enough, giving our children a positive vision for the future encourages them to live up to it now. The qualities we focus on end up being the ones they see in themselves and develop.

Envisioning a positive future gives our children hope and direction. It says, "You're going to make it." "I believe in you." It's a way to honor our children. Like giving them a gift that will last a lifetime, a hopeful way of looking at themselves and their life.

After all God does this for us on a regular basis. Verses like Philippians 1:6 give us hope to live now to the fullest. "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Talk to Teens about Character

Teens are at an important stage in life where they are developing their own value system. Sometimes teens seem unresponsive to parental leadership but what you say has more weight than you imagine. Take time to identify character strengths and weaknesses and then respond accordingly.

When you see a problem, relating a consequence to the specific weakness can be more productive than just "grounding" a teen.

You might say, "I sense an ungrateful spirit in you, yet you seem to continually want me to sacrifice. I don't mind helping you, but I'm going to say no this time and I'll watch and see if your gratefulness increases for the things I'm already doing for you." This type of response teaches young people the value of gratefulness instead of just considering their own goals and desires.

A teen who lacks thoughtfulness about household chores may need a contract where parents agree to drive to an activity if the teen agrees to clean out the car. This again forces young people to give up demandingness and think of the needs of others. Sometimes teens want to come and go as they please but expect food on the table and their clothes cleaned.

One mom who was raising her fifth teenager said, "Alan is 13 now. When he was in kindergarten he was diagnosed with ADHD. He is often assertive in order to control situations. My husband and I have learned over the years that what we see as areas of weakness can turn into areas of strength later on. Alan is daring, not afraid to try something new. This last summer he went on a mission trip and was the youngest member of the team. He did well and was bolder than many of the adults. They found his assertiveness an encouragement."

Make observations for teens and give them feedback about their character.
"It looks like you're easily influenced by your peers."
"You seem to be having trouble managing money."
"Those words are unkind."

Don't overdo negative observations but helping teens see character weaknesses can be an effective way to help them grow. Look for positive character qualities to affirm as well.
“Thank you for taking initiative to clean up the kitchen.”
“Looks like you’re becoming more conscientious with your schoolwork.”

Giving your teen character-based feedback will be quite helpful over time.

This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

A Fun Way to Teach Children to be Servants

One of the roadblocks to sibling harmony is selfishness. Children want to be first or best. Teaching kids to serve others is an important way for them to learn honor. A servant gives more than half, considers others' needs, and looks for ways to benefit those around him. Children who learn to be servants make better employees, develop meaningful friendships, and enjoy relationships more.

One fun way to teach children to be servants is the "I Cut, You Pick" Rule. It helps children who both want the last piece of cake, or plan to split a chocolate bar. It simply goes like this. When children must divide something between the two of them, ask one child if he would rather cut or pick. The other alternative goes to the second child. This plan motivates the person cutting to be as equal as possible.

Now, instead of two children arguing about who got the biggest piece, they are both involved in the solution. The "I Cut, You Pick" rule equips children with a tool they can use in many situations to bring peace instead of frustration in relationships.

The technique actually comes from a Bible story of Abraham and Lot. They had too many herds and not enough food so they decided to divide the land between the two huge families. Abraham, being a wise servant of God, said, "I'll cut the land into two pieces and you pick which one you'd like." In the story, Lot chose what appeared to be the better piece but Abraham was rewarded in the end and, most importantly, their relationship was preserved.

This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Teach Children How to Listen

A very important skill that children will need as adults is the ability to listen. Listening isn't easy. Most people would rather talk. Children interrupt, yell, and talk over each other, often resulting in misunderstanding. Teaching children how to listen can be a way to help them become less selfish.

One mom told how she taught her children to listen. "I use this technique whenever my boys are in conflict over a toy. I sit them down with the toy on the table and say, 'You can play with the toy as soon as you both agree on a plan.' I encourage them each to share an idea and listen to the other's idea. I teach them about compromise, working together, and sharing, but I let them work it out.

Sometimes they'll both be stubborn and I'll have them stay there until they can agree on a plan. I coach them along when they need it. They must always report back to me before continuing to play, providing an opportunity for me to affirm unselfishness and cooperation.

"It can be fun to teach a five-year-old how to persuade a two-year-old, or help two eight-year-olds negotiate a solution. Conflict is turned into cooperation through listening.

