Who Gets The Most Out of a Teaching

Perhaps the most exciting thing that happens when we begin to follow the example of Jesus in teaching our children is personal growth. As we begin to teach on a regular basis, our teaching “muscle” grows and becomes stronger.

Jesus was constantly teaching His disciples; is it possible for parents to do the same? Yes and no. Needless to say, none of us can measure up to Jesus. On the other hand, we can become MORE like Jesus in the way we teach our children!

You don’t need to be trained

Now before you get all worried and intimidated about being an “expert” bible teacher, let me say this. There is a common myth in Christian circles that we must be trained and/or certified prior to attempting to teach. This thought process flows from the world’s educational system, but this is not a biblical pattern. Take a look at Jesus and His disciples. None of them were certified! Acts 4:13 Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated and untrained men, they marveled. And they realized that they had been with Jesus. The disciples were average men; fishermen, tax collectors, tent makers, etc and they turned the world upside down for Jesus Christ. Acts 17:6b “These who have turned the world upside down have come here too. These untrained, uneducated men changed the world. So can we!

The word of God is powerful, more powerful than a two edged sword. If we can read the word of God aloud, then we have what it takes to do the job. The Holy Scripture will do the work if we will simply commit to reading it aloud to our family. As we begin to read the bible, God begins the process of equipping us. Sometimes His Holy Spirit will bring something in His word to our remembrance as we read it. We can share that thought with our family. We can ask questions about what we just read. As our children get older, we can allow them to take a turn to teach God’s word. As the word of God promises, His word will powerfully transform our lives if we will simply be faithful to read it aloud.

Other tools and strategies

If you want a little more help, you can get a Study Bible. Study bibles explain the meaning of God’s word at the bottom of each page. This can help you to teach scriptural truths to your family. As we begin to expound upon God’s word, all we need to do is to stay one lesson ahead of our children. If we will prepare a little in advance, the Lord will give us plenty to teach! But even if we simply read God’s word without a comment, the Lord will make a positive impact on your family.

Keep Connections Open

Some of the ways parents relate to their children work against emotional closeness. Be careful not to undermine your own efforts with actions that close your child’s heart. Here are a few examples of things to avoid:

1. Using anger as discipline. Angry responses, sarcasm, and mean words may seem justified at the moment, but they do more harm than good. Anger builds walls in family life. Firmness is important with children, but harshness hinders closeness.

2. Focusing on problem-solving instead of empathy. When children begin to open up emotionally, they reveal problems so obvious that you may have trouble resisting the urge to fix them. Be careful that, in your desire to solve problems, you don’t lose the emotional connectedness that comes through vulnerability.

3. Lecturing is another common pitfall that prevents emotional growth. Just because you have an important truth to communicate doesn’t mean your child is ready to learn. Some children shut down and just tolerate a lecture, missing much of the content. Teaching is valuable, but kids need parents to be creative and sensitive for them to learn life lessons.

4. Too much criticism also hinders emotional connectedness. It may seem that the fastest way to change children is to point out when they miss the mark, but efficiency may miss effectiveness. Children often perceive parents as critical, so be careful how you share negative information. Parents who use children’s mistakes as examples of what not to do often give the impression that the child can’t measure up—which, of course, decreases the child’s willingness to open up.
As you work with your child, remember that a soft heart is an open heart. We need to look for ways to connect before we can impact the heart.

