Discipling your Child

Who Gets The Most Out of a Teaching

2010-05-19T09:20:00.001-05:00

Perhaps the most exciting thing that happens when we begin to follow the example of Jesus in teaching our children is personal growth. As we begin to teach on a regular basis, our teaching “muscle” grows and becomes stronger.

Jesus was constantly teaching His disciples; is it possible for parents to do the same? Yes and no. Needless to say, none of us can measure up to Jesus. On the other hand, we can become MORE like Jesus in the way we teach our children!

You don’t need to be trained

Now before you get all worried and intimidated about being an “expert” bible teacher, let me say this. There is a common myth in Christian circles that we must be trained and/or certified prior to attempting to teach. This thought process flows from the world’s educational system, but this is not a biblical pattern. Take a look at Jesus and His disciples. None of them were certified! Acts 4:13 Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated and untrained men, they marveled. And they realized that they had been with Jesus. The disciples were average men; fishermen, tax collectors, tent makers, etc and they turned the world upside down for Jesus Christ. Acts 17:6b “These who have turned the world upside down have come here too. These untrained, uneducated men changed the world. So can we!

The word of God is powerful, more powerful than a two edged sword. If we can read the word of God aloud, then we have what it takes to do the job. The Holy Scripture will do the work if we will simply commit to reading it aloud to our family. As we begin to read the bible, God begins the process of equipping us. Sometimes His Holy Spirit will bring something in His word to our remembrance as we read it. We can share that thought with our family. We can ask questions about what we just read. As our children get older, we can allow them to take a turn to teach God’s word. As the word of God promises, His word will powerfully transform our lives if we will simply be faithful to read it aloud.

Other tools and strategies

If you want a little more help, you can get a Study Bible. Study bibles explain the meaning of God’s word at the bottom of each page. This can help you to teach scriptural truths to your family. As we begin to expound upon God’s word, all we need to do is to stay one lesson ahead of our children. If we will prepare a little in advance, the Lord will give us plenty to teach! But even if we simply read God’s word without a comment, the Lord will make a positive impact on your family.

Keep Connections Open

2010-05-18T08:29:00.001-05:00

Some of the ways parents relate to their children work against emotional closeness. Be careful not to undermine your own efforts with actions that close your child’s heart. Here are a few examples of things to avoid:

1. Using anger as discipline. Angry responses, sarcasm, and mean words may seem justified at the moment, but they do more harm than good. Anger builds walls in family life. Firmness is important with children, but harshness hinders closeness.

2. Focusing on problem-solving instead of empathy. When children begin to open up emotionally, they reveal problems so obvious that you may have trouble resisting the urge to fix them. Be careful that, in your desire to solve problems, you don’t lose the emotional connectedness that comes through vulnerability.

3. Lecturing is another common pitfall that prevents emotional growth. Just because you have an important truth to communicate doesn’t mean your child is ready to learn. Some children shut down and just tolerate a lecture, missing much of the content. Teaching is valuable, but kids need parents to be creative and sensitive for them to learn life lessons.

4. Too much criticism also hinders emotional connectedness. It may seem that the fastest way to change children is to point out when they miss the mark, but efficiency may miss effectiveness. Children often perceive parents as critical, so be careful how you share negative information. Parents who use children’s mistakes as examples of what not to do often give the impression that the child can’t measure up—which, of course, decreases the child’s willingness to open up.
As you work with your child, remember that a soft heart is an open heart. We need to look for ways to connect before we can impact the heart.

Why You Should Let Your Child Fail; The Benefits of Natural Consequences

2010-05-17T16:53:00.001-05:00

Watching your child fail makes you feel helpless, angry and sad. You worry about everything from your child’s self-esteem and social development to their future success. James Lehman explains that while it’s natural for parents to worry about failure, there are times when it can be productive for kids—and a chance for them to change.

"Failure is an opportunity to get your child to look at himself."

Parents tell me all the time that they fear their child will fail in life. When I ask them what specifically they’re afraid of their child failing, usually it’s school-related—a certain subject, or perhaps a grade level. The thinking of most parents is, once you start failing in school, it’s hard to catch up. For many parents, it creates a crisis in the family when their child fails in a subject or gets bad grades. And I understand that.

I’d like to talk about the word “crisis” for a minute. It’s often stated that the Chinese symbol for “crisis” is a combination of the symbols for “danger” and “opportunity.” I think that parents see the danger part very clearly in a crisis, but often they don’t see the opportunity: your child has the opportunity to learn an important lesson. The lesson might be about the true cost of cutting corners, what happens when he doesn’t do his best at something, or what the real consequences are for not being productive. It might be a chance for your child to learn the cost of misleading and lying to his parents about how much work he’s actually done or what grades he’s receiving. I think if your child misleads and he gets a failing grade, that’s the natural consequence for his behavior and he should experience the discomfort of his choices.

Many of the parents I see are uncomfortable with this at first. Instead of allowing their child to fail, they try to get the teacher to change the grade. Believe me, if a parent is in the martyr role, they’re going to go up and fight for their child in school—and they’re going to believe they’re right. But sadly, what their child is going to learn is that they don’t have to take responsibility for their ineffective behavior—that somebody else is going to fight for them. Let me be clear: when you try to change the actions of people around your child so he won’t feel disappointed or upset, your child is not going to learn the lesson you imagine he’s going to learn. And not only that, he’s also not going to learn math, or science, or whatever it is he’s been avoiding. Worst of all, he’s not even going to learn to not be duplicitous in the future. What he is going to learn is that “It’s OK. If I screw up enough, Mom will take care of it.” Or “Dad has more power than the teacher, so he can take care of it.”

Once again we see the danger of your child thinking that power can solve his problems. When that conclusion is made, he learns that power can replace responsibility. In a healthier equation, schoolwork problems are dealt with by the child who gradually takes more responsibility in doing his homework. The power emanates from the responsibility-taking. But if a parent goes and fights with the school and gets the teacher to change the grade, then the power is coming from the wrong place. Your child is going to learn that power trumps responsibility. In fact, he will learn that the power of being manipulative and threatening is more valuable than actually being accountable and doing the work competently.

Many parents have reasons to justify their defense of their child. They may cite the unfairness of the school system, their child’s learning difficulties or behavioral problem, the principal’s attitude, or the prior history of their child at the school. I understand that those things can be very real. It’s easier to fight with the teacher than it is to fight with your child. It’s just that simple. And it’s easier to change the teacher—or even the school rules—than to get your child to change.

I think if your child didn’t do his homework, ignored a project that was due, or lied and misled you or his teacher, the fact remains that it’s his responsibility to experience the natural consequences of his actions. And the biggest consequence is that your child has failed. To me, this is not the end of the world, it’s a lesson, just like anything else designed to help him see that he’s not making the grade. Receiving a failing grade is a gauge of how he’s doing, and if he’s failed something, he needs to solve the problem responsibly.

A word about lying: another thing you should ask yourself is if your child is being dishonest or manipulative about his homework, what else is he being dishonest and manipulative about? And when he’s supposed to be studying after school, what is he really doing? This opens up other questions because we know if somebody is duplicitous in one area, that behavior can spread to other areas quickly. Failing a subject in school is one thing, sudden changes in performance across the board is another.

I believe if your child fails a subject or even fails the year, if you’re addressing the problem, you’re starting to solve it. It’s an opportunity to get your child to make some changes. Failure is an opportunity to get your child to look at himself. Part of parents’ sensitivity to this is that if their child fails, they feel like they’ve failed, too. So they’re hyper-sensitive to that, and I understand. It’s tough to be a parent who works hard and does the best he or she can, and then have your kids fail. You want to say, “What more can I do?” But the question really is, “What more can my child do?” It’s not “What am I not doing as a parent?” It’s “What is he not doing as a student?” That’s the right question to ask yourself.

The Benefits of Letting Your Child Feel Discomfort
I think when we talk about failure and what your child can learn from it, we’re really talking about the benefits of allowing your child to feel discomfort. And when I say discomfort, I mean worry, fear, disappointment, and the experience of having consequences for your actions. I think instinctively parents really don’t want their kids to feel uncomfortable about anything, even when they know that sometimes it’s beneficial for their child to pay a price for their choices. And so some parents will fight at the school, they will fight with other parents, they will fight with their kids. They will fight with anybody to claim their child’s right to never feel uncomfortable.

Somehow in our culture, protecting your child from discomfort—and the pain of disappointment—has become associated with effective parenting. The idea seems to be that if your child suffers any discomfort or the normal pain associated with growing up, there’s something you’re not doing as a parent. Personally, I think that’s a dangerous trap parents fall into. While I don’t think situations should be sought out where a child is uncomfortable, I do think if that child is uncomfortable because of some natural situation or consequence, you should not interfere.

Look at it this way: when a child is feeling upset, frustrated, angry or sad, they’re in a position to develop some important coping skills. The first thing they learn is to avoid similar situations. So if your child is called on in class to answer a homework question and he didn’t do it, he can learn to avoid that by doing his homework—not by having his mother tell the teacher not to call on him anymore because it makes him feel bad.

The other thing that happens is that your child builds up a tolerance for discomfort, an emotional callous, if you will, and I think that’s very valuable. Discomfort is such a part of our life, whether you’re squeezed into a subway car, waiting in line at the supermarket, or passed over for a promotion. Everyone experiences difficult things from time to time, which will make you uncomfortable and frustrated. It’s so important for your child to be able to learn how to manage those situations and to develop a tolerance for them. And make no mistake, if he doesn’t learn to tolerate discomfort, he’s going to be a very frustrated adolescent and adult.

So I advise parents to let your kid wait in line—don’t try to figure out how to cut ahead. When your child is starting to get frustrated, point it out. You can say, “Yeah, I know it’s frustrating to wait, but this is the way we have to do it.” Suggest a coping skill.

When you shield your child from discomfort, what he learns is that he should never have to feel anything unpleasant in life. He develops a false sense of entitlement. He learns that he doesn’t really have to be prepared in school, because his parents will complain to the teacher, who will stop calling on him or expecting his homework to be in on time. He learns that his parents will raise the tolerance for deviance. If his parents are successful, the teacher will tolerate less compliance from him because of his parents’ intervention. He learns to confront a problem with power rather than dealing with it through responsibility and acceptance.

How to Talk to Your Child about Failing: 3 Questions Parents Should Ask
Whether dealing with feelings of discomfort or feelings of failure, there are three simple questions parents can ask their child.

1. “What part did you play in this?”
That’s what you want your child to learn, because that’s all he can change. The lesson stems from there. Your child might say, “I don’t know what part I played, Dad.” You can respond by saying, “Well, let’s think about it. Where did you get off track? Where did things go wrong for you?” If your child doesn’t know, you can say, “Well, it seems to me you got off track when you didn’t have your homework ready when your teacher called on you. The part you played was not being prepared. And the solution to that is getting prepared.” Your child may agree with you, or he may try to offer some defense. But any defense that’s offered is not going to be legitimate as long as you’re speaking in the context of “What part did you play?” You just need to point out, “Well, it seems to me like you’re making an excuse for not having your homework done.” Or “Seems to me you’re blaming me for not having your homework done.” Or “It looks to me like you’re blaming your teacher for not having your homework done.”—whatever the case may be.

2. “What are you going to do differently next time?”
So it’s, “What are you going to do differently the next time when you have to do your homework?” Or “What are you going to do differently next time so that if your teacher calls on you, you won’t get embarrassed?” Or “What are you going to do differently next time to pass the test?” This is a big question in this conversation with your child, because it gets him to see other, healthier ways of responding to the problem.

3. “What did you learn from this?”
“What did you learn from being embarrassed when your teacher called on you?” “What did you learn from not passing the test?” Put the responsibility back on your child. If you take his responsibility over, it’s just going to become a power struggle. With all the problems that exist in education today, the last thing you need is to be in a power struggle with your child’s teacher.

Now you may say, “Well you don’t understand, my child’s teacher is different.” I do understand that. There are effective teachers and ineffective teachers. But let me ask you this: when is your child going to learn to deal with ineffective teachers? Where do you think your child is going to learn to deal with injustice? Part of learning—for everyone—involves feeling uncomfortable at times. Part of loving your child responsibly means that you need to let him feel discomfort, and even fail, as long as he’s learning how to be accountable for his actions in the process.

"I'm So Exhausted": 4 Tips to Combat Parental Burnout

2010-05-12T07:52:00.002-05:00

Are you often exhausted as a parent? Do you regularly feel drained, overwhelmed and off-balance when it comes to raising your kids? It’s hard for every parent, but when your children have tough behavioral problems, like ADHD, frequent defiance or other chronic acting-out behaviors, the task of raising them to adulthood can sometimes feel like you’re climbing a mountain without adequate supplies or the right equipment. This week, Erin Schlicher, a mom and parental support line advisor for the Total Transformation Program, gives you some concrete advice on how to juice up your parental batteries and get back on firmer ground.

Whether the calls come in late in the evening, first thing in the morning, or somewhere in between, a common element I hear from parents—and particularly mothers—who are calling the Parental Support Line is that they are feeling utterly worn out. Given that parenting even an average or “easy” child is hard work, parenting a more challenging or acting-out child is enough to run anyone ragged.

The fatigue that can come with mother or fatherhood (or for whom ever is doing the primary amount of parenting) is certainly not glamorous or boast-worthy, but it is a legitimate daily struggle for many of us. It should be said that there is a range of different types of exhaustion. The spectrum includes—but is not limited to—physical exhaustion, feeling burnt out, bored, frustrated, and a feeling of being defeated or fed-up. Of course, it is highly likely that a parent will have some blend of a few or even all of these. Understanding what type of tiredness is plaguing you can in turn lead to picking the approach most likely to help you reconnect with the energy necessary to face the challenges of parenthood. Remember, you must secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others!

From what I have heard from callers, the most taxing form of being tired is one that leaves them feeling disempowered, defeated, and unable to easily see a solution—trapped in that black and white thinking that makes you feel hopeless and alone. Once you find yourself stuck in this tough spot, it’s difficult to conjure up the energy to set the wheels in motion to change it. Luckily, the small steps that parents make to change can quickly add up to a complete overhaul and a renewed sense of hope.

How did I get here?

Think back to the time of B.K. (before kids) and recall the images and dreams that came to mind when contemplating parenthood. Odds are, even if you were not wearing those dangerous rose-colored glasses, you likely did not anticipate the degree to which parenthood would stretch and test your abilities. How could you? Parenthood is an endurance marathon that you cannot train for, and certain moments of the journey will be exhilarating while others will sap your energy. Juggling the demands of a family is an incredible feat that warrants respect and appreciation—though you may not see a whole lot of this from your kids until they are much older. In the meantime, finding ways to refuel and adjust one’s perspective will help maintain sanity and effectiveness, while allowing us to tap in to the joy that children can bring. Whether you have recently found yourself bogged down or it is an accumulation that occurred over the years, here are a handful of tips that might perk you up.

1. Be a “Good Enough” Parent
While not a new story, the modern day mother is under so much pressure to “do it all.” As a culture, we tend to value the image of the parent who pours every ounce of themselves into providing perfect lives for their children. However, James Lehman would say that being a “good enough” parent, who is consistently caring for your kids, is the key. You don’t have to be a flawless Super Mom to raise your children well. In fact, attempting to always provide an extraordinary experience for your children at any cost can lead to burn out. So cut yourself some slack in order to stay the course! Achieving a relative balance between meeting the needs of your family as well as caring for yourself may result in expanded reserves for all.

2. Find Support
When you find that you are running on fumes, utilize supports you already have in place or seek new ones. This can mean calling on grandparents, friends, or babysitters to provide you with a little respite from the kids every so often to recharge. Do your best to use this time to do something restorative for yourself—exercise, relax, have lunch with your spouse, grab coffee with a friend—whatever lifts your spirit. Reconnect with the aspects of yourself that are not exhausted from parenting a difficult child.

Since it is not always a readily available option to have someone else help with childcare, many parents rely on other methods of support. Online communities likeEmpowering Parents, as well as social networking sites, are a lifeline to a growing number of parents who may otherwise find themselves somewhat isolated. Advising parents who contact the Parental Support Line has been a distinct privilege, as I have been able to lend a kind ear to folks all over the country and beyond. Having supports in place positively impacts the whole family.

3. Expand Your Toolbox
We all have a unique set of parenting tools that we have acquired along the way. Some were learned from our parents, some from parenting resources, education or even media, while others may have been purely intuitive. If you are similar to most people, you likely have some skills that are more effective than others. So, while we are just doing the best we can for our children, experimenting with new approaches to managing behavior may help you discover what will work best in your situation. There are resources online, parenting classes, and counselors who can help. James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program is another effective tool for parents. It’s designed to provide you with concrete tools that they can begin utilizing immediately.

At the same time, it is important to understand that change is a process—certain behaviors may change immediately, while others will require more time. It is frustrating and disempowering not to know how to handle the challenges that arise with raising kids and there is no shame in trying to better equip oneself. Making this step could be exactly what is needed to pick up momentum.

4. Recognize and Focus on the Positive
When someone calls the Parental Support Line and shares an extensive list of problems they are having with their child in rapid-fire style, finding the right moment to inquire about what is going well for them can do wonders to soften their stance. When people are discouraged and tired, it is difficult to see the positive. In those trying times, practice reminding yourself of some of the areas in which your child excels or is making progress. Acknowledging small successes and building off of strengths are the steppingstones to scaling mountains. Do not forget the power of praise and recognition!

I think the following quote from Mother Teresa explains this aspect of parenting beautifully: “Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.”

My interpretation of her message is not that we should literally be able to love without experiencing some fatigue from the output of energy, but rather, that it is our personal responsibility to be as balanced as possible in order to consistently offer love. It is inevitable that parents will encounter stress during the process of raising their children, but it is up to each of us to care for ourselves so that we may best care our families.

Life Rules for Teenagers

2010-05-11T08:00:00.001-05:00

Life Rules for Teenagers

By Mark Gregston

This week I thought I'd pass on some classic words of wisdom from Charles J. Sykes, author of the 1996 book Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can't Read, Write, Or Add. These rules have been incorrectly attributed to a number of other people over the years. Most recently, emails have been circulating stating erroneously that they were a part of a speech presented to high school graduates by Bill Gates.

In any event, these rules are timeless, humorous, and so very true. They caught my attention, so I think they will catch yours as well.

Life Rules for Teenagers

Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "It's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No. 1.

Rule No. 2: The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he's not going to ask you how you feel about it.

Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule No. 6: It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it, or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn't. In some schools, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone's feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4.)

Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we're at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs.

Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for "expressing yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.

Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.

Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. You're welcome.

Developing Rules & Boundaries For Your Teen (complimentary e-book by Mark Gregston)

In a world where conflict, confusion, and turmoil surround our teen culture, it's difficult for parents to correct, confront, and be firm with their teens who display inappropriate behavior, or show a need for some help to mature and develop responsibility. In this new e-book, Mark provides helpful steps for parents to balance their role between confidant and disciplinarian. DOWNLOAD NOW >>

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight Ministries, a residential counseling program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas. Web: www.heartlightministries.org Phone: 903-668-2173.

Be a Coach to Your Children

2010-05-10T08:16:00.000-05:00

I'm sure that as you look around you see other families who have rather strange relationships with their kids. Some parents seem to have a boss/servant relationship with their children, as if the parents own their kids. They order them around as if they were slaves, being demanding about obedience and respect.

Others act like policemen allowing children to do anything they want within boundaries. When the children move outside the boundaries then the parent blows the whistle to get them back in line. Other parents have a little prince relationship with their children. These parents go out of their way to make their children happy, sometimes trying to make up for their own unhappiness as a child.

A better analogy is the one that views the parent as a coach. Your children need training every day, involving teaching, correcting, firmness, and encouragement. A coach builds a relationship with the child, recognizes weaknesses and equips the child to succeed. When a runner falls down, a good coach doesn't condemn but motivates to excellence through support and encouragement. The coach and the athlete are both on the same side, working to make that young person successful.

Don't let childish problems like anger, impulsiveness, or meanness motivate you to become an opponent to your children, allowing the problem to come between you. Instead, partner with your children, moving the problem to the side, with you and your child working together to conquer it. Your attitude in conflict will mean all the difference for a child who needs to be coached out of immaturity. Children need to know that their parents believe in them. It helps them in the deepest areas of their hearts.

In what ways do you see yourself as a coach to your kids?

Hope for Parenting the "Me" Generation

2010-04-26T08:16:00.001-05:00

Hope for Parenting the "Me" Generation

By Mark Gregston

Baby Boomers were so bent on having better relationships with their children than they had with their own parents, they tended to set aside their primary role as parents. Their desire to be their child's best friend spawned a self-centered, demanding, "Me Generation" who believes the world revolves around them.

Parenting in Past Generations -- Too Rigid

As I've grown older, I see more with the eyes of my heart than I do with those on each side of my big nose. And the aging process has brought me to a greater understanding of my own mom and dad's parenting style. I've learned that things really weren't as bad as I used to think they were.

My dad, like yours, was less than relational; his focus was on providing for his family. Working at the same job for 38 years; providing was his way of showing love for his family. He demanded respect. He taught us to be responsible because that's the way he was taught, and he wanted us to live the same way.

My father worked hard because he grew up during the Great Depression, and he knew first-hand the challenges of having little to live on. He also saw to it that our family was protected. Food was always on the table, a roof was always over our head, we all went to college, and the enemy he fought in the South Pacific never marched on our homeland.