I (Scott) like to joke with children, "Do you know why God made lips for your mouth but not for your ears?" or, "Why do you think God gave you one mouth and two ears? It's because God wants you to quiet your mouth sometimes, so you can listen.

"James 1:19 gives children very practical advice. "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." As a parent, you have many opportunities to teach this valuable skill.

This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Help Kids Choose Solutions

When a child runs into a problem, often the most efficient solution at the time is for the parent to solve the problem. But that isn't always what's best for the child. When troubleshooting a problem with your son or daughter you may want to offer several alternatives by saying, "Let's think of ways other people might solve this problem."

Depending on your child's responsiveness at the moment, you may want to share the worst alternatives first. This gives the child the opportunity to reject some of the poorer suggestions before the good ones come. As you share each alternative, help your child anticipate the consequences. After sharing a possible solution ask, "What might happen if you do that?" or "I wonder if _____ might happen if you do that?" Anticipating consequences helps your child learn to think through each alternative carefully.

After you've given your suggestions, let your child solve the problem. After all, it is his or her problem. As much as possible, avoid solving problems for children that they can solve for themselves. When faced with available alternatives children may not want to make any choice. Life is hard. The possible solutions may all look bleak.

You may ask, "What are you going to do now?" or "Which one of these choices seems like the best one for you?" Then allow the child to think about the situation. Once your children realize that the solution is up to them, they are more apt to take responsibility for choosing a response.

Keep in mind that sometimes children don't want any of the available solutions and therefore resort to complaining. Complaining takes place in two ways along the process here. First, children bring us problems by complaining sometimes and then other times children complain because they don't like any of the available alternatives. Complaining is focusing on a problem without acknowledging or taking responsibility for the solution. Complaining is unacceptable.

Don't take responsibility for a child's problem when the child just wants to focus on the negative. Encourage your children toward solutions, but leave the responsibility in their hands.

This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Understanding Why We Get Angry

One of the helpful steps in equipping children to control their anger is to recognize four causes of anger. After kids have settled down and you debrief with them about their anger, talk about what's causing it. You and your child may see patterns and then be able to head off the problem earlier next time.

1) Blocked Goals. This is the kind of thing that happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the playroom and find that Billy has left his Legos all over the floor and you keep stepping on them. Or, Billy may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it first. These are blocked goals.

2) Violated Rights. That's when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favorite CD. Those are violated rights.

3) Unmet Expectations. You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or Jackie thought she would be going to McDonalds but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.

4) Experiencing Unfairness. When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, Tom may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.

Whatever the situation, after a child has settled down, talk about the cause. Discuss the value of sacrificing rights, readjusting goals or expectations, and handling unfairness in a godly way. By examining the causes of anger, you can help children gain greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.

For more ideas about helping children deal with anger, consider the CD set, Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. A plan is also sold separately in an individual CD entitled, Helping Children Deal with Anger.

The Key to Making Devotions Fun

The language of children is activity. When teaching children spiritual truths it's best to speak in their language. A family devotion time should be the most fun part of the week. If you use their language they'll not only enjoy family time but they'll be eager for more.

Here’s one idea: complaining can be a problem in any family, and not just among children. You might start by reading the story in Numbers 14 about the time that the Israelites complained about the food. You’ll learn that God disciplined them by sending a plague. Then get out the cold oatmeal and play the "Cold Oatmeal Plague Game."Have kids pretend to complain like the Israelites and then you put some cold oatmeal on their bare arms. You can have some "grace wipes" handy to illustrate how God's grace cleans up our lives. Kids will have a lot of fun with this and most importantly, will remember the lesson forever. As you take time to talk about complaining versus gratefulness, you're teaching a practical application of God's Word in family life.

Lying: A Definition

Truth is foundational to relationships. It helps us know and understand others so that we can interact with them effectively. When people are honest and tell the truth, we learn to trust them. When a person lies, our thinking about that person changes. Trust is broken. This is particularly hurtful when it’s our children who break our trust.

We want to believe our kids. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt. We want to trust them. When a child lies, we’re stuck. We ask, “How can she do this to me? Why would he lie to me?” Our very relationship feels threatened.

Lying is an attack on our closeness with our children. It makes us feel angry and betrayed. But the solution is not to yell, or punish, or demand the truth. Overpowering or forcing specific words will do little to develop integrity in our children. What we need is a plan. We need to understand the deeper problem and get to the heart of our children.

