The minor emotional signals you experience many times a day can help you know when and how to discipline your children. This takes some work and you may need to spend time educating yourself on the emotional signals you're already receiving.
Imagine a car's control panel with many little lights. They flash occasionally, sometimes even intensely. With experience you begin to learn about all those lights and what they mean. One indicates that the oil pressure is low, another reveals that the trunk is open. Yet another tells you that it's time to take the car in for maintenance. Emotions are like those little lights. It takes time to understand what they mean and how to respond rightly to them. When you become more in touch with the emotional signals in relationships and are more sensitive to others then you can begin to respond in healthier ways.
Hundreds of times a day, you make decisions about life. You'd be surprised at how many times it's a minor emotional signal that gets you started. A salesman knows just the right time to close the deal. A husband is amazed at his wife's perceptiveness to sense a problem in their son. A teacher decides to let the class take a stretch break. If you ask those people how they knew how to respond to a situation, they may not be able to articulate what it was that gave them the clue. They just felt as if it was the right thing to do.
If you analyze all of the above situations, you will discover that each involved specific objective signals that don't have to do with emotions. People relied on details that they saw, heard, or remembered. However, those cues trigger emotional responses, not intellectual reason. Salesmen, teachers, and parents often learn to look for signals and clues in others in the form of expressions or behavior. But some of the best skill comes from an emotional sense that this is the right response for the current situation.
Considering emotional cues may seem contradictory to what you've heard in the past. We've all been warned, "Be careful about making decisions based on emotions." That's good advice, especially as you're growing in your experience, because emotions can give unclear signals about life situations. It would be unwise to leave the house messy just because you don't feel like cleaning it, or confront someone just because he made you mad. That's not what we're talking about here.
When a decision is very important it's essential to base it on more than a hunch or an emotional cue, but you'd be surprised how anger can become an asset in your parenting if you learn to keep it in check and understand what it is telling you.
To learn more about emotions and parenting, take a look at the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Correction's First Step
When you need to correct your child, start with calm words, avoiding threats or harshness. If children can respond to words then no further consequence is necessary. After all, that’s the mature way to handle conflict and mistakes. When a boss sees an employee doing something wrong, the best thing is to start with words of correction. If that doesn’t work, the boss may have to bring in some other kind of consequence.
You're teaching your child something very important when you start the correction process with words. You might even say to your child, "If words work, then that’s all we need. If you don’t respond to my words, then we’ll have to go to the next step.” Whether you’re working with a preschooler jumping on the couch or a sixteen-year-old coming in past curfew, the principle is the same—start with words of correction.
We’re not suggesting that every time there’s an offense, you have a dialogue. If your son hits and you’ve already talked about hitting, then you can just proceed to the next step. What you’re trying to do, however, is train your children to eventually receive correction through words without needing a further consequence.
Although your kids may need more than words at first, over time you’re moving them in the direction they should go in order to listen to God. It’s always best to respond to the whispers of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. But when we don’t listen, he’ll use other ways to get our attention. As parents, we don’t like to go further, but we will if we have to. Children need to see that their responsiveness or resistance determines the extent of the correction.
For more on how to build a good Correction Routine with your children, consider the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
You're teaching your child something very important when you start the correction process with words. You might even say to your child, "If words work, then that’s all we need. If you don’t respond to my words, then we’ll have to go to the next step.” Whether you’re working with a preschooler jumping on the couch or a sixteen-year-old coming in past curfew, the principle is the same—start with words of correction.
We’re not suggesting that every time there’s an offense, you have a dialogue. If your son hits and you’ve already talked about hitting, then you can just proceed to the next step. What you’re trying to do, however, is train your children to eventually receive correction through words without needing a further consequence.
Although your kids may need more than words at first, over time you’re moving them in the direction they should go in order to listen to God. It’s always best to respond to the whispers of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. But when we don’t listen, he’ll use other ways to get our attention. As parents, we don’t like to go further, but we will if we have to. Children need to see that their responsiveness or resistance determines the extent of the correction.
For more on how to build a good Correction Routine with your children, consider the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The Value of Training
Every day you're training your children to become healthy responsible adults. Is it okay to get up and walk away in the middle of a meal? Is it acceptable to leave the table without helping to clean it up? Is it all right to eat without saying thank you to the one who prepared the meal? How will kids learn what's appropriate if you don't train them?
