Behavior Can Be a Tool for Heart Change

Although we must be careful not to focus on behavior alone, it's important to realize that sometimes behavior can change the heart. Ideally, we change from the inside out, adjusting the heart and giving God greater control, resulting in outward changes. But that isn't how it always works. In the Bible we read God's commands for behavior- and his expectation of obedience. These commands are important not just for their external value, but because obeying them changes us.

Sometimes people just don't feel like doing what's right. Does that excuse their behavior? After all, they don't want to become hypocrites, and since they don't feel like doing what's right, why not continue to do the wrong thing until their hearts change? Of course the faulty reasoning here is obvious. Even if you don't feel like it, you need to do the right thing.

Many of the chores your children do are likely a struggle for them. Unless your kids are exceptional, they get frustrated with work and view cleaning their rooms, washing the dishes, or raking leaves as an intrusion into their lives. In those moments, pray for heart change, talk about deeper issues, but continue to hold the line. Children who learn to work hard are eventually surprised by the amount of work they can do, but it takes time. Quite frankly, even parents get tired of chores and often do them out of duty. Even then, though we can maintain positive attitudes because we know we're working for a greater good-the well-being of our families.

But how can we change the heart when we have to get the dishes done, clothes picked up, and get kids out the door to school? Heart work can seem elusive when you're faced with the urgency of daily life. Sometimes parents just have to do what needs to be done to keep things moving. But a heart approach to parenting means that at some points in our day or week we take the time necessary to address the hearts of our children. In the busier times, we make mental notes so we can develop a plan to reach down to the heart issues when the opportunity arises. But even on the run, many of the comments you make to your child reflect either a heart or a behavior approach to parenting.

Ten-year-old Jeffrey seemed irritated whenever Mom asked him to do something. She realized that his resistance was a pattern, likely indicating a heart problem. In the busyness of the morning one day, she took thirty seconds and stopped him in the hall. 'Jeffrey, I'm going to give you some instructions this morning. I've noticed you often react unkindly to me when I do that. I'm concernced about the pattern I'm seeing, because it seems to indicate a problem in your heart. Would you please think about it?"

By confronting Jeffrey when she wasn't reacting to his disrespect, she made some progress. Jeffrey knew Mom wasn't just interested in getting the job done but was committed to helping him change his heart as well.

Behavior is important, and parents need to address the behavior problems they see. But that's only the beginning. We must also talk about heart issues and challenge our children to consider what's in their hearts.

Some children, however, seem to be doing pretty well. They follow instructions and seem to respond positively to life most of the time. How do we know if their hearts are in the right place or if what we see is just a big cover-up? When children are young, parents can get a pretty clear picture into the heart by watching behavior. Preschoolers and young elementary-age kids tend to be transparent. Their selfishness, pride, or dishonesty can be glaringly obvious.

As children get older, however, they may cover up problems and hold more in their hearts, be more secretive, and make it harder to know what's really going on inside. With these kids, we need to watch more closely for inconsistencies in behavior that may indicate a problem. Even if behavior isn't a concern, parents need to be diligent, looking for subtle cues. Pray that the Lord will make you sensitive to the heart issues your child is wrestling with. Pray for wisdom and discernment as you seek to uncover what may be hidden. The Bible tells us two ways we can get a picture into our kids' hearts: (1) listening and (2) looking at what they treasure.