Deception is a term we use to describe a number of dishonest words or actions. Lying is only one piece of the bigger puzzle. Some people define lying as saying something that is not true, but we believe lying has more to do with the intent of the speaker. The person who reports inaccurate information is just mistaken unless he intends to deceive. We believe that lying is best defined this way: Lying: Stating something, either written, oral, or with other signals, with the intent to mislead or deceive.

Having honest discussions about what lying is and how it damages relationship is important in family life. There are many other important strategies for fighting the battle against lying but an important one is to dialogue about this important issue. Now, that doesn't simply mean lecturing after a lie. It means taking time in non-discipline moments to do some helpful teaching.

For more practical ideas about developing honesty in your family consider our book, Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids. One of the helpful tools in this book is the "lie-detector" test in Chapter 8. Ten stories pose ethical dilemmas for kids. Do your children know the right answers?

Sad Instead of Mad

Often parents have a inadequate repertoire of discipline techniques so they do what comes naturally—they use anger as a consequence. Anger becomes the punishment that children learn to fear and the result is distance in relationships. Parents want to express disapproval for misbehavior and anger becomes the vehicle for showing it.

Imagine this scenario: You're making dinner and your six-year-old daughter, Amy, comes into the room complaining that she’s hungry. You tell her that you're making dinner and that she needs to wait. She persists and complains that she hasn't eaten all day. You remind her that she had a snack a few hours ago and then encourage her to leave the room.

Instead of leaving, she begins to whine, "I’m starving." Finally you sigh and offer her a banana or an apple. "I don’t like bananas! I don’t want an apple!" Okay, you give in. You offer her some milk and a cookie. Amy is so excited she jumps up…and knocks over the milk! You’ve had it! That was the last straw. Now you're really angry and yell, "What's the matter with you? Now look what you've done!!"

Think a minute. What caused you to lose control? Was it the spilled milk, or was it the fifteen minutes of whining and complaining? If we wait until we become angry to discipline, then we end up responding like a time bomb. Our children can never be sure when we’ll explode.

In this situation, Mom needed to take action earlier. "Amy, it makes me sad that you keep asking after I said 'No.' You need to go to your room until I call you for dinner."

In honor-based parenting, anger and its accompanying distance are not appropriate consequences. Instead, parents learn to reflect sorrow. Some parents may feel like hypocrites because they don't feel sad, they feel mad. But it doesn't take long for a parent to recognize that the sorrow is there. It's just masked by the anger. If you peel away the anger you will genuinely feel sad that your child is acting out or choosing to disobey. You see that their misbehavior will lead to an unhappy and unsuccessful life. Reflecting sadness is much more beneficial to the child and to the relationship.

Try it; you may be surprised. Children often open up in response to sadness and you may end up with a productive conversation. Sadness opens relationships; anger shuts them down. It may take some practice, and self control, but your relationships with your kids will benefit in the end.

This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Suggestions for Influencing Teens

Even the best of parents must make some changes in the way they parent as their children grow up. The old methods of relating don't work the same way anymore. In fact, they seem to cause problems instead.

Of all the changes teens make, the most important one is probably the adjustment in their relationship with their parents. They're moving from a parent-child relationship to an adult-adult relationship. Unfortunately, some parents never make the shift. They continue to treat their teens as if they're still eight or nine years old. Honor helps parents recognize the changes and make the necessary adjustments.

Although you may be able to "control" young children, the key word for teenagers is "influence." Here are five words that describe different ways you can influence teens.

1. Teach - provide them with new information or help them understand another facet of life.

2. Encourage - remind them of the benefits of moving in the right direction.

3. Entreat - earnestly ask them to act in a mature, responsible, and wise way.

4. Admonish - warn, caution, or advise them by anticipating possible negative consequences.

5. Persuade - use relationship, rewards, and consequences to motivate them to make wise choices.

Remember that you don't have to accomplish everything in one interaction. Change takes time and your influence over time will produce the greatest results.

This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Monitoring Frustration Levels

When allowing a child to solve a problem, it's important to monitor the frustration level. A little frustration, overcome by persistence, builds determination. Too much frustration causes discouragement. Coaching your child through the problem-solving process requires patience and sensitivity.