Unfortunately, as parents we get upset when our children need lots of correction or when they can't seem to change right away. It is true that some problems our children have take longer to overcome than others. Our response as parents is important, though. Our exasperation can damage the relationship. Firmness is important but the harshness can do more harm than good.
Kids make mistakes. Whether the errors are deliberate or accidental, children need a godly way to think in order to get back on track. Identify an issue you wish would change in one of your children. It might be arguing whenever you give an instruction or complaining when life doesn't go just right. Break the problem down and think of the alternatives you wish your child could do or think.
Talk about healthy alternatives and look for positive ways to motivate your child to maturity. You may have to use consequences to motivate change but don't neglect the potential of teaching new patterns of thinking, developing new skills, and giving children a vision for doing what's right.
Most of all, be patient. Training takes time and implies lots of work. You're a coach and your children are in training. Give your kids a vision for living life on a different level and they will grow into some great relating patterns.
This idea was taken from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Unfortunately, as parents we get upset when our children need lots of correction or when they can't seem to change right away. It is true that some problems our children have take longer to overcome than others. Our response as parents is important, though. Our exasperation can damage the relationship. Firmness is important but the harshness can do more harm than good.
Kids make mistakes. Whether the errors are deliberate or accidental, children need a godly way to think in order to get back on track. Identify an issue you wish would change in one of your children. It might be arguing whenever you give an instruction or complaining when life doesn't go just right. Break the problem down and think of the alternatives you wish your child could do or think.
Talk about healthy alternatives and look for positive ways to motivate your child to maturity. You may have to use consequences to motivate change but don't neglect the potential of teaching new patterns of thinking, developing new skills, and giving children a vision for doing what's right.
Most of all, be patient. Training takes time and implies lots of work. You're a coach and your children are in training. Give your kids a vision for living life on a different level and they will grow into some great relating patterns.
This idea was taken from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Teaching Kids to Pray
Written by Marcia McQuitty
In a daily newspaper column, Dr. Billy Graham received the following question from a seven-year-old boy. “Will God hear my prayers, or does He just hear my parents’ prayers?” This question reminds us of the importance of teaching the children which God has given to us clearly, intentionally, and knowledgeably in the areas of spiritual discipline.
WHY teach preschoolers and children to pray?
Jesus clearly taught His disciples that children were important to Him and that they could be taught spiritual truths. In the Gospel of Mark we read: “Some people were bringing little children to Him so He might touch them, but His disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw it, He was indignant and said to them, ‘Let the children come to Me. Don’t stop them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these’… After taking them in His arms, He laid His hands on them and blessed them” (Mark 10:13-17). Jesus welcomed the parents and the children they were bringing to Him. By taking time for the children, Jesus showed the parents and the disciples that children are valuable and worthy of our time, relationships, and instruction.
Preschoolers and children can and will learn about prayer and how to pray if they have significant adults in their lives who are willing to teach them. In the Old Testament the child Samuel was a gift from God to a praying mother. As a result of this answered prayer, Samuel was taken to the temple to be taught by Eli the priest. God spoke to Samuel at a very young age and gave him a message to give to Eli, a man who had not always been obedient to the Lord. Eli said to Samuel, “What was the message He gave you? Don’t hide it from me.” Samuel gave God’s message to Eli, and Samuel grew and the Lord was with him. (1 Samuel 3:17-19) From this passage we see the value and importance God placed on one small boy.
HOW early can we teach preschoolers and children to pray?
When a child is born, there exists a potential for the child to have a relationship with his Creator. From birth the child develops physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, and spiritually. Significant adults need to nurture the spiritual development of preschoolers by teaching them that prayer is a way to talk to the God who created them.
We can teach the very young child about prayer by using appropriate language. In their presence we can thank God for their very lives, the provisions of life, the Bible as a gift to us from God, and the people placed in our families and church. “Thank You, God” should be the first prayer taught to the developing child. As the child grows, the prayers can be expanded to include more relationships and content. Older children can be introduced to more developmentally appropriate ways of learning about prayer and how to pray.
WHAT are developmentally appropriate ways to teach prayer?
