Thanksgiving Break

I'm taking a little break from blogging through the Thanksgiving Week. I'll get back on here on Monday.

Have a great Thanksgiving.

Be Careful with Triangles

Triangles in relationships happen often in family life. Conflict between two people can become an invitation for another person to join in. If parents aren't careful, and create triangles inappropriately, people get hurt. But if triangles are used properly, they become great opportunities for healing and learning. Here are some examples to watch out for:

- A child who is unhappy with Dad's discipline may go to Mom and try to get her to overrule a decision.
- A dad may criticize the way Mom is handling a situation.
- A child may go to Dad with a proposal to get around Mom's instructions.
- A teen may get angry with Mom for the way she's treating his brother.
- One child may tattle on another.

Each of these situations represents an opportunity. Some advice suggests that triangles are always wrong and warn not to get involved. We don't believe that's the answer. Rather we suggest you triangle in as a counselor or coach instead of a critic.

When you decide to triangle into a relationship, be careful. You may be right, but being right is not enough. You also need to be wise. Be careful about taking sides and creating more division in the strained relationship. Instead, look for ways to bring healing.

The key is to focus on the issues of the person who comes to you. When Billy tattles on his brother by saying, "mom, Sam left the light on again," take time to talk to Billy about how he should handle the situation. Maybe the right thing is for Billy to go turn it off. Your role in the situation is important because you work with the problem from the perspective of the person who comes to you. Invariably, that person needs help and guidance to know how to respond to the challenge.

Triangles are opportunities for people to learn and grow. Identify them and take advantage of them, but be careful not to get sucked into the conflict in unhealthy ways.

A Lesson in Honor

Honor changes kids, but sometimes it's hard to communicate its importance to children. One way that you can teach honor is by modeling it as you extend hospitality to others.

We live in a compartmentalized society. Many of the entertainment options today decrease interaction between people and have them feeling lonely. It's an honor to be invited over for dinner or for an evening of games and activities.

Opening your home is an excellent way to extend grace and honor to others and it's good for your kids. Talk with your children about who you're going to invite and why. Plan the evening together and talk about how you'll treat your guests as special. Afterwards, talk about how things went and emphasize the positive things that happened and how you all worked together to show honor to others.

1 Peter 4:9 gives an interesting command to believers. "Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling." Use that verse before, during, and after to help your children understand the benefits of honoring others.

So, who can you invite over this week? Not only will you bless others, but also you'll be blessed yourself. And your kids are always watching and learning.

For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family consider the book "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, in You and Your kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Servant for the Day

Children often compete with each other in order to be first or best. This tendency on the part of children comes from selfishness, a major roadblock to sibling harmony. The solution is to learn how to be a servant, but how do you convince a five-year-old or a twelve-year-old that being a servant is a valuable thing?

As parents we have to look for positive ways to frame the maturity issues that we know are best, but seem unreasonable to our children. In this case, you might try having a "servant for the Day." This child not only sets the table and takes out the trash but also gets some extra "Mommy time," helps with dinner, and sits next to Dad during story time. Throughout the course of the day, Mom has an opportunity to talk about more subtle aspects of servanthood that involve how children talk, listen, and even think.

Take time to praise demonstrations of servanthood. One child may not get the first turn or the biggest piece, but he gets the praise of Mom for being the mature one. That's a far more valuable reward.

Teaching children to be servants will promote harmony in your family. Becoming a servant will help children deal with the continual desire to build themselves up while putting others down. Learning servanthood is a way to honor others in the family and it brings honor back as well.

Who demonstrated servanthood recently in your family? How can you point that out and encourage it today?

Recognizing Foolishness

One of the greatest sources of sibling conflict is foolishness. Children often don't recognize the future consequences of their present actions. Billy trips his younger sister. Karen teases her brother until he cries. Martin takes his sister's CD player and uses up the batteries. All of these are examples of children not anticipating the consequences of their actions.