Here's where the parent's role becomes so important. Unfortunately some parents turn into drill sergeants, commanding their children, and telling them exactly how to solve a problem. Other parents just take over and solve the problem themselves.

If six-year-old Paul announces at dinner, "I don't have a fork," the temptation is for Mom to just get up and get one for him or to give him hers. A wise parent may respond by simply saying, "I see you have a problem there, Paul. What do you think you ought to do about it?"

Some parents feel that just reflecting the problem this way isn't loving. They say, "I just couldn't do that. It doesn't seem right." What these parents don't realize, though, is that this loving response demonstrates confidence in your children that they can solve their own problems. Parents shouldn't turn their backs and walk away. Rather, a wise parent can help a child evaluate the choices, offer suggestions, and then praise the child for the accomplishment. Children grow in confidence as they learn to solve problems for themselves.

Paul may decide that a fork isn't necessary and then be content to use a spoon. His mom or dad could praise him for his flexibility. He may get up to get a fork out of the drawer only to find that all the forks are gone. Solving problems isn't always easy. He may find a clean one not yet put away or choose to wash a fork that's dirty on the counter.

At each step along the way, the parent may be tempted to step in but a wise parent can offer just enough guidance to allow the child to feel the accomplishment of problem solving. Monitoring the frustration level can help a parent know when to step in and when to allow the child to learn independently.

This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Connecting with your child

Heart moments are what parents long for.

The fourteen-year-old who cleans up the kitchen just to see the delight on your face. The eight-year-old who cries that repentant cry when he truly realizes the seriousness of his disobedience. The four-year-old who gives you that big hug and says, “You’re the best mommy in the whole world!” All of these are heart moments and they not only remind us of the value of parenting, but also they give us encouragement continue on. Sometimes heart moments happen after weeks and months of hard work. Other times they come more spontaneously.

No matter what brought the heart moment on, you want to be ready for it.Pray daily that God would help you be ready. Be sure to take advantage of opportunities with your kids. Those opportunities may be when you're driving in the car, or when your child has just had an emotional experience. Be ready. Time and emotions are two of the things that open up the heart. Look for ways to connect and watch what God will do.

What Your Child Treasures

What is your child interested in? What does he think about? Where does she spend her money? What do your kids like to do? Jesus said, “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21).

Most of the time the activities our children choose indicate what they treasure. Because the heart and behavior are closely linked, parents can look for things their kids can do that will encourage healthy heart change. Look for ways to guide your children into constructive and helpful activities, hobbies, and relationships.

Sometimes you’ll have to limit certain activities, but look for positive ones to replace those you’re taking away. Try to attract your children to good choices by providing opportunities they’d enjoy. By adjusting what your children do, you can influence what they enjoy and eventually what they treasure.

Sometimes simply providing different choices guides your child into more healthy heart situations, but other children seem to have a bent towards treasuring the wrong things. Or they may want to spend hours in activities that aren’t necessarily bad in themselves, but you know they don’t contribute to maturity and growth. You may have to use a combination of approaches, including setting down some firm limits to guide your child in the right direction.

That’s part of the hard work of parenting, but it’s not optional. Be creative and look for alternatives, but recognize that, if a child isn’t responding, you may have to provide parental control. Don’t be afraid to take a stand to redirect your child into more healthy choices. After all, too much of a particular thing can have an unhelpful affect on the heart.

Eleven Categories of heart gifts you can give to your children.

Not all of these work with every child, but with a little experimentation, you'll find ones that will connect with your kids in significant ways. These ideas are just meant to get you started. Create a list that contains ways to connect emotionally with each child. Doing these things one-on-one helps tremendously, so plan some time with each child alone. You may want to set a goal of ten minutes a day or an hour or two a week. Undoubtedly your life situation and child's needs will help dictate what's reasonable for you, but remember that it's always a challenge to move from the status quo. Stretch yourself in some new ways, and you and your child will both benefit.

1. Talking. Tell stories about interesting things that are happening in your life. Children often like to hear you describe events from your own childhood. Don't feel like you have to tie a lesson into the story. Just tell it to them as if you were relating the details to a friend. Talk about their childhood, too. Kids love to hear about what they were like as babies and young children.

2. Listening. Your kids have stories, too. Ask questions and take an interest in their activities and their day. Ask them about favorite things they enjoy and let them share their opinions. Once they start talking, draw them out with more questions. Ask your child for advice and genuinely listen.