Parenting in Today's Generation -- Too Relational

Then, the 60's and 70's came along. Some called it a revolution. Millions of "Baby Boomers" fell head over heels toward relationships and feelings of love for all mankind. Our music and lifestyle expressed our desire for universal peace and love. We swooned to lyrics like "all you need is love," and "smile on your brother; everybody get together; try to love one another right now." There was a "whole lotta' love" going around. And we "showered the people we love with love...showing them the way that we feel." Then we took our desire for peace, love and affection right into our parenting style.

Baby boomers as parents focused on maintaining peace and love, at all costs. We determined to have better, stronger relationships with our kids than we had with our parents; carrying out these normally good and healthy desires to an extreme. Out of financial abundance, we gave our kids everything they ever wanted, and more. Modern conveniences allowed for more free time and less responsibility. Soccer moms equipped with minivans shuttled kids from one event or activity to another, with stops at McDonald's in-between. We indulged, spoiled and provided too much "stuff" as misguided expressions of our love.

But Love and Friendships Are Good, Aren't They?

What's wrong with too much love? Nothing! But there is something wrong with it if it is our only focus. To put it bluntly, placing kids on a pedestal and focusing our lives on them created feelings of entitlement. Kids began equating our love with our pocket book and our willingness to do things for them. Their thrills in life came from getting new toys, new clothes, new honors, and new excitements. They became demanding, selfish, adrenalin junkies, searching daily for new thrills. When the excitement ended or the money train slowed, they became angry. We wanted to be the best parents ever, but the more we focused our attention and our money on our kids, the more they fell into anxiety, depression, and outright defiance. After all, they wouldn't admit it, but deep down they were terrified for what they would do after they left the comforts and indulgences of home. Perhaps you have a teenager fitting this description living in your home right now?

I've had the privilege of getting to know over 3,000 such teenagers in our Heartlight counseling program (www.heartlightministries.org) over the past 20 years. These are kids whose parents loved them greatly and gave them every convenience and materialistic advantage in life, yet they developed so many emotional problems that they had to be taken out of their homes. So, I've seen this phenomenon thousands of times; and we continue to receive dozens of pleas for help from parents of out of control teenagers every day.

The crux of the matter is that it is hard to be a good parent when our focus is on having peace, love and friendship with our children. This becomes especially difficult in step-families and some adoptive families. The crucial role of correcting and holding children accountable is impossible when our overriding concern is to avoid any form of damage to our friendship. But what we need to realize is that our children need parents first, not more friends.

So, the big question is this: How do parents establish their position of authority, while alsomaintaining their relationship with their teen? In other words, how do we find a proper balance without swinging the pendulum too far the other way?

Tell your teenager..."I desire to stand beside you and walk with you in life...
but make no mistake; I will stand in front of you when I need to."

Parenting the Right Way - Balanced

A simple answer is to say things like "No" and "Maybe" more often; and we need to apply boundaries and consequences when our kids cross over the line. Balanced parenting is applying strength when needed; and tenderness at the same time. It is not just one or the other, it is both. The essence of balance in parenting is to stand beside our children and walk with them through life, while also determining to stand in front of them when we need to stop them from their foolish ways.

Kids learn quickly when they come to live with us at Heartlight that I am an authority in their life. But that is always coupled with acceptance and love. That's why we continue to have great relationships with them over the years. I can't count how many times I've been asked to come to their college graduations or weddings, or who have connected with me on the Internet or by phone. And most of them have turned out great, so I know there is hope, even with the most difficult and selfish teenagers. There is a way to resolve this dilemma, but it takes a balanced approach.

Our goal should be to help our kids get to where they want to be, and keep them from going to a place they really don't want to end up. But since they are too immature to know any better, we need to remain in control, no matter how upset it makes them temporarily. Then, as they mature in their thinking, the reins can be gradually released. Believe me, your kids will express their appreciation when they are older for holding them in line as teenagers, and they'll realize that you did it out of love, not to be mean or rigid. In fact, they'll ask for advice when they have children -- and the beat goes on.

Scripture describes God as a mighty warrior and a fierce lion. Scripture also reveals His softer side, "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you" (Isa 66:13). One purpose of parenting is to give a child a taste of the character of God, and that means giving them both sides of His character.

It's never too late to start being a balanced parent; have a loving relationship, while also holding them responsible. Your children need your correction, wisdom, and willingness to help them travel the path God has for them. They need you to be gentle and loving, but also firm -- a clear reflection of both sides of God's character.

A wise man once told me, "When you're called to be a servant, don't stoop to be a king." Parents are never a more like a servant than when they willingly love a child through anything. But don't grow weary in doing what is right, since your first job is to be an authority in your child's life. Your teen needs a parent and a friend, but when push comes to shove, they need a parent more.

Teach Kids to Take a Break

2010-04-22T10:39:00.001-05:00

When children need correction, it's often helpful to have them take a Break. This technique follows a biblical model of correction and focuses on a child's heart, not just behavior. You can use a Break with children as young as two years old and, with modification, you can use it throughout the teen years. Developing this correction routine when children are young gives them a way to handle offenses as they get older as well.

Taking a Break looks like this. When your daughter is arguing, acting wild, demonstrating defiance, or starting to get angry, tell her that she needs to take a Break. The specific place will vary depending on the situation. With young children, that place may be on the floor in front of the refrigerator or near the bookcase, close to where you are working. For older children it may mean sitting on the bottom step or in the hall. The location isn't as important as the mission: settle down and come back ready for a debriefing.

When your child takes a Break, it's important to let him or her help determine the length of time spent there. A child should settle down and then be ready to come back and talk to you. Allowing your child to initiate back when ready is important. If Johnny is ready after a minute and you require that he stay in the Break for fifteen minutes, you may discourage him or miss a teachable moment. On the other hand, if you set the time too short, then you may not be giving enough time for God to fully work. Take the focus off the clock and put it on the heart change that needs to take place.

Your posture, as a parent, is also important. You have the opportunity to stand with open arms, longing for your child to return. It's as if you're saying, "Come on now, settle down, and let's talk about this together."

Luke 15:20 offers us a beautiful image of a father waiting for his rebellious son to come back to him. The son views home as a place of safety and, although he knows he doesn't deserve to return to the same benefits, he realizes that he can come back and Dad will accept him. The dad not only welcomes him home but also reinstates all the benefits of being a son. That same picture is painted each time your child takes a Break. You can be ready and waiting for your child to return to you talk about the problem and then enjoy family life.

Bundles of Joy

2010-04-21T08:11:00.000-05:00

George Barna had posted on their site a survey about kids between the ages of 8-12 that I think could be a useful read for anyone.

Here are just a few things that the kids who Barna had surveyed say are good:

* Eight out of every ten adolescents (79%) feel safe when they are at home

* Two out of every three (69%) say their family eats dinner together at least five nights a week

* 64% say they feel they can always trust their parents to do what is right for the child

One area that the kids had told Barna research group that was not fulfilling their hopes and dreams was their faith.

* Less than four out of every ten young people (38%) said that churches have made a positive difference in their life.

* An even smaller number (34%) said that prayer is very important to them.

I want to bring out one more item of interest that this survey revealed:

The importance of the family in the life of young people was underscored by George Barna, who directed the research. “Much of the stability and security that tweens experience is a result of their family environment and relationships”, he noted. “There are a variety of areas in which that experience is a struggle, but parents must be encouraged to devote themselves to investing themselves in their relationship with their children, and in providing places and opportunities for their children to mature.

Let me encourage every parent out there, myself included. Parenting is not easy, but as we all know it was never told to us that it would be, but we as parents have an obligation to our kids to be involved in their lives. Parents should be knocking down the doors to each of their churches children’s ministries to volunteer to spend time with the most precious gift (their child’s life) that has been given to us by God. In doing this, not only are we helping our children, but we are modeling for those parents who may not attend church as well.

Go and volunteer and enjoy the built in time that your church provides for you to spend with your kids in addition to what you are already doing. Have fun and enjoy the precious gifts that God has given and entrusted into your hands to take the lead in molding and shaping their lives to become more Christ like.

Is It Time To Call The Police on Your Child?

2010-04-20T08:25:00.001-05:00

Is It Time to Call the Police on Your Child? Assaultive Behavior, Verbal or Physical Abuse, Drugs and Crime

There are times when your authority as a parent isn’t enough. If your adolescent has escalated to the point of physical abuse and destruction of property—or if he is engaging in risky or dangerous behavior outside the house—you already know you need help. Calling the police on your child poses a risk that you might not be willing to take, but it’s an option you might want to consider. James Lehman tackles this tough subject in a frank one-on-one interview.

"You should not have to live in fear of your child—and you shouldn't have to live in constant fear of how he will manage in life later on if he’s out of control now."

EP: Many parents feel powerless to stop their out-of-control adolescent’s behavior. They write to EP and say, “My teenage son is bigger than me, and he threatens me physically. I’m afraid of him. What can I do?” James, what would you say to those parents?

James Lehman: To parents who tell me “I’m afraid of my teen,” I say, “I believe you. These kids can be very scary and threatening. But I think if your child doesn't respond to your authority, there's another authority you can call upon if you choose to.”

Kids with behavior problems often make choices that lead to less and less self-control. They'll say and do things which give you the impression that they're out of control, but remember: everything they say and do is a choice. And it's those choices that we need to be concerned about.

Picture your child’s school for a moment—they don't let him assault people, punch holes in the wall or speak in a verbally abusive way to others there. In fact, all the schools I've worked with call the police if a student assaults someone, uses drugs or is destructive. Schools take action because they understand something that parents can lose sight of: kids make the choice to do these things, and as a result, they should be held accountable.

And why do we give somebody a consequence or a reward? To encourage kids to make better choices. If your son can choose to handle his emotions maturely and not curse out his little sister when she's annoying, that's a good choice; we want to reward that. If on the other hand, he chooses to be verbally abusive to his sister, the consequence you give him holds him accountable for that choice. So whenever we're thinking about steps like calling the police, I think the important thing is to understand that kids make choices—your child made the choice to hit you, take drugs or destroy your neighbor’s property. And I believe you should hold him accountable for that by using whatever appropriate means you have at your disposal.

EP: James, what would you say to parents who aren’t comfortable with taking this action?

JL: I know that many parents are alarmed at the idea of calling the police on their kids. And believe me, I really understand that. You’re getting the law and the government involved in your home. Many people are afraid that if they call the police, they'll lose control of the whole process. I also think there’s a social stigma attached to it; many parents are embarrassed by what their neighbors will think if they see the police at their house. They also may feel ashamed of themselves; they question themselves and wonder why they can’t handle their own kid.

I want to be very clear here: it's tough for parents to call the police and it's a very personal decision. It’s not for everyone, and if this option does not work for you or your family, then I think you should listen to your gut feeling. I really think everybody has to honor the choice of the parents. After all, you have to live with yourself for a long time. 30 years from now, your child’s teachers and counselors won't remember him, but you will, and you want to act in a way that you won’t regret later.

EP: James, let’s say a parent has decided that they would be willing to take that risk. How do they know when it’s time to call the police? In other words, what behavior would constitute a good reason for taking this action?

JL: I think you call the police when safety is an issue or when the behavior crosses the line and becomes criminal. This includes when things are getting broken and when people are getting threatened or hurt. To be more specific, if your child grabs a book and throws it across the room, I don't think you call the police. But if he punches holes in the wall or breaks something on purpose, I think you tell him “Next time you lose control like that, I'm going to call the police.” And if he does it again, you follow through.

To put it another way, I think you should consider calling the police when you see a pattern of behavior that's unsafe and threatening to others. Make it clear to your child that “This is the consequence for abusive, destructive or criminal behavior.” And hopefully he will learn from that consequence and make a different choice next time. I think it’s very black and white. When you have a child who is willing to violate the rules of your household—a child who’s willing to climb out the window and stay out all night, break his sister's iPod, punch holes in the wall or push his father or mother or siblings—you need to take very strong action. Believe me, you have a child who’s really in an awful lot of trouble as a person.

Don't forget, one of the things about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is that the trauma comes from feeling like you didn’t have any control over the pain or the stressor. And I think that siblings who grow up with a violent, destructive or explosive brother or sister can be traumatized because they don't know when they’re going to get hit, pushed or verbally abused next. I know from personal experience that many siblings of kids who act out—the brothers and sisters of kids who are assaultive, abusive or destructive—develop PTSD-like symptoms. That's the bottom line.

When I hear from parents in this situation, I think of the terms “domestic violence” and “domestic abuse.” And that's what it is, because somebody in your home is taking advantage of weakness and physically assaulting family members. I think that's when you have to ask yourself, “What do I have to do keep my family safe here? And what am I going to do to help my child learn that he can't behave this way anymore?” For me, calling the police is part of the equation, because they can exercise greater power than you can over your child.

By the way, if this is a choice you’re willing to make, I think you have to let kids know what you’re planning to do. When things are going well, you can say, “The other night you pushed your mother. If that happens again, I'm calling the police.” It’s important to have that kind of plan in place. Let’s say you don’t have a plan and you wind up hitting your child in self-defense. You’re the one who will be arrested and penalized. And not only may you wind up in jail, but the courts are going to blame you for all your kid's previous problems.

I think you should tell your child you're planning to do this and I think you have to be very clear. But remember, if you tell him you're planning to do it, you better well do it. If you don't, then it's just another joke; it's just another bluff. And every time that you bluff your child, he will get more contemptuous of your authority—that's just human nature.

But the bottom line is that you should not have to live in fear of your child—and you shouldn’t have to live in constant fear of how he will manage later on in life if he’s out of control now.

EP: What about parents who are worried that their child will be sent to a juvenile detention center; that he’ll have a record that will follow him for the rest of his life?

JL: I think those are legitimate fears. I can't in good conscience tell you those things won't happen, because they do. But in my 25 years of working with the juvenile justice system, I’ve found that the wheels of justice turn very slowly. If the police come, they might write a report, but they can't do anything if you don't want to press charges. And they'll usually encourage you not to press charges the first or second time you call them. Look at it this way: nobody wants to take custody of your son or daughter; nobody wants to take responsibility for your teenager.

Why are you calling the police? You're calling them to give your adolescent a strong message that you're not going to tolerate his behavior and you're not helpless. I think that if the behavior continues, parents should press charges—especially if a parent or another sibling gets hurt. Press charges, because nobody goes to jail on their first charge; it just doesn't happen that way. Certainly, your child is not going anywhere if he has a family. The state doesn't want to pay for him; they're going to try all kinds of non-institutional resources. Hopefully they'll set you and your child up with counseling.

EP: What if you call the police, but the behavior continues?

JL: If the abusive, destructive or criminal behavior continues, the main thing that you want is for your child to be held accountable on another level. One way the courts do that is by putting your child on probation. Having a probation officer adds another dimension of accountability. Now if your child punches a hole in the wall, not only do you tell him to stop, but you call his probation officer. When your teen meets with him, the probation officer says, “Your mom told me you punched a hole in the wall. I thought we said you were going to work on that. I thought you promised me you weren't going to do that anymore.” Think of the probation officer as another level of authority.

I've seen probation officers and judges work out plans for kids who are aggressive and violent. They'll put them in "juvie" for a weekend or two. It can be very effective. They don't send the child away forever. After his time is up, they bring him back to court and say, “So what do you think? You think you can stop hurting people?” If the kid smarts off, they send him back for another weekend. They're trying to teach him to be accountable. Ideally a counselor or therapist points out, “You're not punching any holes in the walls here. What's different is we’re holding you accountable and you know we won’t tolerate your disrespect or abuse. You're making different choices about how you treat people and property. You can punch a wall here, but you're choosing not to. Now let’s figure out how you can make those same choices at home.”

That’s how coping skills are developed by professionals. These punishments and consequences are all designed to teach your child to make different choices; hopefully those choices will be healthy and safe.

EP: What about getting a permanent record?

JL: Parents ask me, “Will my child have a record for the rest of his life?” I'm sure the fact that they’ve been in detention or had a probation officer will be written down somewhere. But if something happens before your child is 16, in most states, that gets sealed when they become adults; there's no access to it and the public can't find out about it.

I understand that parents don’t want their kid to have a record. That's what you have to weigh out and struggle with. Ask yourself, “Is this behavior dangerous enough that it warrants me taking this action? How dangerous is he, really?” Personally, I'd rather have a child learn to be in control of himself and have a juvenile record than be out of control and have no apparent future.

Many kids blackmail their parents by saying, “If you call the police, I'll get a record.” Or “They’re going to send me to juvie.” They manipulate their parents this way. But I think if the abusive, assaultive, destructive behavior doesn't change, your child is going to have a lot more problems than whether or not he has a juvenile record. Make no bones about it; some day he's going to get an adult record. Out-of-control juvenile behavior becomes criminal behavior the day he turns 18.

EP: Any other reasons to call the police on your child?

JL: Another issue that I think parents have to think about is crime. This would include possession and selling of drugs or stolen property. I think you can say ahead of time, “I can't stop you from using drugs and if you're high, you're high. I can't tell the difference and I'm not going to play detective. But if I find drugs, I'm calling the police.”

If the police come over to your house and find some pot, they're usually not going to arrest your kid. They're going to warn him, because a quarter an ounce of marijuana is nothing to the police. You want to give your child the impression that you're just not going to sit by and let him throw his life away. But again, it's a strictly personal decision.

EP: How can you expect your child to react afterward?

JL: When things are calmed down the next day, your kid is going to be mad at you. He’ll say, “You stabbed me in the back.” He’s going to feel a sense of betrayal, but that's what bullies do. When you stand up to them, they feel like you've betrayed them and that they're the victim.

I think when things are going well, you want to say, “If you make different choices, we never have to call the police again. But if you assault somebody, if you break people's stuff, if you bring drugs into the house, if we feel intimidated by you, or if I'm afraid somebody's going to get hurt, I'm calling the police. And I just want you to know that.”

What your child will learn to say is, “So what, they won't do anything anyway.” But I think you say, “That may be, but I'm still going to keep calling them.” And here's the deal: every time you call, you’re adding to the paper trail on your child. You want to create that so there's clear documentation that he is out of control. I also think that it's important for parents to follow through on their plans. Say, “Well I don't know if the authorities are going to do anything, but I'm doing something. I'm calling the police.”

EP: James, Is there anything else parents should know?

JL: I think that it's just very difficult to raise a child, especially if they have behavior problems. But it's important for parents to know and remember that these kids make choices. Even when they seem overwhelmed by feelings, they’re making conscious choices—although that's not what they want you to believe. They want you to believe that they were overwhelmed by anger and so they really couldn't control themselves. That's an out-and-out lie. They're making choices all the time, and I think one way or another they need to be held accountable for those choices. If they don't respond to the level of accountability that they're held to, when they become adults, the game gets very serious and the consequences are severe: you lose jobs; you get arrested for possession; you go to jail for stealing.

Challenging kids who have out-of-control behavior patterns is not for the faint of heart because they strike back forcefully. Every now and then you're faced with a really tough decision. Hopefully you have knowledgeable people to talk to and access to learning tools. In any case, it's a tough job being a parent and there's not a lot of community support for that role nowadays.

Again, calling the police is one of the options parents should seriously consider, but it's not the only option. And if parents take that off the table, for whatever reason, that's perfectly sound judgment. Many, many parents choose not to exercise that option, and I support them. That being said, calling the police should be something people consider, and either reject or accept. Remember, you have the same right to protection from crime in your home as you do out of your home. It's not as if the law is different. We should have the same expectations of our children.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teensand children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visitwww.thetotaltransformation.com.

Get Them To Camp

2010-04-19T08:03:00.002-05:00

The ten top reasons the kids in your life and ministry need a Christian camp experience this summer.

Keeping focused on reading, writing, and arithmetic when springtime hit was a challenge for me as a child. As soon as the days were longer and warmer, my mind wandered to thoughts of summer vacation. On cool spring evenings my friends and I would sit on the front stoop and share our summer plans. We always had great expectations for summer.

Christian camping was a mountaintop experience for me and my friends, and I know it continues to be for children today. Here's my top 10 list of what camp has to offer today's kids:

1. One of the important things children learn from a camp experience is to be self-sufficient—Mom isn't there to comb their hair or tell them what shirt to wear.

2. Camping helps kids learn to be creative and resourceful—planning a skit with cabin-mates using a cardboard box, three paper bags, and duct tape demands a lot more creativity than watching TV.

3. Camping instills an appreciation for the out-of-doors—trees are for climbing, frogs are for catching, rocks are for skipping, flowers are for smelling. Day in and day out campers are surrounded by God's wonderful creation—camping has always been green!

4. Kids learn to appreciate living without modern conveniences like cell phones, MP3 players, and handheld video games.

5. Kids learn to anticipate problems and challenges and figure out how to solve them with cabin-mates and counselors. They learn quickly that teamwork and cooperation gets the job done with satisfaction.

6. Plans and goals are healthy and rewarding.

7. Kids will learn by using all five senses, not just sitting and listening. They will learn by doing! Camp is not a spectator sport.

8. Late Night activities is one of the most memorable parts of the Christian camping experience.

9. Christian camping is a mountaintop experience for children. Campers have an opportunity to respond to age-appropriate messages from God's Word.

10. The West Florida District does an awesome job putting together a great camp experience for every child.

I want to encourage you to help the children in your sphere of influence to have an opportunity to experience a Christian camping adventure this summer. The results could be eternal! They were for me.

It's Never Too Late: 7 Ways to Start Parenting More Effectively

2010-04-13T07:43:00.002-05:00

“Is it too late to change the way I parent my child—and will it actually work if I do?” In this article, James Lehman explains how you can change the way you parent, and why your child’s behavior has a much better chance of improving when you do. James gives you 7 ways to be a more effective parent, starting today.

Work on the behavior you want to change most—then, move on to the next one. Don't try to tackle everything at once.