Why You Should Let Your Child Fail; The Benefits of Natural Consequences

Watching your child fail makes you feel helpless, angry and sad. You worry about everything from your child’s self-esteem and social development to their future success. James Lehman explains that while it’s natural for parents to worry about failure, there are times when it can be productive for kids—and a chance for them to change. "Failure is an opportunity to get your child to look at himself." Parents tell me all the time that they fear their child will fail in life. When I ask them what specifically they’re afraid of their child failing, usually it’s school-related—a certain subject, or perhaps a grade level. The thinking of most parents is, once you start failing in school, it’s hard to catch up. For many parents, it creates a crisis in the family when their child fails in a subject or gets bad grades. And I understand that. I’d like to talk about the word “crisis” for a minute. It’s often stated that the Chinese symbol for “crisis” is a combination of the symbols for “danger” and “opportunity.” I think that parents see the danger part very clearly in a crisis, but often they don’t see the opportunity: your child has the opportunity to learn an important lesson. The lesson might be about the true cost of cutting corners, what happens when he doesn’t do his best at something, or what the real consequences are for not being productive. It might be a chance for your child to learn the cost of misleading and lying to his parents about how much work he’s actually done or what grades he’s receiving. I think if your child misleads and he gets a failing grade, that’s the natural consequence for his behavior and he should experience the discomfort of his choices. Many of the parents I see are uncomfortable with this at first. Instead of allowing their child to fail, they try to get the teacher to change the grade. Believe me, if a parent is in the martyr role, they’re going to go up and fight for their child in school—and they’re going to believe they’re right. But sadly, what their child is going to learn is that they don’t have to take responsibility for their ineffective behavior—that somebody else is going to fight for them. Let me be clear: when you try to change the actions of people around your child so he won’t feel disappointed or upset, your child is not going to learn the lesson you imagine he’s going to learn. And not only that, he’s also not going to learn math, or science, or whatever it is he’s been avoiding. Worst of all, he’s not even going to learn to not be duplicitous in the future. What he is going to learn is that “It’s OK. If I screw up enough, Mom will take care of it.” Or “Dad has more power than the teacher, so he can take care of it.” Once again we see the danger of your child thinking that power can solve his problems. When that conclusion is made, he learns that power can replace responsibility. In a healthier equation, schoolwork problems are dealt with by the child who gradually takes more responsibility in doing his homework. The power emanates from the responsibility-taking. But if a parent goes and fights with the school and gets the teacher to change the grade, then the power is coming from the wrong place. Your child is going to learn that power trumps responsibility. In fact, he will learn that the power of being manipulative and threatening is more valuable than actually being accountable and doing the work competently. Many parents have reasons to justify their defense of their child. They may cite the unfairness of the school system, their child’s learning difficulties or behavioral problem, the principal’s attitude, or the prior history of their child at the school. I understand that those things can be very real. It’s easier to fight with the teacher than it is to fight with your child. It’s just that simple. And it’s easier to change the teacher—or even the school rules—than to get your child to change. I think if your child didn’t do his homework, ignored a project that was due, or lied and misled you or his teacher, the fact remains that it’s his responsibility to experience the natural consequences of his actions. And the biggest consequence is that your child has failed. To me, this is not the end of the world, it’s a lesson, just like anything else designed to help him see that he’s not making the grade. Receiving a failing grade is a gauge of how he’s doing, and if he’s failed something, he needs to solve the problem responsibly. A word about lying: another thing you should ask yourself is if your child is being dishonest or manipulative about his homework, what else is he being dishonest and manipulative about? And when he’s supposed to be studying after school, what is he really doing? This opens up other questions because we know if somebody is duplicitous in one area, that behavior can spread to other areas quickly. Failing a subject in school is one thing, sudden changes in performance across the board is another. I believe if your child fails a subject or even fails the year, if you’re addressing the problem, you’re starting to solve it. It’s an opportunity to get your child to make some changes. Failure is an opportunity to get your child to look at himself. Part of parents’ sensitivity to this is that if their child fails, they feel like they’ve failed, too. So they’re hyper-sensitive to that, and I understand. It’s tough to be a parent who works hard and does the best he or she can, and then have your kids fail. You want to say, “What more can I do?” But the question really is, “What more can my child do?” It’s not “What am I not doing as a parent?” It’s “What is he not doing as a student?” That’s the right question to ask yourself. The Benefits of Letting Your Child Feel Discomfort I think when we talk about failure and what your child can learn from it, we’re really