3. Touching. A hug or a gentle hand on a shoulder communicates warmth and love. Try moving out of your comfort zone by giving a hug when you otherwise might not. With practice, you'll learn how and when to touch your child.

4. High-energy activities. Kids love excitement. Play games with them. Preschoolers love hide and seek. Play with lots of energy and even silliness. Older children often enjoy interactive, fast-paced card games. Some children prefer to watch and others prefer to play. Look for exciting activities to enjoy together.

5. Interests. What does your child like? Children may be interested in animals, airplanes, cooking, or race cars. Look for ways to share your child's interests. They may not be your favorite, but they become bridges to a greater sense of closeness.

6. Special treats. Gifts of love don't have to cost a lot of money. Buy your son's favorite ice cream or pick up some corn on the cob because you know he likes it. Give your daughter the fancy little flashlight that came in the mail. Stop on the way home for a milk shake or check out a book from the library you know your child will enjoy.

7. Partnering. Find a service project you can do together. Team-teach Sunday school, make a meal and deliver it to a friend who's sick, visit with nursing-home residents, or fix a car. Find a task and work at it together as teammates. Consider allowing the child to lead and you be the assistant.

8. Praise. Offer genuine praise for a job well done. Communicate gratefulness and affirm growth in character you see in your child. If someone gives you a good report about your child, pass on the praise. Admire something about your child and communicate it.

9. Fun. Be silly, tell jokes, or wrestle with your kids. Be playful. Use squirt guns, run around the house, play it up, and generate a fun moment.

10. New times in a child's life. The first day of school, the trip to the orthodontist for braces, setting up a bank account, a girl's first period, or a first airline flight all can set the stage to connect emotionaly. Be there and available to share the moment.

11. Traumatic events. A bad grade, an unfair teacher, a trip to the emergency room, or the death of a pet all provide opportunities to develop closeness. Remember that the most important thing isn't fixing the problem, it's restoring the heart.

In short, enjoy your kids and have fun with them. Take an interest in their lives. If you don't feel like it, do it anyway. Your kids need your playfulness, love, affection, and joy. When you give to your kids, you contribute to their well-being and your family's strength. Yes, it's sacrifice, but the time you put in now will go a long way toward reducing friction when it's time to confront or discipline.

How to Connect Emotionally with Your Kids

You must be proactive to maintain closeness with your children. Start by asking yourself the important question, "How does my child like to be loved?" Your son may enjoy cuddling, a back rub, or a big hug, because physical touch communicates love to him. Your daughter may thrive on affirmation, because she longs for Mom or Dad's approval. Another child may just enjoy talking and being with you, playing a game, reading a book, or watching TV together. Each child is different. If you have trouble knowing what helps your children feel loved, ask them. They often have insights that get you thinking in the right direction.

Closeness with children is important in and of itself, but it doesn't stop there. Once you open a window of emotional closeness, you earn the right to communicate more directly to your children's hearts. They're more willing to hear you out or enter into conversation about sensitive issues. Be cautious, though. An open heart is a fragile place. Some parents go in with swords and clubs where tweezers are needed. A heart closes much faster than it opens, so be careful with the opportunities you have.

One mom told this story: "Every time I asked my five-year-old, Jason, to do anything, he resisted me. He argued, complained, and had a bad attitude. I wasn't getting anywhere with him, and our relationship seemed to be getting worse. Then he got sick. It was just the flu for a couple of days, but during that time he wanted me to hold him and cuddle with him. He just seemed to soak in the affection. I felt like we connected on a deeper level during those moments.

After he was well again, he seemed to be more responsive to me for about a week. Then old patterns returned. I decided to try something. One afternoon I asked him if he'd like me to rock him in our rocker. Surprisingly, he said yes. For about twenty minutes he seemed to cherish the attention. Amazingly, he was more responsive to me the rest of the day. In fact, I felt more nurturing to him as well, and I'm sure that came across in my attitude toward him. I think we both need for me to hold him often. The cuddling contributes to greater cooperation between us."

Some parents have a natural ability to communicate effectively. Often in a family, one parent finds this easier than the other. Learn from each other what works, and respect the communication skills each parent has. Over the years you'll probably go back and forth with the ability to get close to your kids. Sometimes you'll connect with one kid in a special way, but then turn around and try to connect with another child, it just doesn't seem to work. Kids aren't cookie dough, waiting to be pressed into shape. The family dynamic is always in flux and we, as parents, must be ready to adjust.

In the continuing search for practical suggestions for achieving emotional connectedness, there are several categories. In the next post I want you to view these as gifts you give to your child. Sometimes these gifts are tangible, like a toy, new clothes, or an unexpected activity. However, unless the gift matches a desire in their hearts, children may not appreciate the gesture of kindness.

Furthermore, some children are demanding, always asking for more and wanting things they can't have. At those moments, it's tempting for parents to give in for the sake of relationships. That's rarely helpful; instead, those gifts tend to feel an indulgent attitude and compromise standards and values. When children are demanding, they need more limits and more "no" answers to their requests.

But even these children need gifts of love. The intangible gifts we give our children usually touch the heart more effectively than the tangible ones. Kids need gestures of kindness, such as making their favorite dinner or giving a back rub.

Next post we will talk about eleven categories of heart gifts you can give your children.

Use Open Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are great tools for teaching children how to think and for getting quiet kids to talk more. An open-ended question is one that requires a longer answer than "yes," "no," or "I don't know."

"What seems to be the matter?" "What are you going to do about it?" "Why is this happening?" When children respond with "I don't know," be careful about launching into a lecture. Lectures can hinder the process of discovery.

Rachel's mom may see her withdraw from the other children and say, "Rachel, it looks like you're having a problem. Come tell me about it." Each child handles frustration differently. Some children will come to parents to solve their problems. Others will just live with the frustration of having them unsolved. Either way, asking open-ended questions can help to move children through a problem-solving process.

If you see your child struggling with a friend, you may say, "Is everything alright?" If Bobby comes to you, reporting that he can't find his boots, you might ask, "When did you have them last?" Or if Kelly complains that she has nothing to do, you could ask, "What kinds of things do you like to do?"

The goal is to get children thinking for themselves, not just wallowing in the problem or bringing it to you for you to solve. The child who has math homework but left the math book at school, you might say, "Wow, that's a problem. What are you going to do?" Or, "Yes, you have a problem. What are you going to do about it?"

The goal isn't harshness but just solving children's problems isn't helpful either. Open-ended questions can do a lot to get conversations started so that real dialogue and teaching can take place.


This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Should You Give Rewards Equally?

Rewards can be helpful at times to encourage growth in character. If you have a daughter who continually interrupts, you may focus on the character quality of thoughtfulness. You may set up an alternative behavior so that whenever she feels like interrupting, instead of just talking, she puts her hand on your arm as a signal that she wants to talk. You might then put your hand on her hand indicating that you have "heard" her and that you will allow her to speak in just a moment. It's a great technique to teach thoughtfulness. What if the child is still having a hard time not interrupting? You may try a reward to raise the stakes for your daughter and get her over the initial hump to learn a new pattern.

Be sure though as you work with habits of behavior like this you're also talking about the heart. "I appreciate the way you're becoming more thoughtful." Or, "We're doing this to develop some self control in your relationships."

Sometimes parents struggle because when they reward one child, they feel they need to reward all their children. Should you reward one child when you don't reward the other? This thought comes from the belief that fair means equal. Children often point out what they view to be inequity in a situation and call that unfair. But children are all unique. Each child has different strengths and weaknesses, and should be treated uniquely. Parents get into real trouble when they try to treat all their kids equally.

Teach your children that you don't even try to treat them the same. If a brother sees his sister receiving a reward, and he wants one too, then you might say, "Your sister is working on something in her life and the reward is for her progress and effort. If you want to work on a character quality in your life, let me know and I'll think of a reward for you too." Don't be motivated by the "It's not fair" complaint. That's just an indication that children don't understand what fairness really is.

Fairness treats all children according to their needs, which usually isn't equal. Each child needs to feel loved and cared for. Each child needs to work on particular issues. Focus on each of your children as individuals and reward them according to their needs.

