Hi, My Name is Dan, and I'm an Imperfect Parent

Christianity Today's most recent cover article is entitled "The Myth of the perfect Parent. As I read the article, I found myself saying things like, "Yes!" and "Exactly!" out loud. One of the first things we need to tell parents when they ask about raising children is to ignore all the parenting books and magazines and figure out what works for you. Sometimes it seems that the only purpose for all the expert parenting advice out there is to make you feel guilty for not getting it right. Sheesh! Then, if you are a Christian, there is all this pressure to make sure you are following "biblical" parenting methods otherwise your children might walk away from church and from faith!

The last time I checked, children were human beings with wills of their own. Yes, as parents, we need to guide our children. We need to facilitate their physical, emotional, and spiritual growth. The catch is, though, that our children get to choose how they live in the end. There is nothing we can do or not do to guarantee any kind of outcome. This is a very scary thing because that means we don't have as much control as we'd like to think about how our children come out.

Does this mean that we do nothing? Of course not! What it does mean is that many parents need to give themselves a pass. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be the "perfect parent." There is no such thing. If parenting "experts" can't even agree on what a perfect parent looks like, why should we? The best we can do, according to the author of the Christianity Today article, is to be faithful parents. I like that. Not perfect parents. Not even intentional parents. Faithful parents.

Being a faithful parent means you show up. It means you love your kids. It means you equip and empower them to make wise choices and then trust that they will. It means, if you are a Christian, you put your children in the hands of the Holy Spirit because he loves them more than you ever will.

But I Have to Yell to be Heard

Do you find yourself yelling sometimes just to be heard?
Does the yelling frustrate you but you feel there's no other way? We find that parents often yell when they don't have a plan. Some parents don't know how to fix a problem with their kids so they become louder, thinking that the intensity created through yelling will have some kind of positive effect. It doesn't work.

Motivating with harshness can keep children in line or get them to accomplish a task, but that method damages family relationships. In Jeremiah 10:24, Jeremiah prays, "Correct me, Lord, but only with justice- not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing." In the end, it is closeness that provides parents with teachable moments and the relaxed enjoyment of family life. Yelling and harshness discourage trust, essential to help young people learn valuable principles about life.

You might be saying, "Wait a minute! My kids won't obey unless I get angry." If that's true, then maybe you've trained your children to respond to your anger as a signal that it's time to obey. Kids are smart. They know they can wait until the last minute before responding. They've figured out how many warnings you'll give and they recognize the tone of voice that says you're ready to deliver a consequence.

One solution is to teach children to respond to a different cue. If yelling is the sign that you mean business, they change the cue to a more constructive signal. If you teach your kids that you'll back up your words sooner, without anger, then your dependency on anger to get things done will decrease.

Helping Your Kids Stay Safe Online Accessibility

When it comes to kids and being online, there is no way to be sure that they aren't going to come into contact with (accidentally or intentionally) inappropriate material. There are some things, though, that we can do to help our children cultivate habits that minimize the amount of digital stuff they come in contact with.

One of the easiest ways to help your children stay safe online is to limit the accessibility of online content.

1. Content Filters: Content filters are programs that keep certain sites and I'm not a huge fan of content filtes. They are unreliable and easily bypassed. There are different types including software that you put on your computer, parental locks (sort of like the V-chip on your TV), web-based filters, and Internet Service Provider-based filters. This is a very passive form of monitoring accessibility. I lean more towards helping your children develop their own internal filters.

2. Keep Computers in Public Areas: One of the easiest ways to prevent intentional access of inappropriate material and a way to deal with stuff that pops up inadvertently is to keep computers in the open. Personally, I don't think it is a good idea for children to have a computer in their room that is connected to the internet. By having internet-connected computers out in the open, everyone is able to see what is being accessed. It is also easy to help your children deal with any inappropriate content that pops up.

3. Budgeting Internet Time: It is very easy to lose track of time and wander aimlessly while online because there is no definite stopping point when you are online. I don't know about your children, but most begin to press links and buttons and enter random search terms when they start getting bored online.... they wander. It is very easy to stumble across inappropriate material if you wander aimlessly online. In order to prevent that from happening, the best thing to do is to budget how much time your children spend online (Budgeting online time is also beneficial for other things as well). Children should not have free reign of online access until they have learned how to budget their online time themselves.

Those are just some ideas when it comes to limiting the accessibility of online content. Next time we'll look at helping children be intentional with their use of the internet.

Do You Know What Your Kids Are Looking Up?

There is one question you should always ask your kids when they go online, "What are you going to do?" The reason you ask this (and tell them why) is to reinforce for them that when they go online, they need to have a reason. There are too many harmful things online for our children to simply "surf the web." It also instills in them a sense of accountability. I wouldn't let my children simply wander through the neighborhood without a destination. The same goes for children exploring the more global virtual neighborhood.

Online Family Norton recently published the top 100 searches of kids in 2009. Sitting at number one, two and three are Youtube, Google, and Facebook respectively. Then at four and five? Can you guess? Sex and Porn.

Now, you might be thinking, "That's because this includes teenage boys, and teenage boys are bound to search for stuff like that." Well, when you take a look at the breakdown in ages the number four search for children 7 and under is porn... beating out Club Penguin (#5) and Webkinz (#7).

Before you run to yank the cable modem from the wall, there are some less reactive and more effective ways of helping your children make wise choices on the internet. Over the next few days, I will share some ideas.

In the meantime, I'd love to hear what you all do to help your children navigate the internet with integrity and wisdom.

Teaching through decision making

Families make decisions and solve problems on a daily basis. Parents must make some decisions, and in those cases children need to learn to follow. At other times parents can involve children and help them make wise choices.

Money, for example, provides opportunities for children to make decisions. Parents can teach children how to save, be generous, and plan for purchases. In one family, Kari, age twelve, and Joel, age thirteen, were each given ten dollars for babysitting. Kari saved her money but Joel spent his right away. A few days later when the family was at a museum, Kari and Joel both wanted to buy something at the gift shop. Kari had money but Joel siad, "I wish I would have saved my money so I could buy something here."

It's better for children to learn their lessons with small amounts of money early, than wait and make a costly mistake later on. Joel's parents honored him by allowing him to make mistakes. They didn't say, "I told you so." They simply allowed him to learn from his own experience, but they didn't rescue him either.

Developing good decision-making skills gives kids the ability to define a problem, look at consequences of various alternatives, and then choose the best solution among the options. Having open discussions about decisions and then allowing children to solve some problems for themselves communicates honor to them. It says, "I believe in you. You have what it takes."

Your Child has a Conscience

God has placed a conscience inside your child to help your child do four things: Do what's right, deal with wrongs, be honest, and care about others.

The Bible uses the word conscience 30 times in the New Testament. Twenty of those times by the Apostle Paul, five were written to Timothy to help him understand the importance of the conscience as a young pastor.

The biblical concept of the conscience is important for parents to understand. After all, if it's standard operating equipment inside of your child, placed there by God, you'll want to work with it and help strengthen it.

The conscience helps a child become internally motivated. Unfortunately, many children rely on external prompters, including their parents, to get things done. And unfortunately, many parents encourage their kids in that direction by over-emphasizing bribes and threats.

We're not suggesting that you have to get rid of the rewards and punishments. We do know though that the primary goal is to help children develop an internal motivation to do the right thing.

Be on the lookout for internal motivation in your kids and affirm it. When your child takes initiative to help, apologizes for wrong, tells the truth, or does the right thing even when it's tough, use the opportunity to affirm the God-given initiative coming from the heart.

As you work to strengthen and develop the conscience in your child, you'll see more and more internal movivation. When you focus on the conscience good things happen.

10 Questions part 9 and 10

9. How does your child handle emotions?

Although emotions are God given, they have to be managed or they can damage relationships. Proverbs 29:11 tells us, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Self-control is important. The conscience can help children by prompting them when their emotions have crossed the line. Even positive emotions like excitement can get out of control resulting in a person becoming irritating to others or not knowing when to quit. Many children need help understanding and managing their emotions. Spend extra time this year helping your children develop emotional control. It will help them for the rest of their lives.

10. How is your child's personal relationship with God?

One of the purposes of the conscience is to point to God (Romans 2:15). Every person has a conscience as an internal witness to the fact that God exists. The conscience points to sin in our lives and salvation cleanses the conscience (Hebrews 10:22). Talking about the conscience with children can be an excellent way to help them develop a personal faith.

A biblical understanding of the conscience reveals that it is part of God's internal motivation system that functions best when it is cleansed through salvation, empowered by the Holy Spirit, and relies on God's Word. Then it can help children to do what's right, deal with wrongs, be honest, and care about others.