talking about the benefits of allowing your child to feel discomfort. And when I say discomfort, I mean worry, fear, disappointment, and the experience of having consequences for your actions. I think instinctively parents really don’t want their kids to feel uncomfortable about anything, even when they know that sometimes it’s beneficial for their child to pay a price for their choices. And so some parents will fight at the school, they will fight with other parents, they will fight with their kids. They will fight with anybody to claim their child’s right to never feel uncomfortable. Somehow in our culture, protecting your child from discomfort—and the pain of disappointment—has become associated with effective parenting. The idea seems to be that if your child suffers any discomfort or the normal pain associated with growing up, there’s something you’re not doing as a parent. Personally, I think that’s a dangerous trap parents fall into. While I don’t think situations should be sought out where a child is uncomfortable, I do think if that child is uncomfortable because of some natural situation or consequence, you should not interfere. Look at it this way: when a child is feeling upset, frustrated, angry or sad, they’re in a position to develop some important coping skills. The first thing they learn is to avoid similar situations. So if your child is called on in class to answer a homework question and he didn’t do it, he can learn to avoid that by doing his homework—not by having his mother tell the teacher not to call on him anymore because it makes him feel bad. The other thing that happens is that your child builds up a tolerance for discomfort, an emotional callous, if you will, and I think that’s very valuable. Discomfort is such a part of our life, whether you’re squeezed into a subway car, waiting in line at the supermarket, or passed over for a promotion. Everyone experiences difficult things from time to time, which will make you uncomfortable and frustrated. It’s so important for your child to be able to learn how to manage those situations and to develop a tolerance for them. And make no mistake, if he doesn’t learn to tolerate discomfort, he’s going to be a very frustrated adolescent and adult. So I advise parents to let your kid wait in line—don’t try to figure out how to cut ahead. When your child is starting to get frustrated, point it out. You can say, “Yeah, I know it’s frustrating to wait, but this is the way we have to do it.” Suggest a coping skill. When you shield your child from discomfort, what he learns is that he should never have to feel anything unpleasant in life. He develops a false sense of entitlement. He learns that he doesn’t really have to be prepared in school, because his parents will complain to the teacher, who will stop calling on him or expecting his homework to be in on time. He learns that his parents will raise the tolerance for deviance. If his parents are successful, the teacher will tolerate less compliance from him because of his parents’ intervention. He learns to confront a problem with power rather than dealing with it through responsibility and acceptance. How to Talk to Your Child about Failing: 3 Questions Parents Should Ask Whether dealing with feelings of discomfort or feelings of failure, there are three simple questions parents can ask their child. 1. “What part did you play in this?” That’s what you want your child to learn, because that’s all he can change. The lesson stems from there. Your child might say, “I don’t know what part I played, Dad.” You can respond by saying, “Well, let’s think about it. Where did you get off track? Where did things go wrong for you?” If your child doesn’t know, you can say, “Well, it seems to me you got off track when you didn’t have your homework ready when your teacher called on you. The part you played was not being prepared. And the solution to that is getting prepared.” Your child may agree with you, or he may try to offer some defense. But any defense that’s offered is not going to be legitimate as long as you’re speaking in the context of “What part did you play?” You just need to point out, “Well, it seems to me like you’re making an excuse for not having your homework done.” Or “Seems to me you’re blaming me for not having your homework done.” Or “It looks to me like you’re blaming your teacher for not having your homework done.”—whatever the case may be. 2. “What are you going to do differently next time?” So it’s, “What are you going to do differently the next time when you have to do your homework?” Or “What are you going to do differently next time so that if your teacher calls on you, you won’t get embarrassed?” Or “What are you going to do differently next time to pass the test?” This is a big question in this conversation with your child, because it gets him to see other, healthier ways of responding to the problem. 3. “What did you learn from this?” “What did you learn from being embarrassed when your teacher called on you?” “What did you learn from not passing the test?” Put the responsibility back on your child. If you take his responsibility over, it’s just going to become a power struggle. With all the problems that exist in education today, the last thing you need is to be in a power struggle with your child’s teacher. Now you may say, “Well you don’t understand, my child’s teacher is different.” I do understand that. There are effective teachers and ineffective teachers. But let me ask you this: when is your child going to learn to deal with ineffective teachers? Where do you think your child is going to learn to deal with injustice? Part of learning—for everyone—involves feeling uncomfortable at times. Part of loving your child responsibly means that you need to let him feel discomfort, and even fail, as long as he’s learning how to be accountable for his actions in the process.