Should I Make My Kids Apologize

Often reconciliation requires that an offender come back to try to make things right. How do we teach children to handle these situations? Saying "I'm sorry" is a reflection of an emotion that one feels inside. If a child truly feels sorrow for doing the wrong thing, then saying, "I'm sorry" is certainly appropriate. Sometimes children don't believe they’ve done anything wrong. Or they believe that the person offended was also wrong or was the instigator. Of course, even when children believe that they’ve been treated unfairly, they’re still responsible for their part of the problem. A sarcastic answer or a returned punch can't be excused because the other person started it.

To avoid having children say one thing (I'm sorry) while feeling something different in their hearts, we encourage children to say, "I was wrong for… Will you forgive me?" This statement doesn't require an emotion but is an act of the will. A child should be required to take responsibility for an offense whether it was provoked or not.

Be careful about disciplining only one child in an argument. Both are usually at fault in some way. Trying to figure out who started it rarely leads to peace. Victims are often instigators. Discipline children separately and teach them each how to respond to offenses. When they make a mistake teach them how to admit it and ask for forgiveness.

Of course, older children can learn to say, "I'm sorry" even if they aren't at fault. Sometimes we say it because we're wrong and know it. Other times we apologize because we truly are sorry that the relationship is damaged and we’re saddened that the other person is in pain. That's a great concept to teach teens.

Teaching children to admit mistakes and seek to make things right is an important part of correction. In fact, correction teaches us all valuable things. It’s often in the correction times that heart moments happen.

It's Not Complete Without...

Discipline has some similarities to working on a craft. How many times have you started a project but left it unfinished? You could spend a lot of time painting a picture or doing some needlework but you won't be able to fully enjoy it until it's framed and hung on a wall.

Discipline needs to be framed, finished off and completed with a Positive Conclusion. It's not enough to just give a consequence and think you're done. Some parents feel like they’ve fulfilled their responsibility or done their duty by simply sending children to their rooms or taking away a privilege.

Unfortunately, there is often tension left in the relationship, the child may walk away angry, children may feel guilty, or true repentance may not have taken place. This leaves room for anger or even bitterness to linger. The child may plan revenge. "I'll show you. I just won't talk to you. You'll be sorry then." Day after day, year after year, these tensions grow into layers and layers of walls between you and your child.

A Positive Conclusion is a discussion you have with your child after the consequence has been given. It helps children understand what they did wrong, why it was wrong and what they can do differently next time. The Positive Conclusion is a reaffirmation of the relationship and a confidence that the child can do better. The Positive Conclusion is so important you should use it to end every discipline situation.

God had a Positive Conclusion with Adam and Eve. He gave the consequence, sending them out of the garden, but he then made clothes for them and gave them a hopeful promise of the future. We can do the same thing for our children by giving them a hope and a plan for the next time they are in the same situation that caused the problem.

This idea was taken from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Failing By God's Standards

If we were to gauge how well we're doing in this regard, the outcomes might startle you. Consider these findings from a recent survey of children between the ages of eight and twelve.

1. Most of our children are biblically illiterate, which will become clear to you as you read this blog. Their ignorance of Bible teachings corresponds to the fact that only one-third (36 percent) of our adolescents fully believe that the Bible is accurate in all of the principles it teaches.

2. Few of our children are motivated to share their faith in Christ with others. Less than one out of every five (19 percent) contend that they have a responsibility to evangelize their peers.

3. Not even half of our young people (46 percent) state that their religious faith is very important in their lives.

4. Few of our children take Satan seriously. Only one-fourth of them (28 percent) completely dismiss the idea that Satan is symbolic, instead believing that the devil is real.

5. Salvation baffles most of our young ones. Only two out of every ten reject the idea that good people can earn their way into heaven. And only three out of every ten dismiss the belief that everyone experiences the same postdeath outcome, regardless of their beliefs. In fact, only two out of every ten adolescents (21 percent) strongly disagree with the statement that people cannot know for sure what will happen to them after they die.

6. Most of our kids are willing to entertain the idea that Jesus Christ sinned while He lived on earth. Only 44 percent outright dismiss the idea.

7. The majority live for things other than loving God with all their hearts, minds, strength, and souls. Specifically, only four out of ten live with that purpose in mind.

8. Three out of four young people reject the notion that there is no such thing as God. However, not only is that lower than expected based upon adult surveys, but fewer young people today- only 58 percent- believe that God is the all-knowing, all-powerful creator of the universe who still rules His creation. That result is lower than any we have seen in the last quarter century of survey work. A similar percentage (about six out of every ten) believes that God originally created the universe.