Some parents are afraid that their child won't change no matter what they do. Many find themselves reacting automatically when their child behaves inappropriately; as soon as he acts out, they’re yelling and screaming, or getting sucked into power struggles. And even when parents try something new, it's easy for them to get discouraged. Some try to do different things from time to time, but when these methods seem to be ineffective, they eventually give up. This is true especially if the behavior has been a problem for years and they haven't been able to do anything about it.

I’ve found that if you don't really take the time to think your response through, you often wind up simply reacting to the things your children do—and not respondingeffectively. Many parents become frustrated with their child’s behavior and want to give a punishment right away. Unfortunately, doing this doesn't provide any effective training to the child; in the end, it's just not helpful. There's a big difference between the words “react” and “respond.” When you react, it’s almost like a reflex—your buttons are pushed, and you go into your routine. But if you’re responding, you’re being more objective. You're still going to hold your child accountable, but you have more time to consider the consequence you’ll give him and what you want him to learn from it—and there’s less of a chance you’ll take your child’s behavior personally.

To anyone who asks the question, “Is it too late to change my parenting style?” I would say that it’s never too late. It may not always be easy, but there are effective things you can start doing right away to change the way you respond—and to improve your child’s behavior.

7 Ways to Start Parenting More Effectively

1. Decide What You Want to Work on First: One of the things I see with parents is that they don’t know where to start. But I think it’s simple: start with the things that put your child at risk. These are the behaviors that are physically or emotionally dangerous to your child or others—where he is hurting somebody physically, breaking things, or being unsafe outside of the home.

My experience is that if you want to change everything at once, you’re going to be very disappointed. Not only is that an impossible task; you're going to alienate your child. I also think parents should address the things that violate their values and morals, and that are risky to the child and others. Start there. Do we want to change everything? Well, good luck, maybe we can. But I think we want to start with the most dangerous, risky stuff, and then move forward.

2. Pinpoint Exactly What You Want to Change: I think it’s helpful for parents to break behaviors down into separate pieces and work on them one at a time. So if your child curses at you and storms up to his room and slams the door, start with the behavior you want to change most. When you talk with him, you want to break it down. Begin with, “Don't curse. That doesn't help solve the problem, and I'm offended by it. What do you think you could do differently the next time you get upset?” Your child may not be able to come up with anything, but offer some suggestions and get him to pick one option. And then say, “All right, so the next time you’re upset, instead of cursing, you’ll just go to your room.”

So work on the behavior you want to change most—then, move on to the next one. Don’t try to tackle everything at once.

3. Explain the Change: If you're going to change a specific response to a behavior, it might be helpful to sit down with your child and explain what that change is going to be. When things are going well and everybody is calm, you can say, “Oh, by the way, I wanted to tell you something. I don't think being grounded in your room all day when you use bad language is working around here. It doesn’t seem to be helping you to change. So from now on when you curse, you're going to go into your room until you write a letter of apology. Then, when you’re done with that letter, you can read it to me and we’ll talk about it. While you're in your room, I'm going to take your computer and cell phone away to make sure you stay on target.” Be clear on what you're going to do. Your child may get angry and frustrated, but don't let him turn it into an argument. Say, “I understand that it might be frustrating, but this is how I want our family to work.”

I also suggest that you don't make speeches, but keep your remarks specific and focused. Remember, speeches cut down on communication.

4. Tell Your Child What the Goal Is: I think it’s important to define your goals to your child. You can say something like, “My goal is that you don't hurt other people by saying bad words.” Or “My goal is that you don't steal money out of my wallet,” or “My goal is that you don't punch the wall,” or “My goal is that you don't throw sand in kids’ faces or bite them when you’re playing in the sandbox.” You can start out the conversation by saying, “I've noticed that when somebody teases you a little, you get really upset and you get yourself into trouble. I hate to see that, because then you get punished—and it happens all over again the next day. So from now on, let's figure out a way for you to handle this differently so that you don’t get into trouble. When someone teases you, what can you do instead?” And come up with a game plan of what he might do next time.

It’s important to realize that what comes out of your mouth doesn't always get into your child’s ear the way you want it to. And so even if your child is confused when you talk with him—he may be frustrated, worried, or angry—just try to stay calm. Whatever it is, say, “Let's just see how it works out first.” Your child doesn't have to agree; it's not a democracy. But it's a way of approaching problems that, over time, will change his perceptions of his relationship with authority—and his relationship with you.

5. Manage Opportunity: If you’re concerned that your child is going to do something hurtful or destructive, one of your options is to manage the opportunities he has. Let’s say you have a teenager who continuously gets speeding tickets. He doesn’t respond to your efforts to get him to take responsibility and drive more safely. One of the things you can do is take away his car. When you do that, you’re taking away the opportunity. It’s similar with younger kids. If they demonstrate that they won’t stop stealing money out of your wallet, take away the opportunity by putting a lock on your door or locking your purse in the trunk of your car. Opportunity management is one of the simplest ways of shaping behavior. In other words, if your daughter can’t handle the mall without throwing tantrums, don’t take her to the mall. If your son is at a restaurant and he can’t stop acting out, take him out of the restaurant. Once your child demonstrates that he can’t handle something, remove the opportunity until he shows you that he can. Often, if your child doesn't have the opportunity to do something, it won’t happen.

6. Don’t Appeal to Your Child’s Empathy: Asking your child, “Do you know how it feels when you’re disrespectful to me?” or asking, “How do you think Tommy feels when you take his lunch money?” are appeals to your child’s empathy. But children, and especially teenagers, don't experience much empathy for anybody. They are simply not in touch with those feelings. The apparatus that manages empathy in the mind is not working properly yet; some say it isn’t fully formed. Regardless of the reasons, empathy is not an approach that will convince your child of anything. Consequently, they don’t experience empathy for everyday situations, so you can’t depend on that tactic to change their behavior. Instead, you have to work with their self-interest. If you want your child to change something, you have to demonstrate that he will benefit from changing; that it’s in his self-interest. If you want your child to stop lying or manipulating, you have to frame it in a way so he can see how he would benefit from stopping that behavior. It’s not helpful to say “Can’t you see how much your manipulating hurts me?” Instead, say, “Aren’t you sick of getting grounded for manipulating? You’re the one who gets hurt when you manipulate. Remember, Josh, the consequences won’t stop until the manipulation stops. So stop doing this to yourself.”

7. Set Limits and Give Consequences: I think an important component of teaching our kids is learning how to set limits on them. There’s an old saying: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.” But I say, “You can lead a horse to water and you can't make him drink—but you can make him thirsty.” That’s what your consequences should be designed to do. Accordingly, we can’t make our child change. But if we use the right combination of consequences and motivation, we can, in a sense, make them thirsty to change.

Remember, consequences are a means to an end. And if you find an effective consequence, continue to use it. By “effective” I mean that your child responds to it, even if only for a short while. It’s not always helpful to immediately go for a bigger hammer if the consequence doesn’t appear to be working. You should always have a bigger hammer in your toolbox, but escalate slowly.

Here’s the deal: someday your child is going to change—if not for you, then for his boss, a judge, his probation officer, or his girlfriend. Hopefully he’ll change before he engages in too much self-destruction. In any case, you’re on duty now, it’s your watch, so just do the best you can.

So how do you know if you should change your parenting style? I believe that you have to change the way you parent if what you’ve been doing up until now has proven ineffective. There’s information regarding learning effective parenting styles, giving effective consequences, and ways to have conversations with your child that promote change and don’t create excuses. Do your best to access that information, both here on Empowering Parents and in other trusted places.

And remember: It’s never too late.

The Solution Isn't Just Bigger Consequences

2010-04-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

Some problems that children face are more difficult than others. Annoying behavior, habitual teasing, and explosive anger are just a few examples. Out of frustration, some parents think that the child needs bigger and bigger consequences. They believe that the bigger the consequence, the faster the change.

Remember that the goal is a changed heart, not just punishment for doing wrong. A larger consequence may be needed to get the child's attention but the real work takes place by helping children adjust the way they think and the patterns of behavior that have developed over time. Often many small corrections are more effective than one large consequence.

Mature people will feel an internal pain when they discover that they’ve made a mistake or done the wrong thing. This is normal and healthy. Your child may not experience that same inner sense yet. Consequences create a kind of pain for children. This pain can motivate right behavior and get them moving in a helpful direction.

One example of this is the parent who decided to take away the privilege of riding a bike from her nine-year-old son. She said, "Son, I'm not taking the bike away for a set number of days. I'm taking the bike away until I see some progress in the way you're treating me when I call you in for dinner. We'll see how you do for the next few days and when I get a good response then we can talk about you having your bike again." Mom turned the discipline around so that the child had to earn back the privilege. She wanted to see several positive change points before she allowed her son to ride his bike again.

Kids often need a multi-faceted approach to help them change. Teaching about sensitivity, self-control, respect or another quality will also go a long way to help children change their minds and thus free them to change their hearts as well.

This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN,BSN.

Teaching Kids to Accept A No Answer

2010-04-12T08:10:00.000-05:00

Teaching children to accept a "no" answer is important. Knowing how to help children in this area can be a challenge. The following two examples illustrate different ways to help children change, based on their own uniqueness and personality.

One dad said, "I sometimes continue to say no until my daughter accepts my answer and then, after the discussion is over, determine whether to reevaluate the decision based on her response. If she gets angry and mean with me, I point out her demandingness. If she has a gracious response I consider whether I can change my answer."

Another dad had a different approach. "As I evaluated my interaction with Joey I discovered that I would say no too early in the dialogue. This would move him into an attacking mode because he was frustrated that I didn't hear him out. I realized that I was making a decision too quickly. As I spent more time listening and affirming his ideas before I made a decision, I saw a change in his attitude toward my final answer."

Both of these parents accomplished the goal of helping their children learn to accept a no answer. The first dad determined to say no in order to train his daughter to respond graciously. The second dad postponed his answer to let his son feel understood. Because children and parents are all different, you must look for things that will work for your family. By evaluating your present routines and then making some well-planned adjustments, you will see change in your children as well.

What are some practical ways you teach kids to accept no?

This parenting tip comes from Chapter 5 in the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN,BSN.

Praying Together as a Mission-Minded Family

2010-04-12T07:38:00.000-05:00

By Ann Dunagan

We all know, at least in our heads, that prayer is important. Yet how many of us honestly believe that our prayers, the simple prayers of our far-from-perfect family, can really make a difference? If we could comprehend, deep down in our spirits, the true power of prayer, we would all pray more-and the difference would radically impact our lives and the lives of everyone around us.

James 5:16 tells us, "The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." We want our prayers to be effective, but what does it mean to stand "righteous" before God

As a family, we're very aware of our differences and our faults. We've all sinned, and we need to acknowledge that no one of earth can stand blameless before our perfect, holy, and awesome God. No matter how good we try to be, our own works are nothing but filthy rags in His sight (see Isaiah 64:6). To pray effectively as a family, we need to grasp the importance of the "fear of the Lord." We don't need to be "afraid" of God in a fearful sense of the word, but we need to realize how powerful and mighty He is.

Easy Prayer Projects for the Mission-Minded Family

Take a Prayer-Walk: As you walk around your neighborhood, take time to quietly praying for each neighbor, and seek God for ideas on how your family can be a light for Jesus.
Make a Poster: Have your children make a "Ten Most Wanted" list or poster. Have them think of ten people who need Jesus. These can be relatives, neighbors, famous people, or the man who works at the convenience store. Use this list or poster to remind you to pray for these people to come to know the Lord.
Use a Map: Put a small world map on your refrigerator, and use this area to display newsletters from missionaries you support, along with current international news updates. Pray regularly as a family, perhaps around the dinner table, for specific world needs and for people you know who need the Lord.
Teach Your Kids about Prayer with Filthy Rags: The next time you come across an extremely dirty rag in your house, use it an opportunity to share an important lesson with your kids. We may think our own self-efforts help us earn "Brownie points" with God. But, to Him, our human works are as worthless as stinky rags. If we try to earn favor with God-instead of trusting in Jesus-it's like collecting yucky rags. The more they pile up, the more they stink and mildew.

In prayer, each of us must come to God in an attitude of total surrender and humility, keeping our hearts clean and open before Him. Through the cleansing sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross, every mom and dad, and boy and girl, can pray as a "righteous man" before God. Because of Christ's forgiveness and righteousness, even your family can come before God with boldness and authority to effectively intercede on behalf of others.

How to Stop Fighting at School and at Home

2010-04-07T07:50:00.002-05:00

"Remember, if two kids with distorted perceptions get into a physical fight, there may not be a truth; there might just be their distorted perceptions compounded by the absence of … problem-solving skills."

When your children use fighting or other negative physical behavior as their main coping skills, you’ll find that it usually doesn’t stop at home—they will use it at school, in the neighborhood, on the ball field or at the mall. If your son uses physical fighting, for example, or your daughter uses verbal abuse in place of the problem-solving skills they need to learn in order to function successfully as adults—skills like communication, negotiation and compromise—make no mistake, you need to address this problem immediately. If you don’t, understand that it’s as if your children will be entering the world with a couple of hammers to handle their problems, when what they really need is a wide range of sophisticated tools in order to be successful.

How to Handle Fighting at School and at Home: 7 Tools You Can Use Today

When your child is disciplined at school for getting into a fight, I think the absolute best thing you can do is first find out from the school exactly what happened. That way, you’ll have a framework for your eventual discussion with your child.

In my opinion, the most effective way to handle news about fighting at school is to do the following:

1. Give Your Child Time to Transition:
When your child gets home, give him ten minutes to reorient to the house. Let him have his snack or listen to some music. Don’t challenge him immediately, because transition is difficult for people of all ages, and it is not a time to deal with any issues at all. For instance, if a child acts out at the mall, or there’s a problem with the next door neighbors, when you get him back in the house, give him ten minutes before you talk with him. The time to talk about any episode is not right when he gets home. It’s hard for people to process emotions during transitions. Rather, the time to talk about it is ten minutes later, after your child has calmed down.
2. Be Direct and Don’t Trap Him:
When you talk, try to avoid blaming, tricking or trapping your child. Instead, be very direct and straightforward; put the facts out there. “I spoke to the school today and they were concerned. Would you like to tell me what happened?” Don’t try to trap your child by saying things like, “Did anything happen at school today that you want to talk about?” Over time, trick or “trap” questions will increase your child's anxiety and make him not trust you, because he will never know what you're going to confront him with.
3. Listen to What He Has to Say—Even If He’s Wrong:
Let your child tell you the whole story first, if he's willing to talk. Don't cut him off halfway through by saying, “Well, that's not what they said.” If you do that, you're never going to hear his side of the story. By the way, your child’s account may not be accurate or honest, and his perceptions may not be valid. But the bottom line is that if you hear the whole story, at least then you've got something comprehensive to work with.

If you stop your child when he sounds like he's not telling the truth, you may miss the point that shines light on the fact that it's a matter of different perceptions. Often, a child’s perceptions aren't the same as an adult’s—and you won't learn that unless you hear the whole story. By the way, these misperceptions will need to be corrected. So encourage your child to talk.
4. Use Active Listening Methods:
When you say, “The school called me today about a fight. Can you tell me what happened?” your child may tell you something, or he may not. If he decides to talk, let him tell you as much as he can. Always use statements such as, “Uh huh.”“Tell me more.” “I see.” and “What happened next?” Those are active listening methods that get kids to talk more and be comfortable. Don't forget, our goal is not to intimidate or punish. Our goal is to investigate and learn information. On the other hand, if he refuses to talk about what happened, I recommend that he not be allowed to play, watch TV, use electronics, or do anything else until he’s ready to talk.

When you are talking with your child, if he gets stuck for a minute, repeat back what you’ve heard him saying in this manner: “So what I hear you saying is, Jared came and kicked you today for no reason, so you hit him. Is that right?” Get it straight so that you're both on the same page. When your child is done, ask, “Did the school punish you?” and then ask how. Let him tell you what the school did and then say, “OK, when I spoke to the school, this is what they told me.” First, start with the points your child and the school agreed on. “They did say you and Jared were having an argument and that it was almost lunch time.” Or “They did say that Michael was being rude to you in the cafeteria and that he was teasing you about the shirt you wore today.”
5. Avoid Using the Word “But”:
Here’s an important rule of thumb—when disagreeing with your child or wanting to point out something to him, avoid using the word “but”—use a word like “and” instead. Understand that the word “but” cuts down on communication, because it really means, “Now I'm going to tell you where you were wrong,” This simply sets up a kid’s defenses. For example, if you say, “You did a nice job cleaning your room today, but…” he knows something negative is coming. “But it still smells in there.” That’s not as helpful as saying, “You did a nice job cleaning your room, and now I’d like you to spray it with room deodorizer.” You’ll get the same result, but you’re doing it in a more affirmative, pleasant way.

So you can say, “I heard about what Michael said to you…and the teacher also said that he heard Michael say insulting things about your shirt. And then the teacher told you to go to the lunch counter, and said that he would take care of Michael for you. Instead, you chose to curse at Michael and started walking toward him in a threatening way. What were you trying to accomplish when you cursed at Michael and walked in his direction?” Keep probing, trying to find out what he wanted to accomplish. Most importantly, you want your child to make an admission about what happened so he can learn from it.

One of the things you want to do if you can is point out the exact momentwhen your child’s problem-solving skills stopped working, because that’s the point where the learning can take place. If your son says, “I started walking toward Michael because he was being mean to me,” you can respond, “You know, you were right that he was being mean and you were right to get angry, but if the teacher says he’s going to take care of it, you have to stop or you’ll get into trouble. If somebody insulted my clothes or called me names, I wouldn’t like it either. So I understand.”
6. When Talking with the School about Consequences:
Find out what the school’s usual consequences are for fighting when you talk with them. If they ask you, “What do you think we should do?” I think you should say, “Well, what are the standard consequences for this behavior? Is there any reason why you shouldn’t follow them? I think you should follow your policy.”

Let me be clear here: anything that your child does that is physically aggressive, physically abusive, or verbally abusive should be followed up at home with a discussion and possible consequence. (Any functional problem—running in the hall, chewing gum, throwing something—should be handled by the school. It’s their job to manage routine behavior.)

The reason you have to challenge the more disruptive behaviors at home is because home is the place where you have the time to teach him about alternatives. If it’s the first time, help him figure out where his coping skills broke down, and then work with him on coming up with some appropriate ones. On the other hand, if this is the second time this has happened at school, not only should you talk about where his skills broke down, but there should be a consequence to keep him accountable. That consequence could include any task that you think would be helpful to his learning about the situation for the amount of time it takes him to complete it. So grounding him for six hours is not helpful, but having him write ten things he could do differently next time is helpful.

If your child is suspended from school, I recommend that he loses all his privileges and electronics until he’s off suspension. That timeline is easy; the school has already set it for you. Remember, if your child is suspended to home, then you put the keyboard, the cable box, the iPod and the cell phone in the back of your car when you go to work.
7. How to Handle Fighting at Home:
Fighting at home differs from fighting in school for a parent because if you weren't there when the fight started, the reality is, there's no way to tell who'stelling the truth—or if in fact there is a truth. Remember, if two kids with distorted perceptions get into a physical fight, there may not be a truth; there might just be their distorted perceptions compounded by the absence of communication and problem-solving skills. Either way, if you weren’t there to see the fight start, the best way to deal with it is to give both kids the same consequence and learning lesson. To begin with, meet with each child briefly to get their perceptions. Then give each kid the same consequence and learning lesson, no matter who you think was responsible for starting it. So that might be, “You will both go to your rooms until you write three paragraphs (depending upon how old your child is) on what you're going to do differently next time.” Or “Each of you has to go and write an apology to your brother. Until it’s done, you both stay in your rooms.” If your kids share a room, then send one to the kitchen. Separating them is important because not only will it stop the fight, it will help your kids calm down.

With younger kids, they can be sent to their room for a while to play on their own. And with older kids, let them listen to music in their rooms. The idea is that they should calm down and then write their essays. (With younger kids who can’t write yet, you might just have them tell you what they will do differently next time.) By the way, each child should be dealt with separately, regarding how they respond to the consequence. So if one child is resistant and defiant and the other is not, that's taken into consideration, in terms of how long they have to stay in their rooms or go without privileges.

Understand that your kids may have another fight an hour later, and they might have to go back in their rooms again and again. The important thing here is that when they write those apologies or alternative behaviors, the part of their mind that’s trying to solve problems and learn how to communicate better is beginning to work. Part of any learning experience is to get that area of the mind—the learning, problem-solving, communicating area of the mind—working. It's like exercising: as long as your body is doing push-ups, your muscles are going to get bigger. When you stop doing push-ups, those muscles don't get bigger anymore. And certainly, if you want to teach your child how to communicate and problem solve, you have to use those situations as much as you can. Think of it as practice for the future—you are helping your kids build muscles that will help them behave appropriately for the rest of their lives.

Whenever possible, build on past successes. What has the child done in this type of situation that worked for him in the past? You can ask, “Yesterday your brother was annoying to you, but you didn’t hit him then. What made today different? It seemed like you handled it great yesterday. What did you do then that you didn’t do today? What did you say to control yourself? How is this different?” Pointing out a previous success in a similar situation can provide insight and direction for the future, and that’s exactly what you want to give your child.

The Funny Side of Parenting

2010-04-06T08:45:00.000-05:00

Parenting often contains surprises, some delightful and others, well... How many of the following might you be able to relate to? Hint, if you smile at any one, it's probably because you've experienced it in your home.

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent...but you usually have to work overtime to get that reward.