"I'm So Exhausted": 4 Tips to Combat Parental Burnout

Are you often exhausted as a parent? Do you regularly feel drained, overwhelmed and off-balance when it comes to raising your kids? It’s hard for every parent, but when your children have tough behavioral problems, like ADHD, frequent defiance or other chronic acting-out behaviors, the task of raising them to adulthood can sometimes feel like you’re climbing a mountain without adequate supplies or the right equipment. This week, Erin Schlicher, a mom and parental support line advisor for the Total Transformation Program, gives you some concrete advice on how to juice up your parental batteries and get back on firmer ground. Whether the calls come in late in the evening, first thing in the morning, or somewhere in between, a common element I hear from parents—and particularly mothers—who are calling the Parental Support Line is that they are feeling utterly worn out. Given that parenting even an average or “easy” child is hard work, parenting a more challenging or acting-out child is enough to run anyone ragged. The fatigue that can come with mother or fatherhood (or for whom ever is doing the primary amount of parenting) is certainly not glamorous or boast-worthy, but it is a legitimate daily struggle for many of us. It should be said that there is a range of different types of exhaustion. The spectrum includes—but is not limited to—physical exhaustion, feeling burnt out, bored, frustrated, and a feeling of being defeated or fed-up. Of course, it is highly likely that a parent will have some blend of a few or even all of these. Understanding what type of tiredness is plaguing you can in turn lead to picking the approach most likely to help you reconnect with the energy necessary to face the challenges of parenthood. Remember, you must secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others! From what I have heard from callers, the most taxing form of being tired is one that leaves them feeling disempowered, defeated, and unable to easily see a solution—trapped in that black and white thinking that makes you feel hopeless and alone. Once you find yourself stuck in this tough spot, it’s difficult to conjure up the energy to set the wheels in motion to change it. Luckily, the small steps that parents make to change can quickly add up to a complete overhaul and a renewed sense of hope. How did I get here? Think back to the time of B.K. (before kids) and recall the images and dreams that came to mind when contemplating parenthood. Odds are, even if you were not wearing those dangerous rose-colored glasses, you likely did not anticipate the degree to which parenthood would stretch and test your abilities. How could you? Parenthood is an endurance marathon that you cannot train for, and certain moments of the journey will be exhilarating while others will sap your energy. Juggling the demands of a family is an incredible feat that warrants respect and appreciation—though you may not see a whole lot of this from your kids until they are much older. In the meantime, finding ways to refuel and adjust one’s perspective will help maintain sanity and effectiveness, while allowing us to tap in to the joy that children can bring. Whether you have recently found yourself bogged down or it is an accumulation that occurred over the years, here are a handful of tips that might perk you up. 1. Be a “Good Enough” Parent While not a new story, the modern day mother is under so much pressure to “do it all.” As a culture, we tend to value the image of the parent who pours every ounce of themselves into providing perfect lives for their children. However, James Lehman would say that being a “good enough” parent, who is consistently caring for your kids, is the key. You don’t have to be a flawless Super Mom to raise your children well. In fact, attempting to always provide an extraordinary experience for your children at any cost can lead to burn out. So cut yourself some slack in order to stay the course! Achieving a relative balance between meeting the needs of your family as well as caring for yourself may result in expanded reserves for all. 2. Find Support When you find that you are running on fumes, utilize supports you already have in place or seek new ones. This can mean calling on grandparents, friends, or babysitters to provide you with a little respite from the kids every so often to recharge. Do your best to use this time to do something restorative for yourself—exercise, relax, have lunch with your spouse, grab coffee with a friend—whatever lifts your spirit. Reconnect with the aspects of yourself that are not exhausted from parenting a difficult child. Since it is not always a readily available option to have someone else help with childcare, many parents rely on other methods of support. Online communities likeEmpowering Parents, as well as social networking sites, are a lifeline to a growing number of parents who may otherwise find themselves somewhat isolated. Advising parents who contact the Parental Support Line has been a distinct privilege, as I have been able to lend a kind ear to folks all over the country and beyond. Having supports in place positively impacts the whole family. 3. Expand Your Toolbox We all have a unique set of parenting tools that we have acquired along the way. Some were learned from our parents, some from parenting resources, education or even media, while others may have been purely intuitive. If you are similar to most people, you likely have some skills that are more effective than others. So, while we are just doing the best we can for our children, experimenting with new approaches to managing behavior may help you discover what will work best in your situation. There are resources online, parenting classes, and counselors who can help. James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program is another effective tool for parents. It’s designed to provide you with concrete tools that they can begin utilizing immediately. At the same time, it is important to understand that change is a process—certain behaviors may change immediately, while others will require more time. It is frustrating and disempowering not to know how to handle the challenges that arise with raising kids and there is no shame in trying to better equip oneself. Making this step could be exactly what is needed to pick up momentum. 4. Recognize and Focus on the Positive When someone calls the Parental Support Line and shares an extensive list of problems they are having with their child in rapid-fire style, finding the right moment to inquire about what is going well for them can do wonders to soften their stance. When people are discouraged and tired, it is difficult to see the positive. In those trying times, practice reminding yourself of some of the areas in which your child excels or is making progress. Acknowledging small successes and building off of strengths are the steppingstones to scaling mountains. Do not forget the power of praise and recognition! I think the following quote from Mother Teresa explains this aspect of parenting beautifully: “Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.” My interpretation of her message is not that we should literally be able to love without experiencing some fatigue from the output of energy, but rather, that it is our personal responsibility to be as balanced as possible in order to consistently offer love. It is inevitable that parents will encounter stress during the process of raising their children, but it is up to each of us to care for ourselves so that we may best care our families.