9. Only one-third of America's adolescents ardently contend that Jesus Christ returned to physical life after His crucifixion and death on the cross.

10. By their own admission, our children are confused theologically. Based on their reaction to statements like "It doesn't matter what religious faith I follow because they all teach similar lessons," it's clear that they do not know what to think about competing worldviews and belief systems.

Add to this last fact that national surveys of thirteen year olds reveal that most of them think they alrady know everything of significance in the Bible (hence, they are no longer open to learning or actively studying the Scriptures). Also, most of them have no intention of continuing to attend a church when they are in their twenties and living on their own.

In addition, consider that fewer than one out of every five parents of young children believe they are doing a good job of training their children morally and spiritually. In fact, when asked in a national sample of adults with children under eighteen to rate their parenting performance on fifteen different indicators, parents ranked their efforts related to morality and spirituality at the bottom of the list.

What does this add up to? A crisis.

You Get What You Measure

Think about it. What do we seek to provide for our children? We want them to be happy, safe, comfortable, good citizens, educated, religious, and fulfilling their potential. The criteria parents use to determine the condition of their children are substantial. Most parents would examine the state of their children and conclude they are:

* Provided with their basic needs: food, clothing, shelter
* Physically healthy
* Performing at or beyond their grade level
* In a secure and comfortable home
* Monitored and cared for by parents
* Involved with church services and programs
* Connected to decent friends
* Not involved in gangs
* Not taking drugs
* Not alcoholics
* Not out-of-control sexually
* Not involved in a cult or in satanic activity
* Not the victim of physical or emotional abuse
* Without a criminal record or related problems

These measures are meaningful-as far as they go. But here's the invisible problem that hampers the development of America's children: We are measuring their well-being based upon the wrong standards. Without realizing it, we have made ourselves the judge and jury of what is right and wrong, good and bad, useful and useless in relation to our children's lives.

You are not likely to get the right outcome if you base your actions on the assessment of the wrong things. Yet when it comes to raising our children, Americans have created a matrix of measurements based upon what our society defines to be significant. We gather the raw data for those indices based upon the best information we are able to capture from the ever-present, omniscient mass media. We analyze what we learn based upon our standards and make corrections as needed. The result, of course, is that our children are constantly receiving "the best care" available.

Think about the process for a moment. We have replaced God with ourselves, usurping leadership over our children's circumstances. We have ignored God's Word when it comes to determining how well we're doing, believing that if our conditions meet the social norms, we're most likely in compliance with God's expectations. And we make our judgments and comparisons on the basis of the popular wisdom and criteria dispensed by a mass media that is run for profit by groups of people who have no intention or desire of pleasing God or meeting His standards through the material they produce and distribute. With that in mind, it would not be hard to challenge some of the common thinking about the "okayness" of our children.

For instance, we could note the decline in educational performance: Reading skills are declining, writing skills are abysmal, math ability is below par, and science knowledge is lacking. We could expose the percentages of teens and adolescents having sexual intercourse, smoking, drinking, using drugs, or being victimized by violent crime. Some of the rates of activity in these areas have declined in recent years, but millions and millions of our children remain caught up in such lifestyles. We could harp on the 13 million children who live in poverty, or the 18 million who are being raised by a single parent. We could highlight the issue of physical health, focusing on the 12 million children who are overweight, or the millions of children (particularly girls) who wrestle with anorexia and bulimia, or the 8 million children who receive subpar heath care because they have no health insurance. But that would be missing the point, too.

What is the point? That God is the absolute judge of how well our children are doing, that His standards examine the character and faith of our young people, and His ways are often not facilitated by many of the activities we promote or endorse, regardless of our ignorance or good intentions.

You get what you measure. If you want intellectuals, measure their exposure to complex information and ideas, and their performance on sophisticated tests. If you want great athletes, evaluate how committed they are to advanced physical training and how superbly they perform in sporting competitions. If you want relational people, determine how connected and popular they are among their peers.

What does God measure? Our hearts. He created us to love, serve, and obey Him. So He studes the indicators of our devotion to Him. As parents, then, our job is to raise spiritual champions. That does not mean we are supposed to ignore the significance of developing our children's intellectual, emotional, and physical dimensions. But it suggests that we have to see the bigger picture of God's priorities and raise our children in light of His standards, not ours or society's.