10 Questions part 7 and 8

7. How does your child handle temptation?

One of the enemies of the conscience is temptation. We all want our kids to be like Daniel in the Bible. Daniel 1:8 says "Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself with the portion of the king's meat." We all want our children to grow up to withstand temptation. That work starts now but children need a plan. Heroes have a plan to handle the temptations of life. Spend time talking to your children about tempting situations and start developing hypothetical plans to deal with real life situations. Remind children that God has placed within them a conscience and the Holy Spirit to remind them to do what's right and avoid wrongs, even when parents aren't around.

8. Is your child internally motivated?

Many children rely on parental prompters to get things done or correct wrongs. Children with a strong conscience are internally motivated in these areas instead of waiting for external prompters. Of course, many parents get stuck in the middle, always having to tell their kids to do even the smallest things. Take time this year to help your children manage themselves, watch the clock, lok at a room before they leave it to see if they've left something undone behind. Affirm children for signs of maturity in this area. The conscience is part of God's internal motivation system. It needs to be developed.

10 Questions Part 5 and 6

5. Does your child show genuine care for others?

Caring about others is another prompting of the conscience and is certainly one of the characteristics of heroes. Unfortunately, some children are rather self-focused, self-absorbed, and cold-hearted. They need work in the development of their consciences in this area. One idea is to plan ways to care for others. Stories like the Good Samaritan help children recognize the responsibility they have to show kindness to others. You might end each day by asking, "What random act of kindness did you do today?" That question asked regularly provides accountability and an expectation that in your family, you're out to be heroes in practical ways by caring for others.

6. How does your child handle correction?

Many children view correction as an enemy, some sign of inadequacy or unworthiness. But the Bible has a different take on correction. Proverbs 6:23 tells us, "The corrections of discipline are the way to life." That means that correction is one of the ways that we learn. You can learn by reading a book, watching a video, listening to a coach, or doing some research. But another valuable way to learn is through correction. Of course, in order for children to value correction, many parents need to value it first, instead of seeing it as an interuptions in their lives. This year plan margin into your life for correction. After all, correction times are often great opportunities for heart work.

10 Questions to Evaluate the Strenth of your child's conscience part 3 and 4

3. How does your child handle mistakes and offenses?

Another sign of maturity is the ability to respond well when you've done the wrong thing. After all, the conscience prompts people on the inside when they've hurt someone, made a mistake, or done the wrong thing. But many kids don't know how to respond well to offenses. Instead, they react by blaming, rationalizing, justifying, and getting angry. Kids need a plan for dealing with wrongs. Plan to spend extra time this year teaching children how to handle their mistakes and offenses, learn from them, experience forgiveness, and move forward in life.

4. How is your child doing with honesty?

The conscience prompts a person to be honest. In fact, when you lie, cheat, or steal, the conscience provides a prompting in your heart that you've done the wrong thing. Spend some time teaching your kids how valuable integrity is. It has a number of practical benefits like receiving the benefit of the doubt, the privilege of privacy, the enjoyment of trustworthiness and most importantly, a peace on the inside, instead of the fear of wondering when you'll get caught.

10 Questions to Evaluate the Strenth of your Child's Conscience part 1 and 2

As you enter the new year, take a few minutes and consider your own parenting. You might want to set some goals for your child's development this year. The following questions can be used in your family to help your children understand the biblical concept of the conscience and then take practical steps to strengthen it.

1. How is your child doing at taking initiative?

One of the sings of maturity at any age is learning to see what needs to be done and doing it. Part of the conscience training is helping children to be more sensitive to things that need to be done. But seeing the problem isn't good enough. Responding is also importnat. Heroes look for things that are out of place or need to be fixed, and they take action. Talk to your kids about being heroes now, in the small things of life. After all David didn't start being a hero by killing Goliath. He started by demonstrating responsibility with the sheep, practicing his musical instrument, and learning the skill of using his sling. Being a hero starts in the small things of life.

2. What convictions does your child have?

All children have convictions. Some are erroneous or just simply wrong. For example, some children believe that if a brother is irritating then they have the right to punch him. Others believe that they should be able to get to the next level of the video game before responding to Mom's instructions. The conscience uses convictions for making decisions. The best convictions come from the Bible. Choose to make this year a year of helping children understand how God's Word is relevant for their lives.