We teach preschoolers and children to pray by modeling and intentional instruction. Sometimes modeling is done without intentional instruction but often they are linked together. When a professor of missions at Southwestern Seminary grew up in a very poor family, he was asked by his mother to go to the nearby store and purchase food. When given the list and some money, he asked his mother if he could have money for shoes because he did not have any to wear. She replied by saying, “Let’s pray.” They knelt together by a chair, and she asked God for money to buy him shoes. When he got to the store, the man who helped him asked him why he was not wearing any shoes and he replied, “Because there’s no money for shoes.” The man filled the grocery list and also gave him a note for his mother along with money for shoes. That afternoon they went to purchase the shoes and when asked by friends where the shoes had come from, the young boy proudly answered, “From the Lord!” Years have passed and this professor still remembers the need for shoes, the prayer of his mother, and the provision of the Lord.
We teach preschoolers and children to pray by making prayer a part of each teaching opportunity at church. On Sunday mornings, I teach a wonderful class of kindergartners. At the close of each large group time, I ask the children if they would like to pray aloud. Sometimes I begin the time of prayer with simple explanations about prayer, why we pray, what kinds of prayers we pray, and how God loves to hear and answer our prayers.
We can teach preschoolers and children to pray by using our Southern Baptist missions education material which provides inspiring stories about missionaries and the work they are doing around the world. We need to use prayer calendars, maps, pictures, etc., to help the children we teach see the people around the world who need our specific prayers. The International Mission Board and North American Mission Board Web sites can give you specific prayer needs of missionaries.
We can teach older children to pray by using developmentally appropriate learning activities like the following:
Keep a personal prayer journal with prayer requests and answered prayer.
Read and collect a list of Bible verses and Bible stories about prayer.
Make prayer chains and other prayer reminders to keep at home.
Go on prayer walks in the neighborhoods and around the church.
Hear the testimonies of other Christians who have prayed specific prayers that were answered by God.
As we teach preschoolers and children, we must keep the big picture in our minds and hearts. What the Lord said to the prophet Jeremiah is also true today. “‘For I know the plans I have for you’—[this is] the LORD’s declaration—‘plans for [your] welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. You will call to Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart’” (Jeremiah 29:11-13). Research and experience tell us that what we teach and model for preschoolers and children will last a life time.
In order to prepare our children to live for Christ in the world today, we need to equip them with the wisdom and power to be found in prayer. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6). Jesus is not only a friend to our children but He wants to be their constant companion as they travel the road to adulthood…and learn to pray!
In a daily newspaper column, Dr. Billy Graham received the following question from a seven-year-old boy. “Will God hear my prayers, or does He just hear my parents’ prayers?” This question reminds us of the importance of teaching the children which God has given to us clearly, intentionally, and knowledgeably in the areas of spiritual discipline.
WHY teach preschoolers and children to pray?
Jesus clearly taught His disciples that children were important to Him and that they could be taught spiritual truths. In the Gospel of Mark we read: “Some people were bringing little children to Him so He might touch them, but His disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw it, He was indignant and said to them, ‘Let the children come to Me. Don’t stop them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these’… After taking them in His arms, He laid His hands on them and blessed them” (Mark 10:13-17). Jesus welcomed the parents and the children they were bringing to Him. By taking time for the children, Jesus showed the parents and the disciples that children are valuable and worthy of our time, relationships, and instruction.
Preschoolers and children can and will learn about prayer and how to pray if they have significant adults in their lives who are willing to teach them. In the Old Testament the child Samuel was a gift from God to a praying mother. As a result of this answered prayer, Samuel was taken to the temple to be taught by Eli the priest. God spoke to Samuel at a very young age and gave him a message to give to Eli, a man who had not always been obedient to the Lord. Eli said to Samuel, “What was the message He gave you? Don’t hide it from me.” Samuel gave God’s message to Eli, and Samuel grew and the Lord was with him. (1 Samuel 3:17-19) From this passage we see the value and importance God placed on one small boy.
HOW early can we teach preschoolers and children to pray?
When a child is born, there exists a potential for the child to have a relationship with his Creator. From birth the child develops physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, and spiritually. Significant adults need to nurture the spiritual development of preschoolers by teaching them that prayer is a way to talk to the God who created them.
We can teach the very young child about prayer by using appropriate language. In their presence we can thank God for their very lives, the provisions of life, the Bible as a gift to us from God, and the people placed in our families and church. “Thank You, God” should be the first prayer taught to the developing child. As the child grows, the prayers can be expanded to include more relationships and content. Older children can be introduced to more developmentally appropriate ways of learning about prayer and how to pray.
WHAT are developmentally appropriate ways to teach prayer?
We teach preschoolers and children to pray by modeling and intentional instruction. Sometimes modeling is done without intentional instruction but often they are linked together. When a professor of missions at Southwestern Seminary grew up in a very poor family, he was asked by his mother to go to the nearby store and purchase food. When given the list and some money, he asked his mother if he could have money for shoes because he did not have any to wear. She replied by saying, “Let’s pray.” They knelt together by a chair, and she asked God for money to buy him shoes. When he got to the store, the man who helped him asked him why he was not wearing any shoes and he replied, “Because there’s no money for shoes.” The man filled the grocery list and also gave him a note for his mother along with money for shoes. That afternoon they went to purchase the shoes and when asked by friends where the shoes had come from, the young boy proudly answered, “From the Lord!” Years have passed and this professor still remembers the need for shoes, the prayer of his mother, and the provision of the Lord.
We teach preschoolers and children to pray by making prayer a part of each teaching opportunity at church. On Sunday mornings, I teach a wonderful class of kindergartners. At the close of each large group time, I ask the children if they would like to pray aloud. Sometimes I begin the time of prayer with simple explanations about prayer, why we pray, what kinds of prayers we pray, and how God loves to hear and answer our prayers.
We can teach preschoolers and children to pray by using our Southern Baptist missions education material which provides inspiring stories about missionaries and the work they are doing around the world. We need to use prayer calendars, maps, pictures, etc., to help the children we teach see the people around the world who need our specific prayers. The International Mission Board and North American Mission Board Web sites can give you specific prayer needs of missionaries.
We can teach older children to pray by using developmentally appropriate learning activities like the following:
Keep a personal prayer journal with prayer requests and answered prayer.
Read and collect a list of Bible verses and Bible stories about prayer.
Make prayer chains and other prayer reminders to keep at home.
Go on prayer walks in the neighborhoods and around the church.
Hear the testimonies of other Christians who have prayed specific prayers that were answered by God.
As we teach preschoolers and children, we must keep the big picture in our minds and hearts. What the Lord said to the prophet Jeremiah is also true today. “‘For I know the plans I have for you’—[this is] the LORD’s declaration—‘plans for [your] welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. You will call to Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart’” (Jeremiah 29:11-13). Research and experience tell us that what we teach and model for preschoolers and children will last a life time.
In order to prepare our children to live for Christ in the world today, we need to equip them with the wisdom and power to be found in prayer. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6). Jesus is not only a friend to our children but He wants to be their constant companion as they travel the road to adulthood…and learn to pray!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Parenting Lessons I've Learned Lately
Well, my boy is about to turn 2 on Friday and thought it might be good to get a bit of input on the topic of parenting so I have been doing some thinking. While much of it so far has been more reinforcing what we’re already doing by instinct – it’s also been helpful to be given frameworks for some of the concepts.
While much of it is common sense in some regards being given language to describe the ideas gives us some more techniques to try.
A few of these techniques that I’ve enjoyed:
Escalation Trap – most parents have experienced it. It’s a pattern whereby you as a parent only seem to get your child to do anything by escalating your efforts to get their attention – ie shouting, screaming, threats and craziness. The child also uses the same technique to get what they want – (tantrums). When this pattern takes over a family things can get pretty crazy as everyone’s pattern of behavior is to only respond to escalated behavior and to get their way by escalating.
Ask, Say, Do – a cool little technique for teaching a child to do something. Instead of taking complete control of a situation and doing everything for the child you start by asking them what they think they need to do first (giving them an opportunity to say what the first step is). If they ’say’ it correctly you move on to ‘Doing’ but if they don’t you then ’say’ what they need to do first. ‘Do’ is all about the child doing with you assisting – rather than the other way around. Then when the first step is complete you go through the cycle again (ask, say, do). I’ve been using this one for a few days now – something about him being in control but there being a clear process seems to work well for him.