Video Review: "Pistachio, The Boy That Woodn't" by VeggieTales

2010-04-06T08:04:00.002-05:00

In one of their most recent videos, the VeggieTales crew addressed the theme of listening to your parents. Junior Asparagus takes on the role of Pistachio, a boy carved out of wood who has a hard time listening to his father, Gelato, a wood carver who had no children of his own (played by Larry the Cucumber). My favorite character is the return of Khalil the Caterpillar who plays Cricket, a caterpillar who isn’t a cricket (I thought it was funny). From the picture and little bit of the setting, you are correct to assume that this is a retelling of the Disney classic Pinnochio with a VeggieTales twist.

For those of you who have been fans of VeggieTales from the very beginning (Where’s God When I’m Scared), you will immediately notice something different… they remixed the introduction! The song, itself, hasn’t changed; it’s just a bit different. In addition to changing up the theme song, the VeggieTales set gets an update courtesy of a Veggie version of Extreme Makeover. Not only that… Qwerty has been updated to! Qwerty can talk and receive video emails!

It was a bit of a shock to see all the changes, but overall, I think that these are positive changes. One thing that would be really neat is for the video emails to be real ones that VeggieTales receives through one of the many social media outlets like Facebook or a blog or something like that.

As for the story in this video, I found it a bit simplistic and overly moralizing. They did clearly make the point that it is important to listen to parents even though I think it was overdone. I do give VeggieTales kudos, though, for trying to go beyond the “obvious” theme of truth-telling when it comes to the story of Pinnochio. Children will still enjoy this video. I also found it fun to see throwbacks from the Jonah movie like Khalil, the whale, and even some deja vu of being inside the belly of a whale.

You can find Pistachio at online sites like Amazon or Christianbook.com.

Take a look at the trailer for the video below:

What to Do When Kids Are Annoying

2010-04-05T08:06:00.000-05:00

Dealing with annoying behavior is not like disciplining for defiance or teaching a child to follow instructions. When it comes to impulsivity, the child can't always make changes just by choosing something different. In many cases, kids don't realize that they're being annoying and they don't know what to do to be more appropriate.

Furthermore, these patterns often come from habits that have been practiced for a long time. These reasons are not excuses for inappropriate behavior but they're a further indication that the job will take concentrated effort from the child and the parents.

Part of the issue is immaturity; the child hasn't learned how to pick up on the social cues or restrain behavior as much as we'd like. But these children need more than just time to grow up. They need concentrated work to develop two character qualities: self-control and sensitivity. These qualities not only help children when they're young, but they become tools for success as children get older.

Here are some working definitions for sensitivity and self-control to get you started with your children in this area:

Self-control is the ability to control myself so that Mom and Dad don't have to.

Self-control means to think before I act.

Self-control is the ability to talk about problems instead of grabbing, pushing, or hitting.

Self-control means that I limit the noises I make when others are around.

Self-control means that I focus on one thing until it gets done, before I move to the next.

Sensitivity means that when I walk into a room I look and listen before I speak.

Sensitivity is thinking about how my actions are affecting other people.

Sensitivity means thinking about how I could help someone else.

I'm a Horrible Parent

2010-03-31T07:50:00.002-05:00

It happens a lot. We are so tired and then the little thing our child does just sets us off. We turn into ugly parent.

Check out this video of this bad dad.

I feel bad for him. All I can do is say, Sorry!

When Children React with Anger

2010-03-30T07:55:00.000-05:00

The child who doesn't like an instruction or limitation may reveal frustration outwardly, sometimes in a small way and other times with downright revenge. One mom said, "I can tell when my thirteen-year-old son is frustrated and upset. He becomes more abrupt in his actions and words. His roughness sends a message that says, 'I'm not happy with you.'"

It's important to remember two rules of engagement when confronted by a child's anger. First, don't be afraid of your child's emotions. Sometimes children use outbursts as a form of self-protection to prevent parents from challenging them. View the display of emotion as a smoke screen and look past it to the heart of the issue. You may not confront in the heat of emotion but don't let your child's anger prevent you from correcting him or her. Parents too often see the emotion as a personal attack and react to it, losing any real benefit that could come from the interaction. That brings us to…

Rule of engagement #2: Don't' use your own anger to overpower your child's anger. Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away anger." When you begin to lose it, take a break. Come back later and work on it some more.

"I've been thinking about the way you responded to me earlier when I asked you to do your homework. I'd like to share an observation that might be helpful for you. It seems that you believe you ought to be able to wait and do your homework just before bed or in the morning before you go to school. Is that what you're saying? One of the values I'm trying to teach you is that self-discipline often means we work first and play later. That's one of the reasons I require you to do your homework early every day. I'm trying to teach you an important value. I know that you may not agree with me, but I want you to know why I'm asking you to do homework before dinner."

Allowing emotions to settle first can bring opportunities for dialogue later, instead of turning the present issue into a battleground. Realize that kids will go away thinking about what you've said, even if their initial response looks as if they haven't heard you. This is especially true for teenagers. Prepare what you're going to say and choose your timing carefully without getting caught up in the emotion of the moment.

What are some ways you've been able to practice this principle in your family?

This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN,BSN.

Identify Pet Peeves

2010-03-29T07:36:00.000-05:00

Anger is a problem in many families. One of the ways you can address it is by having some honest and even fun conversations about anger in family life. Here's an activity that can launch your family into an interesting discussion. Who knows where the interaction will lead you. You might have this discussion around the dinner table or part of an evening devotion time.

Begin with this statement: Let's all share some pet peeves that we each have. A pet peeve is something that others do that makes you mad or easily irritated. Other people may not be bothered at all but you have a hard time whenever this thing happens.

One mom said, "Here are some of mine. I don't like to see towels on the floor in the bathroom or bedrooms. I get angry when I lose my keys, or when the car gas tank is on E after Dad drives it."

Dad said, "That's interesting. I didn't know that was one of your pet peeves. You know, one of mine is when my tools aren't returned to the toolbox or when you drive my car and don't put the seat back in place."

The kids smiled as they saw their parents expressing pet peeves and were able to think of some themselves, borrowed toys, irritating noises or touching, and being interrupted while on the computer.

Then you might talk about being tolerant and thoughtful of each other. This discussion can be very practical and lead to many helpful thoughts and ideas about anger in daily family life.

Don't Overreact to Teenagers

2010-03-24T08:21:00.001-05:00

Are you planning to have teenagers? If you're going to let your children live past twelve years old, you better get used to the idea. Adolescent changes often startle parents. They feel threatened by the new thinking and behavior. In fact, it's hard to not feel threatened knowing that a teen may attack or explode at the slightest irritation.

Teen actions and questions are often perceived as forms of rebellion and parents have a hard time knowing whether this is a phase to be ignored or the beginning of a problem that needs urgent action.

It’s important to know where to draw the line. Independent thinking is healthy but disrespect is not. Choosing one's own values is necessary but can't be an excuse for dishonor. Parents who don't realize the difference, miss valuable teaching opportunities.

Teens may appear hard but they're still very sensitive. When parents dish out criticism the same way teens do, teens get hurt. Their understanding of themselves is much more fragile than their actions lead you to believe. Teens are at a prime time for life-altering experiences. An offhand comment may make a lasting impression so be careful what you say and how you say it.

Tie privilege and responsibility together. A young person shouldn't be able to experience the benefits of family life without also abiding by the principles that make it work. "I feel uncomfortable taking you to the mall right now because of the way you asked me to leave your room a few minutes ago. First, let's deal with the way you're treating me and then we can talk about the privilege of going to the mall."

This parenting tip is taken from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN,BSN.

The Parenting Thrill Ride

2010-03-22T08:26:00.001-05:00

Parenting is rarely like a pleasant but slightly boring turn on a carousel. It's usually more like a heart-stopping and unpredictable roller coaster ride. In both experiences, the destination is never in question. But the roller coaster has more ups, downs and moments of terror.

As soon as you think you have it all together as a parent and feel as if you've reached a high point, you're suddenly slammed into yet another dip, another turn, another uphill climb. One second you're right side up, and the next second you're hanging on for dear life and maybe even screaming at the top of your lungs.

But oh, how much more exciting is the roller coaster ride! And how much more challenging! How much more thrilling, even with (or perhaps because of) the butterflies in your stomach, the fear, and the uncertainty of what's around the next turn! On roller coasters, I've screamed out God's name like a little girl. I've done the same in the twists and turns of parenting.

Prayer brings hope to my hopelessness and calms my anxiety when I need a reminder that I am not alone. Prayer reassures me that my confusion does not deter His plan.

Calling out His name affirms His presence, His power, and His purpose in my life. Regardless of how I pray- screaming from the roller coaster or in the quietness of my soul-I am reminded that just as there was a beginning, so there will be an end. Prayer brings hope to my hopelessness and calms my anxiety when I need a reminder that I am not alone.

Prayer reassures me that my confusion does not deter His plan. It calls me to look for the bigger picture, to embrace a larger view of whatever is happening, and to search deeper for meaning in the struggles and for purpose in the pleasures. Prayer reminds me that this parenting roller coaster is a ride like none other and that it draws on every attribute and ounce of strength I have to survive the ups and downs of the adolescent years and reach the end with relationships intact and training complete.

Prayer reminds me that the thrill of the parenting roller coaster is worth the discomfort; so I'm willing to crawl back into that seat and get locked in for another ride. Prayer changes things -- including me. It has a wondrous way of changing situations. It forces me to remain focused on what's important, and it helps me consider my teen from God's perspective. Prayer aligns my heart with His and connects my heart with His so that my plans for my teen fall in line with His.

Today's world sometimes seems to work against us. It's a tough time to be raising teens. In this confusing culture, all the parents I know need as much help as they can get.

Help for both the parent and teenager can be found through the daily application of prayer. Through prayer, you'll real ize the parenting ride isn't so bad, even if it is full of ups and downs, twists and turns, climbs and free falls, fear and relief. After all, parenting wouldn't be such a thrill ride any other way, would it?

Gods word is family business

2010-03-16T07:39:00.000-05:00

One of the greatest treasures God entrust to any man or women is the gift of a child, and there is no substitute for a child other than the parents. What are we doing to keep these great relationships growing together in Christ? Here are just a few suggestions:

1. Relate God’s word to everyday life and activities.

- Use your car time to discuss God’s word or His character.

- Take walks and discuss the wonder of His creation

- Let your children see how you handle crisis that may arise. It is better to be strategic about this because they will see even if you don’t want them to.

- Discuss their day at the end of the day and share with them how they acted in Christ like ways.

2. Plan structured times of Bible teaching for the family.

- Choose a time that works for everyone

-Keep the Bible age appropriate.

- Encourage kids to take part. This time should not always be mom or dad preaching to their kids for 20 minutes. Remember, kids learn best by doing.

3. Vary what you do during your family devotional time.

- Collect missionary cards (you know those cards that they give out that look like business cards and they want you to put them on your refrigerator and think bout them etc.). Well put these cards in a basket and at the end of the day have your child pull out a card and pray for the person who is on the card you pulled out, pray for the place they are a missionary to.

- Vary the amount of time you have family devotion. Sometimes family devotions can stretch out to long.

- When you go and pick up your child from kids church, stop asking if they had “fun” and start digging into what they “learned.” Use these lessons to continue to teach them throughout the week.

Have fun, and make sure you take this time.

Child Outbursts: Why Kids Blame, Make Excuses and Fight When you Challenge Their Behavior

2010-03-10T07:51:00.003-06:00

Arguing with kids often seems like a losing battle—and it is. No matter what you say, your child has a smart comeback that pushes your buttons or leaves you speechless. And worst of all, when your child is angry, nothing is fair, and it’s never his fault. Here's how, in any argument, your child might set different “traps” for you to fall into. Once you know what these traps are, you’ll be able to avoid them—and hold your child accountable.

If your child thinksit's somebody else's fault or that something isn't fair, he'll be able to justify a lot of inappropriate behavior…

You’ll often see kids blame others and point the finger at someone else when you hold them accountable for their behavior. Very often they see themselves as the victim, no matter how aggressive or abusive their behavior is. Thinking of themselves this way gives them the ability, in their mind, not to take any responsibility—and if you don’t take responsibility, then you won't have to change.

If your child blames others or comes back with excuse after excuse whenever you call him on his behavior, I believe you need to start challenging his thinking. And if he acts out or is destructive in order to get away with inappropriate behavior, know that this is a warning sign: you need to find ways to stop that pattern immediately.

Here’s an example of how a conversation with your child can quickly be derailed by accusations, blame and anger. Let's say the child below hasn’t done his homework and now he's behind at school. He was in a bad mood when he came home, so he takes it out on his little sister by picking on her and calling her foul names. His mother is concerned and upset, and she attempts to talk to him about what’s going on. Soon, their conversation deteriorates into an ugly argument:

Parent: "Why are you falling behind in school and picking on your sister so much lately?”

Child: “It’s her fault that I call her names—she’s always bugging me and taking my stuff. I’m sick of her crap.”

When you try to hold kids accountable, they will often use excuses to deflect your attempts to make them take responsibility for their actions. And in fact, if the mother in this example asked her child to apologize to his sister, he would say, “I'm sorry, but.” And it would be, “I'm sorry, but you looked at me funny.” Or “I'm sorry, but you laughed.” So whatever he says, he means “I’m sorry, but it was your fault.” And again, what he’s really stating here is, “I'm not responsible for what I say. I’m sorry, but I'm actually the victim here.”

One of the big signs of whether or not your child is ready to change is whether or not he is ready to stop being the victim. If he can stop that victim thinking and start to take some responsibility for himself, I don't care if he’s 8 or 18, he has a better chance of changing than a child who continues to blame the world—and everybody in it.

Parent: “Well, why aren’t you keeping up with your work?”

Child: “The teacher didn't explain the assignment to me. How should I know what she wants me to do? She's an idiot.”

Again, what we see here is victim thinking. In this kid’s mind, it's not his responsibility to get clarification from the teacher. One of the problems with this kind of thinking is that kids believe what they think—in fact, we all do. So if your child thinks it's somebody else's fault or that something isn’t fair, he’ll be able to justify a lot of inappropriate behavior and shirk a lot of responsibility. These are what we call “thinking errors”—and they cause a lot of problems for kids and adults alike.

Understand that in their minds, they believe they’re right. Kids think, “My friends are allowed to stay out until 10 o’clock. Why can't I?” Or “Why can't I watch another hour of TV?” That’s victim thinking: they believe they’re a victim of your stupidity or failure to understand their world. And then the next jump in their thinking process is, “It's not fair.” When somebody thinks something isn’t fair, they are then able to reason, “This isn’t fair, so the rules don't apply to me.” Next, they’re able to justify not following that rule.

Adults do the same thing. Very often, people know something is wrong, but they don’t see it as harmful. So they rationalize that the rules around that issue are unfair and they choose not to follow those rules. How many adults know that it's wrong to speed, but speed anyway? When you ask them about it, they have a lot of reasons, excuses and justifications why the rule isn’t fair and why it shouldn't apply to them. We see this in children all the time. When kids start complaining or blaming teachers, they're basically saying “It's not fair.” And once they believe that, then they don't have to do the homework assignment, clean their room or mow the lawn. And many kids are adept at making something unfair right away—they’re professional victims.

As soon as your child excuses his irresponsibility by saying his teacher is an idiot, you can bet he’s found a way to rationalize not doing the work.

Parent: “Well, why didn’t you just talk to her after school if you didn’t understand?”

Child: “Why don’t you believe me? You're always taking the teacher’s side. It’s not fair. Why are you always picking on me?”

Once again, we see the victim mentality kick in. Kids with behavior problems and a lack of problem-solving skills see any questioning of their actions, no matter how benign, as an attack. They start by saying, “I already explained that it's the teacher's fault, why are you bothering me?” And then they add some power and sting to their words by getting verbally abusive. This is their strategy of “Agree with me, or face my acting out, face my aggression, face my verbal garbage.” So there's the warning—“Agree with me or face my B.S.”—he’s starting to escalate so his parent will back down and leave him alone. The worst part about this strategy is that it often works for kids—and by the time they’re young adults, they’re left with no problem-solving skills in their arsenal except intimidation and aggression.

By the way, I think that you want to avoid letting your child gain control of the conversation by using curse words. If your child does this, make a mental note to deal with it later. That’s better than letting him push your buttons. Stay focused on the issue at hand. In fact, I often tell parents to write down the issue on an index card so they can keep referring to it when they’re tempted to get sidetracked.

If I was talking to this mother in my office, I would coach her not to accept any excuse for abuse. When her son verbally abuses his sister, there should be clear, firm immediate consequences for that. You don’t have to lose your focus to assign those consequences. Wait until the end of the conversation but make sure you address that. Secondly, I’d recommend that she give her child a consequence such as doing homework downstairs instead of in his room. She should tell him that she wants to see his homework every night until his grades go up, according to his midterm report. In other words, she should be setting appropriate limits on him until his grades go up.

If your child starts to escalate in this way and becomes verbally abusive, it’s also easy to become upset and angry and lose your temper. And that’s often just what he wants you to do, because then you’re stuck in a power struggle with him—and when that happens, you’re yelling and threatening, he’s yelling and threatening, and no one is talking about his responsibilities any more.

Parent: “What did you call me? How dare you talk to me that way—I’m your mother! ”

Child: “Why do you hate me so much? No one understands me but my friends. I hate you!”

When the parent in our example finally loses it and responds to her son’s aggression, he makes another personal attack upon her and tries to manipulate her emotionally. In the moment, he may believe what he says, and this is yet another thinking error. His mother doesn’t realize that for him, his solution is to attack—he wants to render her speechless. And if you’ll notice, he’s still not talking about taking any responsibility or solving the problem. They're just going around and around because he continues to play the victim. And since his mother isn’t challenging him on that posture accurately, he's just stepping up his verbal abuse and manipulation.

Parent: “I don’t hate you. Why would you say that?”

Child: "I'm out of here.” (Kicks the wall and leaves.)

Escaping a situation is the most primitive thing that humans do when they’re threatened: it’s the so-called “fight or flight” response. When your child reaches a point where he’s out of coping or problem-solving skills, his fight response is to yell at you, break things, or hurt people. If he chooses “flight,” he runs. This response is not good for communication or negotiation skill development, which are two fundamentals of problem solving. His behavior doesn’t resolve the conflict—in fact, both choices just tend to make things worse in the long run.

The antidote to “fight or flight” is developing the communication and negotiation skills that are the basics of problem solving. A child, who doesn't want to communicate, has distorted thinking, constantly makes justifications, and continually takes a victim stance, has run out of coping skills. And when they run out of excuses, they start becoming verbally abusive and threatening. If that doesn't stop, then they run. So for most of this argument, this child has been fighting—and when that doesn’t work, he decides to run.

The bottom line is that now this child’s escalation is getting physical. He went from verbal abuse to physical abuse when he kicked the wall. This is just another sign of his inability to communicate, his inability to solve problems and his world view that he's a victim and “It's not fair.” Again, if things aren't fair, then the rules about cursing at people or breaking things don't apply to him, because it’s not his fault. And that lets him off the hook. These kids have a way of thinking that justifies inappropriate behavior, that justifies violating other people's boundaries and that sees them as a victim of everything. When you try to interfere with or challenge that kind of thinking, these kids will get more upset , threatening or destructive.

But as a parent, you have to challenge your child’s thinking errors and hold him accountable. Even though your child may try to shut down questions about his behavior, remember that you are the parent and you have control. My advice is to avoid getting sucked into a power struggle with your child, even when he leaves in the middle of an argument. Just say, “When you get back, we’re still going to have to deal with this.”

Realize that the thinking errors kids use interfere with their ability to take genuine responsibility for their actions or inactions. They also inhibit a parent’s ability to teach their child how to communicate, negotiate or solve problems responsibly. In fact, thinking errors make communication impossible: they distort reality and allow the person using them to avoid taking responsibility.

As a parent, it’s important to understand the thinking errors kids use so you won’t fall into the traps they set for you during an argument. If you know what your child is doing—and how to challenge him effectively—you can stop the blaming, excuse-making and victim thinking. In an upcoming article in Empowering Parents, I’ll be talking more about the thinking errors kids make—and how to deal with them as a parent.

Passing on Faith: An Inheritance

2010-03-09T07:46:00.001-06:00

I found an interesting article it is from The National Post, written by Brendan T.N. Caldwell who is a CEO of an investment management company.

Click here to read the article.

I thought the parallel of passing on a financial inheritance with the passing on of faith to be a really good picture. Caldwell talks about going from “shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations.” In other words, the first generation works hard to earn financial stability, the second generation enjoys and lives off of that, and the inheritance is gone by the third generation who needs to roll up their sleeves and start over.

“When it comes to faith, our nation is somewhere between the second and third generation. We still enjoy the benefits of a society whose ethics are rooted in faith, but we have forgotten how we got here and we may soon need to rebuild again.”

I think the above quote hits the nail on the head. Now, we can look at that assessment and become discouraged by it, or we can look at that and head into the challenge of “starting over.” While this may not be what we want to do, it is what is put before us.

“In a society that has largely forgotten God, how do parents pass along a spiritual inheritance to their children?”

I think Caldwell states something that is key to answering the question he poses. He reminds parents that our children first and foremost belong to God. He wants to be their father as well as ours, and it is our job as parents to introduce our children to him. We do that by sharing our God stories with them. We need to connect our children with community beyond us who hold the same beliefs and values we do. We also need to stay faithful ourselves be an example of a follower of Christ that our children see from day-to-day.

Is It An Adolescent Phase- Or Out of Control Behavior?

2010-03-08T07:31:00.002-06:00

“Every teen goes through this!” You tell yourself these words, but in the back of your mind, you wonder if your child’s disrespect, acting out and destructive behavior really is normal. How do you know if your child is going through an adolescent phase, or if his out-of-control behavior is here to stay?