Life Rules for Teenagers

Life Rules for Teenagers

By Mark Gregston

This week I thought I'd pass on some classic words of wisdom from Charles J. Sykes, author of the 1996 book Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can't Read, Write, Or Add. These rules have been incorrectly attributed to a number of other people over the years. Most recently, emails have been circulating stating erroneously that they were a part of a speech presented to high school graduates by Bill Gates.

In any event, these rules are timeless, humorous, and so very true. They caught my attention, so I think they will catch yours as well.

Life Rules for Teenagers

Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "It's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No. 1.

Rule No. 2: The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he's not going to ask you how you feel about it.

Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule No. 6: It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it, or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn't. In some schools, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone's feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4.)

Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we're at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs.

Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for "expressing yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.

Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.

Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. You're welcome.

Developing Rules & Boundaries For Your Teen (complimentary e-book by Mark Gregston)

In a world where conflict, confusion, and turmoil surround our teen culture, it's difficult for parents to correct, confront, and be firm with their teens who display inappropriate behavior, or show a need for some help to mature and develop responsibility. In this new e-book, Mark provides helpful steps for parents to balance their role between confidant and disciplinarian. DOWNLOAD NOW >>

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight Ministries, a residential counseling program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas. Web: www.heartlightministries.org Phone: 903-668-2173.

Be a Coach to Your Children

I'm sure that as you look around you see other families who have rather strange relationships with their kids. Some parents seem to have a boss/servant relationship with their children, as if the parents own their kids. They order them around as if they were slaves, being demanding about obedience and respect.

Others act like policemen allowing children to do anything they want within boundaries. When the children move outside the boundaries then the parent blows the whistle to get them back in line. Other parents have a little prince relationship with their children. These parents go out of their way to make their children happy, sometimes trying to make up for their own unhappiness as a child.

A better analogy is the one that views the parent as a coach. Your children need training every day, involving teaching, correcting, firmness, and encouragement. A coach builds a relationship with the child, recognizes weaknesses and equips the child to succeed. When a runner falls down, a good coach doesn't condemn but motivates to excellence through support and encouragement. The coach and the athlete are both on the same side, working to make that young person successful.

Don't let childish problems like anger, impulsiveness, or meanness motivate you to become an opponent to your children, allowing the problem to come between you. Instead, partner with your children, moving the problem to the side, with you and your child working together to conquer it. Your attitude in conflict will mean all the difference for a child who needs to be coached out of immaturity. Children need to know that their parents believe in them. It helps them in the deepest areas of their hearts.

In what ways do you see yourself as a coach to your kids?