Accidental Rewards – where you reward bad behavior – sometimes just to make a child stop behaving badly (buying the toy they want when they’re throwing a tantrum in the supermarket) or sometimes inadvertently by giving the child attention when they’re doing something antisocial (laughing when the child throws mashed potato at their grandmother). The problem with these accidental rewards is that the child learns that the behavior can get them something and they’re sure to repeat it.
I think some of the other ‘lessons’ that I’ve found helpful are:
Telling not Asking – instead of saying ‘do you think it’s time for a bath now?’ saying ‘it’s time for a bath now’ – the first option gives the child the option to say no and then leaves you needing to convince or negotiate. The second option might also get a ‘no’ but is less likely to get that result. I guess it’s about assertive instructions rather than open ended ones.
Other Bad Instructions – there are a heap of other bad ways to give instructions – giving too many at once (telling a 3 year old to do anything more than 1 thing is too many), not giving clear or detailed enough instructions (telling a child to eat with their cutlery without having taken the time to show them how), giving instructions that are vague, too hard, from one room to another, with bad body language. I guess it’s made me realize that many times it’s not a child who’s being disobedient but me as a parent who is simply not communicating well.
Quality Time – I’ve always tried to set aside time for my boy. I usually try give put aside extended amounts of ‘quality time’. This week though part of the teaching was that quality time was often best in short sharp doses. Anything from 30 seconds to a couple of minutes of complete focus on a child is really important at multiple times during the day. I guess I ‘knew’ this and do it – but it was good to know that it’s not just about long periods of time.
While much of it is common sense in some regards being given language to describe the ideas gives us some more techniques to try.
A few of these techniques that I’ve enjoyed:
Escalation Trap – most parents have experienced it. It’s a pattern whereby you as a parent only seem to get your child to do anything by escalating your efforts to get their attention – ie shouting, screaming, threats and craziness. The child also uses the same technique to get what they want – (tantrums). When this pattern takes over a family things can get pretty crazy as everyone’s pattern of behavior is to only respond to escalated behavior and to get their way by escalating.
Ask, Say, Do – a cool little technique for teaching a child to do something. Instead of taking complete control of a situation and doing everything for the child you start by asking them what they think they need to do first (giving them an opportunity to say what the first step is). If they ’say’ it correctly you move on to ‘Doing’ but if they don’t you then ’say’ what they need to do first. ‘Do’ is all about the child doing with you assisting – rather than the other way around. Then when the first step is complete you go through the cycle again (ask, say, do). I’ve been using this one for a few days now – something about him being in control but there being a clear process seems to work well for him.
Accidental Rewards – where you reward bad behavior – sometimes just to make a child stop behaving badly (buying the toy they want when they’re throwing a tantrum in the supermarket) or sometimes inadvertently by giving the child attention when they’re doing something antisocial (laughing when the child throws mashed potato at their grandmother). The problem with these accidental rewards is that the child learns that the behavior can get them something and they’re sure to repeat it.
I think some of the other ‘lessons’ that I’ve found helpful are:
Telling not Asking – instead of saying ‘do you think it’s time for a bath now?’ saying ‘it’s time for a bath now’ – the first option gives the child the option to say no and then leaves you needing to convince or negotiate. The second option might also get a ‘no’ but is less likely to get that result. I guess it’s about assertive instructions rather than open ended ones.
Other Bad Instructions – there are a heap of other bad ways to give instructions – giving too many at once (telling a 3 year old to do anything more than 1 thing is too many), not giving clear or detailed enough instructions (telling a child to eat with their cutlery without having taken the time to show them how), giving instructions that are vague, too hard, from one room to another, with bad body language. I guess it’s made me realize that many times it’s not a child who’s being disobedient but me as a parent who is simply not communicating well.
Quality Time – I’ve always tried to set aside time for my boy. I usually try give put aside extended amounts of ‘quality time’. This week though part of the teaching was that quality time was often best in short sharp doses. Anything from 30 seconds to a couple of minutes of complete focus on a child is really important at multiple times during the day. I guess I ‘knew’ this and do it – but it was good to know that it’s not just about long periods of time.
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