The whole idea that an out-of-control teen or a kid with behavioral problems can't make appropriate choices is a patent falsehood.

Why do parents often say, “Oh, it's just a phase; my teenager will grow out of it”? I think there is often a sense of denial that parents have when it comes to their teens’ acting-out or destructive behavior. When you’re a parent, it’s very troubling and sad to think that your son or daughter has a serious problem, and it’s painful to think that they might be different from other kids. Parents will do a lot to deny that, partly because of how bad it makes them feel. After all, denial helps you not feel what's in your gut and to avoid looking at the facts.

Parents may also explain their child’s behavior with “It’s just a phase” because they truly believe this is so. Perhaps friends or relatives have assured them with these words. And television, magazines, the Internet and some counselors may even tell them that what their child is doing is normal. Personally, I think parents get a lot of misinformation today. That's not because anybody is bad or wrong, it's just the nature of our culture: parents are bombarded with information—but not all of it is effective for their child.

How Do You Differentiate Between Normal Adolescent Phases and Inappropriate behavior?
When you look at what is considered to be a normal adolescent phase, understand that there's a continuum. Within that continuum you'll see different types of behavior, depending on where your child is developmentally. So picture a line with a well-behaved child on one end, and out-of-control behavior on the other. I’ve found that most kids are somewhere in the middle.

During adolescence, you might see your child do the following as part of “normal” adolescence:

Be moody and look secretive, spend much of his time alone in his room.
Get frustrated and stomp upstairs.
Be short-tempered and more impatient with you.
Decline to hang out with the family as much.
Be late for curfew.
Say things like, “Only my friends understand me! I hate it here, I wish I could leave.”
Be discontented and restless.

As unpleasant as it is at times, this is all part of the way teens and pre-teens typically individuate from their parents. But some behaviors are not normal—rather, they are warning signs. The following behaviors fit into that category:

Stealing
Being physically assaultive to others or destructive in the house.
Being verbally abusive, intimidating or threatening.
Abusing a younger sibling.
Coming home drunk or high.
Staying out all night.
Getting arrested.

Make no mistake: there's something wrong with this behavior. Parents who tell themselves “It's just adolescence” are setting themselves up for a rude awakening later on.

I believe most parents know the line between normal and inappropriate behavior in their gut. If your child’s behavior starts affecting other people in a physical way, if he becomes verbally abusive, or is stealing, coming home high or drunk, or staying out all night, that's the line. Most parents know that line, even if they’re in denial—and at some point, they simply won’t be able to deny it anymore.

If any of this is going on in your house, remember that the earlier you intervene with your child, the better. The sooner you tell your child that what he’s doing is not acceptable, and then teach him the tools he needs to behave differently, the better. Don't forget, a lot of kids who seek control by acting out—by being assaultive,verbally abusive or destructive, or abusing substances—don't know how to solve problems. They don't know how to make friends or communicate in a way that gets their needs met, so they use drugs and alcohol and inappropriate behavior to meet their needs instead.

Dealing with Your Child’s Thinking Errors
I’ve had parents of acting-out kids ask me, “Is my son angry; is he really frustrated; is he mad?” My answer is always, “Yes, he is. But probably not for the reasons he's telling you.”

An acting-out child will say things like: “If you'd leave me alone, I'd behave better.” He'll tell you it's the school's fault: “They don't understand me there, they keep picking on me.” The reality is that these feelings are coming from his inability to solve problems like getting along with other people, managing his impulses, and following directions. They also come from his unwillingness to make the right choices—or inability to ask for help. Instead, he keeps creating negative feelings by the way he thinks.

A child in this situation is making a lot of what are called “thinking errors.” Just as there are spelling errors and math errors, there are also thinking errors. When your child blames somebody else for a problem he caused, that’s a thinking error. When he tells you that it's somebody else's fault that he broke a window, that’s also a thinking error. In fact, you'll see kids employ all kinds of thinking errors: they’ll blame you, justify their behavior, and lie. And acting-out kids are willing to back up what they're saying by punching a hole in the wall or calling you foul names.

If your child doesn’t know how to get along with people, he might try to control you through behavior, manipulation, and dishonesty. And if you ask him what he feels, he won’t answer—or he’ll become more aggressive. That’s because he doesn’t know howhe feels. And many times, his feelings are so uncomfortable he won’t want to acknowledge them in the first place. That’s why it’s vitally important to focus on thoughts and behavior, not feelings.

My Teen Acts Out: When Will It Stop?
Here’s the truth: kids get more control from seemingly losing control. So let’s say you tell your 14-year-old that it's time to go do his homework. He starts freaking out and punching holes in walls. After he does this a couple of times, you stop telling him to go do his homework—by the way, that’s normal for most parents—and that becomes the solution. But here’s the danger: now your child has gotten more control over you. It looks like he lost control, but in the long run, he’s gained more control.

Many acting-out kids “lose control” in order to get more control, but understand that it's an unhealthy kind of control. Believe me, if your child is doing this already, he will increase your tolerance for deviant behavior—what you would normally accept or even what you morally believe in. He will push you beyond your limits and you'll accept behavior from him that’s wrong and inappropriate. At the same time, he will decrease your expectations for appropriate behavior: you won't expect as much from him. Little by little, your child will become comfortable using acting out as a way to solve his problems.

By the way, the whole idea that an out-of-control teen or a kid with behavioral problems can't make appropriate choices is a patent falsehood. I’ve worked with these kids for many years and believe me, they are able to make appropriate choices—and they do so every day. That's why they act out with some teachers, but not with others. Or they act out in the home and not in school. In my practice, I’d see parents of kids who were supposedly out of control. Then I would go visit these kids in the youth detention center where their probation officer sent them and they weren’t cursing out the guards there. They were saying “yes sir” and “no sir.”

Remember, the idea that a child will grow out of this type of destructive behavior is not realistic. Understand that if your teen is acting out and using intimidation to get his way, he’s already put this behavior into place as his problem-solving mechanism—and the sad thing is, it works for him. The people in his life will back down and let him have his way until he reaches adulthood, but then he’ll really be in trouble. If your child doesn’t learn the all-important life skills of compromise, acceptance and appropriate negotiation, how will he ever hold a job or stay in a healthy relationship? The harsh reality is that letting a child get away with this type of behavior will handicap him for the rest of his life.

Kids Who Ignore Consequences: 10 Ways to Make Them Stick

2010-03-04T07:45:00.002-06:00

Does your child ignore every consequence you give him? This week, James Lehman gives you 10 specific ways to make consequences work—even for the most resistant child.

When kids are faced with something unpleasant, they'll often act like it doesn't matter to them. When your child says, “I don't care” or seems unaffected when you give him a consequence, what he’s really saying is, “You can't hurt me.” That’s because receiving a consequence makes kids feel powerless. Their sense of self almost requires them to respond by shrugging and saying, “Whatever,” simply in order to feel in control again.

Focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he's going to care.

Personally, I don't think parents should worry too much when their child appears not to be affected. Instead, I think you should focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he's going to care. In fact, I think trying to get your child to care is a misdirected goal. Don’t put so much weight on making him “hurt” that you're not thinking about trying to get your child to learn a new behavior. If your child can stymie you by saying “I don’t care,” you’re giving him way too much power.

To put it another way, if you're looking for your child to surrender, forget about it. A consequence is not designed to make your child say, “I’m sorry, Mom, I was wrong.” Rather, it’s there to help your child change his behavior. Think of it this way: the consequence for not following the speed limit is that you might get a speeding ticket. You may shrug and say, “Whatever,” to the police officer when he pulls you over, but that won't stop him from giving you that ticket. And if you say, “I don't care,” he'll say, “Well, here you go, sir. Have a good day.” He won’t argue with you; he’ll simply hand you the ticket and walk away.

In my opinion, you have to be like that police officer when giving your child a consequence. Don't get sucked into an argument when your teen says, “I don't care,” because that argument brings you down to his level—and that's what he’s looking for. Instead, just say, “All right, fine, but you’re still going to lose your cell phone for 48 hours.” Then simply turn around and leave the room.

Again, if you're trying to get your child to care about the consequence you give him, that's like trying to get him to like you. You shouldn’t try to control his emotional life. Just say, “These are the consequences.” And even if he says he doesn’t care, let him know that he will encounter them again if he breaks the rules.

How to Give Consequences So They’ll Stick—Even When Kids Say They Don’t Care

1. Use Consequences That Have Meaning
It’s almost never effective to give your child a consequence in the heat of an argument. Often, parents will be either too harsh or too lenient, because nothing appropriate comes to mind immediately. I advise parents to sit down and write a “Consequences List.” You can think of this as a menu of choices. When compiling this list, keep in mind that you want the consequence to be unpleasant, because you want your child to feel uncomfortable. If, like most teens, your child’s cell phone has meaning for him, don’t be shy about using it as leverage. It’s also important to think about what you want him to learn—and this lesson should be attached to the consequence. So let's say your child curses and is rude to his sister, and you want him to learn how to manage his feelings. I think an effective consequence might be that he would lose his cell phone until he doesn’t curse and isn’t rude to his sister for 24 hours. In those 24 hours, he might also have to write a note of apology to his sibling stating what he’ll do differently the next time he gets frustrated. If he fails to write the letter, he doesn't get his phone back—and the 24 hours starts all over again.

2. Don’t Try to Appeal to His Emotions with Speeches
Remember, your job is not to get your child to love his sister or to appeal to his emotions with a speech, because all he will hear is, “Your sister looks up to you, blah, blah, blah.” Your job is to take his phone and say, “Hey, we talk to each other nicely around here. And if you can't do that, then you can't use the phone. We’ll talk about giving it back to you after you talk nicely to your family for 24 hours.”

3. Make Consequences Black and White
When you give a consequence, the simpler you keep things, the better. Again, you don't want to get into legalese or long speeches. What you want to do is lay out your consequences for your child’s inappropriate behavior very clearly. It's often helpful if he knows ahead of time what will happen when he acts out. Just like there are speeding signs on the highway, the consequences for your child’s behavior should be clear to him. Tell him, “If you talk nastily to your sister, this is what's going to happen from now on.”

And whenever you're going to introduce an idea to your child that may be unsettling, anxiety-provoking, or frustrating to him, do it when things are going well—not when everybody's screaming at each other. Wait until a calm moment and then lay out the consequences simply and clearly.

4. Have Problem-Solving Conversations
I think it’s vitally important to have problem-solving conversations with your child after an incident has occurred. When things are going well, you can say, “If you get frustrated with your sister in the future, what can you do differently, other than to call her names? Let’s make a list.” You might help jump start some ideas by saying, “Instead of calling her names, how about going to your room and listening to some music for a few minutes? Could you do that?” And try to help your child come up with his own ideas. He might say, “If she follows me around the house, I’ll go to my room.” You can then say, “All right, why don't we try that? For the rest of today, if your sister bothers you, pick one thing that you’re going to do from this list and see if it's helpful.”

Conversations like these are how you get your child to think about alternative solutions other than yelling at his sister, name-calling, or acting out. Look at it this way: we all get frustrated, we all get angry, and we all get anxious. But everyone has to learn to deal with those feelings appropriately—and a problem-solving conversation is the most effective way to talk with your child about change.

5. Don't Get Sucked into an Argument over Consequences
Don’t accept every invitation to argue with your child. Understand that he wants you to get upset so he can drag you into a fight. Your child also wants to show you that he's not hurt by the consequence you’ve given him. Believe me, I understand that it's annoying and frustrating as a parent. Kids will try to push your buttons by saying, “Who cares; whatever.” But don't get sucked into it. Just say, “All right, it’s too bad that you don't care—that means it's just going to happen more often.” Then go do something else. And remember, while you don't want to get sucked into a power struggle, you also don't want to destroy your child’s pride by demeaning him, either—you just want him to stop talking poorly to his sister.

6. Don’t Teach Your Child How to “Do Time”
Many parents get frustrated and ground their kids for long periods of time in order to make the punishment stick. Personally, I think that’s a mistake. If you simply ground your child, you're teaching him to do time—and not to learn anything new. But if you ground him until he accomplishes certain things, you can increase the effectiveness of the consequence by 100 percent. I always say to make your consequences task-oriented, not time-oriented. So if your child loses his video game privileges for 24 hours, he should be doing something within that time frame that helps him improve his behavior. Simply grounding him from his video games for a week will just teach him how to wait until he can get them back—not how to behave more appropriately. Remember, if you ground him for 30 days, you’ve fired your big gun. If you ground him for 24 hours, you still have plenty of leverage. Many parents believe the key to making consequences effective is to get a bigger hammer, but that’s not a sound teaching method.

Again, we want consequences to be learning experiences. A consequence that doesn’t fit the crime will just seem meaningless to your child, and won’t get you the desired result. Remember, you don’t want to be so punitive that your child simply gives up. That will never translate to better behavior.

7. Engage Your Child’s Self-interest
Learn to ask questions in ways that appeal to your child’s self-interest. So for example, you might say, “What are you going to do the next time you think Dad is being unfair so you won't get into trouble?” In other words, you’re trying to engage his self-interest. If your child is a teenager, he won’t care about how Dad feels. Adolescents are frequently very detached from that set of feelings. They might feel guilty and say they're sorry later, but you’ll see the behavior happen again. So learn to appeal to their self- interest, and ask the question, “What can you do so you don't get in trouble next time?”

Put it in his best interests: “Understand, if you're going to talk to your sister meanly or curse at her, things are only going to get worse for you, not better. I know you want to keep your phone, so let’s think of ways for you to be able to do that.”

8. How Will I Know If a Consequence Is Working?
Parents often say to me, “My child acts like he doesn’t care. So how do I know if the consequence I’m giving him is actually working?” I always tell them, “It’s simple—you’ll know it's working because he’s being held accountable.” Accountability gives you the best chance for change.

9. Some Things Should Never Be Used as Consequences
In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your child from going to church. Not ever.

I also believe that sports should not be taken away. I have no problem with kids missing a practice if that’s part of a consequence, but taking away the sport entirely is not a good idea.

10. Don’t Show Disgust or Disdain
When giving consequences to your child, I think you should be consistent and firm, but don’t show disgust or disdain. In my opinion, you should never be sarcastic with your child because it's wounding. What you’re trying to do is raise someone who can function, not somebody who feels they're a constant disappointment to you. It's very important to shape your behavior so that your child knows you're not taking his mistakes personally. Remember, the look on your face and the tone of your voice communicates a lot more to your child than your words do. Positive regard is critical for getting your message across.

I think it’s important to remember that life is really a struggle for many kids. Going to school is difficult, both academically and socially, and there is tremendous pressure on children and teens to perform today. Personally, I think that kids should be recognized and respected for that. Think of it this way: what you're really trying to do is work on your child’s behavior to get him to try to do different things. So if your child misbehaves and you ground him from everything indefinitely, you're losing sight of all the other things he did right—and he will, too.

Instead, we want to look at inappropriate behavior as a mistake your child makes. Parents often wonder why their kids make the same mistakes over and over, and I say, “Well, they do that because they’re kids. They’re not pretending. They perceive things very differently than adults do.” We want our kids to learn, so we use the things they enjoy as leverage to teach them better behavior. After all, giving your child a consequence until he shows you he can do better is an effective tool you have at your disposal at all times—even if he tells you he doesn’t care.

Confessions of a Dad

2010-03-03T07:56:00.002-06:00

I hate public meltdowns.

In the last few weeks my child has suffered from chronic meltdowns. It seems no matter the routine, something provokes a complete loss of sanity. Anything from sock seams to crayons to cereal… my kid is easily provoked.

Though I know much of it is stress, it’s still not. fun.

It’s one thing for the meltdown to take place inside my home. It’s a “whole-nutha’ Oprah” when it takes place in the parking of our church…. or the restaurant… or Wal-Mart.

It seems the public meltdown is far more stressful. It’s all the stress of a meltdown… with an audience to boot.

For those that think me the perfect dad, all I have to say is, “Whatev!” So. not. perfect.

Maybe perfectly broken.

I hate the meltdowns. but I work through them.

I hate the audience. but I can’t help that.

I love the brokenness. only because I know that within that is a God with Strength greater than my own.

Give a parent some grace… public meltdowns are a reality. Share the love, not the judgment.

2010-02-25T13:37:00.000-06:00

Bad Attitudes Come In Three Arenas

A bad attitude is a challenge to family life and frustrates many a parent. Furthermore, if children don't learn how to deal with their attitude, they grow up to be adults with bad attitudes. One way to help children overcome a bad attitude is to take it apart and help them deal with it in smaller pieces.

Children are tempted to have a bad attitude in three prominent areas: when given an instruction, when corrected, and when given a "no" answer. One mom put a sign up in her kitchen listing those three areas with the heading, "Three opportunities for a good attitude."

Take time to talk about attitude with your children. Discuss the importance and benefits of a good attitude. Help your children understand these three areas and even warn your child when one of them is coming. Coach your children to have a better response.

The next time your child demonstrates a bad attitude, don’t just point out the negative but teach how to respond rightly. When given an instruction, a child might say, "Okay Mom," in a pleasant tone of voice. When corrected, it would be helpful to say, "I'm sorry." When receiving a "no" answer, children might say to themselves, "Okay, maybe another time."

A bad attitude is often a sign of an angry spirit and the groaning, rolled eyes, sarcasm, stomping feet, or disgusted look are all attempts to communicate dissatisfaction with the situation. Gently point out these bad habits and help your children to practice better responses. Be careful of your own harshness in the process and look for ways to break the problem down into manageable pieces.

This parenting tip comes from the book Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

The Conscience Needs Training

2010-02-23T07:53:00.001-06:00

In 1 Corinthians 4:4 Paul says, “My conscience is clear, but that doesn’t make me innocent.” The reality is that just because the conscience prompts a person, doesn’t mean that it’s right. Children need to be careful to obey God first in everything they do.

The conscience looks for convictions in order to prompt a person to do what’s right. Most children already have convictions, but many of those convictions are inappropriate or need some adjustment. For example, some children believe that if they're playing with a video game and Mom asks them to do something, they should be able to wait until they get to the next level to obey. Your daughter may believe that she has the right to hit her annoying brother. After all, he deserves it.

You have convictions and part of your God-given responsibility is to pass those convictions on to your child. One of the greatest ways to do that is by analyzing your family rules. Each rule, whether it’s written down or just understood, has a conviction behind it.

Spend some time evaluating the convictions behind your rules and then talking with your kids about them.

Children may be tempted to rebel against rules but sharing them as convictions makes them easier to accept. “Son, we don’t allow that kind of movie in our home. The reason is because we have a conviction that what goes into our minds affects our hearts. We’re Christians. That’s who we are and this movie isn’t consistent with the conviction we have. So, we have to say no. I’m sorry.”

As much as possible, tie your convictions to God’s Word. After all, you can’t let your conscience be your guide. It’s the scriptures that are our authority in life. The determining factor as to whether something is right or wrong rests on the authority of God’s Word.

This parenting tip comes from the Everyday Parents Can Raise Extraordinary Kids series by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN,BSN.

Top 10 Things I learnt about Toddlerhood so far

2010-02-22T09:49:00.002-06:00

1. "Dog whisperer" should be referenced often, especially the part of being the "pack leader".

2. Keep things educational. Instead of saying "Don't lick the door", say "Don't lick that RED door that is shaped like a RECTANGLE".

3. Don't worry about milestones. Very few adults still wear pampers and suck on their thumbs.

4. Leave negotiating for the movies with bad plots. To get results, see #1.

5. Stop taking 5000 pictures of your kid. Put your camera down for a moment. Capture the moment in your mind: the way he smells, the light in his eyes, the pure goodness of it all. THAT is the place you will go to when you are 100 years old and peacefully dying in your sleep.

6. Remember how good it felt when your parents said "Good job. I am proud of you". Yea...me neither. So, do it for YOUR kid and do it often.

7. Be really good to his nanny, his daycare, his neighbors. They all have a part in NOT making him a serial killer one day.

8. Create a world with your kid that is purely yours, the language that only two of you speak, the story that you imagined together. That is his real comfort blanket.

9. Stop worrying about crayon marks on your wall, cheerios all over the floor and poop in your hair. One day you will nostalgically smile thinking of all those things.

10. Be just a little bit silly. After all you just got a green light to relive your childhood.

Understanding Attitudes and How to Change Them

2010-02-09T08:47:00.002-06:00

"Attitude" is a shorthand term used to summarize many different feelings, thoughts, and behaviors all at the same time. Various triggers provoke attitudes and simply hearing a word or seeing a signal can change a person's perspective. All Mom has to do is say Derek?! with that certain voice, for instance, and Derek knows she is going to ask him to do something. He responds with a disgusted groan.

Victoria gets to school and sees a pink slip taped to her locker again. She doesn't even read it but rolls her eyes and moans, knowing that it's a call to the office. Triggers like these quickly move people into attitudes that in part determine how they’ll respond to a situation.

Attitudes actually have three components: behavior, emotion, and beliefs. Each of these components can be useful in the change process. The behavior is the flag that tells you there’s a problem. Emotion adds energy to the situation and helps to determine when’s the best time to address the issue, and the beliefs tell you what needs to be addressed on a heart level.

Many parents only focus on the first component, behavior, telling kids to "stop pouting," or "Don't roll your eyes at me." Furthermore, these parents tend to focus only on what not to do instead of what the child should do. It usually isn't helpful just to tell a child to "Stop having a bad attitude" without giving more guidance for developing a better response.

Remember that the goal of discipline is not just to make your children less annoying. As you correct your children for bad attitudes, you are preparing them for the future. After all, they will experience similar situations continually throughout their lives.

Look for ways to help your children think differently. Listening carefully to your child can help you identify thinking errors that lead to a bad attitude. What hidden belief might Jeremy, age ten, have? He complains and argues when you ask him to do the dishes? Maybe he believes, "Chores are an interruption to my life and not my responsibility." If pressed, he may also reveal a belief, "All work is hard and unpleasant, and I must try to avoid it." A positive attitude about work comes from several new values such as "Work is necessary in order to brings benefits to me and to others" and "My contribution to family life is a statement of gratefulness for what I have."

Changing attitudes requires exposure to new ways of thinking. You can provoke your children to more healthy attitudes through dialogue, modeling, and correction. But remember, heart change takes time. We can change behavior quickly, but heart change goes deeper and lasts longer.

But My Anger is Justified

2010-02-08T08:44:00.002-06:00

Some view their anger as justified because they are right and others are wrong. They believe that being right is the only ticket required to launch into an adult temper tantrum. But saying "He made me angry" implies that external events require emotional intensity. The dad who links the trigger (what "made" him angry) and response (what he does with his anger) too closely ends up believing that others have made him the way he is.

When parents do this, they often blame their kids for problems and rarely take responsibility for their own emotions. In many cases, of course, the child is indeed wrong. It isn't helpful, though, to expect our children to bear the responsibility of our anger in addition to what they did wrong. The mom who says, "I wouldn't have to get angry if my kids who listen the first time," has fallen into the trap of blaming her children for her angry responses.

The truth of the matter is that it doesn't take much intelligence to see something wrong, but it takes wisdom to know ho to respond to it. There's a big difference between a button that pops up on a turkey to announce that it's done and a cook who knows how to make a great dinner. Some people are like those little turkey buttons- whenever something goes wrong they pop up with angry reactions and they try to justify abusiveness because they see a problem.

It's not enough to be right in life; parents also need to be wise. Real wisdom knows how to respond in a way that brings change, not revenge. As parents, we don't just want to punish our kids for doing something wrong; we want to help them change their hearts. Anger may reveal what's wrong, but it's rarely a good solution to a problem. Once you identify an offense, it's best to consider how to motivate change.

Is Your Child a Daniel or a Samson?

2010-02-03T08:34:00.002-06:00

Daniel was a good-looking young man and quite skilled and intelligent, qualified to serve in the king's court. He also was a young man of conviction, determined to do what's right yet creative and respectful with authority. God blessed him and he advanced to a high position in the kingdom.

Samson was also a good-looking young man and quite skilled and intelligent. But he was demanding, selfish, and lacked personal conviction. He was determined to do the wrong thing and had a particular weakness when it came to relationships with women.

All parents wish their children were like Daniel, but some kids are more like Samson and require strong-willed parents to guide them to adulthood. If your child seems bent on doing the wrong thing, here are some parenting strategies you'll want to keep in mind.

1. Pray diligently
2. Work on building a strong relationship.
3. Enforce firm boundaries and talk about your convictions.
4. Have a good correction plan.
5. Help children see long-term consequences.
6. Use a crisis for good.
7. Be bold enough to say "no".

Raising a strong-willed child to be a Daniel isn't easy, but your planning, strategizing, prayer, and hard work will bring results and bless your child for years to come. When you focus on the conscience, good things happen!

What's In Your Attic

2010-02-01T08:30:00.003-06:00

In a few weeks my parents are moving to a new house in IL. They are going crazy packing and preparing for the move.

Every cabinet needs to be cleaned out... ever drawer organized... every closet purged. Only one space remains.

The attic.

The attic is a place we don't venture often. In fact, I have never been in the attic of my house.

Who knows what is up there. Initially we stick things up there to get them out of the way, but eventually we forget it even exists.

Items that once were so necessary now sit amidst insulation and dust.

Things we no longer use and clearly no longer need. Yet we still hang on to.

Purging is a difficult, freeing, beautiful process. A method by which the unnecessary is removed in order to make room for the necessary.

I don't like the idea of cleaning out my attic. But I like the idea of moving all this excess with us even less.

So purging is what I do. LIke it or not.

Throughout the Old Testament we see purging as a critical step to moving forward. God did not allow His people to advance before removing the impurities first.

Growth is hindered when junk is in the way.

With this in mind it would be wise to take time out to allow God to purge some things in my spiritual attic. Though the process is uncomfortable... the growth on the other side is immeasurably worth it.

Hi, My Name is Dan, and I'm an Imperfect Parent

2010-01-26T08:19:00.002-06:00

Christianity Today's most recent cover article is entitled "The Myth of the perfect Parent. As I read the article, I found myself saying things like, "Yes!" and "Exactly!" out loud. One of the first things we need to tell parents when they ask about raising children is to ignore all the parenting books and magazines and figure out what works for you. Sometimes it seems that the only purpose for all the expert parenting advice out there is to make you feel guilty for not getting it right. Sheesh! Then, if you are a Christian, there is all this pressure to make sure you are following "biblical" parenting methods otherwise your children might walk away from church and from faith!

The last time I checked, children were human beings with wills of their own. Yes, as parents, we need to guide our children. We need to facilitate their physical, emotional, and spiritual growth. The catch is, though, that our children get to choose how they live in the end. There is nothing we can do or not do to guarantee any kind of outcome. This is a very scary thing because that means we don't have as much control as we'd like to think about how our children come out.

Does this mean that we do nothing? Of course not! What it does mean is that many parents need to give themselves a pass. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be the "perfect parent." There is no such thing. If parenting "experts" can't even agree on what a perfect parent looks like, why should we? The best we can do, according to the author of the Christianity Today article, is to be faithful parents. I like that. Not perfect parents. Not even intentional parents. Faithful parents.

Being a faithful parent means you show up. It means you love your kids. It means you equip and empower them to make wise choices and then trust that they will. It means, if you are a Christian, you put your children in the hands of the Holy Spirit because he loves them more than you ever will.

But I Have to Yell to be Heard

2010-01-25T08:46:00.003-06:00

Do you find yourself yelling sometimes just to be heard?
Does the yelling frustrate you but you feel there's no other way? We find that parents often yell when they don't have a plan. Some parents don't know how to fix a problem with their kids so they become louder, thinking that the intensity created through yelling will have some kind of positive effect. It doesn't work.

Motivating with harshness can keep children in line or get them to accomplish a task, but that method damages family relationships. In Jeremiah 10:24, Jeremiah prays, "Correct me, Lord, but only with justice- not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing." In the end, it is closeness that provides parents with teachable moments and the relaxed enjoyment of family life. Yelling and harshness discourage trust, essential to help young people learn valuable principles about life.

You might be saying, "Wait a minute! My kids won't obey unless I get angry." If that's true, then maybe you've trained your children to respond to your anger as a signal that it's time to obey. Kids are smart. They know they can wait until the last minute before responding. They've figured out how many warnings you'll give and they recognize the tone of voice that says you're ready to deliver a consequence.

One solution is to teach children to respond to a different cue. If yelling is the sign that you mean business, they change the cue to a more constructive signal. If you teach your kids that you'll back up your words sooner, without anger, then your dependency on anger to get things done will decrease.

Helping Your Kids Stay Safe Online Accessibility

2010-01-20T08:11:00.002-06:00

When it comes to kids and being online, there is no way to be sure that they aren't going to come into contact with (accidentally or intentionally) inappropriate material. There are some things, though, that we can do to help our children cultivate habits that minimize the amount of digital stuff they come in contact with.

One of the easiest ways to help your children stay safe online is to limit the accessibility of online content.

1. Content Filters: Content filters are programs that keep certain sites and I'm not a huge fan of content filtes. They are unreliable and easily bypassed. There are different types including software that you put on your computer, parental locks (sort of like the V-chip on your TV), web-based filters, and Internet Service Provider-based filters. This is a very passive form of monitoring accessibility. I lean more towards helping your children develop their own internal filters.

2. Keep Computers in Public Areas: One of the easiest ways to prevent intentional access of inappropriate material and a way to deal with stuff that pops up inadvertently is to keep computers in the open. Personally, I don't think it is a good idea for children to have a computer in their room that is connected to the internet. By having internet-connected computers out in the open, everyone is able to see what is being accessed. It is also easy to help your children deal with any inappropriate content that pops up.

3. Budgeting Internet Time: It is very easy to lose track of time and wander aimlessly while online because there is no definite stopping point when you are online. I don't know about your children, but most begin to press links and buttons and enter random search terms when they start getting bored online.... they wander. It is very easy to stumble across inappropriate material if you wander aimlessly online. In order to prevent that from happening, the best thing to do is to budget how much time your children spend online (Budgeting online time is also beneficial for other things as well). Children should not have free reign of online access until they have learned how to budget their online time themselves.

Those are just some ideas when it comes to limiting the accessibility of online content. Next time we'll look at helping children be intentional with their use of the internet.

Do You Know What Your Kids Are Looking Up?

2010-01-19T10:54:00.003-06:00

There is one question you should always ask your kids when they go online, "What are you going to do?" The reason you ask this (and tell them why) is to reinforce for them that when they go online, they need to have a reason. There are too many harmful things online for our children to simply "surf the web." It also instills in them a sense of accountability. I wouldn't let my children simply wander through the neighborhood without a destination. The same goes for children exploring the more global virtual neighborhood.

Online Family Norton recently published the top 100 searches of kids in 2009. Sitting at number one, two and three are Youtube, Google, and Facebook respectively. Then at four and five? Can you guess? Sex and Porn.

Now, you might be thinking, "That's because this includes teenage boys, and teenage boys are bound to search for stuff like that." Well, when you take a look at the breakdown in ages the number four search for children 7 and under is porn... beating out Club Penguin (#5) and Webkinz (#7).

Before you run to yank the cable modem from the wall, there are some less reactive and more effective ways of helping your children make wise choices on the internet. Over the next few days, I will share some ideas.

In the meantime, I'd love to hear what you all do to help your children navigate the internet with integrity and wisdom.

Teaching through decision making

2010-01-18T08:17:00.002-06:00

Families make decisions and solve problems on a daily basis. Parents must make some decisions, and in those cases children need to learn to follow. At other times parents can involve children and help them make wise choices.

Money, for example, provides opportunities for children to make decisions. Parents can teach children how to save, be generous, and plan for purchases. In one family, Kari, age twelve, and Joel, age thirteen, were each given ten dollars for babysitting. Kari saved her money but Joel spent his right away. A few days later when the family was at a museum, Kari and Joel both wanted to buy something at the gift shop. Kari had money but Joel siad, "I wish I would have saved my money so I could buy something here."

It's better for children to learn their lessons with small amounts of money early, than wait and make a costly mistake later on. Joel's parents honored him by allowing him to make mistakes. They didn't say, "I told you so." They simply allowed him to learn from his own experience, but they didn't rescue him either.

Developing good decision-making skills gives kids the ability to define a problem, look at consequences of various alternatives, and then choose the best solution among the options. Having open discussions about decisions and then allowing children to solve some problems for themselves communicates honor to them. It says, "I believe in you. You have what it takes."

Your Child has a Conscience

2010-01-12T08:13:00.002-06:00

God has placed a conscience inside your child to help your child do four things: Do what's right, deal with wrongs, be honest, and care about others.

The Bible uses the word conscience 30 times in the New Testament. Twenty of those times by the Apostle Paul, five were written to Timothy to help him understand the importance of the conscience as a young pastor.

The biblical concept of the conscience is important for parents to understand. After all, if it's standard operating equipment inside of your child, placed there by God, you'll want to work with it and help strengthen it.

The conscience helps a child become internally motivated. Unfortunately, many children rely on external prompters, including their parents, to get things done. And unfortunately, many parents encourage their kids in that direction by over-emphasizing bribes and threats.

We're not suggesting that you have to get rid of the rewards and punishments. We do know though that the primary goal is to help children develop an internal motivation to do the right thing.

Be on the lookout for internal motivation in your kids and affirm it. When your child takes initiative to help, apologizes for wrong, tells the truth, or does the right thing even when it's tough, use the opportunity to affirm the God-given initiative coming from the heart.

As you work to strengthen and develop the conscience in your child, you'll see more and more internal movivation. When you focus on the conscience good things happen.

10 Questions part 9 and 10

2010-01-11T08:11:00.000-06:00

9. How does your child handle emotions?

Although emotions are God given, they have to be managed or they can damage relationships. Proverbs 29:11 tells us, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Self-control is important. The conscience can help children by prompting them when their emotions have crossed the line. Even positive emotions like excitement can get out of control resulting in a person becoming irritating to others or not knowing when to quit. Many children need help understanding and managing their emotions. Spend extra time this year helping your children develop emotional control. It will help them for the rest of their lives.

10. How is your child's personal relationship with God?

One of the purposes of the conscience is to point to God (Romans 2:15). Every person has a conscience as an internal witness to the fact that God exists. The conscience points to sin in our lives and salvation cleanses the conscience (Hebrews 10:22). Talking about the conscience with children can be an excellent way to help them develop a personal faith.

A biblical understanding of the conscience reveals that it is part of God's internal motivation system that functions best when it is cleansed through salvation, empowered by the Holy Spirit, and relies on God's Word. Then it can help children to do what's right, deal with wrongs, be honest, and care about others.

10 Questions part 7 and 8

2010-01-07T10:01:00.002-06:00

7. How does your child handle temptation?

One of the enemies of the conscience is temptation. We all want our kids to be like Daniel in the Bible. Daniel 1:8 says "Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself with the portion of the king's meat." We all want our children to grow up to withstand temptation. That work starts now but children need a plan. Heroes have a plan to handle the temptations of life. Spend time talking to your children about tempting situations and start developing hypothetical plans to deal with real life situations. Remind children that God has placed within them a conscience and the Holy Spirit to remind them to do what's right and avoid wrongs, even when parents aren't around.

8. Is your child internally motivated?

Many children rely on parental prompters to get things done or correct wrongs. Children with a strong conscience are internally motivated in these areas instead of waiting for external prompters. Of course, many parents get stuck in the middle, always having to tell their kids to do even the smallest things. Take time this year to help your children manage themselves, watch the clock, lok at a room before they leave it to see if they've left something undone behind. Affirm children for signs of maturity in this area. The conscience is part of God's internal motivation system. It needs to be developed.

10 Questions Part 5 and 6

2010-01-06T08:15:00.001-06:00

5. Does your child show genuine care for others?

Caring about others is another prompting of the conscience and is certainly one of the characteristics of heroes. Unfortunately, some children are rather self-focused, self-absorbed, and cold-hearted. They need work in the development of their consciences in this area. One idea is to plan ways to care for others. Stories like the Good Samaritan help children recognize the responsibility they have to show kindness to others. You might end each day by asking, "What random act of kindness did you do today?" That question asked regularly provides accountability and an expectation that in your family, you're out to be heroes in practical ways by caring for others.

6. How does your child handle correction?

Many children view correction as an enemy, some sign of inadequacy or unworthiness. But the Bible has a different take on correction. Proverbs 6:23 tells us, "The corrections of discipline are the way to life." That means that correction is one of the ways that we learn. You can learn by reading a book, watching a video, listening to a coach, or doing some research. But another valuable way to learn is through correction. Of course, in order for children to value correction, many parents need to value it first, instead of seeing it as an interuptions in their lives. This year plan margin into your life for correction. After all, correction times are often great opportunities for heart work.

10 Questions to Evaluate the Strenth of your child's conscience part 3 and 4

2010-01-05T08:05:00.002-06:00

3. How does your child handle mistakes and offenses?

Another sign of maturity is the ability to respond well when you've done the wrong thing. After all, the conscience prompts people on the inside when they've hurt someone, made a mistake, or done the wrong thing. But many kids don't know how to respond well to offenses. Instead, they react by blaming, rationalizing, justifying, and getting angry. Kids need a plan for dealing with wrongs. Plan to spend extra time this year teaching children how to handle their mistakes and offenses, learn from them, experience forgiveness, and move forward in life.

4. How is your child doing with honesty?

The conscience prompts a person to be honest. In fact, when you lie, cheat, or steal, the conscience provides a prompting in your heart that you've done the wrong thing. Spend some time teaching your kids how valuable integrity is. It has a number of practical benefits like receiving the benefit of the doubt, the privilege of privacy, the enjoyment of trustworthiness and most importantly, a peace on the inside, instead of the fear of wondering when you'll get caught.

10 Questions to Evaluate the Strenth of your Child's Conscience part 1 and 2

2010-01-04T08:15:00.003-06:00

As you enter the new year, take a few minutes and consider your own parenting. You might want to set some goals for your child's development this year. The following questions can be used in your family to help your children understand the biblical concept of the conscience and then take practical steps to strengthen it.

1. How is your child doing at taking initiative?

One of the sings of maturity at any age is learning to see what needs to be done and doing it. Part of the conscience training is helping children to be more sensitive to things that need to be done. But seeing the problem isn't good enough. Responding is also importnat. Heroes look for things that are out of place or need to be fixed, and they take action. Talk to your kids about being heroes now, in the small things of life. After all David didn't start being a hero by killing Goliath. He started by demonstrating responsibility with the sheep, practicing his musical instrument, and learning the skill of using his sling. Being a hero starts in the small things of life.

2. What convictions does your child have?

All children have convictions. Some are erroneous or just simply wrong. For example, some children believe that if a brother is irritating then they have the right to punch him. Others believe that they should be able to get to the next level of the video game before responding to Mom's instructions. The conscience uses convictions for making decisions. The best convictions come from the Bible. Choose to make this year a year of helping children understand how God's Word is relevant for their lives.

Christmas, A Time to teach Generosity

2009-12-15T12:00:00.001-06:00

Christmas is a highlight in the life of most children, but much of the benefit is focused on what they get. Of course one of the blessings of Christmas is giving, so look for ways to teach children generosity this year. Here are some ideas:

Involve kids in your gift giving strategy or help them develop their own. Planning, shopping, and wrapping can each provide ways for children to think about blessing others.

Anticipate with your children the delight others will experience when the gifts are opened. Help your child enjoy the fun others will have when receiving gifts.

Ask children the question: "What are you doing this year to make Christmas special for others?" This question alone can help teens think of others instead of just themselves. A short discussion can help move kids from selfish tendencies to generosity.

And most importantly, remind children of the generosity of God by sending us a special gift in his son.

Christmas: A time for Make-Believe?

2009-12-14T08:56:00.002-06:00

What will your family do with Santa Claus, reindeer, elves, and a sleigh? Will you make them part of your Christmas tradition or not?

Some families choose to make this one of those examples of ways that we, as Christians, are different from the world and we celebrate the true meaning of Christmas instead of the secular version.

Other families weave the fun of these traditions into their family life, but emphasize to children the tru meaning of Christmas.

If you choose to make Santa a part of your Christmas tradition, be sure to teach children the difference between make-believe and reality. You might say, "Santa isn't real but we like to play the Santa game at Christmas."

Some children who come to this shocking discovery that Santa isn't real, question whether their parents are telling them the truth in other areas of life. Some even think, "Is Jesus real? Or is he another thing my parents made up for me?"

Christmas traditions can be a lot of fun. Just be careful what you're teaching and how children are putting it all together in their heads. And be sure to remind your children often about the tru meaning of Christmas.

Thanksgiving Break

2009-11-24T08:42:00.003-06:00

I'm taking a little break from blogging through the Thanksgiving Week. I'll get back on here on Monday.

Have a great Thanksgiving.

Be Careful with Triangles

2009-11-23T08:22:00.001-06:00

Triangles in relationships happen often in family life. Conflict between two people can become an invitation for another person to join in. If parents aren't careful, and create triangles inappropriately, people get hurt. But if triangles are used properly, they become great opportunities for healing and learning. Here are some examples to watch out for:

- A child who is unhappy with Dad's discipline may go to Mom and try to get her to overrule a decision.
- A dad may criticize the way Mom is handling a situation.
- A child may go to Dad with a proposal to get around Mom's instructions.
- A teen may get angry with Mom for the way she's treating his brother.
- One child may tattle on another.

Each of these situations represents an opportunity. Some advice suggests that triangles are always wrong and warn not to get involved. We don't believe that's the answer. Rather we suggest you triangle in as a counselor or coach instead of a critic.

When you decide to triangle into a relationship, be careful. You may be right, but being right is not enough. You also need to be wise. Be careful about taking sides and creating more division in the strained relationship. Instead, look for ways to bring healing.

The key is to focus on the issues of the person who comes to you. When Billy tattles on his brother by saying, "mom, Sam left the light on again," take time to talk to Billy about how he should handle the situation. Maybe the right thing is for Billy to go turn it off. Your role in the situation is important because you work with the problem from the perspective of the person who comes to you. Invariably, that person needs help and guidance to know how to respond to the challenge.

Triangles are opportunities for people to learn and grow. Identify them and take advantage of them, but be careful not to get sucked into the conflict in unhealthy ways.

A Lesson in Honor

2009-11-19T10:07:00.000-06:00

Honor changes kids, but sometimes it's hard to communicate its importance to children. One way that you can teach honor is by modeling it as you extend hospitality to others.

We live in a compartmentalized society. Many of the entertainment options today decrease interaction between people and have them feeling lonely. It's an honor to be invited over for dinner or for an evening of games and activities.

Opening your home is an excellent way to extend grace and honor to others and it's good for your kids. Talk with your children about who you're going to invite and why. Plan the evening together and talk about how you'll treat your guests as special. Afterwards, talk about how things went and emphasize the positive things that happened and how you all worked together to show honor to others.

1 Peter 4:9 gives an interesting command to believers. "Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling." Use that verse before, during, and after to help your children understand the benefits of honoring others.

So, who can you invite over this week? Not only will you bless others, but also you'll be blessed yourself. And your kids are always watching and learning.

For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family consider the book "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, in You and Your kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Servant for the Day

2009-11-17T09:11:00.002-06:00

Children often compete with each other in order to be first or best. This tendency on the part of children comes from selfishness, a major roadblock to sibling harmony. The solution is to learn how to be a servant, but how do you convince a five-year-old or a twelve-year-old that being a servant is a valuable thing?

As parents we have to look for positive ways to frame the maturity issues that we know are best, but seem unreasonable to our children. In this case, you might try having a "servant for the Day." This child not only sets the table and takes out the trash but also gets some extra "Mommy time," helps with dinner, and sits next to Dad during story time. Throughout the course of the day, Mom has an opportunity to talk about more subtle aspects of servanthood that involve how children talk, listen, and even think.

Take time to praise demonstrations of servanthood. One child may not get the first turn or the biggest piece, but he gets the praise of Mom for being the mature one. That's a far more valuable reward.

Teaching children to be servants will promote harmony in your family. Becoming a servant will help children deal with the continual desire to build themselves up while putting others down. Learning servanthood is a way to honor others in the family and it brings honor back as well.

Who demonstrated servanthood recently in your family? How can you point that out and encourage it today?

Recognizing Foolishness

2009-11-12T08:44:00.002-06:00

One of the greatest sources of sibling conflict is foolishness. Children often don't recognize the future consequences of their present actions. Billy trips his younger sister. Karen teases her brother until he cries. Martin takes his sister's CD player and uses up the batteries. All of these are examples of children not anticipating the consequences of their actions.

One of the ways that you can recognize foolishness is to listen to flags. Excuses like, "I was just kidding" or "I didn't mean it" or "I was just playing around" or "I didn't do anything wrong" are all cues that a child is not taking responsibility for foolish behavior. Children often evaluate life in terms of black and white and when they do something foolish the behavior may not have been wrong. These children don't recongnize that a good behavior can sometimes be wrong because it leads to something bad.

The first solution is to help children learn to take responsibility for their part of the problem. This is hard for many children who view mistakes as a sign of weakness. Help children take responsibility for foolishness and you will go a long way to teach them about wisdom.

You might ask, "What could you have done differently to aviod this problem?" This question helps children look at an offense a little differently. Instead of evaluating it based on right or wrong, now the behavior is judged based on its foresight and wisdom.

Of course the solution for foolishness is to help children learn wisdom. You want to help them anticipate the consequences of their actions. Tell stories of people who didn't see what was coming. And of course pray with your children because God says in James 1:5, "If you lack wisdom, ask God."

For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family consider the book "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, in You and Your Kids." by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Teach Kids to Make Wise Decisions

2009-11-11T09:51:00.002-06:00

Look for ways to coach your children to make their own decisions or to think about how decisions need to be made. You may even want to encourage cooperative decision making when a child comes to ask for something.

Cooperative decision-making teaches children valuable skills of negotiation, compromise, communication, and creating alternatives. Mutual honor is demonstrated in the midst of cooperation.

How might you respond to this question: "Mom, will you take me to the store right now?"

Would you say, "no, I'm busy" or "Okay, let's go"? Those might be simple answers to the request but why not turn this into a cooperative learning experience about how we make such decisions.

Try saying, "Why don't you tell me more. I'm working on something right now. Let's work this out together."

Sometimes we make the error of emphasizing parental authority and other times we simply try to please our children. Neither is wrong but we might miss a valuable teaching opportunity.

Problem solving and decision-making become the garden where honor flourishes because children learn that the process is just as important as the end result. You can help children consider the ramifications of a particular decision. You might ask, "How will your brother feel if you do that?" Or, "I'm wondering how your friend feels when you eat a cookie in front of him."

Every problem we solve and decision we make has potential to show honor. Don't just tell kids what to do- ask questions. Sometimes there's nothing actualy wrong with our decisions, but can we be more honoring? Great lessons are taught through coperative decision-making.

For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family consider the book "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, in You and Your Kids" by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

A Practical Way to Teach Responsibility

2009-11-03T09:02:00.002-06:00

Some children can't seem to do anything without getting distracted. One mom, Heather, said "When I tell my five-year-old son, James, to go get his shoes on because we've got to leave, he doesn't come back. When I go look, I find him sitting on the floor playing with his cars. And it's not just his shoes. Whenever I tell him to do something he gets sidetracked. I have to yell at him continually to get anything done."

Heather needs to use her frustation to identify the cause of the problem. James is easily distracted, but the deeper issue has to do with irresponsibility. Yes, he is only five years old, but James needs to learn to follow through with a job his mom gives him. This is the beginning of responsibility training.

Most children don't naturally feel an internal weight of responsibility. You can help develop it by watching your kids accomplish assignments and waiting for them to report back. Heather may say, "James, we've got to go so please get your shoes and bring them back to me. I'm going to wait right here in the doorway for you to report back."

As you wait, watch for distration. At first James may need very close monitoring but as he realizes that he needs to report back and that Mom hasn't forgotten about the job, he will feel the pressure to accomplish the task. Children who need constant reminders lack the character quality of responsibility. They need closer supervision, smaller tasks, and more frequent times of checking in.

Even older children sometimes have a problem with irresponsibility. Yelling isn't necessary- more accountability is. It takes more work to wait or watch, but your investment now will give your children a valuable gift. Responsibility is the ability to complete a task even when no one is watching.

Responsibility training happens in a good instruction process. In Matthew 25, Jesus told a parable about three stewards who were given talents and the responsibility to invest them. Two of the stewards were faithful; one was not. God wants us to be faithful stewards and the roots of faithfulness are taught to children as you teach them to follow directions and report back.

For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, read the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN

When Children Resist Instructions

2009-10-26T08:11:00.001-05:00

When a child continually demonstrates resistance to instructions, then it's time to decide whether you need to emphasize relationship more or you need to discipline for a lack of responsiveness.

Sometimes we take our children for granted, order them around, and don't appreciate them enough. The result is children who tend to resist instructions. If that's the case in your family then it's time to show more love and emphasize the value of your relationships together.

On the other hand, some children resist instructions because of poor character. Training is work and some children need to learn how to demonstrate genuine responsiveness when someone wants to talk with them. If you ask your son to come help in the kitchen, and before you finish your instruction he's whining and complaining, then stop the process. You may have to postpone discipline for a time because you need to get the table set in order to stay on schedule, but don't just let it go.

After dinner, talk to your son and confront him about his poor attitude. Explain the importance of cooperation and that you're going to have him help you with dinner every evening for a while. Increasing the workload to give more opportunity to practice may be just the constructive consequence needed to build a cooperative attitude. Kids want life to be easy. The reality is that life is hard. Cooperation is an essential character quality all children need and now’s the time to teach it.

For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, consider the Parenting is Heart Work Training Manuals and CDs. Lesson One outlines a five step Instruction Routine and helps you know how to teach it

When Giving Instructions, Consider the Timing

2009-10-19T07:54:00.001-05:00

An important step in a good instruction routine is to consider timing. Parents who realize that a child needs an instruction must stop and think of the best way to present it. Ask yourself, "How can I communicate this problem to my child in the most effective way?" Pausing for just a moment, or in some cases, waiting a few hours, may prove to be the most productive way to deal with a situation.For instance, it's tempting to greet Jenny when she arrives home from school, "Jenny, you didn't take out the trash this morning and your bedroom's a mess." This kind of ambush focuses more on the issue than on the relationship.

Instead, a dad might say to his daughter, "Hi Jenny, I'm glad you're home" and then engage Jenny in dialogue about her day for a few minutes. After relationship has been reestablished, he could then say, "After you put your books away and get a snack, would you please come and see me? I have a couple of things to talk to you about." In this way Dad is trying to be sensitive to the timing of his instructions.

Considering the timing is a small way of saying, "I love you" to a child even in the midst of the work of family life. You'll want to make different adjustments in this area depending on the age of your child. Young children need to learn obedience, so we may give less warning and expect a prompt response. Older children, and certainly teenagers, need more time to prepare themselves. Teens will need to adjust their own expectations or agendas. This takes some work for the teen and patience for the parent.

For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, consider the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

The Gratefulness Principle

2009-10-13T13:42:00.000-05:00

Gratitude increases closeness in relationships. As you parent your children, look for opportunities to take advantage of gratefulness to draw closer to your kids. Give your children small gifts of love day after day. Be careful, though, that you don’t confuse the gratefulness principle with the overindulgence trap.

Some parents, wanting their children to like them, recognize giving gifts opens the heart, so they overdo it by giving them too many things. Giving to your kids must be tied into relationship, or the gifts feed selfishness instead of gratefulness.

Overindulgence is giving your children more than their character can handle. When children lack gratitude, then the more you give them, the less they appreciate. Parents must restrain themselves or they’ll exceed their children’s ability to manage the blessings.

Overindulged children rarely become grateful when you give them more things. They grow to be more demanding and selfish. Parents then feel unappreciated and become resentful. The hearts of both parents and children harden toward each other, and closeness becomes a thing of the past.

If your children become overindulged rather than grateful, then pull back on the area where you’re giving too much. Look for creative ways to give differently to your child. Teaching the heart gratefulness can be a challenge. Having a child say thank you is just behavior. Gratefulness comes from the heart.

Monitor your child’s response to gifts of love to determine if you’re growing gratitude or overindulgence. As gratefulness increases, you can slowly give blessings in a way that will produce more gratefulness. You’ll know if you’re moving too quickly by your child’s response.

This tip comes from the book, Parenting is Heart Work by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

You Be the Leader Game

2009-10-12T08:43:00.002-05:00

One activity that fosters cooperation in family life is the "You be the Leader" game. This game has three parts. In the first part, choose an activity and someone to lead. The activity might be cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, washing the car, raking the leaves, organizing the playroom, shopping for groceries, or some other household chore. The leader could be Dad or Mom or one of the children. It's best to play this several times and change the leader.

In the second part of the activity the leader leads the family to complete the task. This is often a challenge when a seven-year-old or fifteen-year-old is leading, but that's all part of the lesson. Don't break roles and take over the leadership.

When Dad isn't the leader, he might begin to argue and then catch himself and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. That wasn't honoring." When Mom isn't leading, she may begin to complain in a whiny voice. Actions like these add to the fun and become visual examples of problems that followers experience.

The third part of the game is the most important. Sit down and discuss the experience. Ask questions like, "What did you find difficult about leading?" "What did you find difficult about following?" "Do you prefer to lead or follow?" "Why?" "What makes leading easy?" "What makes following easy?" Use these questions to talk about your specific experience, but also discuss leading and following in general. Be transparent and share some of the struggles you face.

After doing this activity, one mom shared that she would prefer to follow but is often thrown into a leadership role. Dad, on the other hand, would prefer to lead in some situations but he must follow because Mom is regularly involved in that area of family life. The young daughter shared how leading is made more difficult when followers complain or are uncooperative. Dad also talked about being a follower at work. Sometimes he needs to be a helpful participant, and look for opportunities to encourage others to reach their goals.

For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family consider the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Five Causes of Anger

2009-10-05T09:15:00.001-05:00

Some parents have a hard time analyzing their anger to get anything positive out of it. A helpful way to uncover what’s behind your anger is to recognize anger’s five basic causes. These five causes overlap at points and you may find that the situation you’re experiencing fits more than one, but this list is often helpful to bring some rationale to feelings. Use these causes to guide your self-reflection when you start to feel angry and then move into a more healthy response.

1. Physical Pain - When a child hits you or you step on a sharp toy, your anger may, in part, be fueled by the physical pain you experience.

2. Blocked Goals - Trying to leave the house by 7:35 am and turning to see that your three-year-old took her shoes off again can lead to anger.

3. Violated Rights - When her five-year-old is knocking on the bathroom door, a mom may feel angry and think, “I have the right to go to the bathroom in peace.” A dad may believe that he has a right to come home and have a few minutes to relax in quiet before taking on family problems

4. Unfairness - When a mom sees a big brother picking on his sister, or a younger child harassing an older one, she may get angry because of the obvious unfairness of the situation. A dad may feel it’s unfair that he has to help bathe the kids after putting in a hard day’s work.

5. Unmet Expectations - A mom might say, “I expected to arrive home from work to cook dinner, but instead I come home to this mess!” Unmet expectations seem to go along with the job of parenting but often result in angry feelings.

Discovering what is causing your angry feelings will often help you see where your child needs to grow or change, giving you more insight into how to discipline most effectively. Understanding the five causes of anger can help you as you relate to your family.

Each time you feel angry, stop for a minute and try to identify which of these is the cause. Putting a label on your feelings may help you redirect some of that energy to a more productive response. You may begin to see patterns in yourself and identify one particular cause that is more common for you. This observation can help you know how to adjust your reaction.

This tip was taken from the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Three Ideas for Good Communication

2009-09-28T08:40:00.001-05:00

Learn How to Start

The way you present an issue often determines the response. Sometimes it’s best to address a problem immediately, while other times waiting a few hours is more appropriate. Wisely choose a time, place, and approach with the goal of not just rebuking, but correcting, and finding resolution. "Lisa, I'd like to talk about the way you treated me earlier. Is now a good time or should we talk after dinner?"

Learn When to Stop

Once a dialogue has developed, have discernment to know when to stop. Some parents feel like they must win an argument or come to resolution by the end of the conversation so they end up pushing too hard. Other times emotions get too involved. Still other parents end a simple correction with preaching, bringing up the past, or making exaggerated statements about the offense.

In any case, it’s important for parents to know when to take a break or simply stop the conversation. "I think we better stop here. Things are getting pretty tense. We need to continue this conversation, but let's take a break for now. Maybe we'll think of some other ideas in the meantime to help resolve this problem." Learning when to stop during conflict is a very important skill.

Learn How to Listen

Conflict represents opportunity. Children watch parents handle conflict and observe how they resolve differences. Listening and affirming a young person’s thinking is an honoring step in conflict management.

“I understand you'd discipline your sister differently. Your ideas make sense. At this point, I have to make the decision and I’m going to emphasize something different, but I appreciate your ideas.” Affirming or validating a child's thinking or reasoning is helpful for their development.

As you dialogue with your kids, you must learn to tolerate criticism. Many discussions you have will open the door for your teen to criticize you. Don't feel threatened or take these jabs personally. Use them to discuss issues and explain your decisions. If you can be transparent enough to use yourself as an example, your children will learn much more about life.

This parenting tip is taken from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. It's a book about honor and talks about how we treat one another inside and outside the family.

Making Parenting Shifts

2009-09-21T08:38:00.001-05:00

As children grow and mature, parents must make adjustments in the way they parent. Some of those changes are minor or subtle; others are more significant. In the same way that children go through developmental stages, parents must learn to adapt by shifting the way they interact, care for, and discipline their children. Just when you think you've got it all figured out, your child changes and you feel like you're starting all over again.

For instance, when that tiny infant comes home from the hospital, the baby quickly becomes the focus of attention. The infant sets the schedule for feedings and for sleeping. Often both parents have to adapt their lives around one small child. However, as your baby begins to grow and develop, you change too. You no longer jump for every cry. You begin to set limits on a mobile child and determine a meal schedule for a toddler. One major parenting shift takes place when infants become toddlers.

A common parenting mistake happens when parents don't make the teenage parenting shift. They continue to treat their teens as if they were nine or ten years old. Parents who don't make the necessary adjustments, experience increased friction and frustration in family dynamics. As children mature, parents can now communicate with them in a more adult manner by listening and explaining. Change comes through compromise and mutual agreement rather than always strictly complying with the parents' instructions.

Teens need more discussion about issues and concerns. Discipline involves more explaining and talking rather than just requiring compliance. A parent may say, "I'm not going to make you give your little brother one of the cookies you made for school, but I'd like to talk about it. I'd like to hear what you're thinking because it seems selfish to me."

As your children grow, be ready to grow with them and make the necessary changes to influence them effectively.

This parenting tip is taken from the chapter on teens in the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. It's a book about honor and talks about how we treat one another inside and outside the family.

Should We Protect Them?

2009-09-17T11:21:00.001-05:00

Should I protect my kids from the pain and bad influences of the world or should I let them learn what the world is all about?

It's a good question and the answer is that we do both. Sometimes outside influences undermine the very lessons we're trying to teach our children. Kids imitate others and are sometimes easily drawn into foolishness and negative behavior patterns. Poor role models teach poor responses to conflict, angry reactions to disappointment, and bad attitudes of various kinds. Many children are easily drawn in to inappropriate actions and thinking patterns.

Although protection can be helpful for a period of time, it's also productive to have children see the contrast between their family and those that are falling apart. Furthermore, when your children can take a stand for what's right, others benefit and so do they.

Each child is different and the key questions have to do with character. Is your child responsible? We like to define responsibility as doing what's right even when no one is watching. Can your child take a stand for righteousness even under pressure? If not, then maybe allowing too much freedom too early will hinder instead of help the child's growth and maturity.

Of course, as children become more responsible and mature, they can help others who aren't. Many people lack the basic skills that your children are learning. When they're ready, your kids can be great assets to others who are struggling. When making such important decisions you have to take each child's character into account. Don't measure maturity by age. Use character as your measuring stick.

This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. It's a book about honor and talks about how we treat one another inside and outside the family.

Learn to Recognize Emotional Signals

2009-09-15T08:47:00.001-05:00

The minor emotional signals you experience many times a day can help you know when and how to discipline your children. This takes some work and you may need to spend time educating yourself on the emotional signals you're already receiving.

Imagine a car's control panel with many little lights. They flash occasionally, sometimes even intensely. With experience you begin to learn about all those lights and what they mean. One indicates that the oil pressure is low, another reveals that the trunk is open. Yet another tells you that it's time to take the car in for maintenance. Emotions are like those little lights. It takes time to understand what they mean and how to respond rightly to them. When you become more in touch with the emotional signals in relationships and are more sensitive to others then you can begin to respond in healthier ways.

Hundreds of times a day, you make decisions about life. You'd be surprised at how many times it's a minor emotional signal that gets you started. A salesman knows just the right time to close the deal. A husband is amazed at his wife's perceptiveness to sense a problem in their son. A teacher decides to let the class take a stretch break. If you ask those people how they knew how to respond to a situation, they may not be able to articulate what it was that gave them the clue. They just felt as if it was the right thing to do.

If you analyze all of the above situations, you will discover that each involved specific objective signals that don't have to do with emotions. People relied on details that they saw, heard, or remembered. However, those cues trigger emotional responses, not intellectual reason. Salesmen, teachers, and parents often learn to look for signals and clues in others in the form of expressions or behavior. But some of the best skill comes from an emotional sense that this is the right response for the current situation.

Considering emotional cues may seem contradictory to what you've heard in the past. We've all been warned, "Be careful about making decisions based on emotions." That's good advice, especially as you're growing in your experience, because emotions can give unclear signals about life situations. It would be unwise to leave the house messy just because you don't feel like cleaning it, or confront someone just because he made you mad. That's not what we're talking about here.

When a decision is very important it's essential to base it on more than a hunch or an emotional cue, but you'd be surprised how anger can become an asset in your parenting if you learn to keep it in check and understand what it is telling you.

To learn more about emotions and parenting, take a look at the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Correction's First Step

2009-09-14T08:08:00.001-05:00

When you need to correct your child, start with calm words, avoiding threats or harshness. If children can respond to words then no further consequence is necessary. After all, that’s the mature way to handle conflict and mistakes. When a boss sees an employee doing something wrong, the best thing is to start with words of correction. If that doesn’t work, the boss may have to bring in some other kind of consequence.

You're teaching your child something very important when you start the correction process with words. You might even say to your child, "If words work, then that’s all we need. If you don’t respond to my words, then we’ll have to go to the next step.” Whether you’re working with a preschooler jumping on the couch or a sixteen-year-old coming in past curfew, the principle is the same—start with words of correction.

We’re not suggesting that every time there’s an offense, you have a dialogue. If your son hits and you’ve already talked about hitting, then you can just proceed to the next step. What you’re trying to do, however, is train your children to eventually receive correction through words without needing a further consequence.

Although your kids may need more than words at first, over time you’re moving them in the direction they should go in order to listen to God. It’s always best to respond to the whispers of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. But when we don’t listen, he’ll use other ways to get our attention. As parents, we don’t like to go further, but we will if we have to. Children need to see that their responsiveness or resistance determines the extent of the correction.

For more on how to build a good Correction Routine with your children, consider the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

The Value of Training

2009-09-08T08:22:00.001-05:00

Every day you're training your children to become healthy responsible adults. Is it okay to get up and walk away in the middle of a meal? Is it acceptable to leave the table without helping to clean it up? Is it all right to eat without saying thank you to the one who prepared the meal? How will kids learn what's appropriate if you don't train them?

Unfortunately, as parents we get upset when our children need lots of correction or when they can't seem to change right away. It is true that some problems our children have take longer to overcome than others. Our response as parents is important, though. Our exasperation can damage the relationship. Firmness is important but the harshness can do more harm than good.

Kids make mistakes. Whether the errors are deliberate or accidental, children need a godly way to think in order to get back on track. Identify an issue you wish would change in one of your children. It might be arguing whenever you give an instruction or complaining when life doesn't go just right. Break the problem down and think of the alternatives you wish your child could do or think.

Talk about healthy alternatives and look for positive ways to motivate your child to maturity. You may have to use consequences to motivate change but don't neglect the potential of teaching new patterns of thinking, developing new skills, and giving children a vision for doing what's right.

Most of all, be patient. Training takes time and implies lots of work. You're a coach and your children are in training. Give your kids a vision for living life on a different level and they will grow into some great relating patterns.

This idea was taken from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Teaching Kids to Pray

2009-09-03T07:53:00.001-05:00

Written by Marcia McQuitty

In a daily newspaper column, Dr. Billy Graham received the following question from a seven-year-old boy. “Will God hear my prayers, or does He just hear my parents’ prayers?” This question reminds us of the importance of teaching the children which God has given to us clearly, intentionally, and knowledgeably in the areas of spiritual discipline.

WHY teach preschoolers and children to pray?

Jesus clearly taught His disciples that children were important to Him and that they could be taught spiritual truths. In the Gospel of Mark we read: “Some people were bringing little children to Him so He might touch them, but His disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw it, He was indignant and said to them, ‘Let the children come to Me. Don’t stop them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these’… After taking them in His arms, He laid His hands on them and blessed them” (Mark 10:13-17). Jesus welcomed the parents and the children they were bringing to Him. By taking time for the children, Jesus showed the parents and the disciples that children are valuable and worthy of our time, relationships, and instruction.

Preschoolers and children can and will learn about prayer and how to pray if they have significant adults in their lives who are willing to teach them. In the Old Testament the child Samuel was a gift from God to a praying mother. As a result of this answered prayer, Samuel was taken to the temple to be taught by Eli the priest. God spoke to Samuel at a very young age and gave him a message to give to Eli, a man who had not always been obedient to the Lord. Eli said to Samuel, “What was the message He gave you? Don’t hide it from me.” Samuel gave God’s message to Eli, and Samuel grew and the Lord was with him. (1 Samuel 3:17-19) From this passage we see the value and importance God placed on one small boy.

HOW early can we teach preschoolers and children to pray?

When a child is born, there exists a potential for the child to have a relationship with his Creator. From birth the child develops physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, and spiritually. Significant adults need to nurture the spiritual development of preschoolers by teaching them that prayer is a way to talk to the God who created them.

We can teach the very young child about prayer by using appropriate language. In their presence we can thank God for their very lives, the provisions of life, the Bible as a gift to us from God, and the people placed in our families and church. “Thank You, God” should be the first prayer taught to the developing child. As the child grows, the prayers can be expanded to include more relationships and content. Older children can be introduced to more developmentally appropriate ways of learning about prayer and how to pray.

WHAT are developmentally appropriate ways to teach prayer?

We teach preschoolers and children to pray by modeling and intentional instruction. Sometimes modeling is done without intentional instruction but often they are linked together. When a professor of missions at Southwestern Seminary grew up in a very poor family, he was asked by his mother to go to the nearby store and purchase food. When given the list and some money, he asked his mother if he could have money for shoes because he did not have any to wear. She replied by saying, “Let’s pray.” They knelt together by a chair, and she asked God for money to buy him shoes. When he got to the store, the man who helped him asked him why he was not wearing any shoes and he replied, “Because there’s no money for shoes.” The man filled the grocery list and also gave him a note for his mother along with money for shoes. That afternoon they went to purchase the shoes and when asked by friends where the shoes had come from, the young boy proudly answered, “From the Lord!” Years have passed and this professor still remembers the need for shoes, the prayer of his mother, and the provision of the Lord.
We teach preschoolers and children to pray by making prayer a part of each teaching opportunity at church. On Sunday mornings, I teach a wonderful class of kindergartners. At the close of each large group time, I ask the children if they would like to pray aloud. Sometimes I begin the time of prayer with simple explanations about prayer, why we pray, what kinds of prayers we pray, and how God loves to hear and answer our prayers.

We can teach preschoolers and children to pray by using our Southern Baptist missions education material which provides inspiring stories about missionaries and the work they are doing around the world. We need to use prayer calendars, maps, pictures, etc., to help the children we teach see the people around the world who need our specific prayers. The International Mission Board and North American Mission Board Web sites can give you specific prayer needs of missionaries.

We can teach older children to pray by using developmentally appropriate learning activities like the following:

Keep a personal prayer journal with prayer requests and answered prayer.

Read and collect a list of Bible verses and Bible stories about prayer.

Make prayer chains and other prayer reminders to keep at home.

Go on prayer walks in the neighborhoods and around the church.

Hear the testimonies of other Christians who have prayed specific prayers that were answered by God.

As we teach preschoolers and children, we must keep the big picture in our minds and hearts. What the Lord said to the prophet Jeremiah is also true today. “‘For I know the plans I have for you’—[this is] the LORD’s declaration—‘plans for [your] welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. You will call to Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart’” (Jeremiah 29:11-13). Research and experience tell us that what we teach and model for preschoolers and children will last a life time.

In order to prepare our children to live for Christ in the world today, we need to equip them with the wisdom and power to be found in prayer. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6). Jesus is not only a friend to our children but He wants to be their constant companion as they travel the road to adulthood…and learn to pray!

Parenting Lessons I've Learned Lately

2009-09-02T13:48:00.003-05:00

Well, my boy is about to turn 2 on Friday and thought it might be good to get a bit of input on the topic of parenting so I have been doing some thinking. While much of it so far has been more reinforcing what we’re already doing by instinct – it’s also been helpful to be given frameworks for some of the concepts.

While much of it is common sense in some regards being given language to describe the ideas gives us some more techniques to try.

A few of these techniques that I’ve enjoyed:

Escalation Trap – most parents have experienced it. It’s a pattern whereby you as a parent only seem to get your child to do anything by escalating your efforts to get their attention – ie shouting, screaming, threats and craziness. The child also uses the same technique to get what they want – (tantrums). When this pattern takes over a family things can get pretty crazy as everyone’s pattern of behavior is to only respond to escalated behavior and to get their way by escalating.

Ask, Say, Do – a cool little technique for teaching a child to do something. Instead of taking complete control of a situation and doing everything for the child you start by asking them what they think they need to do first (giving them an opportunity to say what the first step is). If they ’say’ it correctly you move on to ‘Doing’ but if they don’t you then ’say’ what they need to do first. ‘Do’ is all about the child doing with you assisting – rather than the other way around. Then when the first step is complete you go through the cycle again (ask, say, do). I’ve been using this one for a few days now – something about him being in control but there being a clear process seems to work well for him.

Accidental Rewards – where you reward bad behavior – sometimes just to make a child stop behaving badly (buying the toy they want when they’re throwing a tantrum in the supermarket) or sometimes inadvertently by giving the child attention when they’re doing something antisocial (laughing when the child throws mashed potato at their grandmother). The problem with these accidental rewards is that the child learns that the behavior can get them something and they’re sure to repeat it.

I think some of the other ‘lessons’ that I’ve found helpful are:

Telling not Asking – instead of saying ‘do you think it’s time for a bath now?’ saying ‘it’s time for a bath now’ – the first option gives the child the option to say no and then leaves you needing to convince or negotiate. The second option might also get a ‘no’ but is less likely to get that result. I guess it’s about assertive instructions rather than open ended ones.

Other Bad Instructions – there are a heap of other bad ways to give instructions – giving too many at once (telling a 3 year old to do anything more than 1 thing is too many), not giving clear or detailed enough instructions (telling a child to eat with their cutlery without having taken the time to show them how), giving instructions that are vague, too hard, from one room to another, with bad body language. I guess it’s made me realize that many times it’s not a child who’s being disobedient but me as a parent who is simply not communicating well.

Quality Time – I’ve always tried to set aside time for my boy. I usually try give put aside extended amounts of ‘quality time’. This week though part of the teaching was that quality time was often best in short sharp doses. Anything from 30 seconds to a couple of minutes of complete focus on a child is really important at multiple times during the day. I guess I ‘knew’ this and do it – but it was good to know that it’s not just about long periods of time.

Use Anger to Spark Creativity

2009-09-01T08:32:00.001-05:00

We say, "Anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them." Once you become aware of a problem, look for a more creative and productive way to solve it. When parents choose to reflect only anger, they limit themselves dramatically. Families benefit when they experiment with other emotional options as well.

Marilyn surprised her eight-year-old son after he put his feet on the table during dinner. She felt angry, but she chose to respond differently. "Do you know what the Bible says about beautiful feet?" she asked in a playful tone.

Expecting a harsh response the boy was shocked by his mother's question and curious about the answer. "No," he replied with question in his voice."

The Bible says, 'Beautiful are the feet of them who bring good news.' Now I have some good news for you. Dessert is only served to those whose feet are under the table." Marilyn made her point and she didn't have to use anger to do it. During dessert, several minutes after the previous incident, she made a passing request, "Please don’t put your feet on this table."

Her son responded, "Okay."This mom avoided what could have been an ugly scene by exercising some restraint on her anger and responding in a wise way. By stopping each time you feel angry and evaluating the situation, you can use anger to point out problems and then choose another strategy for your response.

This parenting tip comes from our book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids.

Teens Need Relationship

2009-08-27T09:24:00.001-05:00

Getting physically close to your child is important when giving instructions, especially with teenagers. Teens need relationship whether they'll admit it or not. In fact, the stronger the relationship, the less likely you'll get resistance.

Sometimes young people resent having to share in the workload of running a household. You might hear them say something like, "My parents are always ordering me around. It's like I'm their slave." Of course that's not true, but when parents take time to show value for the relationship before giving instructions, they can build a greater sense of teamwork.

When teens can't see how instruction is related to relationship, they’re more likely to justify unkind words or dishonoring actions when they don't like what you've told them to do. They don't understand that obedience is a demonstration of love. Getting physically close makes a statement about who we are together. Face-to-face contact says, "I care about you."

By affirming your relationship in the midst of the instruction, you teach your children an important lesson about the way God relates to us. Spirituality isn't just a list of do's and don'ts, but it comes within the confines of relationship.

Alex, a father of three said it well, "I had a picture in my mind of a Father who yells instructions down from heaven. Distance and harshness characterized my view of God. It wasn't until I became a dad and I remembered how my parents treated me that I began to see the connection. I was viewing God from what I had learned in my family growing up. I work hard now to give instructions in a more relational manner. It's amazing how something as simple as giving and receiving instructions can give you a perspective of who God is and how he relates to us."

For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, order the book, "Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids." To learn more about relating to teens, consider “Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, in You and Your Kids." Both of these books are authored by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Building Relationship Makes Kids More Responsive

2009-08-24T15:37:00.000-05:00

Many parents see a problem and start giving instructions immediately. This often means that they yell across the parking lot or bark commands from the other side of the house. We believe this approach isn't the best. It's not enough to see the need and tell someone to respond to it. That approach doesn't demonstrate value for the relationship. Parenting isn't just about getting tasks done; it's about building relationships at the same time.

Start by getting close to your child. Most of the time this means that before you give an instruction you call your child over to you. This presents a problem in many young families because preschoolers often don't come when they're called. The fact is, even older children don't come when they're called unless they are taught to do so.

Take time to teach your children how to come when you call them. It takes practice but it's well worth the work. Parents often ask, "What do I do in the grocery store when I call my preschooler and he runs away?" Well, the grocery store isn't the place to practice. That's the final exam! By practicing over and over at home and at the park, children are then able to respond in public.

Like every step in a good instruction routine, getting close to each other requires changes from both child and parent. Children also find it tempting to yell across the house. Now children learn that dialogue only takes place when relationship has been established through eye contact and being physically close together. Sometimes it's the small things that demonstrate that a parent cares or that a child is willing to listen. Putting down the paper, looking up from the computer, or just turning to face your child before you speak communicates the importance of what you are about to say.

Some parents report major improvement in a child's responsiveness when they just implement this step and give instructions only when the child is within a few feet. Sometimes that little nonverbal statement about your relationship is all that's needed to gain a more cooperative attitude from your child.

And what if that doesn't work? Well, it's only the first step. Four more steps are yet to come and you can read about them in the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

An Indirect Approach to Sibling Conflict

2009-08-20T10:59:00.001-05:00

One great way to challenge the sibling conflict problems in a household is to play games with your children. Games are miniature scenarios about real life. Whether you're playing a board game, a card game, or some kind of communication or role playing game, children have to use relational skills.

Playing games can teach children how to win, how to lose, how to show mercy, and how to talk humbly. As you play games with your children, model honor. Have fun and enjoy the game but avoid put downs, bragging, boasting, hurtful revenge, and meanness. That seems to be hard even for some parents these days.

Teach children how to win without being hurtful, how to lose without complaining, how to make a good move with humility, and show honor whether you're winning or losing. Kids need to see these things modeled in games so they can learn how to handle similar situations in life.

Choose your comments wisely as you correct or confront others who may not handle themselves well. You may let some things go, but your comments are important and children learn from the things you say.

You may see selfishness and bad attitudes demonstrate themselves. Look for loving ways to correct while still enjoying the game. Play games regularly and continue to look for ways to communicate honor and challenge dishonoring behavior and words. You'll be surprised at how much you can teach without your children even realizing they're in a classroom.

This tip comes from the chapter on teaching siblings to honor in the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Learning from Natural Consequences

2009-08-18T08:04:00.001-05:00

Sometimes the best way to help a child is by doing nothing and staying out of the way, allowing a natural consequence to provide the teaching. You’ve probably learned a number of things through natural consequences. Maybe more than you’d like to admit.
- save your sales receipt so you’ll have it if you need to return what you bought
- buy gas when your tank is on “E” even if you’re late for work
- don’t forget to water your plants
- don’t wash your husband’s red sweatshirt with his white underwear

Natural consequences allow life to provide its own lesson without outside intervention. When a parent intentionally stays out of a problem and makes little or no comment, the child has an opportunity to learn from life.

In the Bible, Peter was allowed to experience a natural consequence of lack of faith when he stepped out of the boat in Matthew 14. After he began to sink, however, Jesus was there to help him. Jesus also allowed Peter to make the mistake of denying him three times. No lectures or rebukes were needed; just a look from the master’s eyes and Peter was overcome with remorse. Many times in the gospels, Jesus allowed life to be the teacher and he took on the role of counselor or coach.

Natural consequences often happen if we, as parents, learn to keep quiet. The four-year-old who goes out to play on a hot day wearing a turtleneck learns by experience. The six-year-old who chooses to skip snack because she wants to continue her game may feel the pain later. The ten-year-old who spends all his money on one thing may wish he had not done so. Each of these experiences can be a learning opportunity if the parent responds wisely.

The question then is how are we going to respond? These may be tempting opportunities for parents to condemn, lecture, or put down a child. When you identify these situations in life, they are excellent opportunities to come alongside, express empathy, and help a child learn problem-solving skills.

This idea was taken from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Teaching Children to Affirm in Conversation

2009-08-13T13:30:00.001-05:00

Many children don't know how to listen without thinking about the next thing they want to say. Or if they do listen, they make statements like, "I know," or "I can do it better than that." Instead, teach children to affirm others in conversation. It's part of learning what it means to be a servant. Listening can be hard work. It requires that children think of the other person, not just of themselves.

Children can say, "I agree" or "You're right." Instead of launching into their own version of the story, teach them to encourage the other person first. "That must have been exciting," or "You saw a fun thing." Good responses in conversation are "Oh," "That's interesting," or to ask a question. Conversation can be self-serving or others-serving.

If your children continually talk and rarely listen, encourage them to affirm the last thing you said before they begin talking. Affirming others' speech is a skill that children will use forever and it helps them address a little of their own selfishness now. Furthermore, it makes conversations with children more pleasant and enjoyable.

This tip comes from the chapter on teaching siblings to honor in the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

The Funny Side of Parenting

2009-08-11T08:24:00.000-05:00

If you're a grandparent, we're sure you'll appreciate these quotes:

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars worth of pleasure.
and…
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.

~Gene Perret

"Crisis" Phone Calls

2009-08-06T13:37:00.001-05:00

One of the reasons that single parenting is a challenge is that when kids need help, there's often only one place to get it: you. That means that phone calls may come at inopportune moments for you as a parent.

You might get a call at work like, "Mom, I'm at school but I forgot my lunch," or "Mom, Tony and I are at home and he's being obnoxious. Could you tell him to stop?" You, by the way, happen to be in an office full of people with little privacy.

Crisis phone calls aren't emergencies but they are times when your children are stuck and need your leadership to help them get unstuck.

Do you and your children know how to solve these problems without you yelling in the phone or going back and forth from one child to the other? Spend some time talking to your children about what you expect or how you want those phone calls to go. Here are some suggestions for dealing with crisis phone calls:

1) Children have to learn that when they call, they may have to wait or be called back.

2) You need to take time to listen and ask questions to understand as much of the problem as possible. Only talk to one child at a time. Be empathetic. It's okay that your child called. You don't want to sound like you're too busy to talk. You want your kids to call you when they need help.

3) You may have to give temporary advice but most importantly, take time to teach children how to get out of this problem themselves next time. You are equipping your children.

4) Children must be able to accept the answer and end the phone call graciously whether they like the solution or not. No hang-ups.

Crisis phone calls are a great teaching opportunity. You may look at them as a nuisance but they can actually be quite productive.

Jesus never got a crisis phone call but people who were in crisis often interrupted him. He took time with the woman who had been bleeding for eleven years, with the man whose daughter was sick, with the father of a boy who had convulsions. Jesus was the kind of person you could interrupt. Are you that kind of person? If you're a single parent you have to be able to handle crisis interruptions with grace. It's not easy, but it's worth it in the end.

This idea was taken from the CD series, Single Parenting, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Use Generosity to Teach Honor

2009-08-04T08:38:00.000-05:00

Honor means treating people as special, doing more than what's expected, and having a good attitude. We work hard to develop honor in family life and are continually looking for new ways to teach it.

One helpful way to teach honor is to be generous as a family. Generosity opens our hearts as well as the hearts of the people who receive from us. Giving doesn't just focus on money. In fact, money is one of the easier things to give. A harder gift is that of time, attention, loyalty, or commitment to others.

Giving can be exciting. Planning the surprise, delivering it, watching the person's response, and enjoying the personal satisfaction of giving all add joy to family life. When a family works together to be generous, something happens in the members who participate. They feel a sense of teamwork. They enjoy the satisfaction of giving, not just individually, but the good sense of family pride.

Giving is fun and doing it in secret can make it even more exciting. Be on the lookout for honor opportunities for your family. Sometimes families will plan an anonymous gift. Hannah, age thirteen, reported that she overheard Mrs. Robertson talk about losing all her encyclopedias when her basement flooded. Knowing that the Robertson family didn't have a lot of money, Hannah's family decided to replace them. They went to several libraries asking for a used set. They paid a small price for a set that was newer than the one Mrs. Robertson had lost. They decided to give the set anonymously, which meant more planning and careful strategy.

Seeing a need and meeting it through an anonymous gift became a meaningful experience for Hannah's family. In fact, Hannah herself saw that her own observation contributed to the family's decision.

This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Discipling your Child

Who Gets The Most Out of a Teaching

Keep Connections Open

Why You Should Let Your Child Fail; The Benefits of Natural Consequences

"I'm So Exhausted": 4 Tips to Combat Parental Burnout

Life Rules for Teenagers

Life Rules for Teenagers

Be a Coach to Your Children

Hope for Parenting the "Me" Generation

Teach Kids to Take a Break

Bundles of Joy

Is It Time To Call The Police on Your Child?

Is It Time to Call the Police on Your Child?Assaultive Behavior, Verbal or Physical Abuse, Drugs and Crime

Get Them To Camp

It's Never Too Late: 7 Ways to Start Parenting More Effectively

The Solution Isn't Just Bigger Consequences

Teaching Kids to Accept A No Answer

Praying Together as a Mission-Minded Family

How to Stop Fighting at School and at Home

The Funny Side of Parenting

Video Review: "Pistachio, The Boy That Woodn't" by VeggieTales

What to Do When Kids Are Annoying

I'm a Horrible Parent

When Children React with Anger

Identify Pet Peeves

Don't Overreact to Teenagers

The Parenting Thrill Ride

Gods word is family business

Child Outbursts: Why Kids Blame, Make Excuses and Fight When you Challenge Their Behavior

Passing on Faith: An Inheritance

Is It An Adolescent Phase- Or Out of Control Behavior?

Kids Who Ignore Consequences: 10 Ways to Make Them Stick

Confessions of a Dad

The Conscience Needs Training

Top 10 Things I learnt about Toddlerhood so far

Understanding Attitudes and How to Change Them

But My Anger is Justified

Is Your Child a Daniel or a Samson?

What's In Your Attic

Hi, My Name is Dan, and I'm an Imperfect Parent

But I Have to Yell to be Heard

Helping Your Kids Stay Safe Online Accessibility

Do You Know What Your Kids Are Looking Up?

Teaching through decision making

Your Child has a Conscience

10 Questions part 9 and 10

10 Questions part 7 and 8

10 Questions Part 5 and 6

10 Questions to Evaluate the Strenth of your child's conscience part 3 and 4

10 Questions to Evaluate the Strenth of your Child's Conscience part 1 and 2

Christmas, A Time to teach Generosity

Christmas: A time for Make-Believe?

Thanksgiving Break

Be Careful with Triangles

A Lesson in Honor

Servant for the Day

Recognizing Foolishness

Teach Kids to Make Wise Decisions

A Practical Way to Teach Responsibility

When Children Resist Instructions

When Giving Instructions, Consider the Timing

The Gratefulness Principle

You Be the Leader Game

Five Causes of Anger

Three Ideas for Good Communication

Making Parenting Shifts

Should We Protect Them?

Learn to Recognize Emotional Signals

Correction's First Step

The Value of Training

Teaching Kids to Pray

Parenting Lessons I've Learned Lately

Use Anger to Spark Creativity

Teens Need Relationship

Building Relationship Makes Kids More Responsive

An Indirect Approach to Sibling Conflict

Learning from Natural Consequences

Teaching Children to Affirm in Conversation

The Funny Side of Parenting

"Crisis" Phone Calls

Is It Time to Call the Police on Your Child?
Assaultive Behavior, Verbal or Physical Abuse, Drugs and Crime