Not all of these work with every child, but with a little experimentation, you'll find ones that will connect with your kids in significant ways. These ideas are just meant to get you started. Create a list that contains ways to connect emotionally with each child. Doing these things one-on-one helps tremendously, so plan some time with each child alone. You may want to set a goal of ten minutes a day or an hour or two a week. Undoubtedly your life situation and child's needs will help dictate what's reasonable for you, but remember that it's always a challenge to move from the status quo. Stretch yourself in some new ways, and you and your child will both benefit.
1. Talking. Tell stories about interesting things that are happening in your life. Children often like to hear you describe events from your own childhood. Don't feel like you have to tie a lesson into the story. Just tell it to them as if you were relating the details to a friend. Talk about their childhood, too. Kids love to hear about what they were like as babies and young children.
2. Listening. Your kids have stories, too. Ask questions and take an interest in their activities and their day. Ask them about favorite things they enjoy and let them share their opinions. Once they start talking, draw them out with more questions. Ask your child for advice and genuinely listen.
3. Touching. A hug or a gentle hand on a shoulder communicates warmth and love. Try moving out of your comfort zone by giving a hug when you otherwise might not. With practice, you'll learn how and when to touch your child.
4. High-energy activities. Kids love excitement. Play games with them. Preschoolers love hide and seek. Play with lots of energy and even silliness. Older children often enjoy interactive, fast-paced card games. Some children prefer to watch and others prefer to play. Look for exciting activities to enjoy together.
5. Interests. What does your child like? Children may be interested in animals, airplanes, cooking, or race cars. Look for ways to share your child's interests. They may not be your favorite, but they become bridges to a greater sense of closeness.
6. Special treats. Gifts of love don't have to cost a lot of money. Buy your son's favorite ice cream or pick up some corn on the cob because you know he likes it. Give your daughter the fancy little flashlight that came in the mail. Stop on the way home for a milk shake or check out a book from the library you know your child will enjoy.
7. Partnering. Find a service project you can do together. Team-teach Sunday school, make a meal and deliver it to a friend who's sick, visit with nursing-home residents, or fix a car. Find a task and work at it together as teammates. Consider allowing the child to lead and you be the assistant.
8. Praise. Offer genuine praise for a job well done. Communicate gratefulness and affirm growth in character you see in your child. If someone gives you a good report about your child, pass on the praise. Admire something about your child and communicate it.
9. Fun. Be silly, tell jokes, or wrestle with your kids. Be playful. Use squirt guns, run around the house, play it up, and generate a fun moment.
10. New times in a child's life. The first day of school, the trip to the orthodontist for braces, setting up a bank account, a girl's first period, or a first airline flight all can set the stage to connect emotionaly. Be there and available to share the moment.
11. Traumatic events. A bad grade, an unfair teacher, a trip to the emergency room, or the death of a pet all provide opportunities to develop closeness. Remember that the most important thing isn't fixing the problem, it's restoring the heart.
In short, enjoy your kids and have fun with them. Take an interest in their lives. If you don't feel like it, do it anyway. Your kids need your playfulness, love, affection, and joy. When you give to your kids, you contribute to their well-being and your family's strength. Yes, it's sacrifice, but the time you put in now will go a long way toward reducing friction when it's time to confront or discipline.
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