One of the ways that you can recognize foolishness is to listen to flags. Excuses like, "I was just kidding" or "I didn't mean it" or "I was just playing around" or "I didn't do anything wrong" are all cues that a child is not taking responsibility for foolish behavior. Children often evaluate life in terms of black and white and when they do something foolish the behavior may not have been wrong. These children don't recongnize that a good behavior can sometimes be wrong because it leads to something bad.

The first solution is to help children learn to take responsibility for their part of the problem. This is hard for many children who view mistakes as a sign of weakness. Help children take responsibility for foolishness and you will go a long way to teach them about wisdom.

You might ask, "What could you have done differently to aviod this problem?" This question helps children look at an offense a little differently. Instead of evaluating it based on right or wrong, now the behavior is judged based on its foresight and wisdom.

Of course the solution for foolishness is to help children learn wisdom. You want to help them anticipate the consequences of their actions. Tell stories of people who didn't see what was coming. And of course pray with your children because God says in James 1:5, "If you lack wisdom, ask God."

For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family consider the book "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, in You and Your Kids." by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Teach Kids to Make Wise Decisions

Look for ways to coach your children to make their own decisions or to think about how decisions need to be made. You may even want to encourage cooperative decision making when a child comes to ask for something.

Cooperative decision-making teaches children valuable skills of negotiation, compromise, communication, and creating alternatives. Mutual honor is demonstrated in the midst of cooperation.

How might you respond to this question: "Mom, will you take me to the store right now?"

Would you say, "no, I'm busy" or "Okay, let's go"? Those might be simple answers to the request but why not turn this into a cooperative learning experience about how we make such decisions.

Try saying, "Why don't you tell me more. I'm working on something right now. Let's work this out together."

Sometimes we make the error of emphasizing parental authority and other times we simply try to please our children. Neither is wrong but we might miss a valuable teaching opportunity.

Problem solving and decision-making become the garden where honor flourishes because children learn that the process is just as important as the end result. You can help children consider the ramifications of a particular decision. You might ask, "How will your brother feel if you do that?" Or, "I'm wondering how your friend feels when you eat a cookie in front of him."

Every problem we solve and decision we make has potential to show honor. Don't just tell kids what to do- ask questions. Sometimes there's nothing actualy wrong with our decisions, but can we be more honoring? Great lessons are taught through coperative decision-making.

For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family consider the book "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, in You and Your Kids" by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

A Practical Way to Teach Responsibility

Some children can't seem to do anything without getting distracted. One mom, Heather, said "When I tell my five-year-old son, James, to go get his shoes on because we've got to leave, he doesn't come back. When I go look, I find him sitting on the floor playing with his cars. And it's not just his shoes. Whenever I tell him to do something he gets sidetracked. I have to yell at him continually to get anything done."

Heather needs to use her frustation to identify the cause of the problem. James is easily distracted, but the deeper issue has to do with irresponsibility. Yes, he is only five years old, but James needs to learn to follow through with a job his mom gives him. This is the beginning of responsibility training.

Most children don't naturally feel an internal weight of responsibility. You can help develop it by watching your kids accomplish assignments and waiting for them to report back. Heather may say, "James, we've got to go so please get your shoes and bring them back to me. I'm going to wait right here in the doorway for you to report back."

As you wait, watch for distration. At first James may need very close monitoring but as he realizes that he needs to report back and that Mom hasn't forgotten about the job, he will feel the pressure to accomplish the task. Children who need constant reminders lack the character quality of responsibility. They need closer supervision, smaller tasks, and more frequent times of checking in.

Even older children sometimes have a problem with irresponsibility. Yelling isn't necessary- more accountability is. It takes more work to wait or watch, but your investment now will give your children a valuable gift. Responsibility is the ability to complete a task even when no one is watching.

Responsibility training happens in a good instruction process. In Matthew 25, Jesus told a parable about three stewards who were given talents and the responsibility to invest them. Two of the stewards were faithful; one was not. God wants us to be faithful stewards and the roots of faithfulness are taught to children as you teach them to follow directions and report back.

For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, read the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN