How to Connect Emotionally with Your Kids

You must be proactive to maintain closeness with your children. Start by asking yourself the important question, "How does my child like to be loved?" Your son may enjoy cuddling, a back rub, or a big hug, because physical touch communicates love to him. Your daughter may thrive on affirmation, because she longs for Mom or Dad's approval. Another child may just enjoy talking and being with you, playing a game, reading a book, or watching TV together. Each child is different. If you have trouble knowing what helps your children feel loved, ask them. They often have insights that get you thinking in the right direction.

Closeness with children is important in and of itself, but it doesn't stop there. Once you open a window of emotional closeness, you earn the right to communicate more directly to your children's hearts. They're more willing to hear you out or enter into conversation about sensitive issues. Be cautious, though. An open heart is a fragile place. Some parents go in with swords and clubs where tweezers are needed. A heart closes much faster than it opens, so be careful with the opportunities you have.

One mom told this story: "Every time I asked my five-year-old, Jason, to do anything, he resisted me. He argued, complained, and had a bad attitude. I wasn't getting anywhere with him, and our relationship seemed to be getting worse. Then he got sick. It was just the flu for a couple of days, but during that time he wanted me to hold him and cuddle with him. He just seemed to soak in the affection. I felt like we connected on a deeper level during those moments.

After he was well again, he seemed to be more responsive to me for about a week. Then old patterns returned. I decided to try something. One afternoon I asked him if he'd like me to rock him in our rocker. Surprisingly, he said yes. For about twenty minutes he seemed to cherish the attention. Amazingly, he was more responsive to me the rest of the day. In fact, I felt more nurturing to him as well, and I'm sure that came across in my attitude toward him. I think we both need for me to hold him often. The cuddling contributes to greater cooperation between us."

Some parents have a natural ability to communicate effectively. Often in a family, one parent finds this easier than the other. Learn from each other what works, and respect the communication skills each parent has. Over the years you'll probably go back and forth with the ability to get close to your kids. Sometimes you'll connect with one kid in a special way, but then turn around and try to connect with another child, it just doesn't seem to work. Kids aren't cookie dough, waiting to be pressed into shape. The family dynamic is always in flux and we, as parents, must be ready to adjust.

In the continuing search for practical suggestions for achieving emotional connectedness, there are several categories. In the next post I want you to view these as gifts you give to your child. Sometimes these gifts are tangible, like a toy, new clothes, or an unexpected activity. However, unless the gift matches a desire in their hearts, children may not appreciate the gesture of kindness.

Furthermore, some children are demanding, always asking for more and wanting things they can't have. At those moments, it's tempting for parents to give in for the sake of relationships. That's rarely helpful; instead, those gifts tend to feel an indulgent attitude and compromise standards and values. When children are demanding, they need more limits and more "no" answers to their requests.

But even these children need gifts of love. The intangible gifts we give our children usually touch the heart more effectively than the tangible ones. Kids need gestures of kindness, such as making their favorite dinner or giving a back rub.

Next post we will talk about eleven categories of heart gifts you can give your children.